Need advice re helping daughter with twins

My daughter is scheduled to deliver her twins on the 14th. Her MIL and I will be helping out for as long as she wants us hanging around. . . Just wondering if any of you have advice about what was most helpful from family, least helpful, bugged you(!), etc., etc. We want to be supportive and helpful without being intrusive, overbearing, etc. I know that with all the changes and lack of sleep that relationships can get strained. Any insights from those of you who have been thru it would be most appreciated!

 

I may be of a different opinion from others on the site, but here is what WE experienced. Having some help early on to adjust to babies in the house, lack of sleep, etc. is great. For me however, have help a few months in has been even greater. The first month or so, all they did was sleep, eat, poop. Yes, it was tough to make it through several sleepless nights, but now the extra hands are great at night when the kids have their fussy time. It gives DH and I a chance to mow the lawn, eat, cook, clean, etc. I SO appreciate my mom being around to cook a meal, do my laundry without asking, or even just to take on a crying baby when all else failed. It is a little tougher for me to accept help from my MIL, she is wonderful, but its just not my MOM

QUOTE(lovebeinggrandma @ Sep 13 2007, 01:06 AM) [snapback]405380[/snapback]
My daughter is scheduled to deliver her twins on the 14th. Her MIL and I will be helping out for as long as she wants us hanging around. . . Just wondering if any of you have advice about what was most helpful from family, least helpful, bugged you(!), etc., etc. We want to be supportive and helpful without being intrusive, overbearing, etc. I know that with all the changes and lack of sleep that relationships can get strained. Any insights from those of you who have been thru it would be most appreciated!

 

What a nice grandma! I know what helped me the most was my MIL coming in and doing things without needing instructions, etc. Like, unless your daughter is exclusively breastfeeding, there will ALWAYS be a huge pile of dirty bottles in the sink, that always need to be washed. The first think my MIL would always do was just go and wash them all for me, without saying a word. Also, precooked frozen meals are a great help because she's not going to have time to cook, and she must eat! I would just try and take care of the housework as much as you and she feel comfortable with you doing..laundry, kitchen, bathrooms, etc, because that really helps too. I know what drives me nuts, is when my mom wants to help, but she needs detailed instructions, like asks where every single dish goes when she "helps" by unloading the dishwasher. If I have to sit there the whole time and answer all her questions, it's not really helping me too much

And please be respectful of her wishes when it comes to caring for the babies, even if things were done differently in your day, and your kids turned out great. For instance, now we are told to put babies on their backs to sleep. My MIL would put my babies on their tummies, because she swore they slept better. This drove me nuts, because I don't need one more thing to worry about! Another example, please don't give the baby a bottle just because you THINK they're hungry, if she's told you please don't feed them. Grandmas tend to want to give babies bottles, and especially if a new mom is trying to breastfeed, this is very frustrating!

Lastly, always offer her the chance to go grab a nap or shower whenever she can.

Enjoy your new grandbabies! She will definitely need and appreciate all the help you can give her!

Jennifer

 

have meals that she likes on HER schedule, or something that is easily warmed up (my mom would make everyone food, but by the time I coould sit down and actually eat it was usually cold ), doing laundry, running errands.
try to limit "advice" unless asked for it
go along with how she wants to do something even if it is not how you would do it.

good luck and enjoy being a grandma!

 

Congratulations!!! It's great that you're willing to help...I know she will appreciate it! The thing that was most helpful for me was that my mom took care of me so I could take care of the babies. She obviously helped change diapers & got lots of snuggle time w/ them, but she said she wanted to take care of the cooking & cleaning while she was there so we didn't have to worry about it. She also left us w/ a freezer stocked w/ meals to heat up after she left.

The most annoying thing I can think of is when my MIL & stepmother assert their "grandparent's right to spoil the grandkids" by rocking them to sleep every time, holding them for naps, etc., even when we specifically ask them not to. Especially w/ 2 babies, I really wanted to instill good habits like putting them down awake from the early weeks. This is probably more of an issue now that we've worked to get a good routine in place, though. In the first weeks the only thing that wasn't helpful is when people would show up & do nothing more than hold the babies for hours on end.

HTH!

 

Of course you know your daughter best, so my thoughts may or may not make sense in her case. But I would say try and focus on being your daughter's mama, and taking care of her, because she's going to be giving everything she has to her twins. Meals, cleaning, laundry - these are all wonderful ways to help her focus on her babies. If she wants you to do baby stuff (hold, change, feed, etc.) of course you should, but try not to push your help on her unless you know she wants the help, know what I mean? I'm sure you will have plenty of time to hold and snuggle babies, but let your daughter be the one to lead. I feel like there were many times in my girls' early days where my parents were wonderfully helpful with the babies themselves, but I would rather have had them downstairs doing my laundry and making me a snack while I muddled through and figured out how to deal with the girls on my own.

Good luck and congratulations! Your life will never be boring again!

 

I was very nervous about my mother and MIL being overbearing during such a sensitive time. My in-laws live about 3 hours away so they came for about a week. She assured me that she was only here to take care of me and my DH. When the time came she definitely was not in there cooking three course meals. I think one day all I had was a hot dog and some frozen pizza. Once those babies get here, your good intentions may go completely out the window and that's understandable. Just be sure to try to pick up on your daughter's cues if she's not very vocal (like me). She WILL NOT want help with the babies. I wanted to change every diaper, clean all spit-up, etc. But I did NOT want to clean, cook, wash, even eat! That's where she'll really need you, especially if she is nursing because she'll have a baby attached to her for 80% of the day. It leaves very little time to feed yourself.

Above all else, just be sweet (for lack of a better term). I was so emotionally sensitive during this time. I was easily offended by EVERYONE. I didn't want any advice about my taking care of the babies because I took it as an attack or judging me. I know it must have been frustrating for everyone else but I really couldn't control it. I hated that everyone had to walk on eggshells but I just kept telling myself that it's temporary. Only a few weeks. In the end, things will be great. Congratulations to you and your daughter! You're going to do a fabulous job!

Hope this helps.

 

I second the limit-the-advice way of thinking. Also, make sure the new mom gets a good amount of time alone with the babies. It's all about bonding in the beginning, so your daughter and her children will need their space. My milk didn't come in hardly at all, but I still wanted to try to bf. Every time I would put one of the babies to my breast and she would cry, a person in my family (who will remain nameless) would say, "Should I get the bottle?". It made me feel terrible. Long story short, I quit bf'g not long after.

Anyway, you're a great mom to ask beforehand. As happy a time it is, it's fraught with emotions. Basically, let your daughter set the pace. The best of luck!!!!

 

My mom stayed with us for 2 months after the girls were born. She was great! She washed bottles, did laundry, made meals and all with out asking me what needed to be done, that was really important. When my DH went back to work she was right there in the trenches with me! We each took a baby and did what needed to be done. But when DH came home from work she took a step back - handed him a baby and went and made dinner or did her needlepoint. She was really great about helping but NOT being intrusive.

One of the best things that she did was change our sheets and make the bed before I got home from the hospital with the girls. It was something small and stupid but it was so nice to get into a freshly made bed!!

MY MIL on the other hand was constantly saying the babies look jaundice and stupid things like that - it was really annoying. She is a nurse so she kept asking about temps and medical stuff. I think she drove everyone nuts! So I would suggest letting them listen to their doctors and keeping your "advice" and opinions to yourself unless they ask

Congrats on becoming a twin grandma!

ETA: I forgot that my mom also helped with feeding. I BF and followed with a bottle. Since we were feeding every 3 hours round the clock for the first week it was great that she and my DH could switch off night shifts. After a while my mom and DH would take a night feeding and I would sleep.

 

My mom stayed for 4 weeks (one week before when I could hardly move and 3 weeks after birth). My parents live in Europe, so it was a little harder to schedule so she flew in at 37 weeks, knowing 38w2d was going to be the latest (and it was).

She cooked, did laundry, ironed, helped feeding, went to the pediatrician with me and the babies, got my oldest out of bed in the morning so that I could sleep a little longer, had me take showers, ran errands ...

I basically took care of the babies during the night with dh, but we didn't have to worry about my oldest (who's a great sleeper anyway) and all the other stuff. I have cleaning ladies, so that was great, and when my parents left, we hired a night nanny ... that was very nice.

 

My MIL told all 5 of her daughters that if they ever had twins, she would move in with them for 3 months. She passed away before we knew about the twins, but I still chuckle about how strongly she felt about that.


I think you have gotten some great advice already. The best advice I can give you is to listen, and know that what is felt strongly one minute can be the opposite the next minute. Hormones, lack of sleep, well, your post already shows you know things can get a little strained. The other thing my parents did was to kick us (DH and I) out of the house once a month for a date. We spend so much time and energy on our family, that it is nice to have the chance to just work on us. But that is something for a maybe a little more down the road.

Congrats in advance, Grandma!

 

A very wise person once said (i don't remember who it was) "If you want to help me, cook for me or clean for me, playing with my babies for me is not the help i need". I agree totally. My mom spent the first week with us and she cooked and cleaned and waited on me. It was great. She only did stuff for the girls if I asked her to which, for me, was exactly what i needed. I'm of the mind that the more you come at me, the more i will push you away, if you just back off a little, i'll come to you.

I personally think the best approach is to be somewhat hands off with the babies (obviously to a degree, they are your grandbabies) and do the basic household stuff that she will not be able to get to. Cook, clean, laundry, etc. I remember each time I said, "i'm hungry, what do you want for lunch?" My mom wouldn't even let me get up, she'd go and make it, bring it to me, then take my plate when I was done. It forced me to get the rest I needed, while having the energy to take care of my girls for the most part by myself, which I really needed to gain self confidence as a mommy. From there, go with her and do whatever she needs/asks you to do as far as the babies go... Good luck!

This of course is all my humble opinion. And yes, I can tend to be a little psycho... lol..

 

Wow will you come be my mom? Our problem is my mom not my mil. MIL goes out of her way to make sure she isn't a pain and my mom is something else. Granted she just wants to help but my hubby had enough the day we came home from the hospital and he blew up. Me-I can ignore her or at least I know how to take her but she pushes his buttons. She comes across as thinking he is imcompetent and he is anything but incompetent. She is a proud grandma to say the least but you would think they are her babies. I feel put on the spot because she has helped us out alot and took care of my older daughter when I was in the hospital etc. and I don't want to appear ungrateful but it can put a strain on things. She insisted on dragging my daughter and stepfather to the hospital at 6:30 in the am (knowing I was being induced at 5:30) because she didn't want to miss anything. I was in labor all day eventually having a csection and she never got to see the babies til the next day so they wasted their whole day and in hindsight I am upset because I wanted to be just me and hubby spending that time together and we will never get that day back. It really upsets me and there is nothing I can do about it but I wish she would have stayed home til we called her I mean who does that? All in all it's very thoughtful of you to consider everyone's feelings before stepping in and taking over.

 

I would offer to come back and help a few months after they are born but it gets really rough about 2 months into it. My mom would bring some food that we could heat up the next day. she would bring one meal for that night and then one for the next. it was really nice. you know -usually caseroles but the homemade food was nice, since we lived off of pizza and hamburge helper the first few months.

 

First of all, it is wonderful that you are willing and able to help and that you are sensitive enough to find out what might be helpful in advance. My mom came in for my boys birth and stayed for 2 1/2 weeks. It was so wonderful to have her here as she helped with everything from day to day housework like dishes, laundry, tidying up to helping with the babies. Since I am breastfeeding I felt like I was getting plenty of bonding and one-on-one time with the babies and was TOTALLY fine with my mom helping with everything from diaper changes to bringing me the babies when it was time to feed and making sure I had water and a snack. She was also able to get up at night with the babies and let my DH sleep or just walk with one of them if they were fussy but did not need to eat. Her quote was that "we would have plenty of diapers to change and plenty of nights up with them, so let her change diapers or help comfort them at night". Your daughter may prefer you be less hands on and let her and hubby bond by doing those things, but I was completely comfortable with it and our routine was so helpful. Our routine was that if one of the babies would wake we would wake the other (I tandem feed), she would change both of the babies while I would get set up with my nursing pillow, go to the potty, etc., then she would bring me the babies and help get them situated, get me water and a snack and lay back down for a few minutes until they were done feeding and then help me get them back in bed.

My MIL came in for a week shortly after my mom left and helped in some of the same ways. Our relationship is not as close as my mom and I, but my MIL was absolutely terrific and for once respected our wishes and boundries without question. By the time she got there, the meals from friends that were pouring in at the beginning had turned to a trickle and she helped cook as well. Both Mom and MIL took the babies after a evening feeding a couple of nights so that DH and I could get out for a couple of hours and have dinner. That was absolutely great! We didn't go far in case we needed to be back quick, but it was wonderful to get out of the house and feel human again.

I heartily second what an earlier poster said that it would be even more helpful to have mom in town when the babies are several weeks old and start in with their fussy periods. Mine are almost seven weeks and it would have been great to have my mom here a week or so ago as an extra set of hands and as help in the evenings/nights as it seems like that was the height of sleep deprivation.

One piece of advice is to remember to have thick skin during this initial period. As much as I love my mom and MIL, the lack of sleep, stress, hormones and close quarters can wear on everyone. I snapped at both my mom and MIL a few times and apologized later, but both of them did not take offense as they knew it is a high stress time.

Just follow your daughters cues and you should be fine. She is lucky to have you and enjoy this time with your grandbabies!

 

I can tell you are such a great grandma! Your DD is very lucky to have such helpful yet understanding hands. Based on my experience I think the best way to be helpful without being intrusive is to always ASK first what needs to be done and what you can help with. Let your DD know when you are available to help, then ASK what the arrangements should be ... where you should stay and how long, what she would like you to do, etc. When you are there, say what can I do to help you? Sometimes she will want you to deal with the babies and sometimes she may want to you to do housework. Be willing to be flexible since those first months after having twins is very hard. Space out the time with MIL. Don't be there at the same time ... too many guests can be stressful plus it's better to stretch out the time she has help as long as possible. First you come, then MIL. Lastly, do things HER way. Ask her how she would like things to be done and do them her way, and be careful with the babies.

I think too many times when people come help out with new babies there is conflict because people come to help with their own agendas. They do things their way and this is stressful for the new mother who needs the help but wants it done her way. People also get their feelings involved, ie "I want to come right after the babies are born but she doesn't want me to come until a few weeks later" and letting that cause a whole debacle. Don't make it personal ... just be helpful and flexible and she will consider you a godsend!

 

You're such a good mum to ask this question! Your daughter will really need you. One thing that used to make me feel so horrible was listening to my mum and mother in law playing with the babies while I was sterilizing bottles, doing the dishes, washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom. It would be great if you could take care of all of these details so she can have some real Q.T. with her babies - will help the bonding process. Also, a cleaning service once every couple of weeks will let your daughter feel assured her bathroom, floors, etc. are clean without her having to take her focus off the babies (so if you have an extra $50 or $75 every couple of weeks for the first month or two, she'll be so relieved). Also, cook, cook, cook! She'll need lots of nourishment to keep her energy (and breast milk, if she's nursing) up!

 

Your daughter is really lucky to have you! My mom lives close by and has been helping me out a lot from the beginning, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

PPs have given very good advice. The practical stuff is SO important. Cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, taking care of pets (if there are any)... One of the greatest moments in the first weeks home with the babies was when my mom came over and announced, "I'm going to clean your kitchen and vacuum the floors." Life is a lot easier now that the babies are a bit older, but she still does a lot of shopping for us, comes over a few times a week to help, watches them while I get out for errands and/or exercise.

Agree with pps that doing chores is usually more helpful than playing with the babies - but everyone is different that way. There are days when I get really burned out on spending time with the babies, and it is like a vacation to have my mom or someone else play with them while I get a few things done around the house. Getting breaks from them makes me enjoy them more when I come back.

And yes, limit the advice. Your assumptions about baby care may be very different from your daughter's. For example, though my mom and I agree on most things, and generally share the attitude that being responsive is best and you can't spoil babies by tending to their needs, etc., she still raises an eyebrow at my nursing them so often (or what seems to her like very often). My babies need to nurse about every 2.5 hrs (sometimes less, sometimes more), and my mom has this fixed idea that they should be on a 3 hr schedule. She no longer comments openly on it, and she accepts my choices, but it still drives me nuts sometimes.

Anyway, as I'm sure you know, it's all about trial and error! Let your daughter make mistakes and learn from them, and give advice/suggestions only if she asks.

Again, WTG for being so supportive. I'm sure you'll be an incredible help to your daughter. And congrats on those grandbabies!

 

I have not read all of the other replies, but here is my 2 cents worth.
Give her some sleep if it is at all possible, it is something I needed most in the beginning.
Do the things she wants you to do, not the things you think need doing.
Please do not tell her how to raise her babies!!
I know it sounds aweful, but I was so sleep deprived, that deep down some of the advise was welcome, but I just did not want to hear it. :blush:
You sound like a wonderful person, to find out exactly how to help your daughter most, and i am sure that will make all the difference in the world.

 

What a great grandma.

I wanted the babies to myself. I needed help with EVERYTHING else. Laundry, cleaning, cooking (meals that are easily reheated).

The hardest thing for us was that sometime we just wanted some alone time as a family and there was ALWAYS someone there trying to "help". Please make sure you give your daughter space if she needs it.

Your daughter and grandbabies are lucky to have you!

 

Ask her after the babies come how much advice she wants. My MIL loved to say "arent' you going to..." and "we used to..." it was very very annoying. Also, prev poster said this too, but these babies need naps. My Mom and my MIL both want the babies up all the time. Even now after 3 months they don't understand that the babies do not exist for their enjoyment- and that the babies need naps for their own good. It's very annoying. Good luck! I'm sure you'll do great!

 

Wow! Thank you all so much. I appreciate all the wonderful suggestions and your taking the time to reply. It's obvious why you all were blessed with twins! Hopefully I can follow through with your suggestions. . .especially about not giving advice even when I KNOW she could REALLY use it!! We're all very excited about the babies coming. Her c/s is scheduled for tomorrow and hopefully all will go well. She has done amazingly well with this pregnancy (last day of work was yesterday) and we're going to miss her big, beautiful belly but can't wait to meet these little miracles. Their sexes will be a surprise. Thanks again so much!

 

Good luck! Make sure you come back and tell us all about those sweet babies!

 

Just wanted to announce that our beautiful babies arrived on Friday and we have a boy and a girl. We are all beyond thrilled!! My daughter is doing wonderfully. She was very anxious about the c-section but it was uneventful and she actually said it was kind of fun. (Maybe I should post that on the Expecting forum!). The babies weighed 7 lb 11 oz and 7 lbs 1 oz. They are all coming home tomorrow and I am sure I will be going back and reading and rereading all your very helpful suggestions for me. Thanks again! I'm now off to go give her house a final cleaning before they all get home. . .

 

I think it is FANTASTIC that you are asking! As some of the PP's just doing housework is a huge help!! Without asking what needs to be done b/c for me I felt more uncomfortable telling her what to do (it was my MIL not my mom that's why) that if she just did it. And also just asking if she needs you to help with the babies rather than jumping in b.c my DH and I wanted to do as much of the baby stuff as we could on our own so we could start figuring things out on our own. If they were crying and she asked if I needed her I would tell her. If she just jumped in I felt like I was failing. Although it was nice that she wanted to help I felt more comfortable just trying to do it all on my own..so I only had help for a day or two. I learned quickly how to juggle everything.

 

for me .. i did the first month by myself.. with the inlaws occasional visit..

mom didnt want anything to do with the situation.. 3 babies in 1 year .. but she has changed alot ..

that first month was hard..

mostly needed help with food and laundry.. and support of me nursing them..

support being feeling comfortable in my own home .. whering comfortalble clothes and not caring what others thought of me..


i didnt have this because it was my mil who visited..

and i had x's friends walk in on me feeding my kids.. very uncomfortable..


with my first ds it helped having someone to bathe me, care for me , and someone i didnt mind not being modist around..

i wanted mymom.. and she was there..

just be open helpful.. be ready to be bored because your daughter will sleep

many hugs to you grandma

m

 

Welcome, fellow Grandma!! Congratulations on your grandson and granddaughter! Isn't is just awesome to see your BABY having BABIES?!? It's the BEST!

I love TS and know you'll find tons of good info for both you and your daughter. My own DD didn't have much time for computer stuff when her boys were little and now she has cancelled her internet subscription to save money, so she depends on me to come here and ask questions for her, lol! The members here are so helpful and encouraging. I think almost everytime I talk to my DD I tell her something new I learned on TS!

I think all the twin mommies that have replied have given you great advice on how to help your DD. I spent a week with my daughter after she came home with the babies and tried to concentrate on the housekeeping, cooking, and shopping needs only. I'll warn you ... it was hard not to snatch up those babies and love on them at every opportunity, lol! ... but DD appreciated it so much that I stepped back and let her and her fiance be in charge of the baby care. I let her know that I would get up at night only if she asked me to instead of running to help everytime I heard the babies cry. She usually got me up once a night to help out but did a great job of handling the other feedings. I made sure when I left to come home (I live 350 miles away) that the house was spic and span, all the laundry was done and their freezer/pantry full, etc. That helped her tremendously as well.

I went back for another week when the babies were six weeks old. During that visit, DD slept every available minute, day and night. She was so exhausted and I believe she appreciated that visit more than the first one!

Now when DH and I go for a visit, we stay at a hotel and usually it's just a quick weekend trip, but we make sure give DD and her DF an evening out -- which is really more of a treat for us than it is for them, because we get those babies to ourselves for a few hours!

Again, congratulations and best of luck to all of you! Keep us informed on your precious grandtwins!

 

Welcome, fellow Grandma!! Congratulations on your grandson and granddaughter! Isn't is just awesome to see your BABY having BABIES?!? It's the BEST!

I love TS and know you'll find tons of good info for both you and your daughter. My own DD didn't have much time for computer stuff when her boys were little and now she has cancelled her internet subscription to save money, so she depends on me to come here and ask questions for her, lol! The members here are so helpful and encouraging. I think almost everytime I talk to my DD I tell her something new I learned on TS!

I think all the twin mommies that have replied have given you great advice on how to help your DD. I spent a week with my daughter after she came home with the babies and tried to concentrate on the housekeeping, cooking, and shopping needs only. I'll warn you ... it was hard not to snatch up those babies and love on them at every opportunity, lol! ... but DD appreciated it so much that I stepped back and let her and her fiance be in charge of the baby care. I let her know that I would get up at night only if she asked me to instead of running to help everytime I heard the babies cry. She usually got me up once a night to help out but did a great job of handling the other feedings. I made sure when I left to come home (I live 350 miles away) that the house was spic and span, all the laundry was done and their freezer/pantry full, etc. That helped her tremendously as well.

I went back for another week when the babies were six weeks old. During that visit, DD slept every available minute, day and night. She was so exhausted and I believe she appreciated that visit more than the first one!

Now when DH and I go for a visit, we stay at a hotel and usually it's just a quick weekend trip, but we make sure give DD and her DF an evening out -- which is really more of a treat for us than it is for them, because we get those babies to ourselves for a few hours!

Again, congratulations and best of luck to all of you! Keep us informed on your precious grandtwins!


this is so precious.. you have a grand ma friend

mom says my kids are the best gift ever..

i tend to agree with her