Need advice on my 9 year old nephew

Ok, sorry this gets kind of long.

I have a question for all of you, or more situation/delema that hopefully someone can help me with.

My Nephew is 9 years old. Will be 10 in Aug. Well his father has custody of him. His birth mother is no where in the picture. The only mother he knows is my Brothers Fiancee, which has been around since my Nephew was like 4. He calls her Mom and everything. For all intended purposes she is his Mother, just not by birth.

Bit of History on his birth Mother. Has other children, that are older then my Nephew, that she as well does not have custody of. She did a lot of drugs. I know she did two 8-balls the night before my Nephew was born. I do not know how much use during her pregnancy she did though.

My Nephew goes to counseling once a week. Has been for a few years now. But it is not helping, it is getting no where with him. I keep telling my brother and soon to be SIL to take him to a real Dr. to see if he has something really wrong with him. Like I said, he is 9 years old. But he has the mentality of a 6 year old. I kid you not. I know all children develop on different levels and all but this is ridicules. I know a great deal of it has to do with my mother. They live with my parents to help them out. But my mom will not allow him to do ANYTHING. He is not allowed to cut his own food, because that would require him holding a knife. (She had a dream once that my Nephew went around and stabbed everyone in the house). He is not allowed to get his own cereal, not allowed in the kitchen period. She does make him take trash out, and pick up after the dogs and sweep the kitchen floor every night for a chore. He can't look at my mother without getting yelled at pretty much, and my father, well he won't do anything with my Nephew anymore. Now my brother (the father) is currently out of state working. They will all be moving to that state once my nephew finishes the school year. I've tried talking to my brother as well though. Telling him that he needs to spend the time with his son and what not. When he comes into town, he barely acknowledges his son. They come over once a week for dinner at my house, even if my brother is still out of town or not. But when ever my brother is here, I ask him, have you spent any time with him? He says no, he hasn't even said Hi to me. I told him, that he is the adult, you need to act like one, not the little boy. My brother has little to no patience with him as it is and I know this. I know that this is probably why my Nephew is like this.

In school my nephew has gotten much better. He is AWESOME at reading. Loves to read. I let him read any book in my office as long as it is appropriate you know. Well he hits and punches little girls. He is a bully, which I am not sure how, because my nephew is a small kid, very skinny. But my nephew in general, he won't listen to anything. and god forbid he show any remorse. He has no empathy what so ever. The councilor has said that he doesn't have add or any adhd symptoms or anything else like that, but she clearly tells them that she is not a Dr. she is only a councilor. But my brother will not take him to see a Dr. for his behavior what so ever. I always take my Nephew for Spring break and winter break and what not, basically so he can have some fun, and not have to be around my mother. But I am at the point where I want to tell him Mom (future SIL) that he can not stay for his breaks anymore. I do not believe in spanking with a belt because I grew up with that just about everyday. (My mother wasn't pleasant to be around, and still isn't), But I actually spanked him with a belt yesterday because I am at my wits end with him. I have no punishments left that will work. When you do punish him, he doesn't feel a thing. Spank him with my hand, not even a tear, spanked him with the belt (mind you not hard, but more to see if a point can be proven with him) and I got nothing from that either. It's like he doesn't feel. He is bluntly mean to animals, which is a huge no no in my house, as I run a rescue as well. He is rude, and arrogant, mean, and ignorant to other people. Kids at school don't even want to play with him. I do not know what else to do for him. I've tried like you wouldn't believe, to sit and talk to him, to see why he does the things he does, and I get nothing from him. He is not an abused child, never has been, he is not verbally abused, and again, never has been. But everyone else is tried of trying to change for him to adjust, when he won't give in even a little bit. He won't apologize for anything at all. I can't trust him, the second day he was here, he lied and lied and lied and lied, and I literally gave him the whole day to tell me the truth. He wouldn't of gotten in trouble at all, it wasn't a big deal. The big deal was that he was lieing about everything and anyone. I am on bed rest as it is for high risk pregnancy, and I don't need all this stress. His mom is coming to pick him up tonight because his school starts again on Monday, but I literally have nothing left to try to offer him. I've tried being the fun aunt, the funny aunt, the sincere aunt, the harsh aunt, the everything, and nothing is working with this child. I love him to death, I honestly do, and would do anything for him, but there is no reason for him to be putting me in this much stress as it is.

Any advise on what I can do with him? Even a small idea might help. Everyone is just tired and wants to throw their hands up in the air. My brother is getting married in may to his fiancee, and his poor fiancee doesn't have a mean bone in her at all. It took a lot for her to even give my nephew a regular spanking, or make him eat soap for lieing, but she has, and she is this close [---] to throwing her hands up with him as well.

 

I think that ultimately you are not the mother or the father. You can't make them take him to a doctor. Probably a call to the school counselor and/or the teacher to let them know what is going on is all you can do. If you think your mom is verbally abusive or he is neglected, then call cps. You can't be superwoman in this case.

What you can do is set limits about visiting. If he violates those limits, send him home. What you can do is make a point to write him letters telling him about how proud you are about his reading. If you hear about something else he does well, write a letter and tell him about. That way he has something tangible to hold onto when the other adults in his life are messing up. After he moves, set a time aside just for him to call and talk. Write him letters, and keep them positive. Try to create a door that he can walk through if he wants. When he's older, he'll probably remember you as the bright spot.

I guess what I hear when I read your post is a very negative atmosphere. Belts, spanking, screaming, and being ignored. Start giving his something positive. Children will do whatever it takes to get attention, negative or positive. If all they know is negative, then that's what they'll seek. Give him positive attention to seek.

Marissa

 

I agree with Marissa. There is only so much that you can do. But I will say my heart dropped when I read some of this about him. The bolded part stood out a lot to me. With the way his dad and "mom" treat him. That is emotional and verbal abuse. They ignore him, scream at him all the time....that is abuse. Its not as obvious. The poor boy needs someone to reach out and help him. Sounds like a lot of neglect from his parents and just flat out ignoring the problem. He def sounds like he has some emotional issues he is dealing with. I know you are trying to help and sounds like you are his only chance.

 

I would agree with Marissa about the neglect, being yelled at, his grandmother assuming he is going to stab everybody, he was abandoned by his mom and essentially abandoned by his dad, with him out of town all the time and not spending time with him when he is home. Children will live up to the expectations of them. Right now no one seems to expect or reinforce anything possitive from him.

He's hitting little girls, he doesn't know how to work through his frustrations. It may be psycho-babble but again, his mom abandoned him( I assume he knows that the fiance is not his mom since he stays with you when there is break in school and his dad is not home), the Fiance ships him off to your house regularly and the grandmother not only yells at him and does not trust him (does not allow him knives or even into the kitchen) HIs world sounds very controlled and not very happy. I hope this child gets some help and support.

 

With your story and my somewhat limited background in psychiatry I would say Your nephew sounds like he has conduct disorder. You can look it up online but then again things online are scary. the basic premise is the child shows aggression (towards people or animals), lying, destruction of property (fires, vandalism) and breaking rules (running away, skipping class). A family history of drug abuse and most likely undiagnosed mental illness in the mother is a strong indicator as well. I don't want to scare you as the majority of kids with conduct disorder grow out of it by adulthood.
The treatment of conduct disorder is not psychiatric medications. The mainstay of treatment is prevention. Programs like big brother show a positive role model for the child. Positive reinforcement is also huge. Very important to reward positive behavior as opposed to punishing negative. Parenting is a major part of the treatment and parents need to be INVOLVED and consistent in their rules and punishments. Parenting classes are helpful. I agree that he should definitely be seeing a psychiatrist. On the other hand, punishment and incarceration has been shown to NOT be helpful.
Good luck with your nephew. it seems that he has a chaotic environment at home and that can only worsen any underlying condition.

 

Blah, I typed this huge response out but it didn't go through.

Thank you everyone for your response. I posted this on another forumn as well that I frequent and will show the fiancee both of them tomorrow.
I guess I should of been more clear, the 'mom' does take full responsibility for my nephew. He was just here for break so he wouldn't be in his room all day with my mother watching him while 'mom' went to work.
Things are definantly going to change, I talked to her tonight about a lot of it, and I will be talking to my brother weither he likes it or not. My brother needs to change as well. I know I am not his mother, but I'm the only person he used to ever really talk to, and only sometimes still does, otherwise he doesn't talk to anyone about what is bothering him so.

Thank you all again for the advice.

 

Whew....there is a lot going on in this situation. I'm a clinical social worker and I've spent many years working with kids and families.

He needs an IEP through the school district. He can receive services because he is "severely emotionally disturbed." Sometimes a label can be negative, but it CAN help get appropriate services. The family can request an evaluation for him through the school district. They should put their request in writing. An IEP meeting can help determine an appropriate treatment setting and services for him.

http://specialchildren.about.com/od/specialeducation/ht/getanIEP.htm

The parents/family caregivers really need to be on board with treatment, and consistent with their responses to his behavior. Do the parents also meet with the counselor and work on family issues and parenting techniques? Dropping off this boy for one hour of treatment per week isn't really going to make a big impact.

I would say he definitely has a history of abandonment and abuse. Plus exposure to drugs in utero, which can contribute to lifelong difficulties.

Can you find a way to stay involved with him, even if it's a limited role? Another abandonment won't help his situation. Even if you are involved with letters, phone calls and taking him for lunch occasionally (or something like that). Probably the most important thing is to be true to your word. If you commit to lunch, then follow through. I don't think you need to take him for weeks on end if it is disruptive and unmanageable.

HTH a little....GL, Beth

 

Did they test him for fetal alchol syndrome at birth? A family friend of our is raising her granddaughter who has it and has several of the same symtoms.