Need advice/help with overbearing inlaws! 3 issues...

ok, so here's #1.... i love LOVE my inlaws, esp. my MIL (i know, not so typical, but she's a wonderfully caring person). my father in law has a good heart but is annoying as hell. he likes to make inappropriate jokes at my expense -- he truly thinks he's funny but it's just insulting and annoying. he's already told some of my friends (with a smile on his face so he can claim that he's 'joking') that i'm not ready to be a mother b/c i'm a singer in a band and so my priorities are screwed up. apparently, i'm supposed to stop having a life and devote my entire being to motherhood. i've already decided to take off 3 months or more from work, my band, the gym, everything to figure out the new parent thing. but i do intend to some day start bringing back pieces of my life. he's made it very clear that if i'm not 100% a mother and nothing else, then i'm a failure and my kids will be messed up and he will have to 'step in to fix whatever is lacking'. i've tried to not make snippy comments in response to his 'opinions' about how we should be raising our twins (due any day now), but it's getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut and smile through it. any ideas?

here's problem #2: both my MIL and FIL spoil their other nephews/neice to death. they buy presents for them EVERY 2 WEEKS, no lie. when we go visit my husband's siblings, i can't stand to be in the house for very long b/c of the amount of junk/toys/stuff/etc. the children don't appreciate any of it at this point, expect a gift every time someone comes to see them, and are terribly ungrateful, rotten little children. sorry, i hate to say that, but it's the truth. i watch them manipulate their parents and grandparents and it's just revolting. my husband and i are so appalled at their behavior that we've decided we don't want our children bombarded with lots of toys. we just get laughed at (more me than him b/c he's pretty quiet in front of his parents) and told 'oh just you wait' or 'oh, you'll see'...it's so condescending, i want to scream. no, we haven't been parents before, but we're not idiots. we would like a chance to raise our children the way WE see fit, not anyone else. they just expect for us to fall in line like their other kids and accept as many toys as they want to dish out. we live on a small lake, surrounded by trees, nature trails, etc. and want to raise our kids to appreciate their surroundings, rather than the latest gadget. we don't even have internet access at home, and more importantly, we don't have room for a bunch of junk at our house. they honestly laugh out loud at us when we say that we'd rather them keep the toys at their house or not to even buy them. what do we do when they start showing up on our doorstep with stuff we don't want or worse, give our kids stuff and then make us be the bad guys for having to tell them they have to leave it at grandma's house? of course we will give our children presents on birthdays, christmas, etc. but not every week!

last thing: i'm going into labor any day now and my sister-in-law has already declared that she must come and stay with us to 'show me how to handle twins'....she had twins a year ago and is convinced that i need her help. i may need help, but i'd much rather ask for it than have it thrust upon me by my loud, overbearing SIL. we tried to gently tell our families that we'll be overwhelmed at first and would like some 'private' time to bond with the babies before lots of people come over, but again, our wishes fall on deaf ears. it's to the point now that the slightest comment about it makes my MIL upset. so now apprently it's all about my SIL and making her happy and appreciated when she's here. NO ONE IS LISTENING TO WHAT WE WANT!

right now, in my pregnancy i'm irritable, impatient, uncomfortable, and agitated. and now, i have to deal with all of this! :angry:

any suggestions?

 

Eeeeks!!

Well, I guess if you speak up and tell FIL that you find his comments offensive and hurtful and please don't do it anymore or you and their new grandchildren will not beable to be around them will probably clear up problem #1 & #2! :laughing:

The whole thing sounds like a lack of communication and sticking up for yourself. I agree I wouldn't want my SIL planting herself in my home when I just had a baby too. I w ould just talk to all of them very frankly about your "thanks but no thanks." I would also talk to dh to ensure he was on the same page as you and present a untied front. Communication really is the key.

 

This has really got to suck. I have a MIL that cries if we say we don't need her help or if we don't come over because we have to work it's because we hate her. But it sounds like yours are worse. The only thing I can advise is keep telling them. Eventualy they will get sick of hearing it and go away or do what you ask. As for the presents I don't have that issue at all. And make sure your husband stands behind you, otherwise they are just going to think you are trying to turn him against you and that you are in this by yourself so they can still run you over. My inlaws buy my son stuff (their first grand too) but only one thing and it cost a dollar from the dollar store. My FIL is always like she's been out shopping for him forever, and she got like 2 things and half the time it's for ages 3 and up and he isn't even two yet. I know some stuff can still be played with but she got him this truck for like 50 cents and the wheels fall off. But a suggestion for if they insist on giving them presents is to donate them to like toys for tots. Or you could (when they get a lil older) talk with a church and find a family in need and have your kids rewrap the gifts and take them to other children who don't have anything. You could even save the toys up through out the year and do this at Christmas every year. It would teach your kids good morals, not have a bunch of "junk" laying around, and help out family's that are in need. Sure you should let them keep a few though, so they don't think they have to give everything away. Well I hope this helps and good luck.

 

Sorry if this gets long, but you struck a cord and I have much to say...

First in regards to you having a life- Please do not make the same mistake I made. After my first child I devoted everything I was to her. I lost my self and fast. After my divorce some one asked me who I was, I said Im a mom. They asked what kind of music I liked, I had no idea. They asked what was my fav tv show, I didn't even know if I liked tv. They asked me what my hobies were, I answered cleaning house. They asked what I did when I went out with friends, I was miss social but only had one friend now and only talk to her about once a month. I had NO idea who I was. It was a lot of hard work to get to know myself again. I had to put into myself the hard work one would put into a relationship. I got out my old CDs and listened to them. I learned what I use to like, and what I did not like any more. I turned on the radio and flipped around to different chanells and found things I liked that I did not know I liked. I forced myself to watch tv programs and did find one I had and interst in. I looked at old photos of myself. I remembered that I loved gardening and got a few house plants to take care of. Watering them and taking care of them now is like taking care of myself. I found LOTS of pictures and remembered I like taking pictures. I liked hanging out with people. I began networking again. I now have a small group of poeple that I love being around.

The worst part, I realized I put all my joy in my daughter and that was not far to her. Because her whole life became about me taking care of her I was denying her her right to her own joy. I was not letting her be her own person. We have a great relationship and I love her, but at least now she can go play by herself and worry about mommy overseen everything she does and telling her how to do it.

So, yes, expect the first few months to be a transition, but never let go of all of you. Enjoy life, all of life. Everytime your FIL says something stupid, put your chin up in the air and answer just say "Im going to be a great mom" and leave it at that. He wont know what to say and will eventually believe you because you believe yourself.

Second, gift giving- Ive had this problem a bit too. When I feel the kids have been givin to much I do ask that it stay at the grandparents house. I also hide them and give them at different times as I see fit. It sounds like they might be a bit extreme, you might anounce that your children are very blessed to have what they have and any gift giving that goes above and beyond will be donated to charity for those that have nothing. On one hand they might get the point and stop, on the other your kids will learn a great lesson, either way, you stay in charge. I have upset a few people, but for the most part people got on bored with it.

Third, over baring family and friends- If I could solve this one I would. Older parents seem to always know better then you. I try and remember that they love me and my children are lucky to be loved as much as they are. What's hard is sometimes I feel like they believe I am totally unable to take care of my kids. It's very frustrating. It also makes it hard to enjoy the time you have with your family and firends because you might be worried about the next hurtful thing they might say. At this point you really just have to try and let some stuff bounce. They love you and are only trying to help they just don't realize they are aslo being rude.

A couple of things that worked for me was just smiling and saying nothing in responce. This keeps one commint from turning into a long frustrating conversation, the other persons says what they need to say, and you can move on. I have also jokingly made comments like, O let me worry about them you just enjoy that giggle. Or you have so much else to worry about right now, let this be a place of no stress for you. Put it back on the other person and this releases you from any burden.

Sorry this got so long. These are also some of my big button items.

Good luck, and remember to enjoy your babies.

 

Oh boy oh boy do I feel for you. :hug: Man, and as far along and miserably pregnant as you are--all of this overwhelming pressure and annoyance is the last thing you need!

I am not a big Dr. Phil fan but my DH & I closely follow one wise piece of advice he offered: THE MAN SHOULD DEAL WITH HIS FAMILY AND THE WOMAN HERS. I encountered so many issues like yours and I insisted my DH handle his parents every time. This has worked pretty well for the past 6 years and esp. now that we have our twins. At times I really have to nudge him but he eventually does it. (whether it's too many gifts, blatant insults, etc.) And I handle my mom when I need to.

Everyone in your circle should be focusing on your welfare, your comfort, and how to best help YOU! I could just scream. Why do people, esp grown adults who should know better, act like such morons at times like this. You poor girl. Please keep us updated and good luck!!! :hug:

 

I have stepped on a few toes since my babies have been born, let me tell you!! Being pregnant is the best time to tell someone to get lost or mind their own business because you can blame it on hormones!! With issue no 1 I would laugh in FIL's face when he said derogatory or negative things to me or about me. I would be sarcastic and say that 'of course, you know everything' and laugh so no-one takes the things he says seriously, because really, who is he to make assumptions about you........

As for the spoiling, I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet, because your children wont know what they're being given for a while yet. I understand you probably want to start as you mean to go on......but you have so much ahead of you at this stage that I would let it go for now and cross that bridge when you come to it.

My Mum came and stayed with us when the twins were born and it was horrendous. I actually had to ask her to leave in the end. It was more trouble than what it was worth. The thing with SIL...... yes you may need help, and yes she might know what she's doing.... but these are your children and you may want to do things differently.
I would get DH to have a word to them, and if not I would do it myself.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.
GL

 

QUOTE(texas beth @ Dec 10 2008, 02:47 PM) [snapback]1105887[/snapback]
ok, so here's #1....
i've tried to not make snippy comments in response to his 'opinions' about how we should be raising our twins (due any day now), but it's getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut and smile through it. any ideas?

here's problem #2:
what do we do when they start showing up on our doorstep with stuff we don't want or worse, give our kids stuff and then make us be the bad guys for having to tell them they have to leave it at grandma's house? of course we will give our children presents on birthdays, christmas, etc. but not every week!

last thing: i'm going into labor any day now and my sister-in-law has already declared that she must come and stay with us to 'show me how to handle twins'....she had twins a year ago and is convinced that i need her help. i may need help, but i'd much rather ask for it than have it thrust upon me by my loud, overbearing SIL. we tried to gently tell our families that we'll be overwhelmed at first and would like some 'private' time to bond with the babies before lots of people come over, but again, our wishes fall on deaf ears. it's to the point now that the slightest comment about it makes my MIL upset. so now apprently it's all about my SIL and making her happy and appreciated when she's here. NO ONE IS LISTENING TO WHAT WE WANT!

right now, in my pregnancy i'm irritable, impatient, uncomfortable, and agitated. and now, i have to deal with all of this! :angry:

any suggestions?


Honey, I feel like I could have written your post... Today is DH and my 9 year anniversary, so I've dealt with the IL's for over 9 years now. I have a tendency to let people get away with more than they should at my own expense and that has been the #1 lesson for me. You should start practicing taking up for yourself more. I promise it will get easier as you go and where it comes to your kids. Also, if you do it politely, you are NEVER in the wrong.
#1- You are gonna be one helluva awesome rockstar mom! Children who are exposed to music and nature are some of the most well-adjusted ever! You can never lose yourself in your kids. They are always your priority, but you have to continue to be you. FIL's comments can either roll off your back, or you could just flat out say "That hurts my feelings". I have gotten to where if my IL's have a comment to make, I will open up dialogue about it, argue a little and then if we can't come to a consensus, agree to disagree. If he said something in front of my friends again, I would say "You know old men, he's from the old school" turn the tables and embarrass him. Remember to smile so he knows you're joking.

#2- We still have this same problem with ALL of our parents. There are 4 sets of grandparents wanting to lavish and spoil, until we are drowning in toys, game systems and other things our children have NO interest in. The main problem in our house is that the grandparents are all trying to outdo the others. Sad, I know. I don't wanna ruin anyone's fun, so I let the G parents go wild at Christmas if they want. They are told that every year before Christmas, we go through the girls toys and give away toys that are rarely played with or throw away toys with missing pieces. When it comes to birthdays I ask them to pitch in money on a kick-butt party or tell them to get them socks or underwear. When they ask what the other GP's are doing, I tell them they are helping to pay for the party, or ordering the cake or doing goody bags. I tell them no one is bringing presents. I try to teach my kids that it's a time to get together with family and friends and have a good time. This also allows for great parties and the kids have a good time and don't even realize there are no presents. MIL lives in another state, but she is here visiting almost once a month. She will bring stuff for each kid everytime she comes but she is nice enough to call and ask if they need anything or want anything in particular. She used to bring me all these little knick-knacks until I told her that collecting and pack-ratting is a sign of mental illness and I didn't want to turn into a crazy cat lady These tricks have worked for me, although it did take a few years to get all the GP's on the same page.

#3- Ahhh, a know it all SIL, huh? Had twins a year ago and wants to be your knight in shining armor because there is no way you have the brains to figure it out on your own. There may be times when you really do need her help or advice, so, this is a tricky one. We don't want to burn bridges in either of these situations, at the same time, you don't want her holding on to your boob while trying to show you how to latch the babies on. My SIL has 4 kids ages 4 and under- no twins, just CONSTANTLY pregnant, so you can't imagine the amount of times I've heard that she knows just what it's like to have twins because hers are all so close together. I just gently ignore her. If yours comes over, take you and the babies into your room for a nap. Stay there till she leaves. If she asks what she can do to help either tell her "Nothing, I've got it all under control" or give her very specific instructions-This load of laundry, that meal sitting there on the counter" I foresaw all this "I want to come help you" stuff way before it came because of the "I bet I know what it's like to have twins" comments and told her my sister would be coming to stay a few days, strictly to help with my older girls because there's no way I can ALWAYS have help, why get used to it early on? I mean, at some point, I'm gonna have to do it by myself. Why not start out that way? If you do want help, but want a few days to get settled in, tell her exactly that. "I'm willing to let the house fall down around my ears the first few days while the babies and I get acquainted, but feel free to come by on the weekends, or whatever..."

Good luck!!

 

I can relate to your 2nd concern about the toys. They way we deal with it is to not buy the kids anything. I have bought very, very few toys over the years. We have a large amount of relatives, my MIL is a great giver at holidays, and my mom works at a retail store where she often gets big toys at a huge discount so we definitely have more than our fair share of toys. Instead of worrying about it, I just let it be and see it as a way for us to save money. I've probably spent a grand total of less than $200 on toys/games/etc. in the last 5 years. As for overcrowding, when there get to be too many things I take some to sell at the twins club garage sale and that clears up space. I also have a lot in the attic and garage and that allows me to rotate which toys are out and keep them all "fresh". As the kids get older, you can also mention in passing how much time the kids spend outside so maybe your ILs will get them some outdoor toys like buckets, pails, and bubbles.

You are obviously trying to be conscientious parents so your kids are not likely to run all over you like your nieces and nephews do with their parents. Having lots of toys doesn't necessarily lead to spoiled children, it actually depends on the parents. Your kids can still be given lots of stuff by your ILs but be grateful and polite about it. Personally, this is one fight I wouldn't worry about because there are going to be many, many more but it's totally up to you. With family, you have to pick and choose what is really important. This will be easier to do as the babies get older and is definitely most difficult during pregnancy when everything is all still a blank slate. Good luck!

 

I can totally relate on the gift-giving. My DH has a son from a previous marriage and we are constantly fighting this battle. We get him for visitation every other weekend and he had gotten to the point where he EXPECTED for Mimi to give him a new train (of the Thomas variety) every time he was at our house. The worst part is that she never disappointed him, and usually 10 fold. She's constantly spending money on him either buying toys that he doesn't need OR want at garage sales or taking him shopping to pick out one toy and coming home with 10. DH and I have tried to talk to her about it and she cries saying she never had a grandmother and she wants to be the grandmother to him that she never had. The truth is, he just enjoys his time with her and if she would quit buying junk and just play with him, he'd be fine with it. I've gotten to the point where I go through his room and box up toys while he's at his mom's. He's never noticed that any of them are missing.

Now, my BIL and SIL just had a baby mid-November and we'll have the girls next week. If she continues her spending habits with 4 grandchildren rather than just 1, my inlaws will be flat broke in a month. Sadly, it's going to be the most upsetting to my step-son because she's conditioned him to expect the gifts, but I also feel like my hands are tied because he's not "MY" son. If this same thing were going on with my girls, I would definitely speak my mind to her.

Aren't in-laws amazing? (on a side note...my MIL is the one I posted about who offered to breastfeed my children. Yes, she's a bit creepy. It was not in a loving, caring kind of way....a total creeperson "let me stick my boob in your kid's mouth" kind of way. My SIL refuses to leave her son along with MIL...I've got a "special" one.)

 

It all comes down to RESPECT -- respect for you as a person by NOT insulting you and considering YOUR feelings, RESPECT for you as the mother of these children. If someone is not saying nice things to you, why do you feel like you need to listen and not hurt their feelings. You need to find the courage to say "don't say that it is hurtful to me".

These people have HAD THEIR OWN CHILDREN it is now YOUR TURN to play the "parent experiment" and see how it all works out for you. You & your dh get to decide what is going to be the rules.

I had mY SIL here for two weeks and to "help" and she didn't make a single meal the entire time, folded the odd load of laundry and it was all about her sitting on the couch waiting to "hold or feed" the babies.

MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY is told -- email if you have to that stopping over unannounced is not ok, helping means helping with cooking/cleaning/laundry, and take those first couple of days to have NOBODY in the house. The first few days you need time to bond as a family to figure them out, to just enjoy your new family. It is ok to not answer the door and better yet put up a sign that says "mother & baby sleeping DO NOT KNOCK" I know someone who put out an email and that really helped. Plus often twin babies are smaller and less exposure to germs especially other little kids is best. Tell them the doctor said few visitors until the babies are "X" pounds. it is ok to lie.


I can't tell you how much I regret not having those first 3-4 days alone with my dh to just enjoy our babies. If you don't set the rules you will reget it, and often put a huge riff in the family. I now detest my sil and last time she came to visit she stayed in a hotel.

Heather

 

That's tough! I haven't had in law problems to that extent, so it's hard for me to comment. But I do want to comment on one thing. You know that "private time to bond with the babies" you're hoping for? It's a myth. You're going to need all of the help you can get with two newborns. I nearly died, and that's putting it mildly. What a learning experience! I'd accept help from anyone who offers, just make sure it's the right kind of help. Make lists and leave them around the house.

 

I would not want people staying overnight at first. I bfed.

I would say, regarding the help, something blunt and specific like, "Why, yes, it would be great if you could handle the cooking and the laundry so that we can have more time to bond with the babies. What motel would you like us to book for you?" (That's if they need to come to your town. Otherwise, they can go to their own house.) Or pick whatever chores you like. You'll never miss doing housework--and shouldn't anyway, if you have a c-section--but you would miss holding your babies. Everybody likes that job, of course, but what you really want help with is the other stuff.

As for your FIL's comments, I would create a mantra and repeat as often as necessary whenever he makes those comments. Something like, "Happy mothers have happy children. So long as we are all happy, the details will take care of themselves." If you always blandly repeat this every single time he makes a comment, he will get bored because he can't get a rise out of you.

You've already gotten several good suggestions as to the toys. I just said that they could have one or two toys, but their other gifts needed to be books or clothes or something like that. This way the grandparents got to shop for them a lot and I wasn't buried in toys. I agree with PPs: your attitude alone will make the difference in how your children behave toward other people. If they did get to expecting things, the charitable donation idea is a great one. It's never too early to introduce the idea of counting one's blessings.

eta: fix typo

 

With the present giving thing if they are really set on buying something every fortnight maybe you could ask them if instead of toys they buy books Your kids will end up with a lovely collection of something they can use in the future.

With your SIL my advice would be see how you go with just DH as you never get that time back and I just needed a quiet restful house after I bought any of my kids home. Last time my mother was here and it was a nightmare. If she insists write a chore list now to get her started on !

Most of all Good luck and Congratulations on your soon to be here babies :hug:

 

hun
this might seem mean to some people but do you have a lock on your door.
i have to use mine. quiet offten, i have been on a easy bedrest which my mother feels she mmost help 24hrs a day 7days a week
so i sat down with her and asked her to come over and help me with my other kids. she wants to come over at 7am i said i need some time forr myself and family, my front door will be unlocked at 10am,
as for your sil. tell her you appericate the offer but you and your husband are going to spend the first couple of weeks bonding with the babies and each other. dont forget who you are.
tell everyone not just inlaws that visiting time will be from 2-4.30pm everyday. pick your own time but you get the idea
this gives everyone a chance to see the babies and you guys.
good luck hun