Need a pick me up

Did any of you ever feel like you weren't connecting with one of your twins? One of my twins always seems happy to see me, smiling
really big when I get home, loving when I talk with her and pick her up, and so forth. The other twin, however, almost seems to not
know me. She gets really fussy when I get home and sometimes cries and I just can't soothe her. She does smile for me and will talk
to me (well, make sounds) when I have her on the changing table, but otherwise not much interest or excitement for me. She was in her
bouncy seat the other day when I got home and my mil was with her talking to her and I walked in, sat down on the other side and she would
not turn her head, not even glance my way when she heard my voice.

I don't know why I'm getting so upset about this. They are still young, 3 1/2 months. But, it really does upset me. I find myself paying more attention
to her in the evening, almost forcing myself on her, if that makes sense.

Honestly, it sounds immature and ridiculous, but I can't help feeling this way.
Did any of you experience it? Did it change?
Thanks!

 

I found honestly that the first 5months the babies didn't know me from anyone else. They would randomly smile at anyone or anything, and that anyone was usually not me. It wasn't until around 5-6months that I actually felt they knew who I was (and I am a SAHM! so I am with them ALL the time). Hang in there, the recognition will come, they do know who you are they just don't have the vocabulary or communications skill yet to show it.
I remember I used to get upset because dd wouldn't smile at all, it took her until like 5months to smile, and now honestly I can barely stop her smiling!

 

:hug: What you're feeling can be really upsetting, but it's not uncommon. I had a hard time connecting with one twin in the beginning, and I'm still not quite as close to that one as the other. Partly just how personalities click or don't click, also has to do with how much affection they show. But it has gotten SO much better over time. As they grow and their personalities unfold, they just keep giving you new things to connect with. Their temperaments can really change, too (and may change to something you find easier to handle). The twin I had trouble bonding with was extremely intense, needy, and high-maintenance in the beginning - but now is by far the more mellow, laid-back, easygoing of the two.

So try not to sweat it too much. Keep trying to connect with the one you don't get along with as well, but try not to beat yourself up if it doesn't come naturally. It is just HARD bonding with two infants at once!

Oh, one other thing I wanted to mention - do you think there might be any chance you're suffering from PPD? That's something I went through, and it had a huge effect on how connected I felt to the babies.

 

As you said, they are still so young at 3 1/2 months. Every baby is different. I remember both of my babies responding so much more smiley and animated to both of their grandmothers when they would hold them at that age than they did me and I too was staying home with them at that time. Your baby knows you, but some just take longer to show it as pp have said and of course you're going to feel more bonded w/the one who is showing it already - that is human nature.

 

I had this same thing with my twins. DS is Mummy's boy and is most happy when with me, and always responded to me over anyone else, but DD seemed not to be able to tell the difference btw me or anyone else for AGES. Didn't snuggle with me or anything, didn't seem interested in me. She wouldn't even look at me at about 3 months, I have her on video and I was a bit worried considering DS was so different.
Even now she is quite happy to go to anyone, play with anyone, is not as cuddly, BUT if she hurts herself in any way or is upset, she wants ME.
I also noticed one day at about 7mths that we were leaving a friends house after visiting and the friend held DD as I gathered my things, she started whimpering when I picked up my bag -she musts have thought I would leave her behind!!!!!
So I know she knows me! I just think that because DS is so cuddly, needy and interactive with me, that I thought DD didn't care, but she is just a different personality and her attachment is just much more understated than DS.
I hope that makes sense.
:hug:

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Oct 8 2008, 11:30 PM) [snapback]1018735[/snapback]
I had this same thing with my twins. DS is Mummy's boy and is most happy when with me, and always responded to me over anyone else, but DD seemed not to be able to tell the difference btw me or anyone else for AGES. Didn't snuggle with me or anything, didn't seem interested in me. She wouldn't even look at me at about 3 months, I have her on video and I was a bit worried considering DS was so different.
Even now she is quite happy to go to anyone, play with anyone, is not as cuddly, BUT if she hurts herself in any way or is upset, she wants ME.
I also noticed one day at about 7mths that we were leaving a friends house after visiting and the friend held DD as I gathered my things, she started whimpering when I picked up my bag -she musts have thought I would leave her behind!!!!!
So I know she knows me! I just think that because DS is so cuddly, needy and interactive with me, that I thought DD didn't care, but she is just a different personality and her attachment is just much more understated than DS.
I hope that makes sense.
:hug:



I think this is right on! Each twin will have their own bond with you and it will be truly special. My babies are just a little older than you and JUST NOW do they both look me in the eyes and smile! DS was doing this long before DD but they are both this way now. DD loves to snuggle, while DS would rather not. But he beams at me and I know he is responding to me. They DO know you and they feel your love and feel safe around you and trust you completely! I agree with the other poster about them knowing all this but they don't have the means to communicate their emotions at 3 1/2 mos. You are a wonderful, loving Mommy to both of your babies and they need you more than you know

 

We have had the same thing here. In the beginning DD only wanted my husband until we spent a week in the hospital at 4 months and from then on out she only wanted me. She still will not go to DH. We are working on that. He gets really upset that she doesn't go to him. If she cries for any reason she wants me hands down and will cry worse until I come and get her. I had to stop doing that, I had to let him hold her no matter what and realize that he can soothe her too. It is slightly improving and now she lights up when she sees him and will go give him a hug and a kiss but not for very long but we make it a big deal and she realizes that it is fun. Takes time, hang in there.

 

Dont feel bad, you will go back and forth on who you are connecting with more a few times over the next few months. Around 9mo I really connected with both of my girls in different ways because their personalities really started showing and they understood and did so much more, they werent just little lumps anymore.

I just kept telling myself it was because there was two of them and its so hard not to compare! You are all still getting to know one another. It really does get better!
Hang in there!!

 

I have gone through times when I thought neither of my babies cared for me - they seem to prefer DH. I read stories about how people's newborns are only soothed by the mom and the dad is useless and around here a lot of times it seemed like it was the opposite for me - if DH was an option they preferred him. But as they've grown I've gotten to know them better and the baby who I felt most distant from at the beginning is the one who has been closest to me lately. The baby who I could always make smile in the first couple of months has been a daddy's girl recently. I would just hang in there and I bet as time goes on you will have certain times you feel closer to one and then the other.

 

I have read this thread 3 times now because I am in the same boat! Thank you for bringing this up and thank you to all the people who responded so candidly! I have felt a connection with DS since birth that hasn't been there with DD. She is "Daddy's Girl" for sure and I think that may be why I show DS so much more attention. (To make up for a wrongfully perceived favoritism for DD from DH) Anyway, I am finding that my DD is warming up to me now even though she still only smiles for Daddy. Some days I think that they only like me for my feed bags. LOL
The other day I was playing with DD and she smiled at ME for the first time. I said, "I think she likes me." and DH got upset. He said, "Of course she likes you, you are her Mum!" He couldn't believe that I had even thought she may not like me. It was so obvious to HIM that she does! I guess the perception is different to all of us.
It is just so hard feeling like your attention is divided and that you MAY be showering one and not the other. It gets even more complicated when you try to compensate. My advice is to hang in there. Your child may only seem disinterested because they are comfortable knowing that you are always there when they want you. You will see those moments where you connect with one more than the other. Just know that the next day it may be the other one. Smile inside knowing that you have TWO charming little ones who depend on you and YES! They really do like you!

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Oct 8 2008, 10:51 PM) [snapback]1018644[/snapback]
:hug: What you're feeling can be really upsetting, but it's not uncommon. I had a hard time connecting with one twin in the beginning, and I'm still not quite as close to that one as the other. Partly just how personalities click or don't click, also has to do with how much affection they show. But it has gotten SO much better over time. As they grow and their personalities unfold, they just keep giving you new things to connect with. Their temperaments can really change, too (and may change to something you find easier to handle). The twin I had trouble bonding with was extremely intense, needy, and high-maintenance in the beginning - but now is by far the more mellow, laid-back, easygoing of the two.

So try not to sweat it too much. Keep trying to connect with the one you don't get along with as well, but try not to beat yourself up if it doesn't come naturally. It is just HARD bonding with two infants at once!

Oh, one other thing I wanted to mention - do you think there might be any chance you're suffering from PPD? That's something I went through, and it had a huge effect on how connected I felt to the babies.


My situation was almost identical to this one. I ditto EVERYTHING she said! Give it time, it will get better!

 

My babies are just over four months. I can't tell you how sad and guilty I have felt myself over this topic. DS is totally a momma's boy, he has always loved to cuddle with me, and laugh and smile. DD is a daddy's girl she loves daddy and smiles and laughs at him. It took me a while to feel completely connected to her. Just within the last month or so she has started to show a preferance for me to other people. She has started to get "stranger danger" and doesn't want anyone she does know well to hold her. And of course there is another guilty part of me that says finally! she is all mine! It does get better I promise.

 

We've definitely experienced this too. Joel is his mama's boy. He wants me, all the time. Roman prefers his daddy--though he did say "Mama" first, then "Dada" a week or two later. I worried at the beginning that I wasn't bonding with Joel, but now we are so attached, whereas with Roman it's totally different. He loves to snuggle and cuddle with me when he's tired or upset, but he'd prefer daddy the rest of the time. I love them both so much, but I feel closer to Joel a lot of the time.

 

Min are 6 months old and only recently did dd finally act like I existed. My ds would laugha nd smile and jump and shake all over when he saw me enter a room, but dd seemed not to even notice me, but a bout 3 weeks ago things changed. Shes totally different.

 

It took me a while to connect with Nikola because he would cry or whine so much and not really interact for a while. Annalise interacted almost right away. So, it was a slower bonding process with him. I defnitely more bonded with him now and equally between them. It can definitely change! :hug: