Nearly 4 and I still can't look after them and get stuff done!

I feel like I have been patient, I feel like I have put in my time, 4yrs worth - so, when am I going to be able to say scrapbook for 30min while also looking after the kids? aren't kids suppose to play on their own by now? my kids might play on their own for a few minutes at time, gives me enough time to brush my teeth (barely) before I have to either break up a fight, help someone find something, get a new game out, or attend to a variety of other needs.
Somedays I start to feel like I have over indulged my kids with focusing on them so much to the point where they have no idea how to play on their own.
MY dd came home from nursery school the other day and told me she want to invite 2 friends over to play - and all I can think of is - no flipping way do I want 4 kids, under 4 yrs old in my house who I have to entertain!

 

It seems to really depend on the kid. Mine have been playing alone since about age three. By that I mean, playing by themselves for up to an hour with no parental involvement needed. I don't know what we did to get them to that stage. I do think that the ability to entertain one's self is a learned behavior, so if your kids aren't playing independently, you may need to guide them along. At my house, independent play is frequently imaginative. They're either taking care of baby dolls and pretending to be adults, or they're acting out their favorite story and pretending to be book characters. They don't need any adult help to pretend. I've also found that they're happier to play on their own if I have already paid a lot of attention to them recently. And independent play doesn't happen when they're tired or whiny - all they want to do then is climb all over me and follow me around.

So... to get started... explain to your kids that you're going to read a story and then they'll play while you clean the kitchen. Then cuddle on the couch and read a great imaginative story (I highly recommend the Magic Tree House series). Then get out some dress up clothes so they can pretend to be the characters. Wander away once they get involved in playing. But come back in 10 minutes to check on them and interact. If you leave them too long to start, they'll get lonely since they're used to you entertaining them. Once you hook them on the concept that play can happen without mom there, each day you can increase the time you spend in another room. If they're not the imaginative type, then perhaps you can find something else that will hold their interest and that they can do without you. Legos? Puzzles? Drawing? You may have to rotate through and try different things, because unless the toy/game holds their interest at that exact moment, they'll quickly devolve into fighting or whining or needing mommy.

My girls will never play alone if I put out puzzles. And they won't do most crafts. They're happy to sit on the rug with a pair of scissors and cut up paper or make books (Cricket loves the stapler!). The other stuff is too tricky and they get frustrated and need me to intervene.

Wow - this is turning into a long post. It must be the very boring work conference call I'm on. To sum it all up... if it doesn't come naturally, you can teach your kids to play independently. The most important things to consider is whether the child can actually play with a certain toy without assistance, and whether the child is actually interested in the toy at that moment. Most of the independent play in my house occurs when my girls find something they want to play with, not when I plan the time or toy.

 

Tricia, that's an incredibly helpful post! I can see that working to some degree with my girls already. Thanks for taking that conference call.

 

I really like Tricia's ideas, but I also think it can be simplier than that. In order to learn to play with out you, you need to be unavailable. Of course you are there in case of an emergancy--but unavailable for play or even minor fighting.

Here is your toy kitchen--you can play with it, mommy can't play with you because mommy has to work in Mommy's kitchen.
Four is also old enough for them to start helping you with a lot of the housework. So you can say, you can help mommy sort the laundry or you can play with your blocks. You can color at the table, while mommy does her scapbooking. If they are going to stay at the table, they have to color, or they can go play with their blocks. Give them two specific options.

 

Oh yeah, I offer them the opportunity to either help me in the kitchen prepare dinner or they can color at the table or go downstairs and play. I do ask them sometimes to make me something (some sort of arts and craft thing) and that keeps them busy for a while. I think you just need to give them an idea, encourage them to do it, and then back off.

When my two are playing downstairs, I only interfere when I hear a really bad fight or if they ask me a question. And sometimes I tell them that I can't answer their question right now because I'm busy doing __________.

 

I also found that when my kids were littler, you had to be very specific with them. A general "go play" was met with blank stares. A specific "can you color me this picture" was something they were able to follow and do.

Including the kids also helped. If you want to scrapbook, I would give them one picture, some tape, stickers, and crayons or markers and tell them that's their page. You're going to do your Mommy Work and they can do theirs.

It just takes some work. Playing by themselves is truly a learned skill. Some kids seem to naturally get it (my daughter). Some kids still have the view that people are their toys (my son). It's something that gets better with age and practice.

Marissa

 

Hi
My kids are younger but they currently play together without me for long periods of time (i'm sure that will change many times) but that is how it is for now. To help get them to do this I started really small--I would tell them that in the morning I need time to drink my coffee and as it is hot so they can't climb on me or play with me during that time. At first this was met by a LOT of resistance but eventually they would start to play without me and this became routine. Then I stretched it out to coffee and cleaning up the breakfast stuff. Then I would go and play with them for a while, then tell them the next thing I had to do (usually no longer than 20 minutes) where they would have to play without me. Another thing I started when they were about 18 months was letting them play in the backyard (in the summer) without me outside. It is totally fenced and safe and I could see them from the kitchen..they loved it as I think they felt like big kids, and there was lots to do so they really got used to playing together or independently. Now that they are getting older (nearly 3) they will usually quite happily play together or independently. I think as others have said that it is just a matter of getting used to it and (for me at least) not feeling guilty about letting them play without you.

Of course, I still don't get much done these days...but I guess that is more me than them. LOL