Nanny common sense?

Just a bit of background, I live in the middle east and I have what they call a "housemaid" here, she does the cleaning, laundry, and some of the cooking, and she also helps with the kids (I often take the kids to classes - music class, gym class, swim lessons - and they all require a 1 to 1 ratio - so I have to take her with me), and she will watch the kids for periods of time if I need a break. I am quite fortunate to have this luxury and the cost of it is quite cheap compared to what you would pay in north america. But I am beginning to wonder if I need the help of a more formally trained/educated nanny to watch the kids, as I would love to go away for a night or for a few days with DH when he travels (he is gone anywhere from 25-50% of the time and we have no family over here) and just know that the kids are being taken care of by someone with a little more kid-common-sense.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
- I thought it was common sense that when kids do something really silly (like rubbing their grimy hands through their hair when eating dinner, or sticking their finger up their nose) that you just ignore them, because if you laugh or make a big deal out of it (as my housemaid often does) then they just keep doing it!
- DD was playing with two toys yesterday and my housemaid told her (in a really nice voice) no sweety that is wrong, those two toys dont go together. Again common sense says that it is not wrong, but she is being creative.
- I used to call my kids sweetie-boy and sweetie-girl, well I think my housemaid heard me call them that a lot, so now she calls them that as well. I know I should have probably addressed that with her months ago, but I feel like it might be a bit late for that now. So as a result I have come up with different cute nick-names for the kids. Again, I just though it was common sense not to call the kids the same nicknames that the parents do...am I over-reacting?
- I am constantly saying things like "gentle hands" when I want them to stop being rough, or "sit on your bum" when they standing on the couch. So I am always trying to use the "positive" terms rather then saying "don't hit" or "no standing", but again, she doesn't do this naturally. She has heard me use these terms so she does try as well, but for anything new she resorts back to the "negative" statements "no standing on the toy", "no playing with the door".

I should say that she is very sweet with the kids and I do trust her, but I just wish that she has a bit more understanding of kids and how to teach/react to them. Please tell me, am I over-reacting? She probably only spends about 10hrs/wk alone with the kids, but easily spends another 20 hrs/wk interacting with the kids when we are around as well.

 

Hmm...I don't have a nanny, so this might not be worth the price of bananas to you , since you are her employer, could you sit her down and go over the expectations you have for her:
"We want to teach the kids not to stick their finger up their nose, we have found if we laugh or pay attention to it, they will do it more. Ignoring the behavior, we've found, helps us to stop it."
I would also address the positive statements when you want to address bad behavior, and also with her informing DD that those toys do not belong together to embrace DD's creativity but if DD acted frustrated because the toy did not work right to positively address to her that the right parts will help it work, "I think it's great you are being creative, but if you want this toy to work right let's try these parts together..."
As for the nicknames, not sure what to do there.
It sounds like you generally like this housemaid and that she has a good rapport with the kids, so I would try talking to her about it and then taking it from there. Good luck!

 

I agree with Nancy. Maybe frame it like "Since the kids are getting older, we need to make sure we use positive language/discourage these behaviors/etc."

 

Isis is she an older woman? The reason I ask is b/c all the stuff you are describing is what my mil and mom do. I think it may be more generational and therefore the common sense, as our generation would see it, would not apply. I agree w/ Nancy and I would just set your expectations w/ her.

 

QUOTE(isis @ May 19 2009, 01:47 PM) [snapback]1319834[/snapback]
- I am constantly saying things like "gentle hands" when I want them to stop being rough, or "sit on your bum" when they standing on the couch. So I am always trying to use the "positive" terms rather then saying "don't hit" or "no standing", but again, she doesn't do this naturally. She has heard me use these terms so she does try as well, but for anything new she resorts back to the "negative" statements "no standing on the toy", "no playing with the door".

My first thoughts were whether there are cultural differences and which language are you/she speaking?

 

These are all good questions... and my DP is guilty of many of these same things. I don't think all of these things are common sense, and it definitely might be worth talking to her about it. Just make it like PP said, "Since the kids are getting older, we want to address a few things that we feel are important." As with your kids, you might want to approach it from a positive perspective, "we'd like to do this", rather than "we don't like this about your behavior...".

She sounds like a nice person and I bet if you talk to her things will improve. Good luck! It's so hard being the boss of a nanny (for me anyway!).

 

I also have all kinds of questions about cultural differences, but I think the bottom line is that a lot of these things aren't common sense at all. Not that I'm the standard for common sense, but I had to read a book to learn that positive language and ignoring minor misbehavior were the most effective methods. Those are relatively new insights into child psychology.

But I think there's less common sense and more what-we're-familiar-with in a lot of parenting anyway, so you should feel completely empowered to tell your housemaid how you do things, or at least directly invite her to try them so she can see that they work better.

I don't know about asking her not to call them what you call them - that would depend an awful lot on her first language and how proficient she is in English. Maybe she's imitating you because she doesn't know any other endearments in English?

 

QUOTE(Zabeta @ May 19 2009, 09:23 PM) [snapback]1320542[/snapback]
I also have all kinds of questions about cultural differences, but I think the bottom line is that a lot of these things aren't common sense at all. Not that I'm the standard for common sense, but I had to read a book to learn that positive language and ignoring minor misbehavior were the most effective methods. Those are relatively new insights into child psychology.

But I think there's less common sense and more what-we're-familiar-with in a lot of parenting anyway, so you should feel completely empowered to tell your housemaid how you do things, or at least directly invite her to try them so she can see that they work better.

I don't know about asking her not to call them what you call them - that would depend an awful lot on her first language and how proficient she is in English. Maybe she's imitating you because she doesn't know any other endearments in English?

I second this.

As far as the question of leaving her in charge so you can go out of town - the thing is, she is already spending quite a bit of time with them and so I wouldn't let the things you've posted about stop me from enjoying some time away. (I understand you wanting to change them...but they wouldn't be the deciding factor for overnights, for me) I would consider - do you feel comfortable she could handle an emergency? If someone got hurt or sick enough to need medical care? a fire? a break-in? has she put them down for the night before or been the only one there when they woke up? does she know their bedtime routine? If not, I would start with that. How is she with them when they are sad/upset? What if the first time you are away the kids have a hard time with it - is she nurturing/patient/understanding? Is she already rountinely doing meals on her own? Are you okay with how that is done?

 

Sounds to me that you may be a little more educated in child development than your nanny and you could tell her these things, but I don't think all people would automatically know these types of things.

 

I have a full time nanny, and she's fantastically smart, wonderful, and well read. However, the things that I consider common sense about raising kids are not always the same as what she inherently does with my girls. At regular intervals I sit down with her and explain what I'd like to see her do with P & C. She's been really open to trying my way and usually it works great. So, like the PPs have said, I'd suggest you have a chat with your housemaid. Tell her your theories of child raising, explain why you want her to react a certain way, and don't worry about the nickname. She's probably imitating you because she is trying to do what you want. And if you call your children nicknames, you must want that, right? So tell her what you want her to call your kids. Expectations are always helpful!

 

Hey Brenda - I am presuming that your 'nanny' is either Filipino, Sri Lankan or Indian. I could be wrong but the first problem for me with my housemaid is language. She has good English but she doesn't understand everything and her vocab is limited. Also, - again I am presuming - she is not a trained nanny. So when you take everything into consideration such as language, culture, age, training (or lack of) and whether she is bright or not, then the experiences you are talking about are very common here. You just need to tell her what words you like to be used and what you don't. My lady is wonderful with the boys and is so nice but I remind myself that she is not a trained nanny and we have different cultural backgrounds and sometimes a language barrier. At the moment she is calling the boys 'naughty' when they do something wrong so we have talked about how I don't like it and I don't want her to use that word. These ladies come cheap and let's be honest if you paid for a 'proper nanny' from your own country you wouldn't be having a lot of these problems. So I think it's a case of just telling her what you want!

 

Honestly, I think you are overreacting on some points. I can't say I don't laugh if my kids run their hands through their hair while covered in food. I say "no hitting" etc. I don't necessarily think it's a "common sense" issue. If you want her to act differently with your children, you should just have a conversation.

 

I haven't read any of the other responses, but I'm in a situation very similar to you. I live abroad and have had a series of housekeeper/nannies. I actually work outside of the home so mine are more nannies than yours. It has been a roller coaster ride but I need to keep one thing in mind.

My common sense is my North American common sense. I can not expect in any way that people from another culture have the same ideas as me. It is very easy to fall into the trap "If she would think..." or similar, what was she thinking, etc. The simly truth is you can not expect another person to think like you, even when they are from the same culture. When you are dealing with people from another culture of course they are not going to think like you--BUT that does not mean she wasn't thinking. It just means she wasn't thinking like you.

So what to do?
Communicate communicate communicate. Don't leave any thing unsaid. Don't asume what you want her to do or not do will be obvious. Do check her comprehension, get her to repeat things back, discuss why you are doing things or why you are not doing things. Ask her opinion or what she would do in X situation and maybe just maybe sometimes, you might like that option better than what you are doing.

 

Yes, I think you are overreacting. I think you are wanting her to be you and do things your way which is not necessarily the only way to do things or the only "correct" way to do things.
QUOTE(isis @ May 19 2009, 09:47 AM) [snapback]1319834[/snapback]
Here are a few examples of what I mean:
- I thought it was common sense that when kids do something really silly (like rubbing their grimy hands through their hair when eating dinner, or sticking their finger up their nose) that you just ignore them, because if you laugh or make a big deal out of it (as my housemaid often does) then they just keep doing it!
I think it is common snese to NOT ignore such behavior. Puttin gyour finger up your nose is a sanitary issue and disgusting. I ALWAYS tell them not to do this if they do it. I have 4 kids adn found that ignoring rarely ever helps distinguish the behavior.
- DD was playing with two toys yesterday and my housemaid told her (in a really nice voice) no sweety that is wrong, those two toys dont go together. Again common sense says that it is not wrong, but she is being creative. So your issue is that she used the word "wrong"? I think that is such a minor thing it's not even worth mentioning. If you have an issue with it, ask her to n ot use it. No big deal.
- I used to call my kids sweetie-boy and sweetie-girl, well I think my housemaid heard me call them that a lot, so now she calls them that as well. I know I should have probably addressed that with her months ago, but I feel like it might be a bit late for that now. So as a result I have come up with different cute nick-names for the kids. Again, I just though it was common sense not to call the kids the same nicknames that the parents do...am I over-reacting? Whose common sense is that? Why can't she call them sweetie? That's pretty much a name most people call kids. To my knowledge no one has ownership over a nick name like that. I'd be thrilled that she adores my children enough to call them such sweeet comforting names.
- I am constantly saying things like "gentle hands" when I want them to stop being rough, or "sit on your bum" when they standing on the couch. So I am always trying to use the "positive" terms rather then saying "don't hit" or "no standing", but again, she doesn't do this naturally. She has heard me use these terms so she does try as well, but for anything new she resorts back to the "negative" statements "no standing on the toy", "no playing with the door". I must be a bad person too then because I am always telling my kids to not stand on toys, no hitting and such. Postive statements are great but ones giving clear boundries and safety limits are too. I think it's unrealistic to think you will never use "negative" statements to your kids. I think you are really nit picking this poor woman who clearly cares abot your kids and is working really hard.

 

I don't think the things you listed are totally common sense related. She is calling them the names you are calling them because she thinks you want that. I call my kids what I call country bumpkin names and I have noticed that others are catching on. They think that since you call them that, you want everyone to call them that.

I tell my kids "don't do this, that, the other" all the time. Different people have different approaches to these type things, but that does not mean either have a lack of common sense. I would like to be positive ALL the time with my kids, but sometimes I HAVE to say "Stop!!!!!!!!!" to get them to stop.

I have a full time nanny myself and none of these type things would bother me in the least bit.

 

Thanks for all your response - I appreciate all of the perspectives! yes, my housemaid is phillipino, and she is 35 yrs old, so I do think that there are some cultural/language issues that come into play. I have also recently found out that her kids back home drink pop all day long, eat junk food and go to bed whenever they want - i raise my children very differently then that, so I can see how my way of raising my kids is quite foreign to her. So, I am taking away from this that I obviously need to communicate my expectations to her a little bit better and maybe relax a bit about some other issues.

First let me just say that I know I am not at "perfect" mom, so when I say that I like "positive" statement used with the kids, I obviously don't do it 100% of the time and I did not mean to say that anyone who doesn't use those terms lacks common sense. I think I meant to say that I have talked about this with my housemaid, and I try to model it all the time for her, but she still resorts back to her "old" ways. My perspective here is somewhat selfish because I got so tired one day of always "no this, or no that" that I decided for my sanity I was going to say things in the positive instead, as I was sick and tired of saying the word "no" like 5,000 times/day. I find that it has helped me be more happy and positive around the kids - which helps all of us.

About the nicknames - I have been torn on this issue, because I can see both sides. Which is probably why I haven't addressed it so far. I do like that she calls them sweet names, I just wish she had made up her own and not taken mine, but I am going to chalk this up to a language barrier and let it be.

again, thanks all!

 

My suggestion is that you pay for any type of child care/ babysitting course /child development class for her, (along with open communication/ clear expectations). That might help. Good luck!