Nanny care and neighbor/acquaintance interaction

Hi all,

We have a good nanny. The twins picked up lots of behaviors from her just like from ours. However, She let one of the neighbor kids pick up one of our girls today. That raised a concern about how we should set rule about how our nanny need to follow about letting others touching our girls. I don't want the girls build trust on someone who they encountered during the trips to the park with the nanny - that include neighbors (who I don't have close relationship with besides knowing where their house is and occasionally saying HI and small talk.)

I briefly mentioned that I donot want anyone who are not family to touch them (harmless folks may have some sickness (slice or cold etc..) or harmful folks may build up our girls' trust) without my presence. I'm thinking to put that rule in writing.

One of our neighbors also gave the girls gifts directly (without my presence) twice, and I donot want the nanny to allow the girls to accept gifts from anyone. (In this case, the neighbor meant well but the gift was not appropriate safety-wise for their age etc... And I donot want to owe anyone anything if I can help it. I normally return favors, gift exchange etc...)

What do you think about these? Would you put down in writing about these if you think similarly? Thoughts on non-family contacts, and how not to alienate neighbors, acquaintances?

Thanks much for the feedbacks always!

 

Oh I absolutely agree with you. I would not be comfortable whatsoever of people I do not know very well giving my babies gifts, picking them up, touching them without us present and by us, I mean myself, DH or my mum - and that is it, no one else. I am also of the opinion that should someone give your babies gifts, the nanny should of course give it to you first for approval, without a doubt. I suppose a nice way for the nanny to explain to neighbour/non family members etc.. is that, like you say, you would like to acknowledge the gift formally or something like that (sorry it's late and I am a little tired)...

Before I finish off, I guess more to the point, I would be asking, how come the nanny is getting so familiar with the neighbours and their kids? Her responsibility and care is supposed to be with your kids and unless it was in a formal environment (such as playgroups etc) I wouldn't be comfortable with her socialising with people who I didn't know, while she was caring for my kids... don't mean to be harsh but anyway...

 

I honestly think you're going to have a hard time finding a nanny to follow those rules.

My best friend for several years was a nanny. Her family that she was with was fairly loose with what she could do. I think that their philosophy is that they are already trusting her with their kids so they had better trust that she has good judgement on what to do with them. They came to my house often for playdates. We went to zoos and museums together. We met at parks all the time. She's no longer with those kids (they got old enough for school), but in all the years our kids played together, I never once met the mother.

My friend also once mentioned that she would never take a family again that had such strict rules on what she could do with the kids. She had done that with a previous family and she felt like she was on house arrest the entire time.

As to how the nanny is meeting these people, I would assume she's going on walks, taking the kids to parks and just playing in the yard. I think if you have your nanny telling your neighbors "you can't touch a kid, their mother doesn't know you" you're going to end up the talk of the neighborhood, in not a good way.

I think some good ground rules where she takes the kids are in order. But you are already trusting her with your kids and being in your house. You have to trust that she has some common sense and good judgement.

Marissa

 

I have to agree with marissa here. Our sitter has watched our girls since they were 9 months old. She took them to the park and library and beach. Dh and I would laugh when we'd walk around our little town and they'd say hi to people and the people knew them too! I actually thought it was very sweet that they are so a part of our community that they know lots of people. As for the gift that someone gave them that are not appropriate for their age, I might say something about that especially if it was a chocking hazard or something. In the past our sitter has asked if my girls could play or have certain things, and some things we said sure, but others we said no for now. For example my girls are not allowed to play on her trampoline and both sitter and I are 100 percent on the same page with that.

 

I think one of the reasons I am so comfortable with my nanny is that I know she would never allow a stranger to pick them up. Maybe a pat on the head or something, but sometimes those situations are unavoidable, even when I'm out with the boys. Now, if the neighbor kid is someone they see at the park every day and know by name, I don't think it's a big deal if that kid picked one of them up, as long as they are supervised and not wandering off together.

I will add that I live in a big city and I'm hesitant to interact with people on the street or even let them know where I live, but I think it's nice to have a few friendly faces in the neighborhood that the kids recognize and speak to. The people in our building, for example, I always point them out as "our neighbors" and encourage them to say hello. I like the idea of my children being familiar with someone they could approach if there were an emergency or needed help when I wasn't around. Maybe your gift-giving neighbor is someone like that?

 

I don't know that you need to put the rules you want in writing, talking them through should be enough.

I do think that the rules you want are too strict. It doesn't seem feasible to have no one but family ever touch your girls. What about when they go to toddler classes? Or to school? Or just want to hold hands with a friend at the park? Maybe it would be better to ask just that nobody actually pick them up and that the nanny has them wash their hands when they come in/use a hand sanitiser on leaving the playground to minimise germs.

With the gifts I'd explain to you nanny why you feel they weren't age appropriate so that you're on the same page as to what they're allowed. As far as accepting or not accepting them at all I like the suggestion of having your nanny say she will save them for the girls to have when your home so that you can acknowledge them.

 

We have 2 sets of kids (same parents just years apart) My oldest set is now 18, 15 and 13. My youngest set is 5,5 and 1. We raised our oldest set HANDS OFF. I wanted no one to touch them, I was afraid of germs and of them becoming too trusting of the wrong people. This youngest set, I have raised HANDS ON. I do not parade them in town to be touched but neighbors, people I am sitting beside I WANT them to interact with. My oldest kids are very untrusting, very shy and germophobic (because I was). My youngest kids are outgoing, happy and while we do use hand sanitizer, they are not thinking that the person next to us may have a hideous disease that they may catch. Germs are every where, kids are going to get sick from time. I have talked to my twins and told them the dangers of running off from me and that there are bad people etc... but I want them to interact with others as much as possible. IMO the fact that you said that you have a good nanny says it all. She is there to protect your kids and I doubt she would ever put them in harms way, just as you never would.

edited to add because I forgot! if i felt the way you do, i would totally talk to her! you guys need to have a close communication!

 

I think it's good for kids to talk to other adults and interact. The vast majority of people are good and would help, not harm, a child. I think it's sad how fearful we've all become. Please look at the site "Free Range Parenting" because it's all about this. One excellent point I read on there once for why it's good for kids to be comfortable with speaking to strangers- a small child is lost and an unknown adult is nearby. Chances are that person could and would help the child but they are being taught to be so fearful of strangers that they may be more likely to hide from this person who could help them. Teach your children to not to go anywhere with unknown adults. Teach them to be cautious. Don't teach them to fear the world. If they are only willing to seek help from a police officer, they may be waiting for a long time because police (thankfully) aren't on each corner.

 

You absolutely need to talk to her - open communication will make things so much easier. That being said, I am a little puzzled by your concerns, although it's possible I just don't understand the situation. I'm not sure what's wrong with her getting to know your neighbors - especially if she is home all the time. But like I said, I might not understand your situation or the age of your kids. But talk to her!!

 

I don't know. With the gift thing, you could have her set it aside until you get home and then contact the neighbor to thank her/him. I don't know how old your kids are, but are they okay with the other kids picking them up? My children have had issues of kids picking them up in preschool.

I told the staff (and the staff was on the same page already) that the girls need to say to the person, "please don't pick me up." and if it continues, they are to tell a teacher. The big issue with them is that they were allowing it to happen, not liking it, but not saying anything. They didn't know how to tell them not to do it. Once I was there when a kid did it, and I said to her, "oh, honey, she doesn't like being picked up, but you guys can play."

I'm looking at it from the point of they'll need to learn these skills for when they get older, and who better to practice with than other kids. I think it will give them self-confidence into problem-solving with others and will help keep the lines of communication open with me. They couldn't do that if I was trying to protect them from behind the scenes.

Again, I don't know if your kids are old enough to understand all this, or verbalize it. Also, it's just our situation and my kids, so this may not work for you.

 

This is just my opinion but I think the nanny getting to know neighbors, the neighbors kids, while all the kids are playing together at a park or outside on the sidewalk is a positive, very positive thing. If there is ever an emergency or she needs assistance, she has people she could go to in a moments notice for help.

Kids learn from each other. Younger kids will try to adjust up, and it has been proven in studies, that kids will actually pick up skills from older kids and older kids will emulate down a little to accomodate the younger ones when they are playing with them.

As far as picking up. It would depend. If it is just an older child lifting a smaller one up- another words feet just off the ground, not a big deal but if I think the older kid is not old enough then I just tell them that xx needs to walk for themselves and I don't want them (the bigger kid) hurt. Kids are quick though so sometimes a child will pick up another child in the blink of an eye. It really depends on the circumstances. My dd used to love picking up her brother, I think she thought of him as her dolly. I was always telling her to put Alex down, stop picking him up, etc. She'd also dress him up.

Gifts- we had an older neighbor who used to give gifts. It made her happy, kids were happy. If they weren't age appropriate, I just told the kids they had to go in the china cabinet for now. They could see them but not touch them unless they asked and then it was with my direct supervision.

I would discuss safety of toys and gifts with the nanny. Sometimes gifts are just spontaneous, like a Mom cleans out the toy box and finds toys her kids don't play with anymore and gives them to another family for their kids. I wouldn't have one hard and fast rule about gifts because giving a gift means someone took the time to think about your kids and wanted to do something nice, the person giving usually isn't expecting anything back.

 

We absolutely love our baby sitter as well. She never raises her voice in front of them. But they so well behave around her. He has taught them many good things : collect trash in their play room, bring dirty clothes in the kitchen after changing on the morning,.. She does take them out play in the back yard. They take walks around the neighborhood. They do talk to neighbors. We do too. We are living in a nice neighborhood. My neighbors are very nice. They rise good kids. Personally, I encourage them to say hello to neighbors. We are very socializing. So we want our kids that way too.

About picking up, yeah I'm not so comfortable. But I'm not worried. My kids won't let anybody pick them up, if they are not families, baby sitter or teachers period. My kids have friends at playground, museums, school. They always play together. So they got germs anyway. I always carry hand santizier with us all the time.

About the gifts, it's hard for your nanny say no. However, you can tell her that. But what would your neighbors think about you? I would just throw it away later on if it's not appropriate.

In my case, if I don't like something our baby sitter does to my kids. I don't confront her. When we have lunch or chit chat, I just talk to her nicely. I rather have a friendship with her than a boss and employee relationship. We love her. My kids love her so much. And she loves my kids. She actually asked me to baby sit them for free on the weekend sometimes because she misses them!!! And I'm so happy to have a friendship with her. I can trust her 100% when I'm out of town for business. I would never put any rules in writing or serious conversation.