Nanny advice - weird conversation with my friend

Hi ladies,

I would like to get your feedback on a very bizarre conversation I had with a friend of mine. We are in the process of interviewing nannies and I mentioned to her that we were planning to interview a rather young nanny - 26yo. My friend's reaction was "I would never hire someone that young, especially if she is good looking". I was pretty shocked to hear that so I asked her why, doesn't she trust her husband? She proceeded to tell me that she would not try her luck, I quote: "you always here women saying, i never thought that he could do something like that". On top of that she added that she would not want someone to replace her as a mother. Again, quote: "if it's someone older, it's more like she's a grandmother and my little girl will know the difference when she gets a little older
but if it's someone my age, she might start calling her mom or being more attached to her than to me
that would break my heart
i've heard of kids crying out for their nanny in the middle of the night
i don't think i could handle that"

I was pretty stunned to hear this, these concerns never occurred to me. I would like to think that I can trust my husband not to start an affair with a nanny. Besides, if he really wanted to have an affair, he would be able to find someone outside the home anyway, wouldn't he? And I would think that kids can get just as attached (or maybe even more so) to an older nanny? But then I started second-guessing myself and wondering if I am just being naive. My mom and sister always tell me that I am too naive for my own good... what do you ladies think? Can my friend be right about this?

 

Believe me, once you have twins your husband won't have any time for an affair. We don't even know how I managed to get pregnant with a third - never mind an extra-marital relationship!

 

That sounds like something I would say. Of course you can't base someone's experience on their looks or their age but I think to ME that would play a role. I totally trust my DH to never do that to me but just knowing some good looking young thing was around him and my kids all the time would make me self conscious. Of course that is just me and my personal issues.

You do what you have to do and hire the person you feel most comfortable with. You are a mom and have intuition so listen to it. If it doesn't seem right than it probably isn't but not because what your friend said.

 

Everyone is different, when you were saying young I couldn't believe you put 26 and young together. I was thinking it was going to be a teenager or such. You need to do what is right for your family and just because something seems right for one, doesn't make it right for the other. And imo, if a dh is going to cheat, he's going to cheat, doesn't matter what your nanny looks like. If you have not had any reason to doubt him before, don't let a nanny make you start doubting him. I think it matters more what you feel about the nanny, do you trust her with your kids? I wouldn't let what she said get to you, you make the right choice for you and your kids.

 

I used to be a nanny for a couple who had 2 girls (not twins). I was only 22. I was not at all looking for a relationship with those girls father. I would think that a younger nanny would be eaiser for you to train how you wanted them to be with your children. An older person is usually set in their ways, and if they have children of their own, I would think they would tend to raise your children how they thought their children should have been raised, not how you want them raised. Also, a younger person would have more energy. If you are that worried about it, but still want someone younger, get someone who is in a longterm relationship, or married. Someone who you would trust is the biggest thing!

 

Funny - my sister has had a series of live-in nannies, and to her it was important to have a young, "cute" woman. She was going to be spending a lot of time with this person, and wanted it to be someone that she liked to hang out with. Perhaps the physical appearance would have been less important to her if the nannies weren't living there so she'd pretty much never see her.

To each her own.

Rachel

 

Hi, I am also in the process of finding a nanny. Finding a good nanny is my 1st option and I probably will feel safe with this daycare next to my subdivision (when the boys turn maybe around 6 mths.) I actually went in to get a feel of this daycare & I think that I would feel comfortable letting them care for the boys around 6-8 mths. They had security everything; security doors, survellience of the rooms, very clean enviroment, 1-2 staff in every room.(long story short- I felt comfortable that this daycare was soooo by the book as far as care) My point is that whatever your heart feel safe and confident & sure about...follow your heart and go along with that. My heart, however...as far as the nanny is concerned...is that because we are prepared to allow our nanny to stay over and welcome her into our home...trust is major-trust that she will care for my children as if they were her own, that she is will not cause any problems in my home or marriage. I am actually searching for a person with strong belief in the same morals that I have.If I were to be someone's nanny...living in their home...I know my boundaries and how to carry myself even if the woman was not home and I was left along with the man of the house alone.I have actually experienced living in a home with a male and his fiance- This guy made sexual propersitions as well as advances, constantly. One time he actually came in my room when his fiance was asleep to make his advances.And truthfully...If it was not for my strong moral beliefs, and because I knew that a person reap what they sew- because I was down on my luck and strapped for cash...I could have easily been selfish and given into his propersitions which consisted of;free rent in their 300,000 very nice home, $500.00 a mth., and I get to keep and pocket all the money that I made from my 2 jobs, also He would cover me in his healthplan for dental and other care. Mind you...he was attractive, and I was single plus strapped for cash. I eventually moved out after one day he took it to the limit and tried to force himself on me when his fiance was not at home. I was in a new state and did not know no one. I left his home and stayed in a shelter.(God's honest truth)What goes around comes around and I knew that one day I wanted to be married and I would never want someone to do such a thing to me. To me that is the lowest form of infidelity...for your husband/boyfriend to sleep with someone in your home.And plus that would make me a second fiddle- I believed that I was better than that and did not have to be sloppy seconds.Unfortunately everyone don't think or feel that way. I know some women who would have taken that offer. Yes it is true that if he is going to cheat, that he will cheat, but NOT IN MY HOME I think that would totally destroy my marriage and there would be no room for reconsiliation. That really shows me that he has no respect for our marriage,children or home.There were only 2 potential nannies that were my age one being younger that me she was maybe 25 yrs. but I would have been comfortable with them regardless of their age because I have spent time with them and knew them for at least a yr. I was able to monitor their lifestyle and character when they thought no one was watching-and they both have the morals that I seek...I could trust them in my home, with my kids, and alone with my husband. One took up a course in CNA while also attending school for a BSN in Nursing- the other works as a nanny and she loves the children that she keep, she never talks on the phone while at work...she always tell me that she will call me when she is not at work. Other than that...what I am looking for is "Nanny McPhee" a grandmother type. There is a saying..."out of sight-out of mind" If I bring a young (18-35) slightly attractive, insecure young lady in my home....in my husbands sight...easy access...I don't know if I can trust her around my husband.Sorry so long but I have strong opions about this subject and was able to vent and reitterate what I am looking for back to myself.So it is up to you....what matters the most to you....how can you do some damage control from the start....Alot of people say that they trust their husband....but they are mere men by nature....they can fall weak...especially with a woman whose expertise is seduction and deception with steady territory posted in your home. Good Luck!

 

Let me put my 2c in this.
Base on my own experience with DS I want to fine the nanny between 35-55 for twins,
another thing if you are talking about nanny or apear? I would consider 25 yo for my kids if they are older then 1yo. because the young girl will be more active with them then even me. she will have energy to run, play and do other active game with kids. and KIDS woudl love her and I am sure it woudl be like sister love not like mothers.
With newborn she will afradi to make a decision when she need to make one. but for newborn I would prefer women who is more older and calm.
another thing I had a lot of nannies who was older then 60 and I don't like them because most of the time my son was playing along or watching TV ( even if I said NO TV is not allowed for him) the older one is usually think that they knows better what is good for kids and ignoring your words completly as soon as you leave to work. ( in this case young nanny will be much better)

 

I worked as a part-time nanny while I was in college. I was with the same family for 3 years before they moved out of state. When I started their youngest was about 4 months old. I was there in the afternoon and early evening 5 days a week. I never felt as though I was unable to make decisions because of my age. I had a lot of experience with young children and babies before becoming a nanny and was in school for early childhood education at the time. I got along really well with both parents and never had any major issues with either. I traveled with them and if something was going to happen with the father there were opportunities yes, but there was never a desire on my part or his. Looking back now as a wife and mother I have a greater understanding of the trust that they put in me not only with their children, but within their home and their relationship.
I would not hesitate now to hire a young nanny. I trust my husband and I know that having the best caregiver for your children is just that, the best person for them. If that person happens to be old, young, black, white or purple I don't really care as long as they will love and care for my kids.

 

I would be less concerned about age and experience and my gut feeling on how I thought they would do (especially with 2 newborns). For me, I didn't want someone living in so a live out would be my only option. We are going the daycare route just because it fits our lifestyle/schedule better.

 

I have a 24 year old nanny (she was 23 when she started with us over a year ago) and she's fantastic with my girls. I have no problems with her being unable to make difficult decisions, nor is she in any way replacing me as the girls' mother. She had four years of nanny experience when we hired her and is smart, capable, intelligent, and energetic.

She's also very good looking, but I have never worried about my husband having an affair with her. Like a PP said, if your husband is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. He doesn't need a young hot nanny nearby to tempt him. He'll find a way. But if you trust your husband and have a strong marriage, then don't worry about how cute your potential nanny is.

Ultimately for me, choosing a nanny was all about finding someone that I believed would be a wonderful caregiver, and a committed and caring force in my daughters' lives.

 

I don't have a nanny, my kids are in daycare. But for me, I wouldn't even think about the cheating part of it. I trust my husband implicitly. I actually think 26 would be a good age ... old enough to not be flighty, young enough to keep up with the kids.

I don't think you are at all naive. Everyone has a different comfort level. I know my DH wouldn't cheat. So I wouldn't worry about that.

 

I agree with PP to go with your gut instinct. As far as nannies go, it comes down to who you feel most comfortable with regardless of age. I was 20 when i had our 1st and definitely agree with those that say us young ones definitely have a lil more energy to chase after kids. I also agree that from the nannies i have known, the older ones tend to be more set in their own way of doing things and if you are specific about how you want your children raised, they are less flexible. As far as your DH and a young nanny goes, if that is even a fear, then there is some other issue that is already there before the nanny was even brought into the picture. I will never forget last year when my DH and i would pick up justin together, everyone thought i was the nanny and would give my DH nasty glares thinkin he was getting fresh with the nanny, hehe.

 

I had a nanny who was 25, which I thought was a good age, I had 18 year old vying for the position with my 1.5 year old. I thought TOO young. Just in general, not mature enough for a baby.
Anyways, you are right, if you husband is going to cheat, he is going too with someone, not just because you have a young nanny at home! You can't live life worrying about that. Thats how I feel anyways.
Also, some comments on them being too tired for an affair, that was too funny! haha.
I agree young nannies have energy to run around, and play, and just be more active. My sister has an older nanny, who is wonderful as well, but she cant get down on the floor and play with them, or run around with them.
Go with your gut...thats what I did, and it hasnt let me down. If you get a bad feeling for them, find someone new, I did. There are tons of girls out there looking, find the one that you just say "This is it!" It took me months to find the one!
Oh and my son always prefers me over the nanny. Remember its Quality NOT quantity. We working moms do our best, so as long as you spend good quality time with them, they will always remember who MOM is! When they are sick, they want mom. Having them love the nanny is great, but a child should know who mom is when its important. Wanting to play with the fun nanny is one thing...its a friend, or a sister. But my son would NEVER confuse her with me (mom).
Good luck searching. There are a lot of good websites out there. I used www.care.com You can search without paying, but to contact someone, you have to pay for a month!

 

I dont' find maturity based on age. It really is the person. I do think someone younger is more energetic and less set in their own ways. If a guy is going to cheat he will find it anywhere so that should be an issue. While it may be hard to know your kids will have an attachment to this person, it is even harder to have a nanny that they don't like. The better option is for them to have a good connection with someone. They always have more love to give even you and your dh.

it is never an easy thing to find someone to watch your kids. All the best

Heather

 

We chose our nanny based on her qualifications, not her age or what she looked like. She happened to be 40 and took great care of my twinfants. My next nanny was 30. She was with the girls from 11 months to 17 months. She was great with them too. They both had their strong points and weak points. The most important thing was the girls were happy, safe and well cared for.

My husband could barely stay awake the first year - no way he'd stray anyway.

You will ALWAYS be MOM - nothing can come between you and your kids, certainly not a nanny.

It was great having a nanny for the first 18 months. My kids were sick a lot. They are also very happily in daycare now.

 

Our live in au pair is 22 and gorgeous and really really sweet and great with the girls. I don't feel replaced, I LOVE that my girls have had many adults to love, they've had so much love, and I've never felt as if I'm competing with their attention. As to my husband HAHAHAHA...I'd like to see him TRY!

 

QUOTE(scorpion509 @ Feb 23 2009, 06:10 AM) [snapback]1201250[/snapback]
Let me put my 2c in this.
Base on my own experience with DS I want to fine the nanny between 35-55 for twins,
another thing if you are talking about nanny or apear? I would consider 25 yo for my kids if they are older then 1yo. because the young girl will be more active with them then even me. she will have energy to run, play and do other active game with kids. and KIDS woudl love her and I am sure it woudl be like sister love not like mothers.
With newborn she will afradi to make a decision when she need to make one. but for newborn I would prefer women who is more older and calm.
another thing I had a lot of nannies who was older then 60 and I don't like them because most of the time my son was playing along or watching TV ( even if I said NO TV is not allowed for him) the older one is usually think that they knows better what is good for kids and ignoring your words completly as soon as you leave to work. ( in this case young nanny will be much better)

I was 25 when I had my girls and I was not afraid to make decisions and I am pretty sure that I was incredibly calm when they were newborns (28 week preemies at that). Also, the love my girls have for me is not in the least bit "sisterly love".

To the OP, I think you should interview your candidates objectively, and age and looks shouldn't have anything to do with the decision. It should be whoever is best qualified to take care of your babies, and most importantly who YOU feel comfortable with. Good Luck with your decision.

 

With two babies your husband won't have time to juggle an affair! I think your friend watches a bit too much tv!!! As for the being attached to the nanny and calling her mommy, if that does happen it won't be intentional. I work at a daycare, so I guess it's pretty much the same kindda deal, the kids are with me for 8-9 hours a day and I have been called mommy quite a few times. It's really cute how the kids do it too, they will call me mommy on accident and then go....oops, i mean Ms. Krista. And some moms have even told me that their kid has called them Ms. Krista by accident too.

 

This is interesting as I can totally see both sides. I trust my husband completely but men are built differently than us and if there is a young vivacious woman in the house and I was trying to recover some stability as a woman after birth I suppose I could see myself possibly "going there" in the paranoid arena if the circumstances were right and I felt threatened. That is hard for me to imagine but your friend is right - it happens in households where you would never think it would. That being said, I thought by young you would mean 18. 26 is responsible in my book. Also, people who take care of themselves and have attractive, albeit "glowing" personalities are often the people I want handling important responsbilities. They usually seem to come with a respect and accountability that mirrors their appearance and attitude. I would go with those people if I sensed the confidence and communication skills. Many times the person's appearance reflects who they are inside also. Of course that is not always true, but I think many times it is, and if they care that much about an employers perception (in this case a mom's) and have pride in their work, I know they will be the best for the job. On the other hand, if I hired a much older woman I would be careful that she understood that I was the boss - I would not like to be bossed in my own house by a veteran nanny/grandma/whatever in front of my family - I have my own mother and grandmother for that!

 

For our part-time nanny I actually ended up choosing the youngest applicant (19) purely based on how she interacted with my girls. To have someone in MY home with MY kids was a HUGE deal & most important I wanted someone the girls were comfortable with and we were comfortable having in our home over any age or experience. I listened to my gut & we are all happy with how things are going.
We literally see the nanny for 10 minutes before we leave & for 10 minutes after we get home, I don't think my DH would have time to realllly interact w/ her on his own