When our two little cookies were born DH was a personal trainer and we planned to send them to daycare four days a week. I then got a new job that returned us to Michigan (our home state) and closer to his mother. It then kind of worked out that he would stay home with the kids and my MIL would watch them once or twice a week so he could train. Well that didn't pan out when we got here and two years later it still hasn't. I can't blame my MIL, she has a life to live as well and has trips and such she would like to take so it would be rude of us to expect her to give up her travels and recreation to take care of our kids twice a week...I digress. Anyway, last night DH had a breakdown. Tears, yelling, and even said the dreaded, "it's not you it's me." OMG!!! He went on to say he is happy with me, the kids and our house but he is not happy with himself. He also said "what am I going to do if this doesn't workout? I'll just be a dad that can't pay child support." WHAT!?!? He is my life and my love. I could never describe here how much I love this man and I just don't know how to help him. He is a competitive perfectionist so if the circumstance aren't right he wants nothing to do with it. Case in point my MIL watching the kids. Because she can't do it consistently he doesn't want to even worry about it. He doesn't sleep hardly at all maybe 2-3 hours a night if he's lucky. So you can imagine the fatigue when dealing with two year old twins all day. To top it all off he has hurt his hamstring so bad he can't play flag football, the one thing he does for himself each week. Admittedly I haven't been as helpful as I could be. I passively guilt trip him when he wants to leave as soon as I get home. And since he has decided without my consult to stop using deorderant (because of the chemicals) he has been very smelly and I tell him everyday he stinks. Again...I digress. I am concerned that this could go into a downward spiral that can't be recovered. Something that just builds until their is no undo. I tried to give suggestions about how to help him but he just shot all of them down because he was having a pity party. He has been having a lot them lately. I think another contributing factor could be the lack of intimacy we have right now. At this point, for me, it's similar to working out. If it can be avoided it is, but the actual act is great and when it's over I feel better about myself. Being preggars has not helped either. When I go to bed I just want to sleep. I know I need to help him out with that a bit more but I don't initate and he doesn't initate because he thinks he's bothering me. Thus nothing gets accomplished. I don't think he intends to leave me any time soon but now I am nervous about the birth of our third. He says he's overwhelemed now. I had delusions of a fourth early on in the pregnancy but now I am thinking it would just be too much for him. He said he's been so tired that he hasn't even taken the kids outside to play for the last two weeks. Which is a shame because the weather has been beautiful. I keep comparing him to a SAHM who is expected to cook (he doesn't), clean (it feels like a 5% overall contribution), and take care of the kids (when he is on, he's great). I work full time and I get home, cook dinner, feed the kids, bathe them, and put them to bed. On the weekends I clean the house and do laundry. At this point I feel taxed and have nothing more to give. This morning I realized I do. I can help in the mornings integrating my morning routine with getting the kids up. I am sure I can find other things. Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. He'd be so upset if I discussed any of this with anyone we know. THANK YOU, Lindia
As a SAHM, I can sympathize with your DH. I have been there (very recently). It is starting to get better for me. I needed an outlet. I have finally found it with a SAHM group and becoming really involved with the children's ministry at our church. I don't think that a SAHP group is neccessrily the answer for your DH, but he probably needs an outlet. Something else that he does besides taking care of the kids. He probably needs something to make him feel important...something to give him worth. Not that parenting is not satisfying or rewarding, but being a SAHP sometimes you just feel stuck. At times you need more. I can only imagine how a man feels. Like I said, I have been there. I think women tend to deal with it better overall. Kudos to your DH for doing it this long. AND..not that he shouldn't and NOT that you shouldn't work...BUT most men wouldn't and/or couldn't handle it. When I was in my dark hole, I would often tell my DH that it was his turn to be the SAHP. I had done it for 2 years, he can do it for the next 2 years. He would just laugh it off and not even entertain the idea. I don't know, but could you guys put them in daycare part time or hire a babysitter a few days a week? That would allow your husband to do more training. His paycheck would probably go to nothing but childcare, but at least he would have that outlet. Good Luck...it's rough and there is no perfect answer. You can't fix it for him...so when he says "it's not you, it's me", I think that is the honest truth. In fact, I have said those same exact words to my DH. Just be there to support him...if he wants to go back to work...I would try and figure out a way to allow him to do that. Hope it all works itself out soon!! :hug:
Hugs to both of you. I've been in your DH's shoes and hated it. I stayed home with my wonderful twin girls for 10 months and watched my sense of self slowly disappear. I enjoyed caring for my girls and knew it was a very important job, but everything else in my life suffered. I finally had to tell my DH that I wasn't interested in being a stay at home mom and we figured out a way to meet my needs, his needs, and our children's needs. It sounds like your DH has reached that same point. He's not getting what he needs just being a stay at home dad. And he realizes that you're not happy with the job he's doing (your comments about deoderant, the fact that you notice he doesn't cook, the passive guilt trips, etc.). Even if you don't tell him how dissatisfied you are with his "performance" as a stay at home dad, your behavior expresses it. Please note: I'm not trying to tell you that you're doing something wrong... just explaining what might be his perspective. So, it sounds like you know there's a problem and you want to address it, which is the most important part. You realize you're passively guilt tripping your DH and that you're avoiding sex... and now you have to decide whether you'll change your behavior if you think it's negatively impacting your DH. And you have to decide -- with your DH's input -- whether there's a different role he can play. Is there a way to put your kids in day care for part of the week so he can start up his personal training business again? Is there something else he'd like to do to meet his professional needs? Good luck... you're asking the right questions, it's obvious you want to make this work... and that's the first step. Tell your DH. Let him know you realize that he's in a spot he never wanted to be. Tell him you want to help him figure out how to make it work for both of you. And let us know how it goes! Tricia PS. About the deoderant thing... there are plenty of deoderants that don't use chemicals. Send your DH to your local Whole Foods or natural grocery store, there are tons of options!
He said the same thing last night. I didn't think I showed disapproval with the job he was doing but guess I have. It feels like I am giving 100% and he's only giving 50% but in truth I think we're both giving 50% which means only 50% is getting done in all aspects of our life together. I know I have to change for my kids and DH but sometimes I just feel like a kid that had no idea it was going to be this difficult to manage my family life. It seems like all of the people around us old and young are breaking up. We have both said we don't want to be like them and feel our love is strong enough to last. I know I can't fix it for him but I just wish he knew what he needed to help himself. Lindia
I agree with the girls. I would also suggest that you and your husband get some professional help.I have found that communication is the key to a functional family and I had to get my husband to go to counselling to realize this. If he is depressed there are things out there that will help, I am not saying go straight to perscription meds. My husband has had good sucess with counselling and vitamins. I have had some of those same feelings being at home with my boys for the last 9 months. I don't even get out of my house sometimes for a week or two because I live out of town. I have been getting a lot more help and doing things for my self which has really improved my whole attitude. I think that sending the girls to day care two or more times a week would be really good for your husband. sometimes even just one day to my self is very refreshing. I to am guilty of handing the kids over to my husband the minute he gets home from work because somedays I just feel closterfobick. I also suggest making an evening for the two of you regularily. We have started to do this and it is nice to get out and have a conversation without it being interrupted 10 million times by different things. Don't get me wrong I love my children but you still need time for your self. Best of luck
Lindia, Hang in there. Your DH will figure out what he wants eventually, and until he does the best you can do is support him and try to be positive about what's he able to do. I agree with Busymom that professional help might be a good idea. Perhaps someone outside of the situation for your DH to talk to about where he is in his life and where he wants to go. He may feel like he can't talk to you about his frustrations because he sees that you're frustrated too. I know for my husband and I, this was the case for several months and it really impacted our relationship. We're not fully back to where we were before, but we've been trying hard to see things from each other's perspectives and to give each other the benefit of doubt. So before I roll my eyes that my husband hasn't managed to even get the girls dressed on a Saturday morning, I have to remember that maybe they were having so much fun that getting dressed wasn't a priority. And when he feels like sighing and walking away because the house is a wreck when he gets home, he has to think about all the things I did do - like get dinner ready, organize the playroom, etc. Having twins is not easy. I think you're like me in that neither of us realized how tough it would be on the non-twin areas of our lives - like marriage, friendships, etc. Oh - I just noticed that your two were born on the same day as mine! Tricia
Hi: First, hugs to you. Twins are hard, parenting is hard, being a SAHP is hard, and having a stay at home husband is hard. My DH is a part-time SAHD and I'm the primary wage-earner for our family, so I have a perspective here to share with you. I definitely think the SAHD thing puts an extra strain on things, so we try to pay EXTRA attention on our relationship and marriage. Here's my thoughts/tips in no random order: (1) Schedule a reliable babysitter or get the kids in a Parent's morning out program for a few days or mornings a week. Your DH needs a break -- as do all SAHPs. It may be a hit on the family budget, but figure out SOME way of giving him a regular, predictable break during the week. (2) Schedule a reliable babysitter for one or two nights a month so you can have date nights with your husband. It's important for the two of you to have time together as a couple. It doesn't need to be a fancy date -- just time doing something together. (3) We found that we needed a regular roster of 4-5 babysitters and we try to rotate among them. We have our "preferred" one, but its really nice to have several that know your kids and your routine. (4) Regular exercise is important for health and wellbeing. It combats fatigue and mood swings. Figure out a way for DH (and for yourself) to get regular exercise. Maybe, if your DH can get back to regular training, he will feel better. (5) I'm big on routines, so that everybody knows what they are supposed to be doing. For household chores, we made a BIG master list and divvied things up. My DH had never "managed" a household and didn't really know how. I do weekly menu planning, but he does weekly shopping and some basic cooking. I sort clothes, but he does the laundry. He pays the bills, but I'm in charge of taxes and savings. You get the drift. It's not easy, but you will need to have a frank talk with each other about what your expectations are for the household. We found that having a cleaning person every 2-3 weeks really saved us from a ton of arguments about household cleaning. I know many SAHMs handle the cleaning aspects of the household, but my DH really just struggled with those chores and I ended up being so frustrated, so we came up with a compromise that works for us. (I have a friend whose DH is a SAHD and they argued about cleaning chores all the time until she finally relented and got some cleaning help!) (6) You need to figure out a way to get some "time" to yourself, too. My DH and I try to trade off on weekends, so that we each get a bit of "me" time, but I remember it being really hard to do from about 18 month to 3 years old. (7) At my twin's club meeting, we had a guest speaker talk about relationships and keeping them strong. She was a big advocate for "scheduled" sex (say one weeknight night and one weekend night each week, say Wed. and Sat nights) -- not that you couldn't add to that (!!), but just so that both spouses would have similar expectations about intimacy and wouldn't feel like they were always asking for sex or always being rejected. (8) My DH was fortunate, in that there is another SAHD dad in my local mom's group and they could hang out when the group got together. Plus, there was another SAHD dad in the kids morning out program. So, he had some other dads to talk to from time to time and they would occasionally get together with the kids at a playground or something. (9) My sister in law lives in town (close to us), but isn't really that reliable for babysitter (she doesn't have kids or good kid instincts). We've trained her up so that she will occassionally babysit for us, but it was just a heck of a lot easier to hire a regular babysitter than to try to work things out with her. Sounds like that's the case with your relatives, too. (10) Finally, let go of your expectations about how things "should" be. Figure out what works for your DH, for you and for your family so that everyone's basic needs (including needs for time to yourselves) are met. If it means you eat spaghetti once a week and frozen pizza one a week (and we do), so be it. If it means that cleaning gets done less, so be it. Focus on what's really important, which includes doing something meaningful to you on a regular (at least weekly) basis. I hope this helps..... Meg -- mom to 3.5 year old boy/girl twins
Very insightful Tricia. Things were so hectic those first two years neither of us had time to look at our relationship and it's health. The kids get more independent everyday which lessens the choas and thus give DH more time to think about his current situation and how much he doesn't like it as much as he wishes he could. Since my cookies were born I haven't batted an eyelash at the work that comes with raising them becuase I have always have wanted to be a mom and feel so grateful to have these two precious gifts in my life. With that I have neglected the work of a marriage. In some ways I think its more difficult to have a have successful marriage than to raise a well adjusted human being. DH and I have our own baggage we have brought to the relationship which then influences how we perceive each others intentions. We have had the benefit of the doubt discussion before and it seemed we had it sorted out. I guess not. I am realizing that once you agree to change it is work not to revert to the old way of doing things or thinking. Trying, Lindia
Keep trying! It sounds like you are both really putting forth great effort - I hope brighter days arrive soon for all of you! Being a SAHP is really, really hard. It is without question the hardest "job" I have ever had in my entire life. It took my DP a loooong time (and several mental breakdowns of varying degrees) to understand that and to understand how draining it can be, not just because of the intensity of parenting twins, but also the social isolation, etc. I imagine I would have felt the same way if I was working all day (out of the home) and then coming home to do a ton of home-related work, too, so I totally don't blame you. I totally hated myself for struggling with being a SAHM, too, since it was always my dream and I never really thought I'd have the opportunity. It is important for him, especially as a man who is in the minority of the SAHP world, to find a balance that helps him feel fulfilled in life. I imagine it WILL get better as they get older, but right now you need to find something that works for all of you now, rather than wishing life away (not saying you or he are doing that... but that's just no fun). I think all of the pp's had great suggestions... I hope some of them help you! Hang in there - best wishes for your whole family!!
My husband has stayed at home with our girls a lot. He worked second and stayed with them during the day and then when he lost his job he has kept them so we didn't have to pay for daycare. There are times when he says, "Guys just weren't meant to do this stuff." He loves our girls and is great with them, but I think there are times he just didn't feel in his element. He hates being stuck in the house and is constantly trying to find outdoor projects just to keep from going crazy. I know some men are fine with the SAHD thing, but my husband is not one of them. IMO, I think he feels his masculinity is a bit infringed upon. I think you have been given some great suggestions so far. :hug: to you because I do understand how hard it can be sometimes on both of you.
Thank you to everyone that replied to my post. Your suggestions were helpful. He has been doing better the last few days since I last posted. I think there is still a lot of work for both of us to do. I am very grateful for this board. As mentioned before I relly couldn't tell anyone else. Many thanks! Lindia
