My Poor Poor Husband

So, I'm a little worried for DH. The eternal optimist, his view on when the twins come is something like this:

"I'm not worried. I don't think it'll be that hard. We're both organized, hard working people...we can get them on a schedule and it's going to be tough, but I don't think it's going to be as terrible as you think it is."

I tend to pretty much think that the first three months are going to be nothing short of hell. I figure that if it isn't, I'll just be pleasantly surprised, but I'm trying to prepare myself for those first few months.

Keep in mind that our son was what I call our "sucker baby"...he would wake up in the night, and stop crying the MOMENT I put him on my breast, and then I would lay him back down in his bassinet wide awake and he would drift off to sleep. We NEVER EVER EVER had a long night of soothing a fussy baby...he was fine the minute he was fed. No questions asked. So, while we were tired from being woken up various times, it wasn't that bad. I'm just worried that the girls may not be as easy to deal with and DH is going to be in for the ride of his life...

So, which of us is the crazy one? Am I totally making it worse than it will be or is DH delusional?

 

:lol: You have to love the man's perspective on this. For me, personally I'm like you. I tend to think the worst and then be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. I don't think either of you are wrong at how you are looking at things... but I am hoping your husband is right.

 

My husband and I were both worried about how things were going to go...he was the one that managed to keep his cool during those first few hard months (he was home with me for the first month).
HOpefully your hubby is right & things go as smoothly as they can with newborn twins :good:

 

I like how he used "we" when making plans for the babies.

It won't be easy, but with a positive outlook like that, and a willingness to make it work, will certainly help IMO.

 

The first 3 months are so hard and don't feel defeated if it doesn't go as smoothly as it did with DS. My DH has a son from a previous marriage and he kept saying, "with Tristan we just did blah bah blah..." or, "with Tristan it was so much easier" or, "Tristan didn't do blah blah blah." No joke smart guy, these girls are NOT Tristan! Every kid is different, twins, singletons, triples, whatever, so it's not fair to expect them to act the same.

Plus, when they're both fussy or have colic and get out of control at the same time, there's no handing off. You're both stuck with a crying baby. The flipside: when they're both smiling and giggling and think you're the greatest thing in the world, you both get a baby to play with. :banana: :banana:

 

my DD was similar to your DS--such an easy baby. I was thinking a 2nd pregnancy might bring a fussier child, but when I found out it was twins, I felt like--we are doomed! Perhaps thinking this way will allow us to be 'pleasantly surprised' when it proves to be manageable. Here is hoping anyway!

 

My DH is the exact same way - total denial. I'm 27 weeks now and he thinks we'll have no problem handling these two babies when they arrive. Keep in mind that up until now we have been living a totally selfish life of going out to dinners or parties or movies etc, sleeping as much as we want, doing generally whatever we feel like together for years. And now somehow he thinks we'll incorporate these babies into our lives easily - no big deal. I, on the other hand, am freaking out. So nervous and a bit sad at the thought of the coming end of our life together as we know it. I think it would be better to have his attitude... Or at least a happy medium of the two.

Anyway, I totally know what you're going through!

 

I remember us both being in denial. We never thought about what we would do once they came home. Honestly I think it's better that way. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet. It is rough and hellish but we all get through it.

 

well....I'll put it this way, I hope he is correct (for your sake) but it will most likely be somewhere in between. I don't think the first months were hell. I think once they get mobile it's much more difficult than the infant/newborn stage.

I also agree, why worry about something that may never happen.

 

:hug: This is so similar to my conversations with my own DH! We don't have any kids yet at all, so neither of us really knows what to expect. But perhaps because he is male, I have been the one to be much more exposed to people going through those first few months. I'm also the only one of the two of us who has read all the horror stories on websites and in some of the books. So I tend to think my expectations are more realistic! But in our relationship, he is just the optomistic one who always believes that things will be okay. And you know what? So far he has been right every time! I like it that your DH did acknowledge that it would be hard. Its not like he said "it'll be a breeze, no problems at all." I agree with PP that the truth will probably lie somewhere in between your two expectations. As for me, I'm trying to get the horror stories and the belief that it will be a nightmare out of my head, which is difficult- I'm a natural pessimist/realist/control freak - and be more like my DH. I've learned from my DH that the outcome will be the same no matter what...and worrying/being upset just takes more energy! I'm sure I'll have my breakdowns (already have had a few)...but I know that in the end, for all of us here: WE CAN DO THIS! We were meant to be the mommas of these babies and we'll be okay Good luck!

 

I love the positive attitude and I certainly hope it turns out that way for both of your sakes. My husband was also on the optimistic side until he was alone with our 3 week old twins and toddler last Saturday for the first time! I told him last week, "just wait until you have all three by yourself!" On Saturday I went to Costco for only two hours and when I came home, the look on his face was priceless! The first thing out of his mouth was, "Mommy is home, thank God!" I just had to chuckle and he says, you don't know what happened. I said, oh believe me, I know! He says, "She woke up screaming to be fed, then he woke up screaming. Then he had a diaper blow out and as I was changing him he started peeing all over himself, me and the wall, and then she decided she was still hungry and started screaming again and Alex was on the toilet calling for me..." blah blah blah. I said, "honey, I know, welcome to my world when you are gone at work during the day!"

Basically, I think it is really hard to imagine what it will be like until it happens. But then you look at their little angel faces when they aren't screaming and realize how blessed you are and you know that somehow you will get through it. ardon:

 

QUOTE(TandC @ May 4 2009, 09:54 AM) [snapback]1299613[/snapback]
I remember us both being in denial. We never thought about what we would do once they came home. Honestly I think it's better that way. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet. It is rough and hellish but we all get through it.


That was me, denial all the way! Which turned out to be fin 'cause most of the things I did plan on never worked. I never knew babies could hate cribs so much.

 

QUOTE(faerieprncs @ May 3 2009, 11:03 PM) [snapback]1298970[/snapback]
Keep in mind that our son was what I call our "sucker baby"...he would wake up in the night, and stop crying the MOMENT I put him on my breast, and then I would lay him back down in his bassinet wide awake and he would drift off to sleep. We NEVER EVER EVER had a long night of soothing a fussy baby...he was fine the minute he was fed. No questions asked. So, while we were tired from being woken up various times, it wasn't that bad. I'm just worried that the girls may not be as easy to deal with and DH is going to be in for the ride of his life...


My son was the exact same way and he is still a very good toddler, so everyone keeps saying we're in for it!...I'm definatly scared!

 

This was exactly us too:

QUOTE
We don't have any kids yet at all, so neither of us really knows what to expect. But perhaps because he is male, I have been the one to be much more exposed to people going through those first few months. I'm also the only one of the two of us who has read all the horror stories on websites and in some of the books. So I tend to think my expectations are more realistic! But in our relationship, he is just the optomistic one who always believes that things will be okay. And you know what? So far he has been right every time! I like it that your DH did acknowledge that it would be hard. Its not like he said "it'll be a breeze, no problems at all." I agree with PP that the truth will probably lie somewhere in between your two expectations.


My DH was a lot like yours, and I think he would say that his expectations were pretty much right. I, on the other hand, expected it to be hell, and for me it was. It wasn't that I actually had it rougher than DH (except for physically, which is significant), but he just had a much more positive attitude about it. I think it helped that he has a PhD -- he knows the feeling of working your tail off for a few months (or years) and feeling like there's no end to it! Whereas for me, having twins was the first really hard thing I had ever done. He was able to just buckle down and say "This kind of s*cks, and we're really tired, but it won't last forever." I was just in despair, which was not useful at all, but I couldn't really help it.

I would worry a lot more if your DH didn't seem to think it would be hard at all. That is denial.

 

i actually am going to have to agree with your DH, as long a syou work hard and stay focused, you will make it! It wont' be rainbow or butterflies but I wouldnt' call it hell either!

Yeah, there were awful days, but there were good ones too!

 

You know, I think you're both already a little ahead of the game because he said "we" and you recognize that with teamwork it will go much smoother.

I also agree with a pp that said it will probably be somewhere in the middle.

 

DW and I are pretty much the same. What she doesn't entirely factor into the equation yet is that I'm a "hope for the best, plan for the worst" kind of guy. I may not mention the worse, but chances are I've already thought about it... and a couple more things that she hasn't even thought about yet.

Funny thing is: when I do bring up possible negative outcomes, it generally isn't well received. I've learned simply to leave those things alone unless it's a real and present issue. It feeds into her pessimist outlook, and tends to make her feel unsupported. Unfortunately, there are more than enough people to feed the negative side (unintentionally, I'm sure.) I view it as my function to be the silver lining on her cloudy view. Perhaps your DH has learned the same lesson.

One thing I'd point out. There is an old saying something like: "If a soldier thinks he's going to die tomorrow, he can usually find a way to make it happen". If you go into this thinking it's going to be hell, you're more likely to find a way to interpret whatever happens that way.

It will be tough, but only for awhile... at least in terms of waking up every couple of hours. We went though a year of treatment to get here, and that honestly was hell at times. I don't see how this could be worse than that, and we'll actually have the babies now, which was by no means guaranteed when going through treatment.

 

I kept telling DH that the first three months would be really tough. Turns out I was right. LOL The sleep deprivation for us was the worst part...but we survived and loving this current stage. The smiles and wiggles make it worth it.

Our babies have been very good babies which has helped make it even easier.