My Mini Comedienne

I know there are lots of parents & child development specialists that say kids need to express their emotions, even anger - but I am not one of those parents that will allow a child to yell, shoot dirty looks or say mean things. My Marissa knows this & her way of getting around my strict requirement that we "all love each other & are kind to one another in this house" mantra is to get a really angry look & say things like "I gonna hit.......(long pause while looking at me) that mean dragon/ball/pillow (whatever she thinks I think would be acceptable to hit). She will pull her arm back or leg back like she is going to hit or kick me & then look really angry & say "Can I hit/kick..... the ball?" She makes funny faces & acts silly trying to get me to laugh because she knows she is skirting the edge but I know she is really wanting to hit me! Sometimes she stands far back from me & starts acting like she is hitting or kicking while she looks mean at me. When that happens I give her a warning "If you don't look at mommy with love & respect you are going to the naughty corner." If she doesn't stop within 10 seconds she earns a trip to the corner for 3 minutes. She clearly knows she is not supposed to act like that & she takes measures to make sure she obeys the letter of the law while flouting the spirit of the law. This has just started in the last few weeks. I am just afraid I should be letting her express her anger instead of try make her squelch her anger. She is a beautiful, loving, well behaved little girl - this is not attractive behavior & it happens at least 3 times a week. What do you think?

 

LOL! Sorry, but these toddlers are cracking me up lately.
She sounds like my Brandon, he's a TOTAL handful though.
I think they're very impulsive at this age and as long as they're not actually taking their aggression out on a person or pet I usually try and be calm about it.
Brandon is SO trying that I have really tried to start "picking my battles and like I said, as long as he's not saying hurtful words/naughty things or hurting anyone/pet I usually choose to let him get over it that same way.
As they leartn to communicate better I think it'll resolve on it's own.
KWIM?

I run a pretty tight ship and am probably too hard on my kids, so I know exactly how you feel.

 

I believe that children need to learn to express anger in a healthy, just as many adults need to learn to express it in a healthy way. I guess for me, the key is teaching them that they cannot use their anger (or moping or whining or whatever) to manipulate me or dh. They can throw temper tantrums, and I usually step over them and go read a book to the other one. Temper tantrums never lasted long in this house because they find out that mommy doesn't respond. Toddlers don't distinguish between negative and positive attention, so your darling little Marissa (what a good name) is still managing to get your attention by acting inappropriately. And she's probably figured out that every time she threatens to hit, she has immeadiate spotlight attention. Perhaps handing her a pillow and saying "if you need to hit something, hit this and come get me when you're done" and walking away and stopping all attention on her might be an alternative.

I think with all kids, it's a fine line between feeding their need for attention (whether positive or negative) and not letting them get away with unacceptable behaviour. I do feel that with toddlers, they have such limited ways of expression that sometimes if they need to lay on the guest bed and scream and yell and kick out whatever, that hurts no one and just gets it out of their system. Somedays as an adult I'd like the opportunity to go scream and yell and kick just to get it out of my system.

I do try and run a tight ship also with my two, so I totally understand curbing behaviours that other people might not see as such a big deal.

Marissa

 

I do think you're doing a great job teaching your kids about love and respect, not only for one another but for adults! There are way too many kids who don't get that and it becomes very apparent as they get older. Some of the kids DS1 goes to school with make my jaw drop!

We do let DS1 express his anger. He knows that hitting, kicking, throwing things is NOT allowed and neither is talking back to me or DH. But, I do give him some time to cool down by letting him have his own space until he feels better. I'm so grateful my parents let me have that privacy and DH and I both agree that it's important to give it to him as well.

I think as long as she isn't hurting anyone and still obeying your rules, it's okay to let her get it out. I might designate a certain area away from the rest of the family where she IS allowed to be mad. Maybe a special pillow she can use to vent her frustrations, or a ball she can squeeze if that makes sense?