My MIL made me cry!

So.. .ok I post alot of my MIL and all the issues I have had with her since the boys have been born... and how we have had very frequent explosions...

My MIL only lives 1 1/2 away from me and came up Saturday with her boyfriend to "help" for the weekend. To be honest she wanted to come up earlier in the week but we declined because we pay for a nanny and like to keep a normal schedule as much as possible for the boys. So they came up yesterday and everything was going great. I was told I was to over protective and didn't let her do anything last visit so I felt like i've been bending over backwards to be less protective of them. Granted last visit she said she could keep them by herself and we told it was hard (they were 2 1/2 months at the time) and she was telling us how she was 'super' mom and we left them and came back to screaming, throw up and very angry babies...super mom my a8s). We even left for 2 hours to give her time with her and her boyfriend to hang with the boys (only to come home to find one in the bouncy crying and her boyfriend asleep on the couch and she was in the basement/den with the other saying it was too "noisy" upstairs iwth the other.

So this morning we wake up and I bring down the first one that awoke and gave him to her... she said she wanted to go to the basement/den with him and I said "no" and said I wante to spend time with her too (I work from home and the only interaction I get from adults on a daily basis is my nanny and DH). Other then that she basically had free reign with the boys. When it time for their nap her and boyfriend are bouncy them like crazy on their laps and they are getting fussy. I told them they were tired and they keep telling me they were hungry and kept trying to give them their bottles which was making them more angry. They both were on the verge of meltdown and I told DH that the only thing at this point to make them happy was a drive (a quite drive - meaning no talking). DH said "can't we take them later?" and I didn't say but thought "sure lets ask the 4 months olds "hey hold off on your nap, daddy wants to wait". Well DH and I had a blow out right there in front of MIL and boyfriend.

Boyfriend said they were going to go to Trader Joes (store) and then back home. DH and I are like 'no' you don't have to leave but I HAVE TO GET THESE BOYS TO NAP!!! MIL starts crying and feeling left out ... and I felt not the center of attention. So not listening to anyone I packed up the boys and left. An hour and 1/2 later I come back with refreshed boys (who crashed the MINUTE they got into the car).

DH said I should talk to MIL cause HER FEELING WERE HURT! So when they got back from the store I said:

ME: " I am sorry if there was any miscommunication on my part but when the boys start melting I have a small window to get them down, when I saw the window was closing I needed to move fast. I am sorry if I slighted you in anyway it was not my purpose I just needed the boys to nap."

MIL: "well I wanted to take them downstairs and you said "NO"

ME: " I understand and agin i'm sorry if I hurt your feeling but I wanted to visit you too I don't get much adult interaction and I really wanted to see you guys too... you are my family too"

MIL: " well I just came to see the boys not you"

ME: "oh..."

MIL: "I wanted to take them downstairs"

ME: very nicely "I'm sorry again, but I rarely get to see you and I wanted to gossip and catch up. MIL I am a new mom and you have to remember what it was like when you were a new mom. I know I can be over proctective and I am learning... I'm trying to let go more but it is hard when you are with them 24/7 and others then come in and take over... I'm trying and I'm sorry"

She then ignores me and I said the same statement again... and she keeps talking to the baby like i'm not even in the room.

I then stand up and say loudly... "well I guess that conversation is over" she then tell the baby... "your mommy needs to get me a diaper cause you pooped and she should have changed you earlier"

I stare at DH and walk upstairs and start bawling my eyes out... where I now have been banished too.... He's going to talk to his mom tonight after she leaves cause he does not want another "discussion"...

So i'm upstairs alone without my babies... I really want to go downstairs and grab them from her and tell her "GET THE H*LL OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY KIDS" but I am TRYING to be the better person.....

thanks everyone!

 

oh honey, I am so sorry. My MIL is a beast too. YOU are the mama, YOU make the calls. And you're doing just fine.

And if you'd like, I'll be happy to come over and manhandle your MIL right out the door. I can have her packed and out the door in 10 minutes flat, if someone would just er, hold my babies.

 

I'm so sorry. Your Dh needs to grow a spine & tell his mother off. She came to see the boys, not you. I would have told her to leave.

 

:hug99: Hang in there. She'll have to leave sometime.

 

So it's sad that DH and I are communicating through email in our own house....

He just emailed me:

"I love you. It is her fault and I am not just saying it.

You are my love, you are so special and I feel terrible for the way she is acting. I am embarrassed and ashamed of her.

I love you, you are the best wife and the best mother, and I admire how hard you try to get along with her and how much courage you have. I knew before that she was difficult but I am now seeing just how bad she is. Thank you so much for trying so hard. I know you try hard for me and I don't appreciate it enough.

I just wanted to say again how much I love you and how important you are to me. You are the best person I know."


OH I LOVE HIM... now if she would just leave!

Thanks everyone for your words of support and LADYBENZ I just might take you up on your offer!!

 

OH!! Another update!!!

I just went downstairs and she came up to me and said:

"are we over it yet and feeling better to join us again?"


GRRRR!! DOUBLE GRRR!!! oh she's leaving at 4 (1/2 an hour.... YIPEE!!!)

 

That's very sweet of him. I hope you can come to a mature agreement on how to deal with her so this doesn't happen again.

 

QUOTE(first time mom at 34 @ Mar 9 2008, 02:26 PM) [snapback]660412[/snapback]
OH!! Another update!!!

I just went downstairs and she came up to me and said:

"are we over it yet and feeling better to join us again?"
GRRRR!! DOUBLE GRRR!!! oh she's leaving at 4 (1/2 an hour.... YIPEE!!!)


just punch her in the face,... you are sure to not have her come over again. what jerk man.

 

You are a better person than I am. I would have had her a#$ out the door at the "noisy" comment. Your husband sounds like a great guy.

 

[SIZE=12pt]Well, it is now 5 and MIL should be well on her way home. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at all. You are a much nicer person than I would have been. I would have just taken the kids and put them down for their nap and let her stew about it as much as she wanted to. Sheesh . . . you have every right to be overprotective of your babies and to keep them on their schedule as much as possible, she should understand that. :hug99: Call me if you want to do lunch!! I know how isolating being home all day with little ones can be and how very much adult contact is appreciated. Call me!! [/SIZE]

 

If she is still there you email your husband that he has 10 minutes to get her out of your house or you are marching down and reclaiming your children. Then do it! She can kiss you a8s if she doesn't like it! That just ticked me off reading your post! I want to help Ladybenz escort her out of your house!

 

And I thought my MIL was bad......yikes. You need to drop the hammer girl!!!! Trust me after some counseling I am finally learning how to put my foot down with her. And, it feels good.
Just remember whose babies they are....Yours!!!! By the way, your husband sounds nice, but unless he stands up for you and by your side, she will never change.

 

OMG - I would have died! You are the Mom and you know what is best. Why, oh why does no one understand that?! I have the same issues with my MIL. Maybe when we were kids no one scheduled their babies and breastfeeding wasn't the "in" thing to do ...

I want to BF, I will BF as long as I want to and I will keep my babies on the schedule that works best for them and for me no matter who I have to take down in the process! If only we could all have the guts to say it =) Or maybe it is just me that is gutless.

Hey, I am impressed that you wanted to hang out with her. I think that she was an insensitive b***h to act like that with you. There is "first time Mom" and then there is "first time Mom to twins." NO ONE understands what it is like unless they have been there.

At least my DH admits that his Mom is annoying! Get him on the same page with you ... that will help. Maybe not "on the same page" as far as MIL goes ... but when it comes to their naps ... he has GOT to help you protect the naps. If your kids are anything like mine, if they get past the "window" they scream their lungs out until they are exhausted no matter what you do!

Good luck!

 

EEEEEEK! OMG, I am so sorry you had to deal with that garbage.

At least your DH's message to you was so sweet. It's good that he's on your side. I hope you can tag team and come up with a way to keep that crazy woman out of your house!!! :wacko:

 

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you are INCREDIBLY considerate and compassionate; your statements to her show maturity and depth; hers show insensitivity and immaturity.

I'm glad your DH was able to articulate that in writing to you; he also needs to get on board and understand WHY it is important to get the boys down to nap...i swear, I think NO ONE who hasnt' dealt with twinfants day after day realizes what it means when they get overtired, and how one missed nap impacts the next, then bedtime, then the next day......

I've had similar issues with my MIL and others; at the end of the day, I try to be nice about it (lthough I really can't stand those snarky 'talking through the babies' comments), but - you know what? I'M the one who takes care of them all day and all night. if you don't like the way i'm doing it, TOO BAD!!!!!

It sounds like you are absolutely capable of saying something like "this is why the schedule is important to the boys; they need their sleep for their development, and this is the routine we have. And although we love that they can spend time with their grandma, we need to keep to the schedule for their sake. And if she pushes you say 'i'm sorry you feel differently", and then DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT FOR YOUR BABIES!!

I cannot tell you the number of people who tell me that the girls 'don't look tired at all, they're having a reat time with everyone" - uh, YEAH, because they're stimulated. And i guarantee when i take them somewhere quiet and give them a bottle they are going to CRASH, because I KNOW WHEN THEY NEED TO SLEEP!

So - have confidence in yourself; it sounds like you are a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife/partner and an incredibly patient person. And if you need more - well, I'll join the posse to help womanhandle her out of there. With all of us we could handle it in about three minutes flat!

 

I thought I was the only person with a horrible MIL! I am still learning to deal with her, but the beginning is the roughest. For me, the best thing that works is to completely ignore comments, as if I didn't hear them at all. That seems to get her the most. I know that's terrible!, but she pis** me off, so I want her to feel the same way sometimes. They are our babies, not theirs. My MIL completely TRIES to take over...invites herself to doctor's appts and asks the dr questions!! OMG I get so mad. She is just always telling me what to do and telling me what is WRONG with the babies...."she has horrible gas, that's why she cries" (no, she cries bc she doesn't like you and the way you hold her!). She wanted them on apnea monitors even though the dr clearly stated they didn't need to be, she wants DD to wear a helmet for flat spots even though dr said it was fine..I could go on and on and on and on.

 

You are nicer than me. I would of lost it and told her where to go. I get very very over protective when it comes to my kids. My DH tells me sometimes I need to cut the cord b/c I do keep my kids in my sight. I think you need to stand up to her even if she is the MIL and tell her they are your kids and you are the one that has to pay for it if they are ill at night b/c they did not get their naps.

 

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!! I don't know what I would do without y'alls support!

Today has just been emotionally draining and I felt like I got hit with a mack truck! Y'alls words of encouragement made me cry and happy that I have you ladies to help support and talk me through this evil day (and today was their four month birthday too )

Not even 20 minutes after MIL and boyfriend left the boys CRASHED for TWO HOURS! (unheard of in our house!) DH and I were so drained... we decided today was cocktail day and decided to make very strong dirty martini's to help us unwind before the boys woke up (on a funny note :crazy: :drinks: , we drank them from plastic solo cups incase we had to rush and get them so we wouldn't knock them over! Nothing but fancy in our house! )

 

:hug99: :hug99: I am so sorry to hear that yo uhad to deal with that...unreal!! You are amazing...I would have had a huge meltdown.

Your DH sent you the sweetest note, at least he is able to acknowledge how his mom is treating you, and is supporting you. He sounds like he is a very sweet man!!!

Hope the rest of you day gets better!! :hug99: :hug99:

 

Oh that is simply awful.

 

QUOTE(Jordari @ Mar 10 2008, 12:14 AM) [snapback]660689[/snapback]
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you are INCREDIBLY considerate and compassionate; your statements to her show maturity and depth; hers show insensitivity and immaturity.


My thoughts exactly! In this type of situation, I know it could be so easy to "blow up" and say a lot of things that you would regret later. It sounds like you're reacting in the best way possible and how she reacts is up to her. Maybe your MIL will "come around" in time/ maybe not, but at least you know YOU'RE doing what's best for your babies and not intentionally causing problems. :hug99: