My kids behavior is terrible...what can I do?

Hi ladies I was hoping you might have some advice. Sorry in advance if this is long. I AM AT MY WITS END! My girls behavior the last few months has been absolutely atrocious and it has to change now. I'm just not sure what to do. There are power struggles in my house all the time and it is driving me nuts.

There are a lot of different things going on. First off - listening. They don't think they have to listen or do as we ask. They will flat out ignore us and continue doing as they please 75% of the time when asked to do something. Sometimes they cooperate but it is like pulling teeth.

Second off - and probably the biggest thing - throwing tantrums. They have NO patience and if they do not get what they want they will throw the mother of all tantrums. It does not matter WHERE we are...home, relatives, doctors office, grocery store...they will literally throw themselves on the ground and flail and scream. They aren't embarrassed whatsoever. It is worse now than when they were 2! It is ridiculous because they are starting school next year and this behavior is simply unacceptable. They are old enough to know better. As an example, last month we went on our first family vacation. Every time we got off the plane to an airport (about 4 times total) they absolutely freaked out and demanded to be carried (that is one of their big things they want, to be carried and they are FAR TOO OLD for that). I had to actually drag my daughter by the arm through the airport. Everyone was looking at us like we were child abusers. It was horrible. It was in that moment that I realized things needed to change.

Some more examples of things that they do: today my daughter could not get her coat zipper undone, and threw a screaming fit til I helped her. I told her she needs to ASK for help if she is having a problem. Then at breakfast she wanted to go outside to look at our jack-o-lanterns. I said after she ate breakfast, we would. She stood at that door, trying to open it (couldn't because it was locked) flailing and screaming when I told her no. Later my other daughter saw me sitting on the couch and said she wanted my blanket. I said NO. She started pulling it off me and I said "if you pull that blanket off you will be in trouble" she did it anyway!

So I will say that my husband and I are not opposed to spanking and have occasionally spanked our kids after about 2 years old because they did not respond to time outs whatsoever. However I feel they are much to old to be getting spankings and my husband and I have re-instituted the time out policy. So this has been going on for the past 2 weeks since we got back from our trip. Everything I mentioned today resulted in a time out. I don't know if it is working at all, I don't really feel like it is. We also have started taking away toys or privileges for bad behavior like tantrums. Today my daughter lost her favorite tablet because she kept ignoring me when in time out. I should mention though that we are not totally negative, in fact we are very affectionate, loving parents that praise our kids a lot when they do well and would rather give positive reinforcement. In fact we probably haven't been as strict as we need to and that is probably partly why they act up.

In addition, we have changed some other things around our house. They used to get junk food, now the only treat they get is after dinner (IF they eat what is asked of them). We are expecting them to do a lot more for themselves. I feel like we may have contributed to this behavior because we have babied them a lot (most of the time without realizing it). Now we are requiring them to do more for themselves...dress themselves most of the time, learn to zip their coats and tie their shoes (working on that now) scrape their own dinner plates and put them in the dishwasher, pick up any and everything they have left out.

Some of these things seem to be helping...for example we have told them "You have 30 minutes to pick up. Anything left over at that time will be put in a bag and taken to other kids." And we mean it. So that has helped them to keep their things picked up or at least do it when we tell them. But the tantrums....UGH. they are the worst and don't seem to be getting any better. I feel like I am yelling constantly and it makes me depressed. I try to be patient and do pretty well considering but after being ignored 10 times I tend to raise my voice and tell them "DO THIS NOW!"

I love my kids to death and know I must use strict (but fair) discipline to get them to behave appropriately. Am I doing the right things here? I know kids can't have their way all the time, they will turn into spoiled brats and I'm afraid that is where my kids are headed! I want to take them places and have people be impressed with how good their manners are, not how whiny and immature they are Also I am due with a 3rd baby in 6 months and I simply cannot be dealing with these tantrums when I have a newborn to care for.

Any thoughts?

 

For tantrums at this age, we pretty much send them directly to their room. They are not allowed to come out of their room until they have calmed down. It is amazing how quickly the tantrums stop when there is no one around to watch the tantrum take place. Misuse of a toy also results in it getting taken away. With good behavior, they are able to earn it back with the understanding that if they do it again (throw/kick/etc), it becomes mine and there is no guarantee they will get it back.

4's can be a challenge, but there are so many great things about 4, once you find what works and get back some "control", I bet things will be much better!

Also, I ask once. If that gets ignored, I ask again and usually toss in an, "I am going to count to 3, if you are not _______, you will have to go sit down/give me the toy/etc.". That seems to work well. If they know you will ask 10 times before yelling or giving a consequence, they will just keep waiting you out.

Is possible some of the acting up is related to the impending arrival of the new baby?

 

For the asking-a-million-times thing I know that I have to make sure I have my girls' attention before I ask them something. In our house, that means turning off the tv if they're watching it, going to them & getting down to their eye level. I'll also often have them repeat back to me what I asked to confirm that they did in fact hear me (it's amazing how often it seems like they're paying attention but in reality haven't heard a word). I'm also willing to negotiate the when of doing something I've asked. For example, if I ask them to tidy up their toys and they ask if they can do it after X, then I agree to that. It seems to make them more amenable (which makes sense - I hate it when my husband demands I do something Right Now when I'm in the middle of something else).

 

All kids go through difficult periods. 4 and a half is hard because they are struggling with wanting to be independent. Read the book Parenting the Strong Willed Child. It is a 10 week program (or something like that) that works really well.

 

Just had to do a quick update. Things are finally starting to change around here, in a good way! Obviously the changes we have made are having an effect. Our girls behavior is improving and this past week has been awesome. We went to the store a few times...no meltdowns! They behaved so well and were such a joy to take with us. They were even helpful. Cleaning up...they are taking more pride in their things and when I ask them to do something, mostly, they do it the first time. Not only that but I have noticed an increase in manners. I hear a lot more "please" and "thank you" (without prodding). Just out of the blue. The biggest thing I have noticed so far...their eating!!!! It used to be such a struggle to get them to eat ANYTHING. This past week, my pickier daughter has eaten everything asked of her. No yelling, no messing aruound, no telling us she won't do it. And she seems so happy afterward and proud and we praise her like crazy. It's little steps so far but my gosh...I am so proud of the changes they are making.

 

I never had to spank my kids until they turned 4.5. LOL. I did it twice and it worked. HA HA. Nothing major but they got the picture! My boys were doing that crap your girls were pulling. Just testing the waters. Seeing if they were the parent or if I was. I let them know it was ME.
It's important to set them straight right away. They appreciate that and it makes my life a lot easier too. If you let them get carried away everyone suffers.
I find that if they go off the rails, it just builds upon itself by the moment and each day is worse than the one before because clearly they are not equipped to be the adult.
Anyway, I'm glad things are looking up! Mine spend A LOT of time in their room for smart mouth and BS but that's how I was raised and I don't take any crap.
XO!