my husband won't help me

We have identical twin boys. They were born at 31 weeks and stayed in the hospital for 3 and 4 weeks. They are now 3 mths old and are 9 and 10 lbs. My husband will not wake up anynight and help me. He says he needs his sleep. All I ask is to do one shift on the weekends so i can get 3 hrs of sleep. He won'tEven do that. I live on 1 to 3 hrs of sleep a night. He was great the week they were both home and he took off work. The week he went back to work he came home wasted at 1 a.m and we fought and he left for 2 night without calling. He was saying he doesn't love the boys. Now he says loves them but he won't kiss them or say love you to them. He never says good night to them or even when he wakes up. do you think he will change I don't know how long I can take. I go back to work in a week. Please help with some advice. We had ivf done and we got our miracles on the second try.

 

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now! I really hope things change.
My husband was, well uninvolved, in the beginning and it was downright wretched! I had insomnia from the third month of my pregnancy on and then of course didn't sleep much after they were born. I hadn't slept for more than three hours in a row for over eight months. I was on the brink of leaving him many times.

Things have changed and my husband is a very devoted father who changes diapers without being asked, helps with feeding EBM and solids and putting them to bed. He takes care of them for six hours when I am gone. He loves playing with them and making them giggle.

One of my friends says that fathers are not born but that they are made. I think things turned for the best after my really putting my foot down and writing on paper what my expectations were and how I could be a single mom because I was basically doing it alone. Once the babies started smiling and interacting it becomes much more enjoyable and I think he could relate to them as little individuals.

Good luck and send me a message anytime you need some long distance support.

 

My husband was great with my first daughter,a little worse with my second daughter and with the twins he never got up at all and still doesn't.I decided it was ok because I don't have to work now and he does.It is a little irritating.What makes me the madest though is he had kinda taken over the older 2.He really doesn't do too much with the twins because he says "they are too litte" Im like give me a break.I can't even go visit anyone without taking one or both of them with me or he is calling me every 5 min to get home because he can't handle the twins by himself.But I do it by myself all the time.

 

:hug: Im sorry hes being "difficult". I think sometimes dads feel overwhelmed too and unlike moms they dont have the maternal instint and hormones to keep trudging on and do what needs to be done.
While my DH was helpful I dont remember him telling the babies he loved them or kissing them until they got older. Have you tried a good solid talk with him? or asked him to go to couples counseling?

Im not sure what your financial situation is or if you have any family nearby but If you're able to perhaps think of enlisting a friend or paying someone a few hours a week to give you a break. You need it! You might also see if theres a local teenager or church or moms group that could give you some support.

 

Hi,
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. It sounds like your husband is being selfish. I think it's wrong that he is refusing to do at least one shift on the weekend so you can rest. You must be so exhausted. I think the pp had good advice about talking to your DH or try counseling.
Can you hire a teenager, friend, neighbor, college student to come in and help you some? I had a mother's helper and I would always try to nap when she was here and the babies were newborns. Do you have family that can help? You need more sleep to stay sane, go to work, and think clearly about your marriage.
My DH didn't interact with the babies much when they were newborns. He would change diapers and help feed them during the night, but he didn't snuggle or talk with them much. When the babies started smiling, laughing and being more responsive, he started to interact with them. Now he plays with them and thinks they are really funny and cute (dd learned to clap today).
Things are so hard at the beginning with twins. It will get better in time, but you are in a tough stage right now.
congrats on your baby boys!

 

As weird as this sounds, fathers get a sort of postpartum depression. If his behavior has changed since their birth, you should explore this possibility. But if he stayed out drinking, disappeared for days, and was selfish before the babies, then I would chaulk it up to him being a jerk.

 

QUOTE(Mellizos @ May 17 2009, 06:25 AM) [snapback]1316771[/snapback]
As weird as this sounds, fathers get a sort of postpartum depression. If his behavior has changed since their birth, you should explore this possibility. But if he stayed out drinking, disappeared for days, and was selfish before the babies, then I would chaulk it up to him being a jerk.


Totally agree. And if its the latter, I would first try a "talk" and if nothing results from that, then I would try some counseling. They are his children too and he needs to take responsibility for them.

Definitely try enlisting the help of some relatives or friends if you can. :hug:

 

QUOTE(Mellizos @ May 17 2009, 11:25 AM) [snapback]1316771[/snapback]
As weird as this sounds, fathers get a sort of postpartum depression. If his behavior has changed since their birth, you should explore this possibility. But if he stayed out drinking, disappeared for days, and was selfish before the babies, then I would chaulk it up to him being a jerk.


Ditto this. x

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ May 17 2009, 07:25 AM) [snapback]1316785[/snapback]
Totally agree. And if its the latter, I would first try a "talk" and if nothing results from that, then I would try some counseling. They are his children too and he needs to take responsibility for them.

Definitely try enlisting the help of some relatives or friends if you can. :hug:


Mu husband never got up with our first child who is now 2. Mind you I breastfed him for the first 7 1/2 months, but when he was bottle fed I thought "Hey Hubby will feed at during the night" Yeah right! And when we had the Twins I thought " Hey Hubby can help with the Feed during the night to make it easier and faster so I could get some sleep" Yeah Right. I guess guilt got the better of him and he say how tired I've been he bought me a cappacinno machine. The last 2 nights he has feed the girls when they woke around 1:30am which was great! But he was watching at Movie and was up... if he were in bed I don't think that he would get up. If he does not get his sleep he is Grumpy.... but I'm home with the twins most of the time, so I think I should not have to get up for the night feeds!

Vent done
Carrie-Anne

 

I'm so sorry for the way he's acting! I would also recommend couples counseling... there are things that we do as wives/mothers that we do to sabatoge... not meaning to (of course)... but couples counseling is eye opening for both parties. Also, I would try to be as positive about anything he does so that he can gain some confidence. don't always correct the way he does diapers, or burps etc. The male ego is a very tender thing! I also agree that when the babies start to interact it will be so much better for your husband to see how wonderful they are!

As for the babies... I swaddled in the beginning and even until they were 6 months old... I wonder if you could try that for a few nights... you have to do it tight so that they cannot break loose... but you might be able to get some extra sleep by getting them to sleep extra. Also, if you don't use white noise, I would get a cd or something with something like rain noise - we play that at every nap & bedtime.

Believe me, life looks better to everyone when you're able to get some sleep... and the babies need uninterupted sleep too. I hope that you can figure some things out from what everyone has suggested. good luck.

 

QUOTE(Mellizos @ May 17 2009, 06:25 AM) [snapback]1316771[/snapback]
As weird as this sounds, fathers get a sort of postpartum depression. If his behavior has changed since their birth, you should explore this possibility. But if he stayed out drinking, disappeared for days, and was selfish before the babies, then I would chaulk it up to him being a jerk.

I totally agree here. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. :hug:

 

Im so sorry you are going through this with your DH. I went through something similar with mine and he didnt taken paternity leave which he´d promised he would. My DH would help but not willingly and the couple of times I got him up to help me, he was not happy. Let me reassure you that things will and do get better as they get older. My DH was shellshocked for quite a time and we had also done IVF to conceive our twins so it wasnt a surprise we were having 2 babies. Men just dont adapt like we do and we are so much stronger too. I would have a heart-to-heart with your DH nad also see if you can get family in to help. My mum came and stayed for 2 weeks then MIL came. I even went and stayed with the ILs for 7 weeks when the twins were 2 months old so I could have some help. It was really hard but it kept my marriage going. GL Hugs

 

:hug: I'm going to be another voice in suggesting to have a heart to heart with him and frame it in way that you would like him to be more involved, how tired you are and how much your babies need him. As others have said, he may need to be evaluated for PPD for himself and could also be feeling overwhelmed. The first few months with twins can be trying on a marriage. Good luck!

 

My husband has not helped out at night either... I have done it all by myself for 14 weeks now. I sleep in a separate bedroom with my girls while my husband sleeps in another bedroom with our 19 month old son. I know he loves the babies and he spends a few hours with them every afternoon/evening so that I can play with the older son/cook dinner etc. He was the same with our son for the first 9 months. He helped out if I asked him and he stayed home around 3 days a week while I was at work. He did it but I know he didn't enjoy it. Around 9 months, it changed and now he is a wonderful father to our son. He spends so much time with him and really likes it. They are best friends. I know it will be different when my girls will get older. I wonder if this is a guy thing? He doesn't like infants and could probably go a few days without seeing the girls and not miss them.

 

QUOTE(maybell @ May 17 2009, 08:18 AM) [snapback]1316808[/snapback]
I'm so sorry for the way he's acting! I would also recommend couples counseling... there are things that we do as wives/mothers that we do to sabatoge... not meaning to (of course)... but couples counseling is eye opening for both parties. Also, I would try to be as positive about anything he does so that he can gain some confidence. don't always correct the way he does diapers, or burps etc. The male ego is a very tender thing! I also agree that when the babies start to interact it will be so much better for your husband to see how wonderful they are!

As for the babies... I swaddled in the beginning and even until they were 6 months old... I wonder if you could try that for a few nights... you have to do it tight so that they cannot break loose... but you might be able to get some extra sleep by getting them to sleep extra. Also, if you don't use white noise, I would get a cd or something with something like rain noise - we play that at every nap & bedtime.

Believe me, life looks better to everyone when you're able to get some sleep... and the babies need uninterupted sleep too. I hope that you can figure some things out from what everyone has suggested. good luck.



Very well said! Twins can be trying on a marriage..or really kids in general.

 

QUOTE(Mellizos @ May 17 2009, 03:25 AM) [snapback]1316771[/snapback]
As weird as this sounds, fathers get a sort of postpartum depression. If his behavior has changed since their birth, you should explore this possibility. But if he stayed out drinking, disappeared for days, and was selfish before the babies, then I would chaulk it up to him being a jerk.


My DH had PPD. He never left me for days without caring for me and not calling. If he did this before the babies were born then that is him being a jerk. But if this is new, he may just have PPD.

My heart goes out to you. But seek help...it gets better. DH is much better. This is just not his stage of life.

Jenn

 

Ditto the pp's, especially DATJmom and maybell. My heart really goes out to you; I don't know how you've done it this long on so little sleep! My DH works full-time and yet we've evenly split the night shift all along, since as we see it, I am working FT too as a SAHM. Having a heart-to-heart is an excellent idea, and it sounds like couples counseling may be in order.