My almost 5 year old..

She BM's in her panties and lies about it. We just went thru her room and found 30 panties stuffed into places. I dont know what to do. I know i need to give her more attention... i feel like she was jipped because she has twin sibblings. The twins require so much time and effort that DD gets ignored. I feel terrible. I didnt realize that this BM problem was so bad. I feel horrible. I feel like the worst mom in the world. She is in the shower cleaning her panties singing about how we hate her. I used to take her a lot of places but have stopped because everytime we go to leave she throws the hugest fit. I try to take it day by day (every day is a new daY) But sometimes its hard.. I dont know what to do.

Please help me.

 

:hug: i'm sorry you had such a bad day! but i must say i'm impressed you actually HAVE 30 panties for your DD!! LOL

i think you really need to make an effort and put aside some time for her right now, whether it be helping you with chores while the babies nap, or finding someone to watch the babies so you can have one-on-one time. i would talk to her before going out, make a deal and hold her accountable for her actions (i.e. no tantrums when we leave=either a treat in the car whether it be listening to a special cd of her choosing, or getting ice cream, or she can accompany you elsewhere that day, etc). make her feel the role of the big sister but as a helper not an "extra"

my niece went thru a similar stage (minus the 30 stashed bm's) and she is 4 years older than her brother, and my SIL had to really work to incorporate her so she felt she was an important part of this new family, too.

sorry you are having it so rough! hope things improve for you soon! :hug:

 

I was going to say the same thing as Sandra. Schedule special "mommy and me" time. Sometimes I forget how important that time is for my 6 year olds, they seem so capable now. But Marcus, just yesterday, jumped at the chance to got to Walmart with me for some thread, just to have a few minutes alone with me to talk.

Good luck!

 

I want to mention that her behavior may not be because of jealousy of the time you have with the twins but because she is 5. Cassie did the same thing with the bm in the underwear. Holly throws some pretty good fits (okay Cassie throws some horrible ones but hers have a physical reason), when its time to go somewhere and has for several years. Both of them are very good at hiding things from me (Andrea was unbelievably good at hiding things from me at that age.) Maybe it is that she needs some "mommy and me" time, but some of what you are describing is normal 5 year old behavior, testing limits, trying to see what she can get away with.

 

QUOTE(angelsmom2001 @ Aug 30 2008, 05:11 AM) [snapback]954550[/snapback]
I want to mention that her behavior may not be because of jealousy of the time you have with the twins but because she is 5. Cassie did the same thing with the bm in the underwear. Holly throws some pretty good fits (okay Cassie throws some horrible ones but hers have a physical reason), when its time to go somewhere and has for several years. Both of them are very good at hiding things from me (Andrea was unbelievably good at hiding things from me at that age.) Maybe it is that she needs some "mommy and me" time, but some of what you are describing is normal 5 year old behavior, testing limits, trying to see what she can get away with.

This actually makes me feel better.. I know she does need mommy and me time.. But knowing that there are other people that have gone thru the same thing. When does it get better?!? I thought the twos were supposed to be bad.. They were awesome.. This Stinks!!!!

 

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When does it get better?!?


Did I say it gets better? Andrea is almost 20, and I still think she acts like a 5 year old!


I think when it gets better depends upon the child. Some make transitions from stage to stage quickly and easily, while others take their own sweet time. Some kids go through stages others skip, and vice versa. I think mine are taking a bit longer to transition out of the stage they have been in because of factors other than their age. In the past 2 1/2 years their father has moved out, we divorced, he moved in with a new girlfriend, and sees them a lot less than he used to, in addition, I went through a stage of working WAY too much. I depended on Andrea or another sitter to basically raise them, because I only saw them for an hour in the morning and if I was lucky and hour at night. I am hoping in the next few months things are going to calm down. I am working at a job that will allow me to be home when they are. Their dad's girlfriend and I are on the same page with them (she is the one with them most of the time when they are supposed to be with him-it used to be his parents), we are able to talk about what they need. I am hoping to see some better behavior patterns in them both.

What to do with the behavior as it happens is to be consistant. At least thats what I have been told. Having her wash her own soiled underwear is a great idea, it teaches consequences for what she did. If it was a medical problem (which it could be), she wouldn't be hiding them, or singing about how horrible her life is. I am getting such a cute picture of her as Cinderella washing her underwear and singing!!!!! Try some one on one time with her, but not right after a bm incident because then it seems like a reward for bad behavior. Talk with her. At 5 she is old enough to understand action A causes reaction B-cause and effect. If she can go two days with out soiling her underwear you and she will spend a half hour, oh say reading. If she makes it all week she can join you at the grocery store and pick out ONE item as her choice. Or maybe she can decide what the babies will eat today. Or what she will eat for dinner. Some way of letting her know she is growing up and letting her have some independence and CONTROL over something in her life. Right now she has NO control over anything.

 

Oh Ashley, I am so sorry you are having this problem! I would suggest getting some counselling if you can. Someone who can deal with kids her age. It must be so hard to even know where to begin. I hope it gets better soon. :grouphug:

 

QUOTE(angelsmom2001 @ Aug 30 2008, 02:35 PM) [snapback]955154[/snapback]
Did I say it gets better? Andrea is almost 20, and I still think she acts like a 5 year old!
I think when it gets better depends upon the child. Some make transitions from stage to stage quickly and easily, while others take their own sweet time. Some kids go through stages others skip, and vice versa. I think mine are taking a bit longer to transition out of the stage they have been in because of factors other than their age. In the past 2 1/2 years their father has moved out, we divorced, he moved in with a new girlfriend, and sees them a lot less than he used to, in addition, I went through a stage of working WAY too much. I depended on Andrea or another sitter to basically raise them, because I only saw them for an hour in the morning and if I was lucky and hour at night. I am hoping in the next few months things are going to calm down. I am working at a job that will allow me to be home when they are. Their dad's girlfriend and I are on the same page with them (she is the one with them most of the time when they are supposed to be with him-it used to be his parents), we are able to talk about what they need. I am hoping to see some better behavior patterns in them both.

What to do with the behavior as it happens is to be consistant. At least thats what I have been told. Having her wash her own soiled underwear is a great idea, it teaches consequences for what she did. If it was a medical problem (which it could be), she wouldn't be hiding them, or singing about how horrible her life is. I am getting such a cute picture of her as Cinderella washing her underwear and singing!!!!! Try some one on one time with her, but not right after a bm incident because then it seems like a reward for bad behavior. Talk with her. At 5 she is old enough to understand action A causes reaction B-cause and effect. If she can go two days with out soiling her underwear you and she will spend a half hour, oh say reading. If she makes it all week she can join you at the grocery store and pick out ONE item as her choice. Or maybe she can decide what the babies will eat today. Or what she will eat for dinner. Some way of letting her know she is growing up and letting her have some independence and CONTROL over something in her life. Right now she has NO control over anything.


Thank you so much!!! :wub: you have given me great advice and helped me feel like a not so bad mommy.
and.... one day of clean panties!!! :yahoo:

 

You may want to just get her into the doctor just to rule out some sort of physical reason. If she is beating herself up about it and hiding it she may not know its happening at the time.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It must be awfully upsetting. I agree that you might want to check with a doctor to make sure there isn't a medical reason behind it.

Just in case any of it does stem from having to share you with the babies, I highly recommend the book Twinnies. Much like your daughter, my son Jackson was 4 when his twin siblings were born. He and I were very best buddies, and DH and I were really worried about how he would react. I read that book to him over and over. It tells all the older sister's frustrations about having baby twins in the house, and how people all comment on how cute they are and never about her, and how her mom and dad are so busy chasing the babies, she worries if they will have time to help her or keep her safe. Of course, in the end, she realizes what a big help she is to her parents and how much she loves her babies and how she wouldn't change a thing.

It's really hard to put the older child first when two baby twins are screaming for food or crawling off in two different directions. Honestly, there were times I let the babies cry so I could help Jackson first. I got him very involved in their care, and he ended up being crazy about them.

Your daughter isn't being cheated by having twin siblings. As they get older, you'll see their relationship change and grow. Just last night, we sat outside as the sun set and watched our three boys play flashlight tag, giggling and running around. I said to DH, "Boy, Jackson sure would have been bored if Hayden and Brady had been one girl!" We worried so much about how having younger twin siblings would affect him, and it has all turned out so much better than we ever could have imagined.

Best of luck to you!

 

I would only add that you might find you get a lot of mileage from a reward system at this age. Some small reward for daily clean panties, building up to a big treat may help with the BM problem, and continuing to focus on giving her special time will help you long-term. Good luck!

 

Thank You ladies.. I have taken her to the Dr. and there is "nothing" (nothing physically) wrong with her..

That book looks awesome.. I wish i had known about it before i had the babies! DD loves her brother and sister.. They just arent big enough to really play with yet..

Oh... AND... day 2 of clean panties!!! :yahoo:

 

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Oh... AND... day 2 of clean panties!!!


WHOO HOOOOO!!!!