My "Adult" evening gone wrong :(

There are two fun activities that I participate in - book and scrapbooking clubs. Usually I have one per month, so I get 2 girly/adult nights out without the babies.

Last night was book club. There are about 10 people that include some single, married and moms. I am the only one with multiples. At some point one the single women asked me how the babies were and I said they were good. Then somebody else jokingly asked about my "schedule" and how that was going. I explained that things were going good and that we just changed things up so that we were doing fewer bottles, more solids, fewer naps, etc - big changes. I thought that would be the end of it, but nooooooooooo, then the heckling started. I was interrogated (seriously) about how and why I have a schedule. Some of the comments/questions I got: Would I be scheduling all activities to the minute (come on now)? Do I force them to sleep/eat even if they don't want to (duh, no)? Do I really wake one up so they can feed at the same time (duh, yes)? Do I really only leave the house during certain times of the day (yes, when they are awake)? When the conversation would end, somebody would bring it back up in 10 minutes. I was defenseless.

One of the moms told her husband about it. He called my DH and said "I heard your wife got a really hard time last night". That only verified that I thought it was a little harsh.

Ladies - help me out here. I don't think I'm crazy to have a schedule. Do moms that only have singletons not do schedules for their kids? The women in my book club seem to let the day unfold and see what happens. I would love to hear from moms who have singletons and twins. Did you do things differently when you had multiples?

Help, please.

 

There are two fun activities that I participate in - book and scrapbooking clubs. Usually I have one per month, so I get 2 girly/adult nights out without the babies.

Last night was book club. There are about 10 people that include some single, married and moms. I am the only one with multiples. At some point one the single women asked me how the babies were and I said they were good. Then somebody else jokingly asked about my "schedule" and how that was going. I explained that things were going good and that we just changed things up so that we were doing fewer bottles, more solids, fewer naps, etc - big changes. I thought that would be the end of it, but nooooooooooo, then the heckling started. I was interrogated (seriously) about how and why I have a schedule. Some of the comments/questions I got: Would I be scheduling all activities to the minute (come on now)? Do I force them to sleep/eat even if they don't want to (duh, no)? Do I really wake one up so they can feed at the same time (duh, yes)? Do I really only leave the house during certain times of the day (yes, when they are awake)? When the conversation would end, somebody would bring it back up in 10 minutes. I was defenseless.

One of the moms told her husband about it. He called my DH and said "I heard your wife got a really hard time last night". That only verified that I thought it was a little harsh.

Ladies - help me out here. I don't think I'm crazy to have a schedule. Do moms that only have singletons not do schedules for their kids? The women in my book club seem to let the day unfold and see what happens. I would love to hear from moms who have singletons and twins. Did you do things differently when you had multiples?

Help, please.

 

I can't really say about scheduling, since these 2 are my first. I say, whatever works for you that's what you do!

To schedule or not to schedule aside......how RUDE of those ladies! However you run your home is your business & as long as your children are healthy & happy why should they care? I'm sorry you had to deal with that, especially as it was something you were looking forward to & then got ruined.

I have kind of a semi-schedule. I try to have a schedule through the day, but I'm also very flexible. Soon as I think I've got it figured out, though, they change. Babies do well on schedules, though.....I know mine are always happier when we follow it.

 

I don't have any experience except with my two so I am sorry I can't help there but I will tell you that my children thrive on routine. We have a schedule because they prefer it that way and as they have gotten older they will tell me exactly when I should be doing something if we are even a minute late they let me know. I tend to be a little loose with the schedule but they are the ones who won't let me. My children do well knowing what comes next and if that makes them happy then I am happy too! Sorry to hear how your night turned out but maybe what you do will help someone else down the road. Stand by your convictions and let them know why you do what you do if they are soo curious!

 

LOL- I would love to hear how to "force" my babies to nap

With my DD I had what I would call a routine...not quite as strict as a schedule but naptimes were definately sacred. I've always heard that babies do best with a schedule/routine. My twins are too young I think - right now it is total chaos at our house I'm sure when they are a little older we will develop a schedule & I'll be stricter about it than I was with my first - seems to me it is just a necessity with twins. I'm sorry your evening was so disappointing. Sounds like what you are doing works for you!!

 

I can tell you that I had a very regular schedule/routine. Some of my friends picked on me for it--until they saw the results! I had very happy children who were very easy to put down to sleep. And you know what, when they had children after me, they followed my lead

Tell them, anytime they want to give it a try and let the day "happen as it comes", with the twins, they are welcome to give it a try

 

How can you do this without a schedule?! I actually paid a woman $2500 to live with me for 10 days to help me establish a schedule and I think it was worth every penny. Anyone who would make fun of having a schedule has obviously never given any thought to what's involved in caring for more than 1 baby at a time. How rude of them to mock...

 

I thrive on schedules and the babies do best when they are pretty much on the same schedule. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I'm sorry for the heckling!

 

I can relate a bit to this!!!! First of all: Schedules SAVE A MULTIPLES MOM A LOT OF HEADACHES AND STRESS!!! You have to have some kind of schedule if you need any of your own time (down time). Some people don't care and don't mind having one up and one down, but not me!!! I would defend it to the death!

I went to the neighbor kid's 1st bday (they came to ours) party and there was another mom of a singleton that lives down the street and they were talking about their walks to Starbucks and I said "I want to go! Stop by my house sometime!" Do you KNOW what my neighbor said? (I'll tell you ) She said "you have schedules and stuff!!"

Then, I ran into them one day at the zoo. She couldn't hold her dd and the food etc. all at once so I took her tray etc. and still managed my stroller etc.....I went over to say hi to them and they basically told me that they wouldn't ever get to the zoo if it wasn't a spontaneous trip. Good Grief!! So, I said...."I have to get back to my twin mommy friend who's also a scheduler " It was all good natured and not nasty at all, but what's SO funny about this is that my neighbor is on bedrest right now with #2 and I am thinking she is going to be wishing for her 90% of the time held child to be on a schedule!

Sorry....didn't mean to hijack, but my situation seemed to fit!!

Glad you stuck to your guns!!

 

I can't believe how rude these women were!!! It's unforgivable. I would ditch this group!!!!
Have you checked about a local mother of twins or mother of multiples group? My local one has a (moms-only) meeting monthly. It might be time to find a group you have more in common with.

As far as schedules, I HAD to have one with my first child... and she was a singleton... so no, this is not just something with twins. When I was on bedrest of my MIL was staying with us, she repeatedly ignored my schedule... and it showed. My daughter acted up constantly.

Regardless of all that, what business is it of theirs? Why interrogate you about it? What the h*** is wrong with them????

 

What rude people!!!!!!

With my first, I definitely didn't have as good of a schedule (like I didn't keep track of stuff like feeding amounts and times as well) but we did have certain activities we did ever day and certain times for napping. I think obviously with two mouths to feed, two to get to sleep, double the laundry, dishes amd double the play time, YES, you NEED A SCHEDULE. My DH and I have done really well with our three kids because of the schedule we keep on the dry erase board on our fridge. We write down the time they last ate and nap times and how long so we both know what they have been doing. I have to say its working well for us. Honestly we haven't fought in over a month, and that is shocking for me.

So anyway, I guess my point is -- do what you want to do with your kids and I know you like getting out, but maybe you should find a different book club! Oh, and you are doing a great job Mommy!

 

I only have a singleton right now but I definitely believe in scheduling babies and will put the twins on a schedule as soon as I can, too. My son was very colicky and challenging (still is a handful!) and feeding / sleep scheduling plus sleep training were the only things that helped keep us both sane and enabled us to leave the house.

I'm still a slave to his afternoon nap schedule although we are a bit more relaxed on the weekends when Daddy's here and we're more active. During the week, though, it's all about the schedule. I don't think my son could sleep without schedule boundaries and then we'd all suffer.

Don't second-guess yourself! Some women are blessed with easy babies / easy situations but we're just not in that group and your friends are apparently.

I used to receive advice on how to manage my colicky infant from mothers with "lump on a log" singletons. I knew they didn't really know what they were talking about but I humored them anyway. Then one of them got a colicky second baby and started calling me for sanity checks. That's when she finally realized what different experiences we'd had the first time around.

Your friends have obviously never walked in your shoes so take their commentary with a grain of salt.

 

Oh I hate when people are like that, it drives me crazy. My MIL did that to me when we moved here, she was offended that I wouldnt go to the 7 pm night service at church and that I would not go to her house between services for lunch on Sundays. She even told me I couldnt let my life revolve around my children. WELL THEN WHY HAVE KIDS??? I was sooo mad, your children are only children once, its doesnt last forever, its NEVER time you can get back, so what is wrong by making your children your priority and making plans around what is best for them.

I continued the tradition of scheduling with the girls as well. There are no big surprises to our day and you know what, I have people comment all the time on how well behaved my children are, yeah my son can be a huge brat sometimes but its the age but he is very respectful when we are out. Even to this day, ds may not always take a nap but nap time is from 12-3 and he is in his room until nap time is over, whether he naps or not. He knows the routine and has done very well with it.

 

quote:
Originally posted by Cassie05:
My MIL did that to me when we moved here, she was offended that I wouldnt go to the 7 pm night service at church and that I would not go to her house between services for lunch on Sundays. She even told me I couldnt let my life revolve around my children.


Sounds like she expected it to revolve around her!!

 

How irritating! It is not a twin thing. With my first child, I didn't do a schedule as much (I attribute to first time mommy didn't really know how wonderful schedule was etc) and I had a hard time with her sleeping until she was around 2. When my son was born, I read the great HSHC book and started immediately! I and everyone around me was amazed at how well my son took his naps and went to bed at night! He would actually tell me he wanted to go! When the twins came, it was an absolute necessity - with 4 kids 5yrs and under it is a sanity saver! Plus, I have my free time from 8pm on every night (after all the procrastination it is probably more like 8:30)!!!

 

quote:
Originally posted by Oneplus2more:
quote:
Originally posted by Cassie05:
My MIL did that to me when we moved here, she was offended that I wouldnt go to the 7 pm night service at church and that I would not go to her house between services for lunch on Sundays. She even told me I couldnt let my life revolve around my children.


Sounds like she expected it to revolve around her!!

No kidding

 

I'm so sorry your night went badly. It's strange to me that these ladies kept on attacking you, when it must have been obvious that you were uncomfortable. Yikes. That's really not nice.
Some people are schedule-moms & some are not. I fall into the "schedule-mom" catagory. My dd1 was on a BabyWise schedule & so are #2 & #3. I thrive on routine, & my girls do as well. It seems that those ladies don't understand that schedules are not as rigid as they sound- it's just a guideline for the day!
I would find a book club! Good luck!

 

I would probably turn the topic around and start questioning all their parenting practices, so they would understand how crappy it feels. Or I'd tell them to screw off and call me when they have their own twins.

Either way, I probably would start distancing myself from such an unsupportive group.

 

I truly appreciate all of your responses. I am disappointed in myself that I have allowed doubt and guilt consume my energy!

My local mom group discussed a monthly meeting, but then it never materialized. I would LOVE to have a time to get together with other people like me (why does that make me feel like a freak? )

I think the babies are happy and I would guess if they weren't, they'd be crying and kicking their little feet, right?

Thanks to you all again for the great support that you provide. I believe that TS is the greatest group of parents!

 

Our family has always had babies on schedules. I come from a large extended family who all live nearby and all the babies before my two were singletons. Every kid has been on a schedule and we've all always planned activities around that. Of course, things were flexible if need be (which wasn't so much the case with the twins ) but there was always a schedule and it made things a lot easier on the adults AND babies.

I've never done it but wouldn't you be running around like a chicken with its head cut off if you just let a 6 month old decide what they wanted to do everyday?

 

I really can't believe people sometimes! I have four children and keep two others during the week...we have to have a schedule. When my son was born it took me about a month or so to get him on a good schedule/routine, but he was my first. With my daughter, it was easier, and with the girls, I would be insane (I'm almost there anyway..haha) if we didn't have them on a schedule. I'm not like a drill sergeant with it, but we do have a routine and we stick to it.

One of the children I keep is my niece. She is now 10 months old. When they first talked about my keeping her, my BIL said "so you think you can get her on a schedule? good luck with that." They had not previously had her on any sort of schedule at all. She basically runs their house. Anyway, I'm proud to say that after two days, I had that sweet girl on a great schedule (and enjoyed proving my BIL wrong!)

I say whatever works for you and your family, keep doing it! You're doing a great job!!

 

I would have been at you all night too...but to find out your techniques and how you manage it. Mine are on a semi schedule. I would love to get them on it fully but have had no success. Anyway, why don't you take your husband next time or a friend (who you will pick up at the multiples group) to help you defend yourself. In fact print these pages out and let them read the responses. Fools. But who really cares what they have to say, you have two healthy happy little bubbies.

 

I think your "friends" were rude!

But, I have to say that strict schedules are not for everyone, or every baby. I'm not a schedule kind of a person. With my older three children, they naturally fell into routines which worked well for us, but that we weren't super strict about. They generally napped at certain times, and had a bedtime that was natural and healthy. They're all pleasant children and except for rare moments, very well behaved. I actually intended to put the babies on more of a schedule than I had my older children on. Feed them (tandem nursing) at the same times, same sleeping, etc. Well, welcome to the real world (at my house). I have babies who are totally different sizes, eat different amounts, take different lengths and types of naps, etc. And nothing has worked to change it. I've adapted and it's fine. There are days when having 1 up all day is nutso. But I also like the one on one time I have with them, and sometimes it is easier to just take care of one at a time. So we all do things different ways.

 

Schedule or no schedule that was just plain rude of those people...