Moving up a grade

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by angelsmom2001, Mar 31, 2012.

  1. angelsmom2001

    angelsmom2001 Well-Known Member

    Back story....My two are like night and day, both in looks and personality. They are also entering puberty (shoot me now!) and are pretty hormonal. Cassie has always been a bit more of a social kid, and more outgoing. Holly is a reader, quiet and a bit socially inept. They remind me a lot of my sister and I, at different points of our lives.


    This is becoming a problem. I leave for work at 6:30am and they get on the bus at 7:15. This means they are 'alone' to get ready for school and get themselves on the bus. It was not my choice of best situation, but its what we had to do to get through the day (by 'alone', I mean in our apartment, the apartment next door has a dad who is puttng his kids on the bus, keeping an eye out for all of them). Holly has on at least 2 occasions refused to leave the house and get on the bus. With a lot of searching and talking, tears and counseling we discovered that the problem was Cassie. Cassie is being a bully. It has become a major problem, and Holly not only doesn't want to have her sister as a part of our lives, she doesn't want to live with Cassie or me. She basically asked my SIL if she could live with her. She said she has friends who are twins who are very close, and she wants to experience that, but....not with Cassie. I totally get that, as much as I love my sister, I can't stand to be around her all the time. She is not always a nice person, she is selfish and all about her...so I get Holly wanting out. Obviously that isn't an option. I even asked Holly if she wanted to live with her dad. It would nearly kill me to do it, knowing it wouldn't be the best place for her, but if that was what she needed right now, I'd bite my tounge and let her go. She was adamant, NO. She is a smart girl, she knows he isn't capable of taking care of her.



    So the reason for my post (thank you for reading this far), I started the process of having Holly transferred to the school where I work, a small charter school, serving grades 7-12. Well she made it through the lottery process and has been accepted, contingent upon her testing in to grade level. The girls are in 5th grade this year, so in order to come to this school, she would need to skip 6th grade and test into 7th. Well no shock to anyone who knows Holly well, she more than tested in. Most of her tests put her at grade level over 10th grade (including one at grade level 15).

    So next year she will be in 7th grade and Cassie will be in 6th. Can you now see where my dilemma might be???

    Holly is beyond excited, its as if a HUGE rock has been lifted off her shoulders. She as I said was socially not quite ept, but many of the kids who enter our school as 7th graders are worse off than she is, not all but somewhere near 90% are socially inept. The school is small, classes are small and there are some extremely bright kids there. There is an abundance of one on one learning, as well as a lot of independent learning as well. I am positive this is the perfect enviromnent for Holly, and fully intended to bring her when she was in 7th grade.


    This also will help with our bully problem, as they won't be together as often. But my concern is how cassie is going to react when she really realizes that her sister is in a class ahead of her, even though they are the same age. I'm probably worrying about something that won't happen, but I'm still concerned. I don't want Cassie to think she is dumb, she is far from that (and probably could test into 7th grade too, but socially, I don't want to move her and she doesn't want to change schools). I'm wondering if any of you have ever had one twin advance a grade. I always said I wouldn't, but this time it seems Holly's mental state is requiring moving her, and her 'smarticles' as her sister calls them, are putting her at a higher level. I guess I just want to actually get this out and work it out in my own head. I know I'm doing what is right for Holly, but is it also right for Cassie?
     
  2. moski

    moski Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I have a friend that has boy/girl twins in separate grades. The girl is a year ahead of the boy and it has worked out well for them. Mary says she wished she did it earlier (I think he was kept back in 2nd or 3rd grade). The girl is definitely more mature and seems older and both kids have thrived. I don't think that Byron has any negative feelings about Beth being a head of him, at least not that his mother has said.

    I think Cassie will be okay. As you said, she's the more social of the two girls and I think she will be fine being a year behind Holly, because she will still be with all her friends. And it sounds like Holly will have a great environment at the charter school for her smarts and her social development. She is a very shy girl and I think the smaller class size and one on one attention will be good for her.

    (No experience, but I think the fact that they will be at different schools in different grades may work to your advantage. Cassie might have more of an issue if Holly skipped a grade at her current school and she didn't).
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. TwinxesMom

    TwinxesMom Well-Known Member

    I too think since they are at different schools it will help
     
  4. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member


    This is what I was thinking as well. Also, issues between the two of them aside, Holly must be really bored at school right now and that can't be helping any either. It sounds like they would be better off with more time away from each other.
     
  5. TwinxesMom

    TwinxesMom Well-Known Member

    Also Cassie should still have the chance to do advanced classes if she tests into them. That might help her out look
     
  6. 4jsinPA

    4jsinPA Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I think I would have the same fears as you but it almost seems like it is a blessing and might be just what both girls need. Maybe the time away from each other will make their time together much better. I really think it sounds like it will be a good thing. Of course we are talking girls entering puberty....so may not come off as a good thing right away but I hope it works out for the best!
     
  7. rissakaye

    rissakaye Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I think it could be a good thing. I guess I'm also thinking, What's the alternative? It sounds like keeping things the same wouldn't work. Maybe this will shake things up and give the girls the space to be just Hollie and Cassie instead of together.

    My dad has a twin sister and she was a grade ahead because health and development issues my dad had. My grandfather was insistent on things like getting driver's licenses that dad get it first because he was a boy. My dad got most things first because he was a boy. I don't hear at all about any resentment from them being in different grades. I hear resentment about inequity of treatment and privileges because dad was a boy and my grandparents played favorites.

    Marissa
     
  8. Utopia122

    Utopia122 Well-Known Member

    To me, it sounds as though Holly being a grade ahead may make things more of an even playing field for her and Cassie. Cassie is more social, Holly a grade ahead, may be a good thing to see that Holly has something up on her, if you know what I mean. I have another concern, however, have you thought of taking them to counseling together? You know, when you are dead and gone, all they will have is each other, I just would hate to see their relationship get worse, especially being sisters. Granted, they are adolescents, but if their relationship is such that she doesn't even want to go to the same school as her, to me, it sounds bad. My brother was extremely mean to me growing up, so much so that for 15 years I didn't speak to him, and to this day, I have a hard time forgiving him for what he did to me. If my mom would have seen what was going on and got us some help, maybe he and I would have a better relationship.
     
    2 people like this.
  9. MichelleL

    MichelleL Well-Known Member

    No advice just many hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: I hope you figure out the best solution! :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  10. angelsmom2001

    angelsmom2001 Well-Known Member

    Rachel,
    both have been in counseling individually at different times. Part of the problem lies with Holly's ability and desire to, or more specifically her lack of ability and desire to talk to people. We (the adults around her who love her) know when there is something wrong, but she either can't or won't tell us what the problem is, or all of the problem. It takes her a LONG time to warm up to anyone. Which is why when she started having problems this year, I reached out to one of her former teachers, she is a perfect match for Holly. AND she lets Holly talk at her own speed, and can get more information out of her in an hour than anyone else I know. She also has met with Cassie, and both of them. Once we can get Holly to be a bit more trusting of a counselor, I intend to bring Cassie and myself to family counseling with her, it may take a while. What you said about having each other when I'm gone is something I actually am living through right now. My brother and sister don't speak to each other, and my brother has written off my sister, because of her behavior. My parents are in failing health, and may not have a lot of time left. The writing on the wall is telling me this could well be a hurtful, nasty, painful time, with me stuck in the middle.



    I really appreciate the responses ladies. In my head I know its what is best for Holly, and probably for Cassie as well. But I keep second guessing myself. Hopefully next fall I will be posting that they are thriving wildly and everything is coming up roses! (hey just like megamillions, I can dream!)
     
    2 people like this.
  11. momotwinsmom

    momotwinsmom Well-Known Member

    Don't second guess, Molly. If this is what is best for Holly, than Cassie needs to understand that. I'm sorry you think this may be a problem, but I hope it isn't. I hope the time apart will help them get along better. :hug:
     
  12. SuzyHolland

    SuzyHolland Well-Known Member

    My boys are also day & night.They just turned 6
    Cosmo skipped a year. and Keagan really doesn't care.
    They are so differen't. Most people don't realize they are twins.
    Do what is good for the individual!!

    good luck
     
  13. akameme

    akameme Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    You really need to put Holly's needs ahead of Cassie IMHO - but man it's hard. My kids are only five, but I'd say one of the biggest mistakes we made was trying to keep things even between them. Life isn't even or fair and now Becca expects it.. But I think this is a perfect "life isn't fair" lesson, but I know how hard it is. I know even though I know life isn't fair, it's one of my helicopter parent tendencies. I'm good with bruises and dirt, but wanting to protect their emotional well being turns me into a blubbering idiot sometimes.
     
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