Mothers Day is weighing heavy on me!

For the past few years, Mothers Day has been one of those double edge swords for me. No different this year! I feel obligated to send my mother something, however, it doesn't come from my heart, only from obligation.

My mother is one of those that no matter what, I am not good enough in her eyes. She loves to email me with every degrading imperfection you could think of! She has seen my kids a total of 0 times this year, and has even been to our house with my dad, but would rather sit in the car and wait for him.

She told me that until I respect her, she will stay out of my life. It's hard to respect a person, much less your own mother, after they continue to do the things that she has to me. What kind of grandmother would not want to see her wonderful grandkids? These are also the only grandkids in the state! And she lives 20 miles away.

I'm just wondering if others have a similar experience, and what you have done in the past or are doing this year for Mothers day?

 

I can't relate to this particular situation, but I wanted to offer some advice. First of all, I think what she is doing is really upsetting you, and that is part of the reason she is doing it. It sounds like she is just trying to be hurtful, and I am not surprised it is hard to show her appreciation around Mother's Day. So I would try to rearrange your thinking on this issue. Don't take it personally, because I guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with you. I don't even know you, but I know any grandmother who is not seeing her grandkids because YOU don't give her enough respect is NUTS. Why would you punish your grandkids? Needless to say I think your mom is the one with serious issues, and you should take the approach that it is her loss. It is no loss to you if she pouts in the car, or doesn't see your children. She is punishing herself. As for the way you feel about her, I wouldn't expect you to have great appreciation for her, and I would not pretend to. Be gracious as always, but be honest with her if she asks you about anything. As for her staying out of your life until you "respect" her, sounds to me like a very conditional and punitive way to love your child. I would not give her a fake gift, I would give her the gift of honesty, and tell her how you feel, and let the cards fall where they may. Either she can grow right up and quit punishing you and your kids, or she can continue to be nutters, either way I don't think you have to pretend to be close to her. Be yourself and be proud to be who you are, if you mom can't love you that way, HER LOSS!! Learn from it, and love your kids differently as a result. I am so sorry this is going on, it breaks my heart for you. HUGS!

 

I can't really add more to what Mattsgal said. It's definitely her problem, not yours. Hang in there!

--> Andy

 

I am sorry that you are in this position. I agree with PPs. it's her loss. but the question remains, What's driving her behavior? Maybe there is some hurt from the past that is causing her to react like this?? Maybe her mother never gave her verbal affirmation and so she doesn't know how to give it??? or maybe there's a specific event from your teen years that has never been fully "hashed out"??? Obviously there's some unforgiveness here.... I think being honest with her about the actions that hurt you and honestly trying to forgive her for it may be the best mother's day present you could give her.... and yourself.

For a gift suggestion, send a single yellow rose.

 

In dealing with the issues between my nutty mom and even nuttier sister, maybe I can weigh in. I dont have a mom like that exactly, as my mother would never punish her grandkids...and never has. My sister does not respect my mom and vise versa. My mother was a very lazy mom, and my sister has never been able to get over that..I have been a mediator for the past 20 years when it comes to them and this is what I have concluded:

I think where your mom is coming from is jealousy. Because of my mothers bad childhood, she always tended to be jealous of my sister (popular, pretty, cheerleader.) She never had those issues with me...I was always the beatnick hippie, involved in art and music. My mother always treated me as more of a kindrid spirit then a daughter. My mom also had high expectations on my sister and according her (my mom) could have done better. Even though my sister is married, 3 great kids etc, her husband (because of my sisters issues) could never respect her either. My mom always felt like she earned it, where in thier eyes, she never has. Maybe your mom feels like you could have done better (where Im sure your quite happy in life, and know that your life is great). Does she like your DH? Did you have a BETTER life then her? Is your house bigger? Etc. This may seem like trivial and pointless things to be mad about, but to your mom may be overwhelmed with her feelings of jealpousy, and because she feels like she cant tell you that, its manifested as, your not good enough, you never were.

As far as punishing your kids, she may be jelaous of that too. Your getting a fresh start at parenting, where she is probably extremly self concious about what and how she parented you and your siblings. Maybe she sees how great your kids are, and doesnt want to admit what (and if) a crappy job she may have done compared to you.

truth is, a lot of the animosity prob comes from her resentment in herself. The decisions she has made, the life she had and the things she did, are probably things she never inteded. Every mom wants to be a good mom, but despite good intentions, they feel inside, they have failed. Even though thier kids may be great kids, healthy, happy, married, and beautiful.

I think she needs help, counseling. She also may be depressed. Respecting someone does not come with genetics. My mom does not get my respect because she is my mom (even though thats how she thinks)...she has earned mine, esp through my kids and being a good godmother to them. She had issues when we were kids, but for me, has been there since I have been an adult, almost making up for the things she may have missed as a child. My mother feels like she does not have to earn my sisters respect, although my sister does not give her the opportunity to make it up to her...she is essentially never available and her husband does not help matters.

Respecting your elders comes with a lot more then age. It comes with MUTUAL understanding and respect from both sides. I never respected cranky old ladies who looked down on me and were rude, and demanded my respect. NEVER. You have to earn mine just as much as I have to earn yours.

I hope you find resolution soon. As for gifts, maybe keep it to the kids, and at least try and let her see her grandkids need her despite her rediculoous issues. Send her a handmade card, or handmade gift from them. That has to melt her heart and maybe will get her to see, despiter her idiocy, her grandkids still want a grandmother.

Good luck hon, and PM anytime.
xoxo

 

Thank you all for you input! It reinforced what others have been telling me for a long time. I can't imagine being jealous over my kids. I could only imagine being happy for them! I appreciate the thought that you put into your responses, and it really has helped me today!! It's just so wonderful to watch my girls change everyday, and sad for them to not know their grandparents. And to know that my mother chooses to miss out on it and then blames it on me, is very sad. Well, I have learned what kind of mother I don't want to be, and try every day to make my life and kids lives a positive experience.


Thank you!

 

Like everyone in the pp's have said...It's totally HER loss!!

Hopefully, someday before it's too late she will wake up and realize that she is going to look imperfect in her grandchildren's eyes when they are ld enought ot realize.