*Sigh...it's getting unbearable... I have such a strong personality, I speak my mind, I tell the truth, I am fair, honest, and compassionate. My MIL is likened to Sandra Lee from Food Network's "Semi-Homemade" show, but with a conniving twinge... She is so saccharine, but in a passive-aggressive way... She'll say stupid, ridiculous things, but in a sing-song, cheerful way---it's getting to me, to the point where I just have to walk away! Just this moment, she looked at Kash and said, "Nana is going to trim your hair today," (even thought she ALREADY cut it AFTER I SAID NOT TO about three months ago!) It's a tradition in our family not to cut it until the first year, and plus, I like the hippie-child, converse-wearing, overall-sporting, happy-go-lucky kid look! I got home from teaching, and who is looking up at me with a fresh haircut? KASH?! OMG, I almost lost it with her... BUT... I can't! I can't lose my [expletive] with her because we live with her...we live with my in-laws... She'll say things like, "Oh my, Jonas, you're face is so dirty!" which really means, "How come your mother hasn't cleaned your face yet?!" It's hard for me to explain in type, do you other moms know what I'm talking about? I'm so frustrated because in a normal situation, I'd say, "You know what, Gail? I'm growing out his hair...don't cut it." But because we're living here, and I have to spend most of my days with her since she's retired and I'm home with the kids, I feel like I have to bite my tongue. She's the kind of person where if I confont her, she'll cold-shoulder me, all hurt in a spanked-puppy kind of way... MY kids, MY life, MY everything...I want her to leave me alone...I want her NOT to speak under her breath, or direct her comments to the kids instead of me..."Oh, I can't believe your parents are taking you out in the cold..." Geez, I feel bad that my kids haven't seen sunshine in three days, all couped up in the house! Fresh air is good for them, do you think I'd let them go out without a jacket or hat? Seriously, I am aching with frustration...I am aching, knot-in-my-throat, stone-in-my-stomach, tears welling up frustrated! I want to tell my husband that I can't stand his mother, but I love my husband and I respect him...I don't want to hurt him, that's his mother for God's sake...but he has to know that she is neurotic?! My family, (who also knows she is neurotic), says "Well, she raised a good son, didn't she?" meaning that my husband is everything good and she was his mother...and I'm grateful, but it's different now! In simple terms, she is interfering with my lovely experience of raising my boys, with mistakes and all...I'm allowed to make a mistake or two, I'm allowed to be a mom, I'm allowed to let my kids run around with no diaper, no socks, dirty faces---Dirty faces, because THEY'RE ENJOYING THEIR COOKIES! Let them! Let them have fun, let them run around naked for a bit to dry off since they have diaper rash! Why can't those be MY calls? Why can't I savor my experience?! *Sigh...will someone please tell me that I'm not the only one?
I feel your pain so entirely. my mil is just like that ....she will say things like "oh you have such beautiful highlights in your hair WHEN momma shampoos your hair" so she is saying i don't bathe my children no i am just not neurotic. My twins will be 2 on Saturday they have been feeding themselves for over a year yet everytime nana is around she feeds them like they are infants AND then wipes their faces and hands every ten seconds My poor son is turning into a neurotic worried about every spill!!!!!!!!! I love watching my kids enjoy and ice cream cone...completely covered in mint chip. my mil on the other hand has a heart attck....oh i could go on and on with what she does to irk me. GOD BLESS YOU cause I could never live with my in-laws. I would either go insane or file for divorce! Just know you are not alone ... GL P>S> I am totally into the long hair look and that kills her I would have flipped if I came home to a hair cut!
Oh, my! Your MIL is REALLY passive-aggressive! She says and does very manipulative and hurtful things, then acts innocent or wounded. grrr... I think your amazing if you can stand to live with her for ANY length of time. I'm sure I could barely tolerate a visit once a week. She doesn't respect your boundaries (making the decision to cut your child's hair). That should be completely up to YOU and your DH. Do you have any options to move out on your own (with your family)? Honestly, I don't think she will stop as long as you live under her roof. She has way too much power. Your DH is probably very used to it by now. He either ignores it to keep the peace, or might be oblivious to her behavior since he grew up with her. My suggestion-I would talk to your DH when you are calm. You don't have to bash your MIL, just explain a specific behavior that bothers you (the haircut is a good example). Your DH really needs to step in and speak with her about her boundaries. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I think your reactions make complete sense. That would drive me nuts!!
QUOTE(Twin Lakes @ Jan 4 2009, 02:05 PM) [snapback]1132598[/snapback] She is so saccharine, but in a passive-aggressive way... She'll say stupid, ridiculous things, but in a sing-song, cheerful way---it's getting to me, to the point where I just have to walk away! I just wanted to say that a strong personality, IMO, is someone who is aggressive and controlling toward other people. You don't really sound like a strong personality. The description you gave of yourself is a self-assured person. It sounds like MIL is a strong personality. Strong personalities are difficult to be around . She has no right to tell you what to do :hug:. Just keep being assertive in your approach with her. Ask DH to talk with her about this. I hope it gets better soon :hug:.
She would make me crazy. I would be sorely tempted to reply to the kids one day after she'd said something to them, like "It's too bad Grandma is afraid to talk to me directly and instead feels like it's ok to drag you guys into her belittlement of me. That's not what grown up do." I'm sorry you live with your MIL. I've been there and done that.
My MIL in law USED to be the exact same way. I talked to my DH about how I was feeling and he agreed with me, so he sat down with her and shared his concerns (non-confrontationally) and she was actually very receptive and hasn't done it since. Good Luck! :hug: MIL's can be very hard!
You're kind of in a difficult position since you are under her roof. I would move, quickly if you can. As long as your under her roof, she's going to do what she wants and you're going to have to deal with it because you're there. Man, I'm sorry you live there. There is no way in hel& you would catch me living at my MILs. My MIL is the same as yours. Says things to make you look stupid or incompetent. I'm not around her often.
Move out Now !! It is lack of respect for you. I think I'd have to talk though my children too if she was "no grandma I want to go outside I haven't for 3 days" and just continue to do that each time they talk through your children. This is a weird and nasty habit too many adults do not just in-laws. They have raised their children and it is now YOUR turn to raise your children in the manner you choose. You could always tell her a story about your other "friend" and how she has had to deal with "her inlaws" and how she said to them...."blah blah blah" this too is passive aggressive but heck right back at her. Or have a good girlfriend come over and complain how her inlaws did such and such and how much she hated it. good luck keep trying. It is important to set boundaries early or it will just continue as they get older. Heather
my MIL is the same way - unbelievably passive agressive...I bite my tongue too because if I didn't I'd make the situation worse (she tolerates me - I've never done anything to her or DH but she's never liked me from the moment he met me)...I live next door to them and fortunately since she treats me like a doormat DH and I only see her once a week with the kids...
:hug: :hug: :hug: My grandmother lives with us and does the same kind of things. I used to constantly try to ignore and walk away but she's just...she said something about me not being mature enough to understand what my girls went through in the NICU :umm: ..Since then I can't just let her talk the way she wants. It would probably be best to let your DH know how your MIL is making you feel and the way she is going about things. Just because you are living with her, that doesn't give her the right to just throw her 2cents in such a way. Noone should have to be unhappy all the time because of someone else's insensitivity! Good luck and I really hope you are able to get this resolved!!
Please try your hardest to enjoy your wonderful little guys they deserve and you do too the chance at the normal things that you feel you are missing out on at the moment. Let their little faces get as dirty as you want make them a sundae if you feel the urge you are a great mum and I hope you enjoy every minute of this fantastic time that you can. By the way if it was my MIL my poor DH would never hear the end of my moaning ChanceKathleen - What a hurtful comment your grandmother made :hug: to you.
OMG my stomach aches for you. I love my MIL to death and before I had the babies I got along even better with her than with my own mom. BUT, since I had the boys, it went downhill when I decided I wanted to xclusively bf and she insisted I give them formula (none of my friends bf their kids so noone understood and thought i was a masocist or alien for wanting to do so) and talked "through" the babies saying, "mommy that's all your gonna give me, I''m still hungry..." and things like that. Always second guessing me. It hurt me sooooo much and I almost quit bfing b/c of all their pressure. I am so glad I didn't. I never had kids b4 and felt pretty clueless so I did LOTs of research while pregnant and made sure that every decision I made was an educated one but she, and my mom may I add, would say stuff to me like they felt i was pulling these concepts out of my "arse" or something. uuuggh! Her and my mom say stuff like "you went out today it being so cold? (we live in Orlando) Did you put a jacket on them...blankets?" noooo i took them out wet and in their bathing suits, and spritzed some water on them while i was at it... what the heck are they thinkin? The one time they were sick (they are 9 mo old thank God for BF!) my mom would say,"oh your with grandma today and grandma is not gonna let you be uncomfortable or sick..." okay, like b/c they are with me they are sick and uncomforatble. It's really hard. I know they mean the best and thank God for people that love are kids to the point of obsession even but ebnough is enough. They don't realized they calling us bad moms in our faces. And if you even insinuate it (non confrontationally) they vow to NEVER give advice again, or not to care about them and to forget they are even the grandmas. cue violin. Please! Get a life! I feel ya sister. We have to be the bigger person and be polite but don't ever take disrespect from ANYONE! Communicate your issues to her. So what if she takes it personal!
