Moms that try to displine other people's kids...

I belong to this mommy group where we all get together a few times a week for playdates at the park, beach or wherever. Well, there is this mom in the group that has tried to discipline my kid (2 1/2 yr old boy) and other mom's kids too. For example, my ds was starting to take his shoe off at the playground and we were on the sand so I said to my ds, "please don't take your shoe off b/c your going to get sand in your shoe and all over your sock, so please put your shoe back on." Well, he still insisted on taking off his shoe after I told him not too and she jumped in and said "no, put your shoe back on." (She comes off very harsh) To me that was kinda crossing the line, ya think?? Another example, was our boys were playing with a bunch of hot wheel cars (at my house) and her boy started to bang the cars on the coffee table and she said "ok, you better stop that right now or I'm going to take the cars away" and then naturally my 2 yr. ds started to copy him right after she had said that so right when my boy started to bang the cars on the coffee table she immediately picked up all the cars really fast and very abruptly and said "ok, enough is enough, no more cars for you both, I'm putting them all away. And she wasn't just placing the cars in the box she was kinda throwing them in there aggressivly.


I just wanted to get your opinions on this. I really don't want to mess up the calm of the group, but it's starting to really get on my nerves a bit. Was wondering if any of you ladies experienced this before from another mom, and if so how should I handle this.

Thanks!

 

Has anyone else in your mommy group mentioned her behaviour ? Yeah I think she is off-line, you just might need to find a way to tell her not to discipline your kids.

I remember I had corrected my friend's kid (he was putting his feet up on new furniture at a store) and she said something to me I was taken back at first but then realized he was her concern. Later that day we went to an aquarium and I think she was surprised when I wasn't aware where her son was. I figured it was her job to watch him.

Heather

 

QUOTE
I remember I had corrected my friend's kid (he was putting his feet up on new furniture at a store) and she said something to me I was taken back at first but then realized he was her concern. Later that day we went to an aquarium and I think she was surprised when I wasn't aware where her son was. I figured it was her job to watch him.


Doh!!! That's pretty funny.

OP, I would probably say something to her as soon as she did it. Does anyone correct her son? I wonder how she would feel with that.

 

I know with my circle, we all have agreed the closest adult gets to discipline (timeouts, redirects, that sort of thing). If you aren't comfortable with her doing this, I would try to be there to intercede her attempt at disciplining your child. Has anyone else talked to her about doing this?

 

My friends and I have occasionally corrected each other's kids but in a nice way like "Oh honey don't bang the car on the table it will break" that sort of thing and if they had to be corrected further with a harsher tone the mom of the child would take over, YKWIM? But the way you describe with this lady seems a bit out of bounds like she's the dictator of the whole group but not in a nice way...I would say something like "I'll correct them, thanks".

 

QUOTE(Shadyfeline @ May 31 2008, 08:00 AM) [snapback]802593[/snapback]
My friends and I have occasionally corrected each other's kids but in a nice way like "Oh honey don't bang the car on the table it will break" that sort of thing and if they had to be corrected further with a harsher tone the mom of the child would take over, YKWIM? But the way you describe with this lady seems a bit out of bounds like she's the dictator of the whole group but not in a nice way...I would say something like "I'll correct them, thanks".


Yeah, I might say something nice like this, but more formal correction should be left to the parent, assuming s/he is present. The only exception I would make is at a playground if one kid is about to injure another kid. Then I will step in and say "no" more firmly. That's just a safety thing, though. (I mean things like throwing rocks or pushing people off play structures.)

 

WHen me and my friend get together we correct each others children, sometimes they listen better to the other adult rather then their own parents. If she seems rough to you then she is over stepping her boundreys and she needs to be put in her place if you are not comfrotable with the way she handles things.

 

Maybe it does feel a little "awkward" BUT I do have to say (as a preschool teacher and parent) that IF she is "correcting" your child then it shouldn't really be a big deal. It would be different if she was spanking him or telling him he could not do something that he COULD or that he could do something that he cannot.

I don't think it's a big deal at all. It might feel funny at first, but I think it's a visceral reaction when someone is doing something they should not.

If it bothers you, say something.. It wouldn't bother me as I would probably not take it personally.

 

QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ May 31 2008, 01:22 PM) [snapback]802625[/snapback]
Yeah, I might say something nice like this, but more formal correction should be left to the parent, assuming s/he is present. The only exception I would make is at a playground if one kid is about to injure another kid. Then I will step in and say "no" more firmly. That's just a safety thing, though. (I mean things like throwing rocks or pushing people off play structures.)



I totally agree with the safety thing. I wish I was stronger in this area. I find that I'm scared to "correct" another child when they have put my child in harm's way, but I'm steaming on the inside. I will generally scoop them up and leave.

I am always VERBAL to my kids even if they don't understand me, I say it more for the other mom(s) so that they know I'm watching my kids and their actions towards others.

 

I would talk to the group about having a discussion on how to discipline when the group is together.. I do not like others telling my DD what to do unless she is putting herself or others in danger, kwim?

The only time i would discipline anothers child is if it was a very close friend and it was in my house. My House my rules..

I def would not go into someone elses house and discipline their children. I dont know their rules.

 

She sounds a bit high strung. I do that sometimes though.

We were at a party and the boys pulled out the tee-ball set. They were WHACKING the ball, well a girl walked in front of it and got hit in the head with the plastic bat. So I put the tee ball set in time out.

In our playgroup it seems like we all keep each others kids in line. There are always SO many kids that you might not be the one that sees your own child doing something.

If another child hits or kicks I ABSOLUTELY speak up. "We don't kick" and remove the other child from the vicinity. Taking them to cry on Mommy. So, I guess I do it to - but I hope I don't come across THAT intense!!

 

The way I read the first story in your post was that she was picking up where you left off. So you said "Honey don't take your shoes off" and she continued with it because maybe she didn't think you saw or didn't realize that you no longer cared that he was removing his shoes. As for the cars, I would TOTALLY do what she did because I would hate to see someone's furniture ruined because my kid started wacking the coffee table and another kid copied that. But maybe I'm a little high strung too.

I think you should talk to her about it if you are uncomfortable though. Like a pp, when we hang out with other kids its assumed you watch all the kids closest to you and redirect as needed (family and friends). I actually appreciate it if someone steps up to help me wrangle the girls if I'm momentarily distracted. But I would also appreciate it if a person was uncomfortable with this 'it take a village..' style, to say something to me. GL!

 

QUOTE(Leighann @ May 31 2008, 07:16 AM) [snapback]802680[/snapback]
The way I read the first story in your post was that she was picking up where you left off. So you said "Honey don't take your shoes off" and she continued with it because maybe she didn't think you saw or didn't realize that you no longer cared that he was removing his shoes. As for the cars, I would TOTALLY do what she did because I would hate to see someone's furniture ruined because my kid started wacking the coffee table and another kid copied that. But maybe I'm a little high strung too.

I think you should talk to her about it if you are uncomfortable though. Like a pp, when we hang out with other kids its assumed you watch all the kids closest to you and redirect as needed (family and friends). I actually appreciate it if someone steps up to help me wrangle the girls if I'm momentarily distracted. But I would also appreciate it if a person was uncomfortable with this 'it take a village..' style, to say something to me. GL!


This was my reaction too (and I even was going to post that whole village quote). I too appreciate all the help I can get. I have no problems with other people disciplining my kids, even for the small stuff.

 

QUOTE(Leighann @ May 31 2008, 10:16 AM) [snapback]802680[/snapback]
The way I read the first story in your post was that she was picking up where you left off. So you said "Honey don't take your shoes off" and she continued with it because maybe she didn't think you saw or didn't realize that you no longer cared that he was removing his shoes. As for the cars, I would TOTALLY do what she did because I would hate to see someone's furniture ruined because my kid started wacking the coffee table and another kid copied that. But maybe I'm a little high strung too.

I think you should talk to her about it if you are uncomfortable though. Like a pp, when we hang out with other kids its assumed you watch all the kids closest to you and redirect as needed (family and friends). I actually appreciate it if someone steps up to help me wrangle the girls if I'm momentarily distracted. But I would also appreciate it if a person was uncomfortable with this 'it take a village..' style, to say something to me. GL!



I look at it the same way. I don't mind if a friend says something to my kids. If a stranger did, then I might have a problem. When I am out with friends or at a playdate, I am perfectly comfortable with the other mom reminding my kids of something or telling them to stop if they are doing something dangerous.

 

Gosh, it really depends on the circle of friends etc. I have friends who we alwyas correct each other's kids and other's where I don't say a thing. No matter the cirlce, I tend to look to see if the parent is there and watching, if so then I never say a thing If the parent is chosing not to say anything and choosing to let the get away with poor behavior or whatever I try my best to not say anything. If the other parent is not aware of the situation and therefore doesn't know to say anything I will step in.

I also have a friend that is a lot more harsh than me and always corrects our kids in front of me. THat is just who she is and I see that as a life lesson for my kids. I never ask her to stop. I can tell you that my kids learned quickly what her expectations of behavior are and always very well behaved around her.

 

Ok, wow! I got a lot of great feed back...thank you, ladies! A lot of different opionions on how to deal with this situation. I see it both ways now, maybe I was being a little too sensitive to the situation....but, then I also see as she shouldn't be over stepping her boundries as well. I think I will observe another time and act as I feel. I don't hang out with her a lot but I do see her from time to time. I think if my ds is putting her ds in harms way (like pushing, shoving, etc..) then I will leave it be (that's if I don't catch my son doing it myself and she does first) but if it's something little and she is over reacting and not giving me the time to discipline first I might say something to her. I agree that if a kid is putting another kid in harms way and there is not parent around to discipline I feel that somebody needs to step in and say something. Regardless if it's not the childs parent. I've done that before where an older kid tried pushing my son out of the way and of course the mom was busy talking to another mom, and I had to step in and say something.


Thanks for your help everyone!

 

Just an FYI, as a mother of two in the same age range, I find that the "Don't take your shoe off because you'll get sand in your shoe and that's not nice and etc" does not work. I give a brief and direct "keep your shoes on". If I heard another mom saying that, I would be thinking internally, just be direct. I don't know that I would say anything. If you had gone off to the bathroom or something, yes, I would tell your child to keep his shoes on. Maybe with the banging cars she thought she was helping. I have taken away toys from my kids at other people's houses because they weren't playing nice. I even took the battery out of a particularly obnoxious toy at a friend's house that Ainsley was playing with because it was annoying everyone.

 

When I was growing up, my mom always had a "my house, my rules" policy when my friends were over. Nothing draconian, she just had the same expectations of them that she did of me. I think that's perfectly fair, and neither my friends nor their moms ever had a problem with it. I would be livid if another parent spanked my kid, but a reasonable verbal reprimand would be fine with me.

 

The thing that seems odd to me is that she corrected your child when you were standing right there and had already said something to him. I wouldn't have a problem with someone correcting my kids to protect someone from harm, or keep them from damaging something. Or if it was their house, their rules. Or if I couldn't see what was going on. But in a group situation, it seems weird that she is making and enforcing rules for all the kids when the other moms are right there.

OTOH, it probably doesn't bother your kids as much as it bothers you, and I'm not sure it's worth possibly upsetting the dynamics of the group by bringing it up. I might go with the "life lesson" idea too. They might as well learn that different adults behave in different ways.

I do correct other kids at the playground (strangers' kids), but only if I feel they are endangering or interfering with my kids in some way. For instance, Sarah and I went to a playground where there were a few slightly older (3-4 years) kids on the climbing structure, and one of them stood in the way and said, "She can't climb up here." I said (fairly pleasantly), "Oh yes she can, can you move out of the way please?" And he did. His mom was pretty close by but not necessarily paying attention. But if he had said that to one of his own friends, I would have ignored it.

 

QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ May 31 2008, 01:22 PM) [snapback]802625[/snapback]
Yeah, I might say something nice like this, but more formal correction should be left to the parent, assuming s/he is present. The only exception I would make is at a playground if one kid is about to injure another kid. Then I will step in and say "no" more firmly. That's just a safety thing, though. (I mean things like throwing rocks or pushing people off play structures.)

I've done that ...

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Jun 1 2008, 12:08 AM) [snapback]803514[/snapback]
The thing that seems odd to me is that she corrected your child when you were standing right there and had already said something to him.

That's what I was thinking too. I can remember being a kid and being just as afraid of my friends' parents as I was of my own (not "afraid" but just knew not to be disrespectful). But I cannot remember a time ever when my mother's friends reprimanded me when she was there. And the same goes for me and my friends. If I'm watching them, as a pp said, it's my house, my rules. But I'm fair and pretty easy going, so it takes a lot for me to reprimand someone else's child.

I would hope that if something was going on while I wasn't looking and/or not there, that someone would appropriately correct my kids. But if I'm standing right there, take care of your kid and I'll take care of mine. Because when I'm not there, I will tell my kids to follow the mom's rules just like they follow mine.

 

Yes it would bother me too. Especially since you were right there. Like all the other PPs have said, I would say something to another child if they were directly hurting or putting my child in harms way. For her to say "no, put your shoes on" in a harsh manner was outta line in my opinion. As for the boys banging the cars on the table, I have been in similar situations where I've told my children not to do something then had another child pick up what they were doing. I've never said anything to the other child if the mother is right there. I don't blame you one bit for being irritated.

 

If the playgroup was at my house and if the kids are doing something that they shouldn't be doing. I just say, No hitting, biting, or don't touch because it is not yours, please share, thanks in a nice tone. If I see a kid playing rough or whatever I would call the Mother and point and let her do the talking w/her kid. We all have moments when we forget that it is not "your kid".

However, I think she may have cross the line if she does it all the time. I have no idea how I would approach but maybe say.....Thanks for helping to tell my kid to put their shoes back on but I want them to listen to their Mommy, KWIM? (just give her a friendly smile).

I hope this helps!
D, w/Rianna and Justin