Moms of boys, I need your advice!

Jackson goes to a great school with great kids, and so far, any teasing he's had to endure has been rare and pretty mild. He's mainly had a problem with girls who do things that bother him, and he doesn't know how to make them stop. I've suggested telling them to stop, telling the teacher, etc., but even when he does that, they won't stop and he's intimidated.

Today, he came home crying and said he was trading Pokemon cards with his friends on the bus, and a first-grade girl (the little sister of one of Jackson's classmates, Cynthia) had traded a card with him but wanted it back. Jackson said "No way! No tradebacks!" and then everybody started yelling at him to give it back, and Cynthia bit him (there are no marks -- I assume she bit his coat) and a couple of 2nd graders hit him on the head with pencils. Granted, he REALLY overreacted to the situation when he got home (he's incredibly dramatic and was yelling and crying, "I'm the weakest 4th grader on the planet!!!! I'm just a big wimp!!!!!"), but what should I tell him to do?

All hitting, even in self-defense, is prohibited at school. If he were to be seen pushing these kids to get them off him, he would be the one that gets into trouble, including suspension. He has told the other kids to stop (they just laugh or say they don't care) and he's told his teachers before when girls bug him, but I don't think they take it too seriously (and who can blame them).

I told him that the next time Cynthia says anything about trading cards, he should tell her no way and tell her it's because she bit him. But he LOVES trading cards, and there aren't many kids who will do it. I told him if he wants to take his cards to school, he has to be prepared that some kids will be jerks, and that somebody might even just take his cards away from him entirely, simply because they feel like it. He said, "Well, then what's the use of being nice? If everybody else can be mean and not get in trouble, why can't I be mean?"

I tried to explain that mean kids don't have friends and aren't worth the time, but of course he said, "Lucas is mean and he has lots of friends, and he never gets in trouble!"

He doesn't like telling the teacher (although he has) because he's afraid the kids will get mad at him. So far, that hasn't happened.

So what do you do in situations like this? How do you teach your child to stand up for himself and not be pushed around, while still remaining nonphysical?

 

Well, my boys are not that old, but I have issues with Especially Mr. Caleb..... He is always being chased, "pulled apart", and wrestled with by the girls on recess.... Cody has taken the initiative to "PROTECT" his big brother and not let the girls do that. I have also told them that they need to tell the teacher that is out there when something happens that they know should not be taking place. If it has gotten to the point that he comes home crying, I would be making a phone call or at least sending an email to his teacher. They need to be aware of the situation from an adult and concerned parent perspective sometimes..... Hope that this helps...

 

Poor Jackson!

My boys are younger too, but I'm really interested in hearing what people have to say about this, since we're just starting to hear about similar situations from my boys.

Do the girls bother other boys? How do they handle it? Do the girls do it because it gets a big rise out of him?

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He said, "Well, then what's the use of being nice? If everybody else can be mean and not get in trouble, why can't I be mean?"


Good question.

I guess my only advice is to try and talk to Jackson about why he's nice or mean to people. How the two things make him feel. When my boys ask me questions I have no easy answer for (like Jackson's question I quoted), I usually ask them if they can think of any reasons to be nice? And any reasons to be mean? I started doing this because I hate it whenever I try to tell my husband about something and he immediately jumps to offering solutions. I just want him to listen, not fix it or tell me what I should do. And the same seems to be true for my boys. They usually come up with some good solutions when we brainstorm this way.

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(he's incredibly dramatic and was yelling and crying, "I'm the weakest 4th grader on the planet!!!! I'm just a big wimp!!!!!")
Jackson is obviously smart enough to understand the rules, but having a difficult time with how it makes him feel. Over the years, I've always been really impressed with how smart and responsible he is. He also sounds very sensitive, the way my Kiko is. I think he's venting to you because it's safe. My thinking is that he's smart enough to figure out a way through this, but will need your support along the way to also figure out his emotions.

My MIL is big on the "Parenting with Love and Logic" series of books. She has them all in her waiting room, and I read them while S&K are in speech therapy. Anyway, I just found that they have lots of their articles on line. Here is one about teaseproofing your kids. And this second one explains how to guide your child to solving their own problems (which was what came to mind when I first read your post):

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Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems
by Jim Fay

Love and Logic Step One:
Empathy.

* "How sad."
* "I bet that hurts."

Love and Logic Step Two:
Send the "Power Message."

* "What do you think you're going to do?"

Love and Logic Step Three:
Offer choices.

* "Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?"

At this point, offer a variety of choices that range from bad to good. It's usually best to start out with the poor choices.

Each time a choice is offered, go on to step four, forcing the youngster to state the consequence in his/her own words. This means that you will be going back and forth between Love and Logic steps three and four.

Love and Logic Step Four:
Have the child state the consequences.

* "And how will that work?"

Love and Logic Step Five:
Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem.

* "Good luck. I hope it works out."

Have no fear. If the child is fortunate enough to make a poor choice, he/she may have a double learning lesson.

 

We have had similiar problems with my older son who is now in 5th grade. Last year I finally ended up going to the school and talking to the teacher about what had happened. The teacher talked to the whole class and also the individuals that were causing the problem. She did not specifically name my son as being the tattletale, but had told them that she had heard from several people that there was a problem. The kids did let up on him after that. It is so hard having such a sensitive child. Fourth grade was a nightmare year for us, the good news is that so far 5th grade seems to be going better. Good luck and I hope the kids start leaving him alone.

 

I only have the girl perspective but we been dealing with some teasing with my oldest who is in 4th grade. She the shortest girl in her grade so some of the boys like to tease her a bit. I don't know if your school has a counselor but ours right now is having classes on how to be a good friend. Some kids were teasing Melody about being short and her feelings were hurt so the counselor told her just to tell them that they weren't being good friends and to turn and walk away. This worked for her. A good counselor can give them tips for their situation. I also think the Love and Logic is good. It helps them to learn to solve the problems on their own.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with when kids get into school is their emotional pain. As moms we just want them to be happy.

 

Julie, you are so right! I can't stand seeing his feelings hurt. Yesterday, I just wanted to drive over to Cynthia's house and give her a piece of my mind! Ridiculous, I know. But I remember so well how it felt to be teased, and it's awful. Jackson is just like I was -- innocent and goofy and open, afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of getting into trouble.

Ellen, thanks for the super info. I will definitely check out that book. I am horrible at this part of parenting. I am much more comfortable when I can protect them and be in control of everything that happens to them, and those days are over.

QUOTE
I started doing this because I hate it whenever I try to tell my husband about something and he immediately jumps to offering solutions. I just want him to listen, not fix it or tell me what I should do. And the same seems to be true for my boys. They usually come up with some good solutions when we brainstorm this way.


Oh my gosh, you have described me to a T. I am like your husband. When DH comes home after a bad day at work or a brutal board meeting (which happened again Tuesday night) -- my first response is to hear the facts and figure out at way to fix it so that he doesn't have to go through it anymore. And he tells me over and over, all he wants is for me to listen and agree with him. His idea of "supportive" is sympathy, loyalty, and agreement. My idea of "supportive" is to fix it. I really appreciate your insight.

And of course, I find myself reacting the same way to Jackson. He probably is looking for a hug and a shoulder to cry on, and my mind is way ahead, trying to figure out a game plan to make it all stop.

Thank you for the reality check. I feel like I should pay you for a therapy session.

 

QUOTE(Julie @ Nov 30 2007, 05:31 PM) [snapback]515550[/snapback]
I think one of the hardest things to deal with when kids get into school is their emotional pain. As moms we just want them to be happy.

So true

I'm so glad my suggestions/reflections were helpful, Amy. I hope other people will chime in too, because I definitely feel like I could use help with this too.

It's funny, Sam & Kiko are so different when it comes to this stuff. It all just rolls off Sam's back. He's very social, and doesn't rise at all to teasing. Just laughs right along or shrugs and turns his back. He makes friends at a drop of the hat. Kiko is so sensitive, and works really hard to figure it all out. He watches and wants to practice things he sees older kids doing (the way they laugh or things they say). He takes the teasing to heart and struggles to figure out the "rules" of the playground. I wish I knew just what it was that allows Sam to sail along the way he does. If only I could bottle it! I feel like Kiko is more like I was -- so my heart breaks for him and I want to protect him all the more because I remember just how it felt (heck, feels!) to try so hard and feel so insecure.

Anyway, let us know how it goes with Jackson

 

Oh, How I hear you!! I love Ellen's advice...and Julie, you captured the essential truth. The worst thing is to see our children in emotional pain!

I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don't. Like everyone else, I fly by the seat of my pants on this just like I do with many other parenting issues. I do try to reassure my kids that they are just wonderful as they are and to keep up being the best they can be.

The reality is that the nice guy often does not finish first and the meanie often does not get what he deserves. Life just isn't fair sometimes. But I try to remind my kids every day that being the best they can be and being as fair and peaceful and kind as they can manage will allow them to feel good about themselves, to feel proud of their grace under pressure, and to know that their example and input into this world of ours is helping to change the dynamic to a more peaceful and kind world for everyone.

The point isn't to find a way to be nice AND to avoid teasing. Jackson hit the nail on the head about that one (you can't do it...); I think the real point is to be a big enough person to do what's right and be the best you can be in spite of the teasing and meanness you experience from people who are less able than you are.