Mommy to be rant part 2

so i went to dinner tonight to celebrate DH's birthday at his parents house. fine. i went and was nice to everyone. DH's mother and father were fighting so no one was in a good mood at all....figures. i asked my SIL if she wanted to rub my belly and she rudely said "NO!"....and that was the last of the conversation with her.

during dinner everything was silent in my direction. every focus was on DH's sister and her upcoming wedding which is planned for 2010! meanwhile there is a pregnant woman with twins (me) at the table along with her middle child (my BIL) and his fiance who are getting married october of 2009. not one thing was mentioned about either of the events occuring in the NEAR future. no, just those of the favorite child. fine. i suffered through. i was feeling more so uncomfortable as i tend to do after i eat sicne i have a hard time breathing when i get full. i sat on the couch.

so as i sit on the sofa trying to get comfortable EVERYONE ignores me. yeah, ok i'm not the center of attention and nor should i be but come on, if a pregnant person is noticeably not feeling well wouldn't SOMEONE say something like, oh i don't know, "are you ok?". fine, i got over it no big deal.

now comes desert. well any type of smoke fumes bother me and my SIL lit a match to start lighting the candles on the cake. i immediately said something to the effect that the smell bothered me terribly but it didn't seem to matter as no one payed any attention to me and continued lighting the other candles. as soon as that wiff of smoke entered my nose i had to immediately get up from the table very quickly and walk away....did anyone notice and/or say anything? nope they just continued on their merry ways.

i stood in the hallway for a moment hoping that the smell would pass but it didn't, especially after DH blew out the candles. the smell was putrid and made me sick to the stomach. i told FIL (who was in the living room) that i would be outside if anyone was looking for me. 20 ******* minutes go by and not a soul in the world wondered where the hell i was or if i was ok. no they all just finished eating desert and DH found me outside on the deck when everything was done. but it gets worse.......

apparently, since i was no longer at the table, MIL took the opportunity to start mocking my name choice of River (AGAIN) and asked if we had come up with any middle names. DH had mentioned that we were thinking about the name Thomas and she said "good i will call him tommy instead" and went on to say "who in their right mind would name a child River? that is not a logical name". the reason i know this is because my future SIL told me after we left. my own BIL had an issue with it and said "no, why don't you call him RIVER?" as my future SIL said "i like the name" and what did my MIL do? roll her eyes and walk away.

now where was my husband and the father to River in all of this? sitting at the table passively ignoring what was happening and not defending the name of our child. DH is EXTREMELY passive when it comes to dealing with his mom and always says "that's just how she is, deal with it" but come on....hello, fatherly instinct?

sooooo when we got home i was BALLING my eyes out and told DH just to go to bed since he has to work a 24 hour shift tomorrow. however when i found out about all of this lovely "dinner" talk i woke him up to explain to him that i will no longer tolerate our son being made fun of by his own grandmother. yes River is a unique name and yes other people won't like but other people aren't this child's grandma. from what i recall grandmothers love you regardless of your name and don't make fun of you. instead they support, nuture and care for you. not refuse to call you by your given name.

so this is my plan of action....tomorrow i will call her and lay it all out on the table. i just won't put up with this **** any longer. if she doesn't like the name River, fine but she WILL call him by his FIRST name or she will not see him at all.....period, end of discussion. i'm sick of her making fun of him and am scared to death that when my sons are born she will continue to mock his name and refuse to acknowledge him as River. and what proof do i have that she will drop this whole thing once the babies arrive? I DON'T. that is why i have to stop this NOW rather than later.

will this put a damper on our already straind relationship? probably but at this point i could give a crap if this ***** rots in hell for all eternity. no person should be rewarded for mocking their childs offspring.

so now here i sit, fuming with rage wanting to pick up the phone and call the ***** NOW to get it off my chest or at best write a nice long e-mail that she probably wouldn't read until monday while she was at work. no instead i took my seroquel and am praying to god that it kicks in soon so that i can sleep and deal with this when i wake up. i do at least know that a phone conversation regarding this issue is far better than handling it over the internet.

now will DH back me up? who knows. really i don't. he says that as long as i am polite he will but as i know all to well i can be as nice as a rainbow to her and she will tell him that i was nothing but the epitomy of evil to her and he will undoubtedly side with her.....why? because it's his mother and when it comes to his mother my husband has no backbone!

sometimes i wonder how much of this i can tolerate. i mean, i love my husband dearly and charish him with every fiber of my being but when it comes to these situations it makes me doubt the strength of our bond. and right now i hate myself for even writing that down.

 

:hug: Kristine. I think the first thing you should do is cool off a bit. I know you are upset (understandably so), but maybe if you let the smoke clear a bit you will be able to see things a bit more clearly. Maybe take a couple of days to think things through before making any decisions out of anger/frustration. You don't want to say anything that you may regret down the road. I would sit down and have a serious conversation with your DH about how you guys want to go about this. Maybe it would be better if he approached her first, and see where things go from there. She is his mother. If you do end up talking to her about it, make sure your thoughts are well thought out and tactful, you don't want to stoop to her level.

Right now your top priority needs to be taking care of yourself and those babies. Everything else should be secondary. Getting upset and worked up is not good for your or your boys.

I am sorry that she is being so difficult, and I truly wish that you were not faced with this. Take it easy, and try and get some rest!! Good Luck!! :hug:

 

O honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard I know, but I agree with PP. You need to cool off and see things clearly without emotion. Plus, let DH handle this. This is his mother you're talking about. Have a serious conversation with DH and spell out your expectations.

When I have had to do this to my DH, I have had to speak to him without using much emotion. Just plain facts and how I was feeling.

Hugs,
Jenn

 

Just wanted to send a :hug:
Hopefully with time you are able to take what she says/does with a grain of salt - it is not worth the worry in the long run :hug;

 

You know I battled this FOREVER with my MIL. Being ignored (and moreso because she refuses to speak English to me) and she doesn't like DD's name so calls her by a nickname. I was furious like you at first but have since let it all go. I realized that while she cannot walk all over me, I cannot let her get to me. It took all my energy to worry about what she was saying and it would drive me mad. One day I just woke up and realized she will never change. I will put my foot down when it is important and other than that I will just go and do my "time" for my kid's sake and then go about my week.

It is super hard, I dealt with it for 6 yrs and worse for the first 13 months after the twinnies were born but it is much easier now that I just let what she says roll right off my back.

So I feel your pain. If you need to talk you can PM me.

 

Sorry that you need to deal with it. But I just understand one more time DO NOT SHARE the names untill babies are arrived.

 

YES i called. i waited until this morning after i woke up and called around 930 in the morning just like i told DH that i would. here is how it went down and keep in mind that i was COMPLETELY CALM, COLLECTED and all that other crap you should be when confronting someone. i was IN NO WAY THREATENING and did not once yell or raise my voice......

me: "hey do you have a minute"

MIL: "sure what's up"

me: "well firstly i just wanted to appologize for have to leave the table last night during desert. the smell of smoke severely irritates me so i just wanted to say i was sorry for that"

MIL: "oh really? ok"

me: "but i do want to talk to you about something"

MIL: "ok what is it"

me: "well i understand that when i left the table you were mocking river's name, making fun of it and refusing to call him by his first name"

MIL: "yes, i don't like the name. i am entitled to my opinion"

me: "that you are and i don't deny that but it is EXTREMELY hurtful to have my son being made fun of infront of either his father or i by his own grandmother"

MIL: "but river is not a name, it is a body of water. well i tell people the name they all look at me strangely. i do not like his name and he will undoubtedly get made fun of in school for having such a strange name"

me: "well that may be but river IS his name and you know something, even people with NORMAL names get made fun of. i went to school with someone named bob and you know what people called him? booby. so it happens to EVERYONE. if a child is going to poke fun at another child they will REGARDLESS of their name"

MIL: "true"

me: "i can take the backlass about the name river from anyone else in the world but when it comes from my sons grandmother, and call this motherly instinct, it hurts and it hurts deeply"

MIL: "i'm sorry but i just don't like the name"

me: "but his name will be river and you will call him by his first name NOT his middle name"

MIL: "what if i give him a nickname?"

me: "nicknames are FINE as long as you aren't using it because you refuse to call him river"

MIL: "river is just an odd name. when i was naming my children i wanted to make sure they had solid names, names that would give them every opportunity they wanted"

me: "river will have those same opportunities. like i said, kids make fun of EVERYTHING. i got made fun of and so did DH"

MIL: "it will just take me a long time to get used to calling him river. it's not a name, it's a body of water."

me: "that's fine and i understand that you don't like the name and are entitled to your opinions but these are my boys and i choose their names"

MIL: "well you know that i am an honest person and i say what is on my mind"

me: "yes i do and honesty is wonderful however there is a time when it is best to keep quiet so you don't upset someone or hurt there feelings"

MIL: "well everyone seems to hate me lately and thinks everything i say is wrong. i have to go" she started to cry and hung up the phone without me saying anything.

so there it is, basically word for word as to how the phone call went down. not once did i raise my voice with her. i simply stressed the feelings of hurt that i had about her blatently mocking her grandson and refusing to call him by his given name in the presence of DH or myself. she apologized, albiet very bitterly and i don't believe she meant it, but said she wouldn't do it anymore.

after i hung up the phone with her i called DH at work to tell him what i did so that he was aware of what was going on. i told him this same story about how my tone was nice and calm and that i was polite and that she cried and hung up. he said "i'm sick of everyone acting like a 3 year old" and i said "who me?" and he said "no mom for hanging up". basically he is sick and tired of hearing me and my future SIL complain about how negative his mother is and thinks that everyone just needs to deal with her as she is.

well fine. she can treat me how she likes, i have come to that conclusion and have been OK with that for months. if she wants to treat me like **** that's fine but she WILL NOT get away with doing anything that i find offensive to my children whether they are physically here yet or not. my children will be raised in an extremely positive manner and will be told that they have the power to accomplish anything they want if they set their minds to it.

i will not sit back and be told, indirectly, that i am a bad parent because i am giving my son a unique name. and most likely when my kid enters grade school a lot of the kids will have unique names. people just aren't giving their kid the names of john, mary and sam anymore. people are naming their children things that are different so they stand out and are automatically unique individuals.

so yeah, there it all sits. she will sob and cry and twist my VERY CALM conversation around to fit her need for attention and always being right to my SIL and probably to DH and to my BIL. but at this point i don't care. i was NOT in the wrong and i did what i felt i had to do to put an end to the mockery of MY SON.

 

Just a note. One of my DH's good friends is named 'River'. I don't think it's a bad name. She'll get over it in due time. You have to also understand that a lot of older people don't like 'unique' things - especially names.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. I'm also glad that you were also able to vent and let it all out. Make sure you take care of yourself and try not to get yourself so worked up that you feel sick

 

I think you did a great job at keeping a cool conversation. I admire you for standing up to her, too often people can just feel like they can "say what they want and get away with it" as if you were not going to find out she was making fun of the name while you were gone. I have noticed that when people get married and again when they have their first child (worse for the first grandchild) there can be a bit of a "pissing" match especially when the MIL has had so much CONTROL over her son. Often men will marry a woman who is strong-willed (please take no offence to that) I think in a way to deal with their previous controlling mother. Sort of wanting their wife to protect them. (ok I'm a budding psychologist hehe)

I personally feel it is important to remind some in-laws and even some parents of what the boundaries are. It seems like the earlier it happens the less problems there are later on. Otherwise they continue to try to tell you how to deal with YOUR children and in a negative / non-supportive way. It really is about RESPECT. I'm sure your MIL would not have allowed herself to be treated that way by her MIL when she had HER children !!!!

So I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your family and proud of you for doing so in a respectful manner.

heather

 

thank you for that. DH was not happy about it though. to him his mother will ALWAYS come first. i think in reality if something negative should be said by ANYONE (MIL included) to the boys directly or indirectly once they are finally HERE DH will stand up for them and back me up. right now they are still these "things" growing in my belly that he has yet to fully bond with.

i talked to DH on the phone for a VERY brief moment and he was NOT happy with me about the conversation i had with his mom. basically (i believe - as is the case MOST of the time) that she twisted thigns around and made it come across that i was being rude to her and making her feel as though i have wanted nothing to do with her, hate her and don't want my boys to spend any time with her at all. NONE of this is true and is just her mind going crazy thinking that my future sister in law and i are "ganging up on her" when in reality we are venting about the things we dislike (as most HEALTHY people do with people they can relate to).

after i hung up the phone with DH i was FUMING so i called his mother to set everything straight. i can't stand to go to bed angry and surely can't stand to have things unresolved (and tonight it's harder because DH is on shift and i can't talk to him at this very moment). i talked to his mom and I APPOLOGIZED for anything that i may have said that may have come across as rude or insensitive. she accepted and said she respected the fact that i called at all rather than letting things vent further. we then talked about my future sister in law and how her and i like to vent to eachotehr about things that have happened in the past and how her actions have affected us. she INSISTS that we are out to get her and hate her and that it is MY FAULT that my future SIL doesn't like her and/or won't get along with her. she just kept saying "i hear such and such" and i just reminded her that heresay is not fact. she doesn't know what she is talking about. i then reminded her that it took her and i EIGHT YEARS before we could communicate in a calm manner with eachother. that she shouldn't and can't expect for her and her son's future wife to get along right away and that yes things WILL suck for the next couple of years. because you are right it is a "pissing contest" between the wife and the MIL. sons will always (in my experience) stick up for their mom regardless of them being right or wrong simply because it is their mother. daughters on the other hand (in my experience again) can walk away from mom in a heart beat and not think twice about putting their spouse over their parents.

so long story short i talk to my dreaded MIL and hashed some crap out. i reminded her that i AM pregnant and do have LOADS of hormones raging through my body and there is a reason why i haven't been as involved with the family as i had been previously. i also reminded her of the fact that i have been off of my mental health medication for 4 months (i am diagnosed bipolar) and have been running the gamut with manic and depressive episodes and have had an EXTREMELY rough pregnancy thus far. i even admitted to her (just to stress the severity of how hard this pregnancy has been on me) that the thought of having me committed has crossed not only my mind but that of my mothers as well. so i think NOW she understands why i have been acting the way i have and why i REFUSE to attempt another pregnancy. i know that each pregnancy is different and there is a slight chance that if i got pregnant again it would be a breeze but i don't want to push that envelope and run that risk that it could be just as bad as this one. no, if DH and i want more children after the twins get her we will adopt. pregnancy is not a healthy thing for me and i'm doing my best to keep my boys cooking as long and as comfortably as possible.

so that's that. probably more information than needed but i'm lonely as all heck at the moment and needed to talk about what just happened.

despite how mad DH got at me for bringing up the issue with River's name i am PROUD of what i did this morning in defending my son.

 

As a side note, I really like the name River! We seriously considered it for our twinnies but ended up using Banjo and Griffen instead. Yes we get some strange looks but it is made up for by the people who get really excited because they love our boys names.
I hope the honest dialogue with your mother in law has cleared the air somewhat. I mostly get along by ignoring my MIL 90% of the time. I WISH i could stand up to her like you have done, but she wouldn't listen anyway.

 

:hug: I, personally, would ignore her and anyone who bothered me while I was pregnant. I ignored a SIL because she was so jealous of me she would lie to everyone and say the babies were not my DH's! I would get so mad, I would start to contract. I avoided her and after they were born I told her off and still do not speak to her not even at a family function. She still says she doesnt think they are DH, even tho they look just like him and everyone says all my kids look alike. GRRRRRRRRRRR! Good for you for standing up for not only your babies but yourself!

I like the name River.

 

I think you handled the situation well. It's so hard when you ARE so hormonal. I think letting her know that your ds's name is River and she can call him River whether she likes it or not is a good thing. I think crying and hanging up the phone is her way of ending a convo that she didn't like... OH WELL

 

It sounds like you handled the conversations well. From someone who has been down this road before, I can't resist some advice that I'm sure you don't want to hear (I know I didn't at the time). This woman IS the mother of your husband. She IS always going to be a part of your life. I don't think I'd want anything to do with a man who would disown his mother just because she didn't always get along with his wife. I'm not saying that she is right in her behavior, but she is a part of your children's lives. And, what's more, she is one of the few people in the world who will love your children as much as you do. And your children will love her, even if you don't always.

I guess I don't see it as her making fun of your son. She is saying she doesn't like the name you have chosen. And yes, it's none of her business, and she should call him by his name, but it's just her opinion. People told me that my son's name (Jack Rodman) sounded like a porn star, but I named him that anyway, and I don't think it's been a problem. Quite frankly, the last name Rodman is enough to make fun of!

I just think maybe you are expecting too much of her, of your husband, etc. Even the smoke thing - it's candles on a birthday cake, not chain smoking in front of you.

I just think it's important to remember that the MIL is not someone you have to beat. She's someone you have to live with. You don't have to like her or her choices, and you should stand up for yourself, but you should never ask your husband to choose IMO. And, for what's it's worth, the more mature and understanding you are, the easier it is for him to stand up for you when it matters.

Sorry. I know you just wanted :hug: but I feel that I would have been spared a lot of heartache had I learned this sooner.

 

I understand the pp -- there is one book called "girlfriend's guide to the first year" and in it she mentions about how your in-laws would go into a burning building to save your children and it is this kind of unconditional love you want around your kids. So I see that side.

But sometimes when you do stand up to people (family) and do it in a respectful manner they do end up changing how they treat you and the relationship can improve for the better. Sometimes ignoring things, or taking the quiet way out doesn't solve anything. It takes more to address an issue and deal with it and despite the initial pain of hurt feelings I just wonder if it can improve communication sometimes. I guess I wouldn't want my kids to hear my in-laws putting me down -- which could happen if that type of relationship was allowed to continue.

Heather

 

I think you handled the conversations quite well and it sounds like something that needed to be said to her. I also think letting her know how hard this has been for you can only help. I'm sorry you have to deal with a MIL that sees you and your SIL as competition. It shouldn't be that way. Can you limit your contact with her for now? At least until the boys are here and you can get yourself leveled back out? It would be so much easier to deal with her then. I don't mean be rude about it or even go out of your way to avoid her, maybe just use the pregnancy as an excuse not to be around as much.

Also, can you talk to DH some about what would be the point where he would confront her. He's probably right that often confronting her wouldn't change a thing and would just cause more of a blow up. I'm guessing he's set his boundaries with his mother from past experience. Maybe if he shared some of that with you, it would make you more comfortable with his passiveness.

To you those are already your babies and those are their names. You probably talk to them and about them with those names. Just keep in mind that no one else has made that level of connection yet with them or with those names. I'm sure she never once thought of it as insulting your babies, just your name choices.

Hang in there and take care of yourself above all and try not to let her get to you.

 

Okay, I'm going to respond honestly because I think you're looking for input (and that's why you posted here). I hope you won't be offended by my response.

It sounds like you don't have a tonne in common with your in-laws, aside from the fact that you all love your husband. Why are you so worried about whether or not they pay attention to you and your comfort? If I were you, I'd probably be happy to fade into the background at family gatherings with a bunch of people who don't have anything positive to say. Who cares if they talk about you and your baby during dinner? Honestly, these people don't have things to say that you enjoy hearing anyway! Who cares if they don't notice if you go to the sofa for a breather? Enjoy the peace! And as for the smell of the candles - well birthday cakes involve candles. I know your nose is sensitive, especially when pregnant but can you honestly expect people NOT to do candles on a birthday cake at a family party for the sake of your nose? I probably would have stepped back and then breathed out of my mouth for a while.

As for your husband, it sounds like he accepts his family members for who they are even though he may not like the way they talk and relate to each other. It doesn't sound like they're going to change, and it sounds like he has accepted this after years of observing them. I don't think your husband is going to change. I think you're going to have to set up contact with them on your terms - i.e. short visits ("Sorry we can't make it for dinner but we'll be by for cake and coffee - we can't wait to see you. I'm only sorry we can't stay too long - we have someone coming over at 8:00." for example.) and smile while you're there for your husband's sake. Take great pleasure in the company you DO enjoy, like your own family or close friends and just be pleasantly tolerant of your in-laws, for the sake of your husband.

As for your choice of name, I've been there. You know what I say? "Oh I'm sure you're going to fall completely in love with the baby and her name as soon as you lay your eyes on your grand-daughter. She's going to be such a blessing!" and I leave it at that. My family doesn't like the name "Noelle" we have chosen for our daughter. Who cares! I like it and that's why I chose it!

Anyway, I hope I didn't come across as harsh. I understand you're having a hard time. I just think in-law struggles are a part of life and people get set in their ways - better to make the most of an unchangeable situation. I wouldn't call your MIL in anger - I think it's wasted energy and will probably just lead to a bigger drama (with no resolution).

 

I just want to clarify that I'm not trying at all to be harsh (not that anyone said I was). I really have been there, and I have 14 years of dealing with inlaws under my belt. At some point, you just learn what you can change and what you can't. And remember, they are not ALL bad. They raised the man you love.