Mommy Emotions...

Okay, so i'm exhausted and emotional from lack of sleep but i wanted to get this off my chest....

when we started thinking about having kids I day dreamed about an amazing vaginal delivery, breastfeeding my baby in the rocker peacefully inthe middle of the night, lots of cuddling and mommy/baby bonding etc...

what happened was a spontaneous twin pregnancy, a c-section d/t Baby A was breach, and hours of pumping b/c girls won't BF. and I don't feel like i have any time or energy to cuddle with either one.

In a way, I can't help but feel like I was cheated out of the joys of a single pregancy, delivery, and infant. These are probably the only children we will have and sometimes I think it's not fair I'll never know what a single baby is like. Has anyone else felt this way?

 

I was just talking to my friend about this last night. She has a son the same age as my girls, and although i wouldnt give them up for the world, sometimes i wish i could just be able to grab one up and carry her around and play with her and not feel guilty. it seems like the other one is looking at me like "hey what about me?"

I think that these thoughts and emotions are normal. it doesnt mean you love your children any less or feel any less blessed, IMO

 

:lol: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I had those same thoughts. when I got used to the idea that I'm going to have twins I actually thought it wouldn't be so bad. I pictured my SO and I each holding one and laughing and having fun.

All we did the first month was bark and snap at eachother from lack of sleep and trying to do too much or me doing more and getting irritated.

Now we get along more now that we get more sleep and can now manage both at the same time.

 

QUOTE(lindsay084 @ May 15 2008, 02:07 PM) [snapback]775501[/snapback]
I was just talking to my friend about this last night. She has a son the same age as my girls, and although i wouldnt give them up for the world, sometimes i wish i could just be able to grab one up and carry her around and play with her and not feel guilty. it seems like the other one is looking at me like "hey what about me?"

I think that these thoughts and emotions are normal. it doesnt mean you love your children any less or feel any less blessed, IMO


I know that look, I hate that!

One look I get sometimes now that they are getting older. Is that when SO has one twin and I have the other, he's over there playing with DD and getting her to laugh and giggle. I'm just to tired to play like that so DS will look at me, then look at dad and look back at me. Like he's saying "you're boring, I wanna play with dad"

 

Liz, I can totally relate! We had tried to have kids for so long we were ecstatic when we found out we were having twins. However, every day I can't wait to go back to work because I am so exhausted. I took off 2 1/2 months thinking it would be the best time ever, but I can't help sometimes thinking it would have been so much better having just 1 at a time. I would still want both but just not together. ONe of my grils is pretty laid back but the other one is higher mainenance. I love getting out of the house and it's hard by myself to take them both, especially since they are getting bigger. I can't take them both to the store at once. I can only take them to friends homes during the day or to my office to visit because someone can help me once I get there.

It's so hard taking care of 2 newborns - I had no idea. I can imagine 1 would be a piece of cake after this. I almost want another one in a few years to be able to experience taking care of one at one time. Of course if we had to do IVF again, I'd just say transfer only 1 in - I'd not take the chance of 2 at one time again. On the other side of things, I know that once they get older they will have a friend they can always play with so that will be nice. and I can't wait to see them do that!

I do love my girls so much and when I'm just gone for an hour or two I miss them both so much. I think going back to work will make all the difference in the world for me because I will have a break. Are you going back to work or staying home?

Hang in there - we're in this crazy ride together!! When family or friends want to help out - let them! I've also just taken one at a time with me and left the other one with my dh.

 

I don't know that I felt the same exact way, but the guilt of not enjoying them was there. It is so hard in the first year, and adding another baby to the mix makes it that much harder. :hug99:

 

Oh yes. I know what you mean. I feel guilty when I say it, but it doesn't mean I don't love my children or that I am not grateful for them. I just sometimes feel like we were all cheated a little bit. They were cheated of having my undivided attention and I was cheated from being able to do that...give them my all. BUT, I will say, that the older my kids get, the more they interact and they really do love one another. It makes it easier.

 

I know exactly, well, mainly, how you feel, but I had a singleton first. I kept comparing the twins to my singleton, and feeling like I was cheating them. Those first few months, I was SO busy just surviving that I felt like I missed out a lot. But there are so many joys that happen with twins, I am now feeling a little sorry for my singleton that she isn't a twin to share these special times with. But I think I understand your feelings. :hug99:

Now, I have one telling me "I love you" while the other is hugging me tightly. It's different. Better in some ways, worse in others. Harder in some ways, easier in others. I don't think it's bad to have these feelings. But I think they might change, or lessen, once yours get a little older and things get a little easier.

 

I think that you are entitled to your emotions, whatever they are. They are YOURS and no one elses. I had a terrible time the first few months with exhaustion and guilt and noone could have prepared me for any of it (preemies, NICU, not sleeping at night, pumping due to no latch, making time for my 2 year old, etc). I think the sleep deprivation is the main contributer and things just work off of that, KWIM? Everything seemed like a mountain instead of just a hill.

I am sorry that you are having a rough time. But I bet in a few months when they and you start sleeping and you start getting into a groove your feelings may change. :hug99:

 

No. I have never once felt that way. I don't feel cheated at all, I have two incredibly healthy, beautiful babies. Some people don't even get to take home one healthy baby let alone TWO.

 

I understand what you are saying about the perfect dream not matching up with the reality. It may take some time to adjust to your reality but I think it will all come together for you. Your babes are still pretty young..it might take some time but soon you will be experiencing double the joy rather than just feeling exhausted.

I have to say too...your dream of a singleton may not match up to the reality of the situation either. You just never know what issues there will be.

 

Being a twin mom is like going through bootcamp on top of another bootcamp on top of no sleep. No one can understand how difficult it is until they experience it. The first few months you are getting to know these new little people and learning how to be a mom. Give yourself a break for any "negative" feelings you may be having. Whether we acknowledge them, we've ALL had them. You are a good mom for recognizing them and wanting to be the best you can be. Sounds like you need a break. Maybe ask a friend or relative to watch them while you go to the mall, a spa or just out for a walk...it can really help!

 

We knew this was going to be our last baby, and I was a little upset when I found out it was twins, because we couldn't have a homebirth, and I haven't been able to enjoy them in the same way that I would have been able to with just one baby. That being said, there are also things that I really love about having twins (especially now that they can interact with each other) that I wouldn't have had with just one baby. Also, the first few months can be absolutely draining. You will make it through, and it will get better!

 

Things are so hard those first few months. Give it some time and things will seem so much better

 

I have felt that way many times and at 7 months still have moments. My DH and I agree we will be setting mommy and daddy dates in the future where we take one child out for just mom or dad time and vice versa. It is hard having multiple. Then again having any baby is hard. The best things my boys give me that no sinleton can is perspective. While one may be terribly fussy the other is smiling. I know its not all that bad all the time.

 

I know exactly how you feel and have posted such over the past few months. YOu are in survival mode, and no one could have prepared you for what you are going through. Try to get sleep where you can, try to get out of the house and get a break whenever possible. I found for me things got better when we got both day and nighttime help. So, now I get some sleep and I can go for walks or the mall (albeit for only an hour at a time), but at least it is better then nothing.

It does get better, I remember people saying those things to me to and that was also hard. I use to watch the clock all the time and wish the babies were older, wish they were smiling, wish they knew I was even alive, but it does come, and the only thing you can do is just to get through the next while.

I also have single-baby envy, I imagined going for walks, taking my baby to parent and tot swim classes or to the library - things that are very hard with two babies. I know how you feel, I have been there, and still am on some days. Feel free to send me a message if you want to chat.

 

I have often felt that way as well, particularly regarding the birth. I was able to have a vaginal birth, but it was in the OR and I had to have an epidural at the last minute to do a breech extraction. My mom was not allowed to be with me and it turned into a traumatic experience rather than the empowering experience I have always envisioned. I sometimes feel really guilty that my babies don't get my undivided attention- I see my friends carry their singletons around and it seems so simple and natural, unlike the awkwardness of me trying to get my two out and about in one piece, trying to give each the love and attention they deserve. As they get older though I am noticing how much they enjoy looking at each other and touching each other's faces while they nurse and I think it is really cool that they are able to have the experience of being a twin. You are not alone in how you feel, but just remember that things will get better and there will be amazing times ahead that singleton parents will never get to experience.

 

I think that you are definitely in the thick of it and it seems to be never ending at times. We all have our thoughts of the perfect pregnancy and birth and home care and then when it is different we feel things we never thought we would feel. It doesnt make you a bad person at all. In a few months you will not feel this way and you will look at them and think that you are the luckiest person because you have two and they have each other. The best advice I ever got from another twin mom is to be open minded. I thought I would bf for a year and nothing else and was so set on it so when it ended at 3 months I felt just aweful. She said just what I did above and that made me feel better. HTH

 

I could have written that post last summer! It is REALLY hard for the first months. Everyone is getting used to everyone else. Some days my Grandmother would come over just so I could sleep!I felt cheated out of being a "normal" mom! Now that my girls are almost a year old I almost forget how hard and stressful those first few months were. It gets better! I promise! Hang in there!

 

thank you everyone for your support... I DO know how lucky we are, and i am SOOOO looking forward to when they get a little older and can smile at me, and eachother I will go back to work part time at 3 months while my mom watches them. It's hard to imagine a time when i'll feel rested... but I'll look forward to that time to keep going

 

it is stressful, and being deprived of sleep doesnt help.
I'm so lucky to live with 4 other people who help out, so all pressure isnt put on myself doing everything, we all take turns of doing the cleaning, washing ect.
the boys get far to many cuddles, sometimes i feel they are deprived of sleep too, because of the house love.

I think its easier to think of the negatives in a situation like this, but if you look a little harder there are always so many more positives, just focus on them as much as you can.

 

Yes, I too feel that way often. While I am grateful for two healthy babies- it has been so terribly hard that sometimes I wonder if I would be feeling "better" or more rested or happier due to less stress if I only had one. Then, once I think that- I am overwhelmed with guilt and fear that if something ever happened to one of them- it would be almost like I am "asking" for it. Very complicated emotions- but things are getting better as they get older. Good luck, hang in there- the joys and benefits get better and better!

 

QUOTE(1stTimeMom26 @ May 15 2008, 04:59 PM) [snapback]775485[/snapback]
Okay, so i'm exhausted and emotional from lack of sleep but i wanted to get this off my chest....

when we started thinking about having kids I day dreamed about an amazing vaginal delivery, breastfeeding my baby in the rocker peacefully inthe middle of the night, lots of cuddling and mommy/baby bonding etc...

what happened was a spontaneous twin pregnancy, a c-section d/t Baby A was breach, and hours of pumping b/c girls won't BF. and I don't feel like i have any time or energy to cuddle with either one.

In a way, I can't help but feel like I was cheated out of the joys of a single pregancy, delivery, and infant. These are probably the only children we will have and sometimes I think it's not fair I'll never know what a single baby is like. Has anyone else felt this way?


Absolutely! Mine are 4 months and they are all we will have in children. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one and how much easier it must be. There are days where I am too pooped to play, cuddle or even talk. I feel guilty at times for not being able to do so, to have to hold the one that is having a fit while the other one sits there.
I think, or hope, that this is a normal feeling.

 

My girls are 10 months and going through MAJOR stranger and separation anxiety. The Ped has said that they are pretty much the fussiest babies she has ever taken care of (they were both colicky). She called their stranger anxiety "extreme" and said that Meredith's cry was the most panicked she had ever heard a baby sound. I feel like we have been through **** and back raising these girls. That is all said out of love and I get so sad thinking about weaning or them turning one ... ah, and men say we are hard to understand! =) She repeatedly tells me that she doesn't know how I do it ... as I have them screaming and hyperventilating one on each knee through the whole MD appointment ... and my husband works A LOT and has NO control over his schedule (medical resident ... aka peon). All that being said ... obviously ... my life would be over if anything happened to either one of them and I wouldn't change a thing because they are who they are and I love, love, love them ... BUT I have had the single baby dream before. I have a friend who had a single baby at 41 weeks ... and through hearing about their day and how he is sleeping ... I realize JUST how hard it was to have two preemies as opposed to one full term baby. I feel very pulled ... especially now with the sep anxiety ... and how they are both crawling to me and reaching up to me all the time ... I feel like I can't give either the care and attention that she deserves. Anyway, I digress ... just wanted to say that I totally understand ... AND to give you a pat on the back and say IT DOES GET EASIER! I wouldn't relive the first 4-5 months again for anything! My husband and I both say we would cry if we found out we were having twins again!