I am, and have always been, so very grateful to my MIL as she´s helped us out so much since the twins were born both by being here and financially. However, she is starting to rub me up the wrong way again. Basically she retired a year ago (she´s 60) as she knew I was pg with twins. They have now become her new hobby and she smothers them and has even admitted to seeing them as her own children which REALLY bothers me. Lately, I feel like Im going to explode. I dont allow DS to play with the highchairs as he is capable of tipping them over onto him but she lets him and doesnt say "no". She runs to them when they make the slightest peek, which I do not do. She makes them drink their milk in the morning and feels like she needs a medal for doing so (I dont make them and give them yogurt) and she is somewhat jealous of the girl who helps me everyday "the babies love her more than me!" This behaviour is driving me NUTS and as DH is away I feel trapped. She doesnt live in my city - thank god - but comes here quite a lot. She doesnt treat them as her grandchildren as such. My mum is here at the moment and when she saw how MIL was with the babies, she had to walk away as it was just so over the top. We christened the babies last weekend and my family were just stunned at how MIL and her sister took possession of our LOs (I missed this). You´d think that after spending so much time with them that she´d know how to soothe them, but she doesnt have a clue and pays no attention to me. She has practically taken away DS from me and I feel that everytime she comes that I have to fight for my kids´attention, although they know perfectly well who their mother is. Am I being stupid? Anyone else have a well-meaning MIL but who is also overbearing? Thanks for reading my rant!
Got one here. :wavey: She has totally taken my DD over. Whenever she is around I become this "nobody". I am VERY thankful for all she has done. She helps me more than my own mother does when she is around. My mom just looks at it as these are your babies you need to take care of them. She will help if I ask. MIL comes in and takes over. Has always done this since DD was a baby. But as I didn't need much help with her until I went on bedrest while pregnant with the boys, that I didn't realize it. She and my mom both took turns either coming to stay with us for a week and then the next week they would take Savannah with them. This was a really hard time for me because I am somewhat of a control freak. well they formed a bond which I am happy about but now almost a year later I am still fighting the battle of if MIL is around Savannah looks to her for eveyrthing. Making her food, bathing her, taking care of booboos to even if I get on to her she turns to her Granne. When it comes to the boys she doesn't seem to make as much of an effort to take them over but I am worried it will happen. I think alot of this from myMIL's perspective is DH is an only child and MIL has said a few times that she didn't realize what she was missing by not having a daughter until Svannah was born. I know this doesn't help much but just know that you arenot the only one out there struggling with this.
I don't have a MIL or a Mom like this either. I'm sorry that you are going through this with her now :hug:
This is the way my own mother is! My mom has even messed up and called my daughter "her daughter". When she got her first boo-boo she practically tried to pull her from my arms to help soothe her. I turned away from her and said, "No, she's mine. I'll take care of it!" Just things like that that drive me crazy. I think we spend way too much time over at Grandma's house and so I've been cutting back. It's such a show when we leave...my daughter screams and cries. She clings to grandma more than she clings to me. It makes me sad. I'm wondering what it will be like with the twins. I know things have to change. It's not a healthy relationship.
Thankfully my MIL is not like that. She is very helpful but we only see her once every 6-8 weeks b/c she lives out of state. My mother is not like that either, although when she is over here, she still does not know how to soothe them. She also helps me out a lot, with the girls and finanically, for which I am very grateful. but some things really irk me. For example, when we are out and somebody complements the babies, she is first to say 'thank-you' (oK, I know she is indirectly responsible for the 'cute' babies, but they are mine!!) and when someone has a question she just takes over the conversation immediately as if I wasn't even there. And when a friend brought over some used clothes, she kept thanking them as if I couldn't. Now these are all petty things and I wish I didn't get frustrated with her. But if I was in your shoes, I would be fuming!! Is this something that you can talk to DH about once he gets home?
You are describing my sister!!! I used to live down the street from her and actually sold my house, because I felt like she was taking over my son. She would come over every single day and would get soooo wrapped up in him that if you would try to speak to her she would not even hear you! I have no advise as I am still dealing with the same thing. My sister still calls me everyday from her job to speak to my son. I just wanted to let you know that I KNOW what you are going through!! QUOTE(Rach28 @ May 15 2009, 04:06 AM) [snapback]1314657[/snapback] I am, and have always been, so very grateful to my MIL as she´s helped us out so much since the twins were born both by being here and financially. However, she is starting to rub me up the wrong way again. Basically she retired a year ago (she´s 60) as she knew I was pg with twins. They have now become her new hobby and she smothers them and has even admitted to seeing them as her own children which REALLY bothers me. Lately, I feel like Im going to explode. I dont allow DS to play with the highchairs as he is capable of tipping them over onto him but she lets him and doesnt say "no". She runs to them when they make the slightest peek, which I do not do. She makes them drink their milk in the morning and feels like she needs a medal for doing so (I dont make them and give them yogurt) and she is somewhat jealous of the girl who helps me everyday "the babies love her more than me!" This behaviour is driving me NUTS and as DH is away I feel trapped. She doesnt live in my city - thank god - but comes here quite a lot. She doesnt treat them as her grandchildren as such. My mum is here at the moment and when she saw how MIL was with the babies, she had to walk away as it was just so over the top. We christened the babies last weekend and my family were just stunned at how MIL and her sister took possession of our LOs (I missed this). You´d think that after spending so much time with them that she´d know how to soothe them, but she doesnt have a clue and pays no attention to me. She has practically taken away DS from me and I feel that everytime she comes that I have to fight for my kids´attention, although they know perfectly well who their mother is. Am I being stupid? Anyone else have a well-meaning MIL but who is also overbearing? Thanks for reading my rant!
I too have a well meaning but overbearing MIL. However, I don't deal with her quite as often as I live about 40 miles away. Just try to be patient. Hang in there!
I'm right there with you except it is my MOM LOL, she is just plain crazy, now other way to describe her. I posted about it on her a few month back. I had to limit the time she could come over and visit to the weedends after 12 because it was getting out of control. The thing with my mom is that her and my father do not have a good relationship so she has made me and my bother the center of her life. Now that we are grow she is lost. I'm the first one to have grandkids so I think she was hoping that this would fill her void. She was popping in after work, on her lunch break and first thing in the mornings on the weekend. As you know having two young babies your not always dressed and ready to roll first thing on a saturday morning let alone ready to entertain people. I told her to call first before coming and her idea of calling was I'm in the driveway can I come, well what are you going to say at that point. So then I figured I better nip this in the but, before she becomes used to making them the center of her life and when the get older and school starts I do not want it interfering with them being able to get into a good routing with dinner, homework and bath and what not. She would get way to used to being able to pop in and out that it would be harder to stop down the road. When she is here it is like I'm not even here. I try to talk to her, but she is so engrossed with the babies that she barely listens to me. She calls me every day and asks if I need anything so she will have a reason to stop by. Its funny because I live with my MIL and she is a very take charge person and helps out alot, but when it comes to the grandkids she doesn't dote on them like my mom. She picks them up holds them for a few mins and lets them play by themselves. Where as my mom doesn't put them down. My mom always makes comments like oh be careful, I think they are cold blah and it drives me crazy, now I just give her a look and she usually stops. Every weekend she has to bring them clothes and toy, which is nice since it saves us money, but I am hoping it doesn't create a behavior when they get older and realize. It is like she has to compete with my MIL since she thinks spend money on clothes and toy is a waste and to save it for college. My mom is so jealous that we live with my MIL that it is like she is trying to win them by buying them stuff so maybe the kids will favor her downs the road. I could write a book on my mom. I love her to death even though she drives me crazy. It is sad that I have to set boundaries so she will not become obsessed. She even calls them "her boys" which drives me crazy. Could you have your DH talk to your MIL so set some boundaries? I really do not have any advice as I struggle with this every day. My DH and I just try to make a joke out of it to keep us from going insane. I do think it is hard for grandparent to learn their role as they are so used to being the parent and they have so much free time after they are done raising their own kids. I just say to myself that I hope I do better for my children and that I am not the dreaded MOM/MIL lol. I wish I could give you more advice. Maybe write her a letter so that you can get all your thoughts out without getting into a fight.
Thanks girls for all your words of advice and support. It´s good to know Im not alone. :grouphug: I had a few words with MIL yesterday morning before she left. I just couldnt take the smothering anymore and I said that the babies need to learn to play on their own and cant be with us all the time. I went to the lounge and found DS in her arms as she was trying to feed DD, I was horrified! I never do that! He was demanding attention. She insulted me a little by asking "Do you leave DS to crawl around in the lounge unsupervised then? You shouldnt do that!" to which she got a pretty dirty look and a polite answer that said do you think Im stupid! I obviously took the air out of her balloon and she got up and walked out of the lounge. I didnt care. I wasnt rude or insulting towards her but I had to say something as she just doesnt leave them alone and they cry when we leave the room due to it. I had it under control before she came this week which I also told her. She wont leave them alone for one minute unless they are sleeping, it´s a nightmare. She even sleeps with the door open so she heats them then asks me in the morning how the night went. When I say it was fine and that DS didnt stir once (he´s very restless) she argues that she heard him cry! :angry: As DH is away, she is coming back next week and although Im grateful for the help, Im also dreading it. Im stressed due to it. DH is very supportive and has offered to have words with his mum. Im hoping it wont come to that as it will cause problems, but we´ll have to see.
I am so glad that I found this thread. I have been feeling like a spoiled brat for being so frustrated with my MIL. She is actually living with us and will be doing our daycare when I go back to work. I have help that most new moms, especially twin moms would love. I just feel smothered and annoyed most of the time. She is always holding a baby. The second they make a peep she grabs them and continues to hold them when they fall asleep. I have said something about it and she continues to do it. She was here most of the day and probably was not holding a baby for an hour total. When I am by myself this makes it hard on me. I guess she will need to learn the hard way when she is alone. Thanks so much for helping me realize that I am not alone.
Dealing with family members is always crazy. It's even harder when it is your ILs. I so feel for you. My grandmother and I had a giant tiff when my boys were 6 weeks old. My husband went overseas for almost a month so the boys and I went to visit my mom. My grandmother lives close by and I mistakenly asked her if she could help with the boys (she's retired) while I was visting some. When I made the request I had never been alone with them. By the time it actually came to pass I had spent 3 weeks at home alone with them and had things down pat. So I didn't really have to have the help, but I thought the company would be nice, and when you have young twins it is almost always nice to have an extra set of hands. Before it was all said and done she was calling them "her boys." She rushed to pick them up every time they made a peep and just plain drove me crazy. Our parenting styles didn't mesh at all and it was a complete and utter disaster. After a crazy incident where she went and got one right after I put him down for a nap I had reached my limit and snapped at her. It really hurt her feelings. To this day she still makes snide remarks about am I sure I want her help when I ask her to do something. She is also still all over the boys the second we come in the door. Not nice to see you, how are you, and oh look the boys! Nope, not a word to DH and I ever, but "her boys" are here. She's so overboard she practically snatched one of them from my mom so she could feed him because she mistakenly thought my mom fed him all the time. I was furious as I had specifically given my mom the baby to feed because she never gets to (they live over 500 miles away and we only see each other a few times a year). And let's not even talk about the relationship with my MIL. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It totally sucks. You have every right to be annoyed. Only you know whether talking to her will help or not (most folks say no, but letting it brew for me was never a good idea because it was always just bigger when it did explode, and at least for me, it always does sooner or later).
I have got something much worse. My EX-MIL. She is not the grandmother of the youngest (3 mo twins). She thinks they should grow up and call her grandma. She is not related to them in anyway. She actually tried to cry when I did not let her hold the baby one day when she was here for a visit, and she doesn't understand why I would rather have current MIL baby-sit. Hows that for a problem?
How frustrating. I feel for you. I’ve got 3 moms in the picture – MIL, my mom and ex-MIL. I love them all dearly and feel super blessed to have so much love showered on the little buggers. BUT…sometimes it’s just too much. I remember lying in the hospital bed holding DS after my c-section and MIL saying, oh “he’s upset because his mommy won’t let his grandma hold him.” grrrr Then I have my mom who calls every day multiple times a day to obsess about any tiny issue. If they have gas she’ll go on and on about how she’s praying for them night and day because they are so “sickly.” Sometimes I’ve wanted to just tell everyone to put down the babies and get out! But I really do appreciate their help. And they’re just trying to love the babies…really they are. *sigh* I’ve decided that all moms are crazy and I just try to be patient with their own unique freakiness. The years of caring for others just makes us all bonkers eventually. I’m well on my way…. Hang in there!
I think that if we lived closer to my MIL it could create a problem like that... she's always referring to B and K as "my babies" ... it drives me up a wall. I've taken to every time she asks the question: "How are my babies doing?" I always say "Well Bryan's fine and I'm sure his sister and brother are, too!" I'm sure once we move back up north it'll be an issue and I'll be complaining in a few months about the same thing. I'm sorry you're going through this, hun! *hug*
Wow, you girls have some stories. Ex-MILs Thank you so much for sharing them. It helps so much to know Im not alone. My MIL calls them "my babies" too! I have been stricter with her this week and am handling it better. DS is still all over her but Im not letting it get to me. Its because she doesn´t say "no" to him like I do so he´s bound to go to her! It´s hard though when Im trying to do something that she clearly doesnt agree with. She never says anything but actions speak louder than words. She said she never left her sons to cry but let´s say my BIL is almost 27 years old and she still cooks, washes & irons his clothes and they dont live in the same city! Yes, he does have a washing machine that he never uses...!
My MIL drives me nuts sometimes too. Whenever there is any kind of issue with the boys she totally flips out. One time Jack wouldn't finish a bottle while they were visiting, and she worried so much she called us via cell phone on her way home to make sure he wasn't dehydrated! Now that Nate is refusing the bottle, she calls our nanny during the day and asks how he's eating....GRRRR! She even offered to cancel her trip to Maine so she could be there to help. Like her being there is going to make him eat better! Sheesh. I appreciate that she's concerned, but it's a little over-the-top. My mother is the exact opposite; just shrugs and says "they'll be fine". :lol:
QUOTE(Nate and Jack @ May 21 2009, 04:45 PM) [snapback]1322820[/snapback] I appreciate that she's concerned, but it's a little over-the-top. My mother is the exact opposite; just shrugs and says "they'll be fine". :lol: You have summed up my MIL and mum in a nutshell! MIL is OTT and my mum is cool and calm!
