MIL vent

All right. My DH and I have only been married a year and we moved to Idaho from So Cal two days after our honeymoon. Now, my MIL is traveling up to see us like every other month Especially with these new grandbabies (which are her first). I guess I just really want her to leave us alone for a little while. We were just down in CA January and she is coming up to visit for four days next week, but the entire time I was down south she kept telling me that it was "wrong" that we were so far away. Which, in my opinion really isn't that far. My family lives in outer mongolia and I won't get to see them for another year. Then when I told her that living in Idaho allows me to stay home with the kiddos and if we moved back I would have to work, she said she would just have to quit her job then and take care of her grandkids. I feel like that is entirely selfish. Isn't it better for children to be with their own parents, why can't they be supportive and see the benefit of lower living costs? Thanks for letting me vent, I needed to say this to somebody before they come? Should I talk to DH about it or leave it alone?

 

All right. My DH and I have only been married a year and we moved to Idaho from So Cal two days after our honeymoon. Now, my MIL is traveling up to see us like every other month Especially with these new grandbabies (which are her first). I guess I just really want her to leave us alone for a little while. We were just down in CA January and she is coming up to visit for four days next week, but the entire time I was down south she kept telling me that it was "wrong" that we were so far away. Which, in my opinion really isn't that far. My family lives in outer mongolia and I won't get to see them for another year. Then when I told her that living in Idaho allows me to stay home with the kiddos and if we moved back I would have to work, she said she would just have to quit her job then and take care of her grandkids. I feel like that is entirely selfish. Isn't it better for children to be with their own parents, why can't they be supportive and see the benefit of lower living costs? Thanks for letting me vent, I needed to say this to somebody before they come? Should I talk to DH about it or leave it alone?

 

I'm with you on this one! One of my MILs is dropping hints again about visiting yet again (we're heading for an every other month schedule here, too ) and she talks every time she's here about how when she "retires for real" she can just come live in a single room occupancy place outside the city to be near us.

In my experience, the comments about moving and/or taking over childcare (ours mentions it whenever I say that I plan to put them in daycare when I return to work next fall) are just talk -- a way for them to express their longing to be closer and take a more active role. I don't think I'd say anything about that.

But you (and we) do have a right to live your own life without constant visits if you need that space. We are handling it this way: DH is going to call this week to plan the next visit and suggest a date that is later than we know she would choose on her own. That way, we send the message that we want her to come (since we are initiating the plan), but we can lay the ground work for longer stretches between visits without having to say "gosh, you visit too much" (because we are preempting her call, which would include a much earlier date that we would then need to put up with or veto).

Kim

 

I don't want to be the negative one-just the devil's advocate here. What helps me be patient in these situations is to think about when my kids get married and have babies. I don't want to be restricted from seeing my grandbabies, and I would love to help take care of them if possible.

So, on that note, when they come visit, put them to work helping you. Make that your break. Have her do meals, dishes, laundry, etc. Let her have one baby for awhile and give one a lot of attention and then trade her. Make it work for you. Just a thought.

 

I don't know how old you are, however, I have five kids of my own and two step kids. With my older age I have discovered a lot of things. You may not like your MIL, but your kids will always LOVE when grandma comes as grandmas are VERY special!

My MIL died last week and I feel so bad as my twins never got to see her. You have to remember, the MIL is your husband's mom and he loves her very much. You wouldn't want him to hate your mom coming.

(Okay...I am not all goodie goodie..these are talks my mom has had to have with me when I haven't like my MIL.)

If I were you, I would take advantage of her coming. Let her watch the twins so you can run errands and try to have a positive attitude with her (hard..but it helps if you do). Plus, you husband will really appreciate you MUCH more if he can tell you aren't upset about her coming to visit. He may even see you as a shining star.

Also, if she makes a comment about you moving away, I would just say you did it for the best interst of the twins and that she is welcomed to come any time to visit (just bite your tongue and try to get through that comment).

I know all of this sounds like crap, but it really works when you act the sweet DIL as they will change their whole actions towards you.

 

Thank you guys for the pep talk My MIL really is a wonderful woman and very kind. I know that she is missing the experience that she always believed that she would have. I know that she is envious of those around her who are able to see their grandkids all the time. I will try to be more positive and grateful for her help and attention. I never really knew my grandparents much....believe it or not they are still alive, but we moved overseas and never really got that whole experience. Maybe there is something to it after all? I miss my parents and am jealous that my MIL can see them whenever she wants where my mom can't (though she would love it). Maybe this whole issue is mine. I want my kids to know my half as much as DH's. Anyway, thanks

 

I think she just misses her grandbabies and wants to spend more time with them. I don't think it's anything more sinister than that. I think making her visit a break for you is a great idea! And grandma's are very special! My mom doesn't get a long with her mother very well, but she always made sure I spent plenty of time with her.

 

While I love MIL very much...and she really does treat me like the daughter she never had (DH only child). Just be happy she only comes to visit...we have to sell our to small home in August and she is insisting we move to a home with lots of land so they can park her live in RV in our backyard. That should be very interesting(she is a neat freak and I could care less even before the twins came).

 

I really like the way Brockgirl put it all!! I couldn't have said it better myself!!

I'm glad you at least like her! That's a big step! Hang in there, at least she's not moving in with you!!!

 

My MIL lives 5 minutes away and wants WEEKLY visits. She popped over today for a few minutes.. be glad she has to plan to visit and can't stop by on a whim!

 

Good for you for staying home with the babies. I understand that she wants to see her grandbabies more but she definitely wasn't thinking about what's best for the babies when she encouraged you to work so that she could watch them. Still, I would encourage the many visits she makes. She probably drives you crazy but it's nice that she wants to see the babies and be a part of their lives. Especially since you don't get to see your family very often I'm sure you understand that family is so important.

 

quote:
I miss my parents and am jealous that my MIL can see them whenever she wants where my mom can't


I know this feeling all too well. At least you get along with your MIL, mine cant stand me and that has caused me to not care for her either. It always iritated me when we lived 15 minutes away from the ILs and my family was 2500 miles away....what got me even more was the constant talk of how she wanted to see her grandbabies but never attempted to see them

Good for you for moving so you can stay home...goodness I can only imagine how screwed up my kids would be if I moved back to where the ILs are and let them watch my kids so i could work

 

Try living a half mile from your inlaws!!! Mine think if they go more than one day without seeing us that we are denying them their rights Seriously...sorry about your MIL!

 

just an opinion...my parents and my mil both see my son about every other week, if not every week...this can be tough when there are other things that need to be done but I can tell you right now i think that it is wonderful for my kids to have that relationship with their grandparents. I was fortunate to have both sets of my grandparents involved in my life to this extent as well and it was a true blessing and I want to give that to my son also.

 

my MIL lives next door and sees my kids one hour a week on the weekend and I rather like it that way! I sat home on maternity leave for 3 months and she never came over to visit or see if I needed any help, and when asked if she could help us out babysitting when I went back to work (I don't have a choice in the matter if I want to put food on the table) she had a list of excuses why she couldn't - so be happy your MIL wants to help...

oh and I should add that she sees my kids once a week but thinks she knows damn well better how to raise them than I do...we tolerate each other because I'm married to her son but thats about it!

she's VERY passive aggressive and is convinced my children are freezing and starving to death...

 

Im the same i love my MIL but i wish she would back off a bit too. She comes out every tuesday,thursday,friday and sunday night. She comes out sometimes helps with the babies and then expects her dinner before going off home!! I know she is by herslef and she doesnt have much friends but sometimes i know this sounds horrible but its like there are 3 of us in this relationship! She lived with us for 4 years and is totally dependant on her son (my partner). I mean what 23 year old has their MIL staying in their house! Before she moved out if we going anywhere she had to come even if it was to the supermarket or mcdonalds. You couldnt get rid of her!! I mean i do appreciate the help when i have had a bad day but sometimes i wish we could just spend some time together as a couple. Lol so i know how you feel x