MIL Vent

To make a long story short(er) we bought a house in July with plans of doing major renovation before the twins were to be born. Unfortunately half way through our project I was admitted into the hospital on bedrest for PTL. The hospital I was at was over an hour away from our house, so my DH decided it would be easier to stay at his parents house until I came home. Well, then the girls were born at 28 weeks, we both decided to stay at the IL's until they could come home, so we would not have that harendous commute. Now the girls are home and our house is still in pieces. I dont want to take them home until it is done because I dont want them around the dust and fumes etc...

I swear my MIL thinks these are HER babies. She sits on the couch and plays with them and orders me around to get this for her and get that. Everytime they cry she wants to shove a bottle in their mouths. I am keeping them on a strict schedule for my own sanity, and I have explained this to her numerous times and she just does not get it. She also wants to change their diapers every 20 minutes (I am NOT exaggerating), and Diapers are expensive and we are now a family of 4 on a single income! I am just so frustrated. Part of me just wants to pack up and go home, but I dont even have a working kitchen right now. My DH is going up there on his days off to try and finish it, but so far it is slow going. It will probably still be another couple of weeks...

I am tired of being criticized for my decisions on how we want to raise OUR kids. Whenever my DH or myself tell her something she does not like or does not agree with, she will turn to the baby and tell her something to the effect of "Im sorry honey, I really want to feed you, I know you are hungry but Mommy (or Daddy) said No"- Making us out to be the bad person, when I know what is in the best interests for my kids.

I am thankful she has allowed us to stay at her house, especially when we were commuting back and forth from the hospital everyday. But since they have been home she has gone overboard, and I dont know what to do. I feel like I am walking a fine line. Part of me just wants to let it go, and the other part of me wants to rip into her and tell her how I feel. Our hands are really tied at this point...what would you do if you were me?

 

I've had MIL issues, to say the least. And I am on MIL #2 (I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my MIL now!!!) What I would do is first, try the following:

[/indent]1. DO NOT bad mouth you MIL to your dh. Tell him how SAD you are, describe to him how much you feel like a BAD MOTHER yourself b/c of her actions/words, cry about it if you have to/can. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT call her names, put her in a bad light, etc. LET HIM DO THAT FOR HIMSELF. Let him feel like he needs to defend you and your honor to his mother. Trust me, it's hard to bite your tongue, but this works. And, it lets dh feel like a man, and the words aren't words that came out of YOUR mouth that he's saying to his mother, but his OWN words. His mom will recognize the difference.

2. In conjunction, use your SADNESS (NOT ANGER) to tell your MIL how HURT you are by her words/actions. Cry if you have to. Tell her how much you want to be a good mother. Throw in a story or two about how YOU learned from YOUR OWN mother. Pain is a much more powerful persuader in this case than ANGER. And it might not all be true, but you are looking for a means to an end (a peaceful stay at MIL's house!) and anything is worth it.

3. If #s 1 and 2 do not work, then fight fire with fire. Yup, give her a dose of her own passive/aggressive medicine. When she tells your babies that mommy and daddy are trying to starve them and she tried to feed them, give the babies YOUR voice. Say something like, "I know babies, you want to tell grandma that you don't want to grow up overweight and unhealthy. You want her to know that schedules and routines are the BEST things for you right now, I know babies, maybe she'll be okay with waiting one more 1/2 hour to feed one of you a bottle if she REALLY wants what's best for you..." Make sure you use your sweetest, sugariest, babiest voice you have...remember, YOU are THEIR mom, and THEY get THEIR voice from YOU right now.

HTH,
angel​

 

:hug99:

We were also in the middle of a big remodel when I was pregnant and we had the girls early and before it was done. We came home to no kitchen and my parents invited us to stay with them, but I said no for the very reasons you are describing.

We made do for 2 months with minimal accommodations at home. I basically stayed in our bedroom with the girls (and the attached bath) until they were 6 weeks old because of the dust from the sheetrock/spackle. My DH tarped everything and vacuumed all the time so it never got to the girls. We washed bottles in super hot water in the bathroom sink and had the fridge and microwave set up in the dining room. It was quite an experience.

However that said, if this is only for a few more weeks I would tough it out. Tell DH you are sad about how everything is going with MIL and have him talk to her about toning it down on the bad mommy c**p. (Like the pp suggested). Your MIL might not even realize that she is hurting your feelings, but maybe he can remind her of her new mommy days and she will be more understanding.

Good luck! -Leighann

 

If its really just a couple more weeks I would tough it out especially with the holidays. I would make DH talk to her about boundaries (since its his mom) and go from there. If she is with the babies maybe go into another room so she cant talk at you for a few minutes. And oh yeah, hide the diapers

I hope you get some peace and sanity you have been through alot!!

 

As if you didn't have enough to worry about..
I think Angel gave you some great advice. You may also try to use "the Dr. said we have to do it like this" line maybe that will help a little bit.
I also understand the house remodel with babies, BTDT and it sucks. I think with your preemies it is best to stay away from the house until it is finished, even if DH cleans up well the dust lingers in the air even when you can't see it and you don't want your precious girls breathing it in.
It is really hard when others are trying to run your life when you are ready to start living it as your own family,you have already been through so much, it makes it even more frustrating I am sure.
Try to keep focused on the future, when you will be in the nice safe house and soon all the baloney with MIL will be over... :hug99:

love your new avatar BTW :wub:

Alyson

 

QUOTE(Kyrstyn @ Dec 19 2007, 01:14 AM) [snapback]540040[/snapback]
Everytime they cry she wants to shove a bottle in their mouths. I am keeping them on a strict schedule for my own sanity, and I have explained this to her numerous times and she just does not get it.

I am tired of being criticized for my decisions on how we want to raise OUR kids. Whenever my DH or myself tell her something she does not like or does not agree with, she will turn to the baby and tell her something to the effect of "Im sorry honey, I really want to feed you, I know you are hungry but Mommy (or Daddy) said No"- Making us out to be the bad person, when I know what is in the best interests for my kids.



ummmm my MIL still does this and the kids are 19 mos old...seriously - I'd deal with the dust and go home...keep one room of the house (like your bedroom) dust free - keep the door closed at all times, tarp the hallway etc - I would NOT deal with that....

as an example last Christmas Eve (the twins were 7 mos old at the time) we went over to visit them quickly before going to my moms (we take turns each year which family we visit on Christmas Eve/Day) and Ian was crying - he was tired, and he had just eaten an hour beforehand...my MIL says "you know if you just gave him 2 oz he'd calm down"...Tony looked at his watch and said "he just ate an hour ago (7 oz) he's just tired"....and she says "shame on you daddy you won't feed your son - you know he needs more food he's a boy and bigger than his sister etc.." anyway the next day on Christmas Day she gives us the kids gifts and in their stockings were PILES of jars of babyfood and she gave us about $100 of RTF formula (which I never fed the kids becuase it made them spit up even worse) and she says "there now you don't have an excuse not to feed them"....I should have walked out right then and there but I didn't want to ruin Christmas even though I was so pissed off I couldn't talk to her for an hour....she's still like that...we go over her house and she immediately whips out cookies, ice cream and HUGE sippy cups of milk for the kids - with no thought to what time it is (like an hour from dinner etc...)

do yourself a favor and move back home to save your sanity...if your MIL is anything like mine every time Tony tells her how we are raising the kids she either counters with how she raised him and his brother and how they're ok or tells him to go to he!!

 

I agree - Go Home. My MIL is the same. She doesn't believe anything we say - my son was told he was allergic to dogs - always coughing and wheezing and was also on the nubulizer. We had a dog - we asked if she wanted it , she didn't understand why we were giving away a member of the family and acutally said that Zachy can control his asthma with medicines. He was 2 at the time. She eventually took the dog but throws it in our face all the time. If she isn't being helpful - go home. It is not worth it.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

I would GO HOME!! Keep one room clean and dust free and shut the door!!

 

QUOTE(Kyrstyn @ Dec 19 2007, 06:14 AM) [snapback]540040[/snapback]
I am tired of being criticized for my decisions on how we want to raise OUR kids. Whenever my DH or myself tell her something she does not like or does not agree with, she will turn to the baby and tell her something to the effect of "Im sorry honey, I really want to feed you, I know you are hungry but Mommy (or Daddy) said No"- Making us out to be the bad person, when I know what is in the best interests for my kids.


My mother does this too!! Or she will talk "for" the baby, "mommy I am hungry, feed me!" or "mommy it is cold I need more clothes than this on!" I have spoken w/ a counselor about this and it is the appitomy (sp?) of passive aggressivnes. For the sanity of everyone involved GET OUT ASAP! If it is going to be a few months or more sit her down and TELL HER what you have typed here. It may cause hurt feelings on her part but it is causing YOU resentment right now. She obviousley loves her grandbabies but because they are in HER house it sounds like she is taking a very possessive role in their lives. My mom was the same way. When DD #1 was 8 mnths old I left my XH and moved back in with my parents. My mom became my daughter's 1st daycare provider as I had to go out and get a job. EVERYTHING started happening MY MOM"S way or no way... so I moved out after 3 months. It was becoming toxic to our relationship and not healthy for my daughter. JMHO. HTH.

 

You are more than right to be mad. THing is, it is her house. Now, I'm not trying to say that you should just suck it up. But now you know that she is one of those people who feels her power when someone else needs them. She must feel belittled in another area of her life since she would try and make a new mom feel less than. You are doing a great job. Whether you decide to stay or not, just remind yourself that people are mean when they are afraid. You know her -- probably better than your DH. Maybe deep down you know EXACTLY what her bag is and why she chooses to treat you like this.

Either way, hang in there and don't let her see you lose it. She'll always know that she made you upset. And remember, we teach others how to treat us.....

 

Yeah, life is more peaceful here w/out my MIL telling me how to raise the girls, what they want and what they like as if DH and I have noooo clue!

I do have to say this though....it is possible they are still hungry? My girls do this all the time though they are getting better about it. Even if it is just an hour later, we will put the bottle in their mouth and if they start sucking away we give them another 2ozs. I am not going to starve them...if they are hungry, they are hungry. They don't need a bottle to fall asleep either...they rarely fall asleep when being fed (except middle of the night feedings). They are no where near overweight either and can afford to gain some weight actually.


On the other hand, sounds like you need to go home and get away...life is much easier when you are on your own sometimes...trust me.

April

 

QUOTE
I do have to say this though....it is possible they are still hungry? My girls do this all the time though they are getting better about it. Even if it is just an hour later, we will put the bottle in their mouth and if they start sucking away we give them another 2ozs. I am not going to starve them...if they are hungry, they are hungry. They don't need a bottle to fall asleep either...they rarely fall asleep when being fed (except middle of the night feedings). They are no where near overweight either and can afford to gain some weight actually.


I'd second that... If they're hungry, but you truly can't survive without a strict schedule, maybe more frequent scheduled feedings would work? I don't know how often you're feeding them, but they may need to eat every 2 hrs instead of every 3, for example. Their stomachs are so small, and they're in the process of doubling their weight...

But anyhoo, I would be SO steamed with that kind of behavior! Passive aggression is the worst. If your MIL is that concerned about the way you're raising your babies, she has a couple options: one: gracefully shut her mouth and let you be the mom (unless it's a safety issue), or two: have an open, rational, adult conversation with you about it and use reason and research to persuade you. The snide talking-to-the-babies routine is not acceptable.

If at all possible, I'd head for the hills!

 

I would first make sure like the pp suggested that they aren't hungry. the last thing you want is to start a battle and turn out to be WRONG!! LOL!! sometimes babies will do that b/c of gas. In all likelihood they are tired. My bottle fed babies usually went through a pattern of eat...burp...fuss...sleep...it's harder getting them to self-soothe than a bf babies. My kids weren't big on nuks. My twin dd loved her swing, so that soothed her for naps. but my older dd...eeek... i was always shoving a bottle in her mouth b/c I just didn't know what to do for her. She turned out okay, but it was hard. The bottle usually just created a cycle of gas and fussing. So maybe you can let your MIL have her way one day and let her see that it just made the baby fussy or really threw off the schedule. My mom will say things like that to my babies too. And I just return in the same sing-songy voice my justification of it. I'm pretty open with my mom about what ticks me off. But I know it's harder to be that way with MIL for fear of causing WWII. Your mother kind of has to love you...your MIL doesn't. LOL.

 

P.S. I just thought of another angle. Your girls were in NICU for awhile..on a schedule. why don't you just tell your MIL you are keeping to the schedule as per the pediatricians/nurses orders??? Then you can pull the medical card as if she's an idiot and doesn't know what the doctors recommend!! As far as the diapers, I'd really open my mouth about that. Let her know that diapers these days are much more absorbant than they were "way back when she had her kids." And that they really shouldn't be going through more than 10 diapers in a day each. So wet diaper doesn't mean it needs to be changed unless it's really wet...

 

QUOTE(Kyrstyn @ Dec 19 2007, 06:14 AM) [snapback]540040[/snapback]
I swear my MIL thinks these are HER babies. She sits on the couch and plays with them and orders me around to get this for her and get that. Everytime they cry she wants to shove a bottle in their mouths. I am keeping them on a strict schedule for my own sanity, and I have explained this to her numerous times and she just does not get it. She also wants to change their diapers every 20 minutes (I am NOT exaggerating), and Diapers are expensive and we are now a family of 4 on a single income! I am just so frustrated. Part of me just wants to pack up and go home, but I dont even have a working kitchen right now. My DH is going up there on his days off to try and finish it, but so far it is slow going. It will probably still be another couple of weeks...

:hug99: I don't have much advice but my mother is the exact same way and we don't even live together! The bottle thing drives me crazy (and mine don't even TAKE bottles!). She insists every time that they cry that if I didn't nurse them and I'd be able to give them a bottle and then they would be quiet whether they were hungry or not. One thing I said to shut her up was "Yeah, and then they will grow up becoming emotional eaters and be overweight." And the diapers...oh, the diapers! What is it about these women and diapers. I don't know about yours, but my babies have never cried because they were wet or stinky. I don't know why, but I believe they could leave one on all day and not whimper. Anyway, like I said, I'm in the same boat as you and I know it's even harder since you live with her, but just try to let some things go in one ear and out the other. But remember (and remind her) that those are your babies and whether you live with her or not, you have the right to make any and all decisions regarding them.

 

my MIL always thinks they're hungry ANYTIME they cry!!! umm, babies cry for other reasons, too! one time she came over, and ivana wasn't even crying (she was just hanging out looking at everyone) and MIL said, "are you hungry?" i wanted to scream! so i feel your pain there.