I know I should be so lucky to have a MIL that lives 3 miles away and will be here with a simple phone call anytime day or night...but she drives me nuts!!! With twins we need all the help that is offered, but I feel I am living on the set of "Everybody loves Raymond". Both my MIL & FIL stop over whenever they want...2-3x/week... mostly unannounced- but often bearing gifts, i.e. diapers, wipes, dinner, groceries, etc. So, can I really be upset? They are the grandparents after all, and they are bringing gifts. My MIL can only watch one baby at a time (which is fine, but then I never really get a break when I call on her), and so when my mother is over my MIL thinks she has to help her too.... my mother can handle both just fine. So when my mother is over my MIL invites herself over to help; and my mom gets upset, as do I. When I send a baby to my MIL's she feeds them whatever she wants, whenever she wants (I will advise to feed them only cereal, and she feeds them fruit, I will say feed solids only at lunchtime, and she feeds them at dinner too, I will nurse them and drop them off, and she will give them a bottle as soon as I leave), it is almost as if she is playing 'house'. Do babies really need dessert? She always gives dessert (bananas or whatever). I now feel that there is a tension between us, as she is very aggressive and stubborn...and I am very frustrated with her constantly doing things her way. Anyone else have such a helpful bull of a MIL?
I am so sorry your having to deal with this. As far as her coming over when your mom is there sounds like she is the jealous kind and can't stand the thought that your mom will get more time with the babies than she does. We do get the drop ins or my fave the call on the way to see if we are busy and then they will stay for 3 hours. And for whatever reason I feel like I need to entertain them so I get nothing else done. Now I will say they keep the twins for me twice a month so I can go to Mums ( like mops ) and they mostly follow my instructions. However I love when i get home and they are like wow we couldn't get them down for their nap and I have to say oh thats ok and as soon as they are out the door take the babies to their room for nap time and lay them down, they fuss but go right to sleep. I think they don't like to hear them fuss. What does your Dh say? its hard because they are HIS parents. Can he or will he talk to them?
I am sorry.. IL's and grandparents in general can be frustrating! I would be direct.. in a nice way. Tell her that you appreciate the extra hands, but your mom feels that she can take care of them herself and you could use the extra help when your mom is not there instead. As for the unnanounced visits, my parents were bad for that too, so I finally just started calling them in the morning to ask if they were planning to drop by that day, laying out the kids schedule for them and letting them know when they were welcome. Also, if they insist on bringing things over you can give them a list of things you need! Be direct and make your help work for you.. that's my best advice. It's tough, but the more you communicate what you need and when you need it the easier things will get. With the feeding.. I had a hard time relinquishing control of the feeding. In the scheme of things if they get an extra meal or a few bites of banana it's not a big deal. If you don't want them to have bottles tell your MIL that you're really trying to keep a nursing schedule up so please avoid the bottles unless they're really hungry for it.
Me too. It was very hard to give up the control of feeding them for some reason. My MIL nows feeds them whatever she wants but I still have rules against no juice mostly bc they get diarrhea from it...DH had to ream her out one night after Jack wouldn't sit in the tub bc his booty was so raw She learned. I will say I love my MIL to death but there is tension between us since we have had babies mostly bc I think she sees me as controlling (which I am to a certain degree) but at the same time she doesn't listen when we tell her things...unless DH gets angry with her. I would lay down the laws now. When your Mom is there and she calls just tell her you don't need her help today but could you come tmw instead? Unannounced visits are annoying as all get out and luckily my inlaws call but extended inlaw family does not....I have actually hidden from DH grandparents when Hannah was born bc we were all trying to nap! Just bc they are bringing gifts does not give them the right to show up unannounced and next time they do it go lay down for a nap or take the babes to another room. I know ILs mean well but yes, they certainly can be annoying. I think its bc I cannot say the things I would to my own Mom to my MIL...so I make DH do it
I feel your pain but don't have much advice unfortunately as I have had to let a lot go since my husband won't stand up to her and the things that bother me aren't that bad in the scheme of things I guess. I also can't give up control of the feedings, I think it is because we try so hard to get them on a good schedule that we don't want them messed up. My in-laws have actually been better since the twins were born than with my 1st son fortunately as I do not have as much patience now. It is nice not having to hear the constant advice as they (along with most people) don't have a clue where to even start when it comes to raising twins. I would guess that your MIL is jealous that your mom can handle both of them when she can only handle one. I have been better lately at getting stuff done when my in-laws come as there are times that I don't have the patience to entertain them and my children, plus they really just want to see them anyway so I might as well be productive! Good luck, I also have tried to be nice to my MIL as I have 3 boys and the only thing that makes me sad is that I will someday be the MIL lol!! I joke that I am going to take notes so that I don't drive my daughter-in-laws crazy someday!!
Whoa... for a second I thought that my MIL was a twin and her sister was your MIL! I've lived it. Oh, how I've lived it. Thankfully for us we put a stop right after DD1 was born. In my case, my in-laws were also showing up unannounced, and we live 30 minutes away from them. Honestly, where we live, they HAVE to know that they are coming to see us for 30 minutes before they get here! Couldn't they just call?! Then she started doing whatever she wanted when she was babysitting with no regard to my requests. I just asked her to babysit less and less, which made her do more and more things against my wishes when she babysat. The deal-breaker for me was when she drove my then 2 yr old in the car to her friends house without a car seat! Yep. You read that right. I lost it. My DH finally spoke with her. I do know that there have been some hurt feelings on her end, and that makes me feel bad, but I really had to set my boundaries. In my case, I still have to decide if her help is worth the grief it gives me. Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes it's no. My mom reminded me that all of these MIL jokes didn't just start yesterday. They've been going on forever because this stuff has been going on forever. Maybe you can get your DH to speak with his momma. I agree with PP's, I hope I don't drive my future daughter-in-law nuts someday! I wish you luck!
I had a hard time relating to my MIL. We were so different. For example, like you we had different ideas on how and what to feed a baby. It was often frustrating. She died very suddenly in her mid fifties when I was pregnant with Drex. In your post I hear that you mostly appreaciate her. What would you do if she suddenly wasn't there to be grandma? Rather than trying to put a stop to it, it's probably best just to take a deep breath and force yourself to smile through. Your babies will grow up soon and as they get older there will be less issues about their care. They are lucky to have their grandmother so close.
Well said, Melissa. Many things seem *huge* in the moment, but when you reflect back on these early days - you'll remember how much she loved and cared for them, not that she wanted to give them an extra fruit or veggie at a feeding. I'm sure it is frustrating and annoying - but tomorrow, next week, or next year - will any of that stuff really matter? And regarding your mom, can you just tell your MIL that your mom would like to have some time to herself with the babies when she is there and she is comfortable being alone with both of them, so as much as you guys appreciate your MIL trying to help out, your mom would love some "alone time" with them?
Thank you all for your feedback... Meximeli & Mama23boys- you know, after I posted this...I thought, am I being insensitive to those who do not have help or grandparents for that matter? and after all, beyond my husband & I, she & my mother will be the only ones who will take the best care of our babies in our absence. Thank you for your insight...you are both right, I get caught up in the moment of frustration and forget how precious the present is. Brynnplustwins-thank you for relating! I cannot believe the carseat story!!!! Just the other day my MIL took DS1 in the car (3miles to her house), without being buckled in...in the seat though, and I had hold back from being upset by it. SJH5249- yeah DH will say things if I am really upset, but he never says things in a nice way...and then everyone gets upset...so i usually him not to say anything at all, and I just deal with it. Mrs.Wright-so true! I can say anything to my mother... anything. It is so difficult with ILs. Rollergiraffe-I read about how grandparents can mess with schedules, sleeping, and food...and I now see how. In my head, I know a few bites of bananas or whatever is no big deal...it is more the fact that she does the opposite of what I ask deliberately. Yes, I need to start giving her my grocery list...good idea!! IPBWGB- I too feel like I have to entertain them...I just now started to leave the room to give them some alone time...or if we are getting them ready for bed, I nurse them and let them come in and cuddle and rock them and I leave the room. Oh, and my MIL is totally the jealous type. My mother stayed with us for the first 7 weeks home from the hospital, and my MIL was extremely jealous, stopping over all the time... when my mother comes now, it is once a week and usually an overnight visit... and my MIL still seems to get a bit jealous. Both babies seem to know and love them both, which is all I can ask for. Thank you all!
I think the thing for my mil is she feels guilty. We told them last christmas we were pregnant with twins and they had plenty of warning that we would deliever early. They still planned a 2 week cross country trip and then were hurt when I had the babies without them here. Kept saying things like just wait til MOnday we will be back monday. I went in thursday and was told there was almost no fluid around Willa Grace, my dh called them and let them know. They cut their trip short and headed right home but they were in Colorado when I was in labor. Sorry but I can't hold them in til you get here. When we called to tell them they were here I could hear the almost hurt in her voice that she was so far away when they were born but its not like we sprung this on them.
Oh how I feel your pain!!!!!!! I could write a BOOK on my MIL. But all in all, she means well, but she drives me BONKERS too! My problem is, she will come over and just start 'doing' things...dishes, laundry etc. Sure, sounds great in theory, but she'll put dishes in dishwasher that have to be handwashed, she'll put stuff away that I didn't want away, and she's a 'piler' and a stacker...I had several jar candles on the counter, and she just had to stack them all in each other, well, it broke off the wicks and I couldn't use the bottom too...just little things like that. I've had a couple deal breakers with her, one being, once when we went to the hospital with our 2 year old for a fractured skull, she stayed over with our daughter, and she SLEPT IN OUR BED!!! Nevermind that the sheets were dirty and needed changing.... Well, I went get into al lof it now, got a baby to get fed
Wow, that's a bit rude!! I can relate to some of these stories, esp. the pp who spoke about having to entertain MIL. Mine comes over once a week to 'help' but expects to be entertained. dh works all week and 1/2 day sat. She will come over sat afternoon and so that means we can'r make plans or get much done for that day, visit friends etc. Sometimes that afternoon and sunday afternoon are the only times I might get out to go for a walk but I feel obligated to stay home. I have started trying to get more things done though like make baby food, washing etc as I reason that if I have to be at home and she wants to be there, I can at least try and be productive. We now have 4 children and rarely have had any outside help and its hard not to resent that. PS. I too feel alot lot Raymonds wife!!! (is it Deborah?)
