mil is going to babysit saturday, and i don't trust her!

since the beginning, anything i did she didn't agree with. when she found out we were having twins, the first thing she said was, "that's so risky." when she found out i was getting the steroid shots she told me i shouldn't. (like i'm going to listen to her over my doc). then she found out a family friend who had twins got the shot, so she was okay with it. when the babies came, they were not even 2 hours old, she said, "oh, marina is stuffy." and took it upon herself to use the plug thing to suck it out. when they were a day old, she looked at ivana and said, "did her eyes look like htat yesterday?" (thanks for insulting my child) the first few months, any time they made a sound she'd say, "they're hungry." or, "are you hungry? is mommy feeding you?" or she'll say, "is she too hot?" "is she too cold?" so THEN i started to get the hang of things and feed them at the same time in their bouncy seats. i had a doc appt one day and she came to watch them and i specifically told her, "i feed them at teh same time. if one is hungry, chances are the other is, too. you feed them in their bouncies... " well, DH told me he came home and found her trying to feed one of them whiel the other was hangng out on the floor. thanks for listening to my directions. all i taked about was how i wanted them on the same schedule. i could see on her face that she thought it was ridiculous. then she talked to the family friend and realized she has HER twins on the same schedule, and all of a sudden, she's "all for it". BS. and NOW that we're on a schedule, she knows that if one wakes up, i gently wake the other. so the one that was woken up, she'll keep saying, "ohyou're so tired. oh, you still need some sleep. oh you poor thing...." YESTERDAY, she was hangngout outside with DH, and i had put the girls down for a nap and ivana was crying hysterically (she's going thru a phase. nothing a little cio won't cure lol). i walked outside with the monitor, and she goes, "oh, she's choking!" OMG. so i wait a while, and after 40 minutes of ivana screaming, i took her out and let her fall asleep in my arms (i wouldn't normally do that, but mil made me feel like a horrible person). she slept on me for a half hour hten woke up, so i went and woke up marina (who slep like an hour and a half, and needed to get up cuz bedtime was in a few hours). mil comes in teh house and says, "did mama wake you up? oh you're so tired. are you hungry? did you get woken up? did mama let you cry?" and on and on. i don't know how much more i can take of this crap.
DH is so excited to have her babysit on saturday (we're going to a barbecue), but i'm just sick about it. i'm very specific with things. she follows NONE of my directions. she doesn't believe in waking up a baby. she assumes they're hungry with any noise they make. all she wants to do is hold them, and they aren't the cuddliest babies. they love to be free and roll around and play.
and let me tell you FIL is not far behind. he tried to feed them sour cream when they were 3 months old. i said, "i'm going to be very picky with what they eat" (because tey don't eat healthy), and he said, "oh let's be normal." i said, "junk food isn't normal." if they cry when they see him (he's a priest and has a long beard so it can be a little scary), he says, "they just don't see us enough" and acts all hurt liek it's my fault. and as soon as he walks in he asks if i fed them.
i'm going to go insane. all i can do is let her babysit, and insist that she call/texts me when they wake up and when she puts them down and if she doens't follow my directions, i'll tell DH that she can't babysit unless she follows what i tell her. DH is so sensitive, and it sucks, but I'M the one that worked so hard to set a schedule, and I'M the one that has to put them BACK on schedule when it gets messed up, and I'M the one that has to fix what she ruins, so i don't care if i hurt his feelings anymore.
she makes me feel like these aren't my daughters and i don't know what i'm doing. her own two daughters each have 5 kids, but they live far away so she has no say in how they raise them, so she's trying to take over with my kids.
*sigh*

and.....................scene.

thanks for reading.

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ May 20 2008, 11:53 AM) [snapback]783238[/snapback]
since the beginning, anything i did she didn't agree with. when she found out we were having twins, the first thing she said was, "that's so risky." when she found out i was getting the steroid shots she told me i shouldn't. (like i'm going to listen to her over my doc). then she found out a family friend who had twins got the shot, so she was okay with it. when the babies came, they were not even 2 hours old, she said, "oh, marina is stuffy." and took it upon herself to use the plug thing to suck it out. when they were a day old, she looked at ivana and said, "did her eyes look like htat yesterday?" (thanks for insulting my child) the first few months, any time they made a sound she'd say, "they're hungry." or, "are you hungry? is mommy feeding you?" or she'll say, "is she too hot?" "is she too cold?" so THEN i started to get the hang of things and feed them at the same time in their bouncy seats. i had a doc appt one day and she came to watch them and i specifically told her, "i feed them at teh same time. if one is hungry, chances are the other is, too. you feed them in their bouncies... " well, DH told me he came home and found her trying to feed one of them whiel the other was hangng out on the floor. thanks for listening to my directions. all i taked about was how i wanted them on the same schedule. i could see on her face that she thought it was ridiculous. then she talked to the family friend and realized she has HER twins on the same schedule, and all of a sudden, she's "all for it". BS. and NOW that we're on a schedule, she knows that if one wakes up, i gently wake the other. so the one that was woken up, she'll keep saying, "ohyou're so tired. oh, you still need some sleep. oh you poor thing...." YESTERDAY, she was hangngout outside with DH, and i had put the girls down for a nap and ivana was crying hysterically (she's going thru a phase. nothing a little cio won't cure lol). i walked outside with the monitor, and she goes, "oh, she's choking!" OMG. so i wait a while, and after 40 minutes of ivana screaming, i took her out and let her fall asleep in my arms (i wouldn't normally do that, but mil made me feel like a horrible person). she slept on me for a half hour hten woke up, so i went and woke up marina (who slep like an hour and a half, and needed to get up cuz bedtime was in a few hours). mil comes in teh house and says, "did mama wake you up? oh you're so tired. are you hungry? did you get woken up? did mama let you cry?" and on and on. i don't know how much more i can take of this crap.
DH is so excited to have her babysit on saturday (we're going to a barbecue), but i'm just sick about it. i'm very specific with things. she follows NONE of my directions. she doesn't believe in waking up a baby. she assumes they're hungry with any noise they make. all she wants to do is hold them, and they aren't the cuddliest babies. they love to be free and roll around and play.
and let me tell you FIL is not far behind. he tried to feed them sour cream when they were 3 months old. i said, "i'm going to be very picky with what they eat" (because tey don't eat healthy), and he said, "oh let's be normal." i said, "junk food isn't normal." if they cry when they see him (he's a priest and has a long beard so it can be a little scary), he says, "they just don't see us enough" and acts all hurt liek it's my fault. and as soon as he walks in he asks if i fed them.
i'm going to go insane. all i can do is let her babysit, and insist that she call/texts me when they wake up and when she puts them down and if she doens't follow my directions, i'll tell DH that she can't babysit unless she follows what i tell her. DH is so sensitive, and it sucks, but I'M the one that worked so hard to set a schedule, and I'M the one that has to put them BACK on schedule when it gets messed up, and I'M the one that has to fix what she ruins, so i don't care if i hurt his feelings anymore.
she makes me feel like these aren't my daughters and i don't know what i'm doing. her own two daughters each have 5 kids, but they live far away so she has no say in how they raise them, so she's trying to take over with my kids.
*sigh*

and.....................scene.

thanks for reading.



Too bad we didn't live closer! I just posted about mine. I know mine might not agree or think it's crazy-but for the most part-will abide by the rules. Can you have DH be the one to tell her what to do-and if she does NOT follow the directions-she won't babysit again?

I sooo feel your pain! My mil-when I was struggling to b/f the boys(FLAT nipples, stressed, etc...) had the galls to say(to dh on the other side of the curtain), "Is she doing this, is she doing that?" Mind you-she did NOT b/f her kids! AND-she spent that Saturday-FOUR HOURS in MY hopsital room just hanging out. FOUR HOURS. FOUR! I was recovering-or attempting to-from a c/s. OK. I'm done. Sorry to hijack!

 

I don't trust MIL either! Not because she doesn't follow my schedule, but because I honestly feel like she's CLUELESS. She's had 2 children of her own, and the boys are grandkids #3 and #4. Every time she holds the boys, it looks like she's worried about dropping them. I try to love her because she birthed my DH, but it's so hard.

I've walked in a few times and seen her just staring at the boys in their bassinets...after I've asked if she could help us fold some of their laundry. Seriously. Sitting and STARING. Weird.

I just keep remembering the old saying, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family."

Ah...MILs!

Becky

 

QUOTE(megkc03 @ May 20 2008, 11:05 AM) [snapback]783261[/snapback]
Too bad we didn't live closer! I just posted about mine. I know mine might not agree or think it's crazy-but for the most part-will abide by the rules. Can you have DH be the one to tell her what to do-and if she does NOT follow the directions-she won't babysit again?

I sooo feel your pain! My mil-when I was struggling to b/f the boys(FLAT nipples, stressed, etc...) had the galls to say(to dh on the other side of the curtain), "Is she doing this, is she doing that?" Mind you-she did NOT b/f her kids! AND-she spent that Saturday-FOUR HOURS in MY hopsital room just hanging out. FOUR HOURS. FOUR! I was recovering-or attempting to-from a c/s. OK. I'm done. Sorry to hijack!



i can top you! IL's own the duplex we live in. they rent it out, so we're obviously renting. they're also trying to sell it, and when i was home from the hospital for only A FEW DAYS, some people came to see the other side (which was empty at the time). IL's KNEW that no one was to come on this side unless they made an appointment. well, in walk some people with mil, while i'm in bed RECOVERING FROM A C/S, TWO NEWBORNS, the house is a mess... i mean, WTH? my mom was changing a baby at the time and just looked at me, i looked at her, and we were like, "are youkidding me?" not only that, but she let them walk in with shoes on (HUGE NO-NO in my house), and they actually walked up to the bedroom and saw me laying there in bed... AAAAAARGH!

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ May 20 2008, 12:10 PM) [snapback]783269[/snapback]
i can top you! IL's own the duplex we live in. they rent it out, so we're obviously renting. they're also trying to sell it, and when i was home from the hospital for only A FEW DAYS, some people came to see the other side (which was empty at the time). IL's KNEW that no one was to come on this side unless they made an appointment. well, in walk some people with mil, while i'm in bed RECOVERING FROM A C/S, TWO NEWBORNS, the house is a mess... i mean, WTH? my mom was changing a baby at the time and just looked at me, i looked at her, and we were like, "are youkidding me?" not only that, but she let them walk in with shoes on (HUGE NO-NO in my house), and they actually walked up to the bedroom and saw me laying there in bed... AAAAAARGH!



Ummm..yeah..I think that takes the cake! I don't know what I would have done in that situation!

 

:hug99: :hug99:

I feel your pain...my IL are 1st time grandparents and are well overly excited about this. They too feel that all boundaries I have put in place are there for a reason, but they feel that the boundaries do not apply to them...grrrrrr.

I always have issues when they leave and they are here every week!!!

I finally talked to MIL and expressed my concerns/frustrations.

They have volunteered to babysit, but I have not let them yet. I am too scared of the consequence I will have for the rest of the night and the next few following days!

Hope things work out for you :hug99:

 

I feel you.....ohhh how I feel you. You are definately not alone!

 

My MIL acted very similar to yours. My DH finally had to talk to her and explain that we were the parents and while we valued her opinion, we were going to make the decisions regarding our kids. For the most part she now listens to me, but not all the time. Good luck!

 

:hug99: Your right, she is wrong, but I don't think there is a way to win. S*cks. I suppose there is no hope of DH cracking the whip right? That is what had to happen here early on.

I read somewhere that if you had a good relationship with your MIL pre-baby that often it goes south because they feel to "comfortable" to say/do what they want.

I'd just make sure that there are lots of poops when she is there!

 

That is wrong how she says those things - like talking to the baby makes it okay to say. She wants to say those things to you - but, she's not brave enough. That is extremely rude.

I don't like my ILs either. Basically everything they do annoys me.

 

QUOTE(lilly_&_hunter @ May 20 2008, 02:10 PM) [snapback]783850[/snapback]
That is wrong how she says those things - like talking to the baby makes it okay to say. She wants to say those things to you - but, she's not brave enough. That is extremely rude.

I don't like my ILs either. Basically everything they do annoys me.

Ditto!! It's called passive aggressive (of which my MIL is the QUEEN!) It's DH's job to back you up and speak to his mother about it.

 

all DH does is make excuses for her, or make it seem like i'm imagining it. he says, "just write out the girls' schedule. she'll follow it. she doesn't want to ruin anything you've done." i hate it, cuz i know she will, but he will never see it that way. so i'm alone in this.

 

Here's what I would do: Leave only enough bottles to cover the time you are gone. Tell her (and write it down) what times they are due to eat and that there's only enough formula/bm (hide the rest) for those feedings so don't feed them early. The rest, like not napping well, won't be too hard to bounce back from. If you can force her to keep the feeding schedule by limiting the available supply, they shouldn't be too out of sorts when you get back. Also, let her know you won't be available to come home early if she runs out of bottles so to be very careful to only use what you left at the times you stated. Good luck!

 

I just wouldn't go...if MIL is all that you have to babysit...I'd stay put. I feel very strong about not feeding the babies anything except Breastmilk and a little formula here and there...but NO FOOD...with that being said....I don't allow ANYONE in my family to babysit....MIL and SIL drove for an hour to come and babysit last week, I had to attend older childrens banquet, so they boys were almost 5 months old and that was our first sitters!

Good luck to you, if they don't respect your boundaries...don't leave your kiddo's with them!

 

My MIL is like your's...only maybe not quite so bad. She follows my routine with the babies as best she can, but with my older DS it is a free for all. She let him have 10 suckers once at her house while she was watching him for the afternoon (she just couldn't tell him no....right...).

I try not to have her babysit, but when she does I always think that she loves my kids, and if for one day they get crappy food and are off of their schedule then so be it. If it bothers you then I would try not to have her babysit.

And BTW my DS makes excuses for his mom and her rude comments and dumb actions, why I don't know because it makes me even more mad......it must be a guy thing.

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ May 20 2008, 03:20 PM) [snapback]784002[/snapback]
all DH does is make excuses for her, or make it seem like i'm imagining it. he says, "just write out the girls' schedule. she'll follow it. she doesn't want to ruin anything you've done." i hate it, cuz i know she will, but he will never see it that way. so i'm alone in this.


That's rough! I'm guessing your MIL is manipulative like mine? She is TOTALLY different to DH than to me so it was my word against hers and who wants to play that game?! Until one day when she slipped in front of DH...now it's better as he's seen it first hand and will back me up...I hope you get lucky!

We're going to visit the IL's soon and I can assure you my children will not be left alone with them...she doesn't believe in car seats and totally believes in corporal punishment...but that's a whole different topic!

Do what is best for you and your kiddos... :hug99:

 

I have no advice, just wanted to send a :hug99: your way!

(Thank goodness I dont have IL's!!!!)

 

My MIL is the same way and it drives me up a wall! Every sound they make, they need something. I just want to yell "sometimes kids scream for no reason!" And my MIL is crazy, I swear. She gives my kids the darnest things to play with. We were visiting her house when the girls were 1 and I went to the bathroom. I came out and here are my 1 year old twins running around the house with.....PENCILS! I immediately grabbed them and took the pencils away, which set off a tantrum, and became this big drama fest when it didnt have to be. She is not careful with them at all. They are always getting hurt when she is around. We have to watch her like a hawk. She has never babysat nor will she. Maybe when they are 13 and can fend for themselves

No advice for you just :hug99:

 

QUOTE(angie7 @ May 20 2008, 08:58 PM) [snapback]784543[/snapback]
My MIL is the same way and it drives me up a wall! Every sound they make, they need something. I just want to yell "sometimes kids scream for no reason!" And my MIL is crazy, I swear. She gives my kids the darnest things to play with. We were visiting her house when the girls were 1 and I went to the bathroom. I came out and here are my 1 year old twins running around the house with.....PENCILS! I immediately grabbed them and took the pencils away, which set off a tantrum, and became this big drama fest when it didnt have to be. She is not careful with them at all. They are always getting hurt when she is around. We have to watch her like a hawk. She has never babysat nor will she. Maybe when they are 13 and can fend for themselves

No advice for you just :hug99:


my MIL fed one of her grandsons coke at 10 MONTHS OLD. A WHOLE CUP OF IT.

 

Wish I had some advice other than not to leave your MIL alone with your little ones. My MIL is a lot like yours and I felt like I am seeing my own future in a lot of the stories I've read here. Dh is pretty good at cracking the whip with her and even though it makes her angrier at me, she will do what he asks. So, I am pretty much planning to let him set the rules and limit the time alone she gets with the babies. She has not met them yet but will be here for a month in July so it is going to be a challenge...

Good luck to you -- hope things get better with your MIL!

 

Thanks for venting, it helps realizing we're not alone having problems with ILs. Some of these situations are so ABSURD they become funny :rotflmbo:

I hope you are not offended, I am sorry you have to go through this, it's just that I can relate too well to some of these stories. One wonders how come they don't realize what they are doing, that they are going too far or being hurtful. I don't have much of an advice, my DH also always back them up. So I have to be very diplomatic and down to earth when I tell him something I did not like. Otherwise he will always say I'm biased or I'm imagining things, or I'm too complicated

Talking to the baby to tell you something indirectly (that of course you are doing somethging wrong) is a common one. I hate it too ! I feel so self-conscious when MIL is around and always end up upset!

 

I just think it is a lack of respect when people do these things without asking. (like feeding a baby) I don't have a MIL -- don't you just hate me !! Actually I have a SIL and she is just like what her mother was like... and she is a pain. But I don't have to see her until August.. damn August is coming up soon.

heather

 

Just had to add - two can play the passive aggressive game.

When my nanny or my MIL would say something through the baby,

" like oh are you hungry, did mummy not feed you" I would just grab the baby and say" oh you love mummy so much don't you, does your tummy hurt, you don't like strangers do you?"

or something to that effect. They cut it out pretty quick.

you do have to speak up though otherwise you get steamrolled and it doesn't get any better. But I feel your pain - I would not be comfortable with her babysitting either.

 

I hate it when people talk through the baby at you like that. "Oh, did mommy not feed you". Come on MIL, like I'm trying to starve my child. That is just ridiculous. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you are not comfortable with it at all, don't leave them with her. I always remind myself that these people really really love my kids. I have also set boundaries now that I have kids. If you want to continue to have time with my children, you will not feed them sugar all afternoon, etc. I leave out or pack snacks that I find acceptable for my kids. The one thing I try to remember is how much I loved my grandma's when they were alive, and how as a grand child I could do no wrong in their eyes, and it was a really special relationship, and I want my kids to feel that also, even if it is with the passive aggressive MIL.

 

My MIL is just like that she takes it upon herself to disipline which is usally no big deal, but then her disipline is spanking and I dont think it warrents spanking. I hate that it makes me really mad but it doent matter what you say to her she still does it.