MIL causing friction

My MIL is quite a character. She has 10 grandchildren with 3 sets of twins (all of her boys - though she really believes they run in her family). And she clearly prefers twins and shows obvious preferrential treatment to them. The other two sets of twins live out of state. My husband is her youngest, and favorite child (also no secret). So, needless to say we get lots of attention at family gatherings (much to my consternation). I even try to deflect it as much as possible going so far as to steal her other grandchildren and trade her them for which ever one of mine she has latched onto.

My SIL (my MIL's only daughter) is having a 3rd bday party for her daughter in a couple of weeks. She called to extend an invitation to us (which is a bit unusal for her, so I knew something was up). She wanted to invite us (DH & I), but asked that we find a sitter for the boys. This is her daugters' bday party and she doesn't want her overshadowed by the twins. In a way I understand, but it seems a little unfair to the boys and a precedent I don't particularly want to start or encourage. I would rather address the real issue - my MIL's treatment of her grandchildren.

Should my SIL and I confront my MIL? Or should we just take the path of least resistance and get a sitter (or more likely DH will go, and I will stay home with the boys)? I understand where my SIL is coming from, and empathize with her. I don't know what I would do in her shoes. HELP!!!

 

I personally would just let it ride. No "confrontation" necessary. It just isn't worth it, IMO. So send DH and stay home with the kiddos. (I would not get a sitter.)

 

my story may not help in the way you would like but here it goes.

My MIL has 3 children, one of which she wanted nothing to do with (he is a total wack job that is on drugs, abuses his kids words can't describe how horrible he is) Her daughter (lovely person) wanted nothing to do with her and the youngest was my husband, so she really only had stuff to do with my boys. My oldest son who is 11 now got really sick when he was 1 and she became very nasty about it, thinking he was a mummies boy she would always accuse me of mothering him too much ect. He ended up being put in hospital for a week and was diagnosed with coeliac disease. Then my next son was born and she thought he was the ants pants, you could always tell she prefered him, Anyway going away from the story a bit here. She would go out and buy the boys something everytime she had them or came out to see them. The more I told her to stop the more she would do it, she started getting that bad with the kids that she would tell them she thought their cousin, of whom they adored, was evil, she hated their Aunty (Which was on my side of the family not hers) and would always tell them her opinion of people like she was trying to get them to not like them as well. Anyway it got to the point something had to be done so hubby spoke to her very nicely thinking she was depressed again and thats why she was doing all this. All he did was ask her not to give her opinion to the boys and she exploded. She firstly tried to tell us our oldest son was a liar (Children don't lie over that stuff) and then she carried on that she should be fully right to tell the truth and be honest. After all that she decided she wanted nothing to do with us, told everyone it was all my fault and even told hubby I slept around on him 10 years ago and has then decided to have her son who she has never wanted anything to do with live with her but only because his ex wife lost her baby when she was a few hrs old and she wanted to sympathy. I never thought in a million years that a grown woman would behave like that, and in all honesty if I had read this from someone else I would think they are full of crap. I am not sorry it was brought up. I could't keep going with my kids going through all that and with me going through it all. I feel sorry for my husband but my kids haven't even asked about her and she doesn't know about the twins and I want to keep it that way, she is evil.

Sorry if that scared you lol, I hope your MIL isn't as bad as that. You do have to bring it up though cause it will drive a wedge between you and hubby and your family and your SIL's family. I hope it works out much better then it did for us though, Good luck

 

I agree with the pp that this really needs to be addressed. I think your SIL & you (and/or DH) need to sit down and really lay it on the lie with Grandma. but...in fairness to your niece, I would just send DH to the birthday party and let your niece have her special day first. Then you can all explain to Grandma why. I suggest doing it after because a confrontation like that will likely make things worse before they are better (if Grandma is even willing to change) and if it's done before the party I would worry about some type of blow up at the party. Geeez what a hard situation - good luck!!

 

Frankly, if one of my nieces or nephews were turning 3 and my twins were not invited - for any reason - no one in my family would go. And I would be pretty upset/angry about it. It's not my fault or theirs that they are twins. All my nieces and nephews love the twins as much as - often more than everyone else, and get pretty excited to see them, so they would definitely want them there( though I understand this may not be the case with your family). I understand that SIL is worried but surely the birthday girl will be lavished with attention!!!! Save for possibly 5 mins when you arrive and everyone does the obligatory 'OOOhhh the twins are here'
I dont think it's your job to have to 'sort out' your MIL. Or have a word to her. I think it's up to SIL (and maybe your DH if she needs back up) to say anything. Well, I would hate confrontation with DH's side of the family, would leave it to him. Just my opinion, FWIW. Good luck.

 

I wanted to add:

Do you think MIL's favoritism is because they are babies? boys? her favorite son's kids (as opposed to her daughter's)? As sad as it is for the 2 yr old cousin, a new baby (or two ) will tend to get more attention... But if you think it will be an ongoing situation then that is teaching your children dysfunctional family relationships even if they "benefit" from being the favorites, and that I think needs to be addressed. If you think it is a baby thing, I would still honor SIL's request, but let it go as far as talking to MIL. Your boys will never know the difference and it obviously bothers SIL/niece enough to have made the request, I think it is a small thing for family harmony.

 

I would see if your dh and sil could talk to their mother and see if they can sort things out - that is if mil is even open to this kind of conversation. Can you talk to sil and see if you can come with the boys for part of the party, maybe the last hour or the first hour? That way you still get to participate but you also make sure the b'day girl gets the most attention.
I feel so bad for you because its not your fault but you are being pulled into this. I always say that if there is a problem in dh's family he has to deal with it, and if there is a problem in my family I have to deal with (thanks to Dr Phil!).
perhaps the twins gets attention because they are the "newest" babies and not necessarily for other reasons? Just a possibility. I know wherever we go that is what happens, but its mostly because they are babies, and people seem to love babies, and with twins, well there is two of them! : )

 

I think the saddest part of all this is these little cousins missing out on seeing each other for an important occasion this little ones b'day the poor twins its not their fault their grandmother is a bit nuts (no offense ) I think you should say something because its not going to get any better otherwise and soon your little guys will want to know why they arent invited to anything!Good luck!

 

QUOTE(twoin2005 @ Sep 9 2008, 11:11 PM) [snapback]972463[/snapback]
I personally would just let it ride. No "confrontation" necessary. It just isn't worth it, IMO. So send DH and stay home with the kiddos. (I would not get a sitter.)


That's what I'd do too. I think I would be offended if there was a family birthday party and my girls were excluded, but if anything my girls are the least likely to get attention.

 

I think that I would just not go....if the boys couldn't go...I don't think that DH and I would go either. That is just me. I'd let her know that you do understand, but she has to respect the decision that you make.

 

Personally, I would not have anyone go at all. I understand that MIL is playing favorites, but for your SIL to ask for your children not to come is not fair to you or your family. I also agree with people when they say the issue needs confronted. But I definitly wouldn't have anyone go if your children are not welcome at their own cousin's birthday just because there are 2 of them. That just isn't fair to them at all.

 

While I understand the favortism issue (not with my kids, but with myself, my brother is the favorite) no one would go to the party. It is not fair to exclude your twins just b/c of this. If it happens this time, SIL will think that it is always ok to not invite them and the older they get, the more it will hurt them. So I would say to SIL "I understand your reasoning behind not inviting the twins, but it will hurt them in the end, and that is not fair, so unless they are invited, no one will be coming" I would not address MIL. Not only b/c of confrontation, but the fact that she will get defensive and think you are attacking her and cause friction from here on out. I would try to overlook it and continue to have family gatherings as a family.

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Sep 10 2008, 12:45 AM) [snapback]972488[/snapback]
Frankly, if one of my nieces or nephews were turning 3 and my twins were not invited - for any reason - no one in my family would go. And I would be pretty upset/angry about it. It's not my fault or theirs that they are twins. All my nieces and nephews love the twins as much as - often more than everyone else, and get pretty excited to see them, so they would definitely want them there( though I understand this may not be the case with your family). I understand that SIL is worried but surely the birthday girl will be lavished with attention!!!! Save for possibly 5 mins when you arrive and everyone does the obligatory 'OOOhhh the twins are here'
I dont think it's your job to have to 'sort out' your MIL. Or have a word to her. I think it's up to SIL (and maybe your DH if she needs back up) to say anything. Well, I would hate confrontation with DH's side of the family, would leave it to him. Just my opinion, FWIW. Good luck.



I'm so with you on this. It's not the babies' fault that they are twins. If it's like this now...how is it going to be in the future? They'll end up feeling alienated I think. I understand where SIL is coming from..but on the ther hand she needs to get over it.

 

QUOTE(ThreeLittleSnowflakes @ Sep 9 2008, 11:56 PM) [snapback]972502[/snapback]
Do you think MIL's favoritism is because they are babies? boys? her favorite son's kids (as opposed to her daughter's)? As sad as it is for the 2 yr old cousin, a new baby (or two ) will tend to get more attention... But if you think it will be an ongoing situation then that is teaching your children dysfunctional family relationships even if they "benefit" from being the favorites, and that I think needs to be addressed. If you think it is a baby thing, I would still honor SIL's request, but let it go as far as talking to MIL. Your boys will never know the difference and it obviously bothers SIL/niece enough to have made the request, I think it is a small thing for family harmony.


I think it is a combination of twins and her favorite son's twins. As for babies, there are 2 younger babies in the family (1 grandchild, and 1 cousin) that she looks at (not holds) for 2 seconds and then asks if anyone has seen B&A (like a unit - which is a whole other aggrivation). And not boys either, she even said to me when I was pregnant what a shame it was that they were going to be boys. Luckily another SIL was there and pulled me away before I beaned her over the head with the nearest available object. I do think it will be ongoing. The oldest grandkids in the family are 19, and the oldest twins are 5. Since the first twins came along all the other grandkids have been ignored. And when the second set of twins came along, the first got less attention too - because get this, the second set were ID's which are so much better than frats. She actually said that. More babies came along, still ignored. Including a younger brother to the IDs. My MIL while comforting the twins when he was born said that because they were twins they would always be better than their little brother. I was floored. Then ours came and it was like she didn't have any other grandkids (except the ID's who lived out of state, and once in a while mention of the other frats also out of state). The 3 year old actually lives closest to her - about 15 min away and they are frequently asked to baby sit her, and they constantly decline. Yet, they bug DH & I constantly to let them babysit ours - frequently in front of my SIL which just makes things worse.

QUOTE(angie7 @ Sep 10 2008, 08:04 AM) [snapback]972749[/snapback]
While I understand the favortism issue (not with my kids, but with myself, my brother is the favorite) no one would go to the party. It is not fair to exclude your twins just b/c of this. If it happens this time, SIL will think that it is always ok to not invite them and the older they get, the more it will hurt them. So I would say to SIL "I understand your reasoning behind not inviting the twins, but it will hurt them in the end, and that is not fair, so unless they are invited, no one will be coming" I would not address MIL. Not only b/c of confrontation, but the fact that she will get defensive and think you are attacking her and cause friction from here on out. I would try to overlook it and continue to have family gatherings as a family.


That's what I am most afraid of, too. I know they won't care this time, but if I let it happen how many other things as they get older and will care will we be asked not to bring them to?

 

If my husband and I were invited to a child's party but our kids were not, no one would go. For goodness sakes, it's a CHILD'S party, not an adult party!!! If it were an adult party, I'd get a sitter, or send DH, but a kid's party, HELL no. HELL no. HELL no. I don't care how close I am to the kid's parents, a kids party is for KIDS, not the grownups. If my KIDS aren't welcome at a KIDS party, I'd personally be offended because I'd think the only reason I was invited was so that I would bring a gift.

 

DH still wants to go to the party by himself and stay all day. I told him I thought as someone mentioned it would be better if all four of us dropped by either before the party started or after it was supposed to be over and wished the bday girl a happy birthday and let her open our present and play with the boys for a few minutes.

After this is over someone will be talking to my MIL about why we weren't there and how it isn't fair to the boys for us to be excluded because of her blatent favoritism - that she has 10 grandchildren and needs to act like it.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your perspective. It has really helped me to ensure that I am making the right decision for the right reasons and doing what is best for us in the long run.

 

I think DH and SIL need to sit down with her and let her know that she's acting like a fool. I also think that if someone is "uninvited" it should be grandma because SHE is the problem, not your twins.

 

QUOTE(Her Royal Jennyness @ Sep 10 2008, 06:39 AM) [snapback]972943[/snapback]
I think DH and SIL need to sit down with her and let her know that she's acting like a fool. I also think that if someone is "uninvited" it should be grandma because SHE is the problem, not your twins.

I agree 100%!!

I do think it is not your place but dh's to have a chat with his mother. Also I would not get a sitter either. I'd stay home with them. Their absence will be noticed but the whole thing could possbily be avoided by having your SIL & DH tlak with thei rmother and be ho nest and upfront. If she is not able to hear them, then you can stay away. I don't think it's bad for dh to go, after all the party is for your 3 y/o niece and she should not have to suffer and not have as many people at her party because of adults issues.

 

I agree with Jenny and Alison. I can't even imagine a world where DH and I would be invited to a KIDS party and told not to bring our kids (and pay for a sitter!). Its ridiculous and not addressing the problem at all. DH should talk to his sister and then they both should talk to their mom.

 

You sound like a very caring person and you want everyone to get equal treatment...despite this, I don't think it's fair at ALL for your little boys to be excluded...what did they do to deserve that? I would definitely talk to your sister-in-law and try to find a compromise...if all else fails, I think the suggestion below is a good one.




QUOTE(twoin2005 @ Sep 9 2008, 11:11 PM) [snapback]972463[/snapback]
I personally would just let it ride. No "confrontation" necessary. It just isn't worth it, IMO. So send DH and stay home with the kiddos. (I would not get a sitter.)

 

QUOTE(Her Royal Jennyness @ Sep 10 2008, 08:39 AM) [snapback]972943[/snapback]
I also think that if someone is "uninvited" it should be grandma because SHE is the problem, not your twins.


I was thinking the same thing! If I were you SIL, that's what I would do.

If I were in your place though, I'd be too curious not to go. I would bet anything that even if the twins weren't there, grandma would still find someway to make it all about the twins anyway.

I'm not so sure confrontation is going to work 'cause she probably won't get it anyway. If she's going to go around picking faves there's not much you can do to stop her. But you don't have to play the game.

 

You're a better person than I am to understand your SIL asking you not to bring the boys. It's just my opinion, but that's a little immature and selfish on her part. In no way is it your children's fault so they are being punished for the misdeeds of an adult. Rather than banish your children, I think your SIL should have the guts to deal directly with her mother. Maybe I'm just reading more into it than is really there, but it seems to me that the SIL has some jealousy issues as well. Saying that she wants her daughter to be the center of attention so don't bring the boys screams jealousy to me. Your MIL is one person - deal with her. Other children will see the boys as just two more children present. As a previous poster said - once everyone says oooh and ahhh over the twins the attention will focus on the birthday girl. If someone walked in with a newborn it would be the same thing. I just think your SIL is jealous herself.

 

I would address it...you can't get a sitter for your babies every time..that's not fair

 

We have a situation kind of like this in my family. My DH is the favorite of three (he is the only boy and the youngest). My MIL shows favortism towards my one niece and my three kids. She would never admit she is favoring any child even though she does...and it makes for an uncomfortable situation sometimes. I think it is your SILs place to sit down and tell her mom how she is feeling. Personally, I would tell your SIL that no one is coming to the party...and although you understand where she is coming from she is excluding your children from their cousin's brithday party, and you don't feel that is right. I don't think I would even say anything to your MIL...your SIL has the problem, not you...so let her deal with it.

 

I know you've gotten a lot of opinions but I had to share mine also... I agree that if the boys aren't invited no one goes. I also agree that grandma should be the one not to be invited. I also agree that DH and SIL need to talk to grandma. I think DH should be involved (his family, he should try, although I see nothing wrong with you voicing your concerns also) in order to back his sister up. Although, I also agree that SIL sounds like she has some jealousy issues, taking out this favoritism on you/your kids and not on her mother.

A similar situation happens in my DH's family... of three, there is a favorite brother, a second favorite brother, and a brother treated like s*&^ (my DH). From his parents, the grandchildren are treated according to the favorite son status... it's blatant and obvious and enough that we don't spend time with them unless we really have to b/c I don't every want my kids to feel like they are not as good/important as their cousins. However, we are very close to one of DH's brother and wife and kids. We often get together just us. In the past, DH has confronted his parents about various things with their behavior and his brother has backed him up. This is crucial, IMO, so that the parents can't turn around and think that it is all in our heads... one of their favorite sons sees the favoritism and poor treatment of us/our kids and calls them on it. That being said, my DH and I have been together 10 years and the situation gets progressively worse. And no confrontation has ever changed anything with IL's behavior.

But, I still think it should be brought to crazy MIL's attention that how she is acting is hurtful to all of her other grandchildren.... and it should be SIL that has that conversation, with your DH backing her up. At the very least it will hopefully make her feel better to say something. Good luck with the decision about the party... it's a tough place for you to be!