Mealtime HELL!

A very familiar topic, I know. I have posted about our troubles before and I don't know if this is really a post seeking advice, so much as it is a post wondering if anyone has ever experienced these types of mealtime shenanigans for such an extended period of time.

Let me preface this by saying that my boys really are good, sweet boys. But, you wouldn't know it observing them only at mealtime.

For what seems like an eternity, my boys have been throwers and spitters. It's been well over a year that we've been dealing with this. Breakfast usually starts off fairly tame and then each meal escalates in terms of the throwing and spitting. We withhold water until the end of meals to reduce spitting (unless they are outright asking for it--I would never withhold water, even if I have to deal with spitting).
When it comes to water (which is the only thing I can give in sippy cups because of the spitting) they will start off with a few good sips and then begin spitting. Sometimes this is just letting the water drip out of their mouths onto their shirts/trays and sometimes it's outright spitting at each other and even at us. As for food, some meals are better than others, but I can recall only a handful of meals in a year when the floor didn't have something on it. They will pick up their food and smash it in their hands, rub it in their hair, throw it at each other, throw it on the floor, you name it. All the while laughing.
I know many people will say... well, they're just not hungry. But, this behavior can occur at any time throughout a meal and really doesn't seem to be related to level of hunger. And, if it was just hunger-related, it wouldn't happen at nearly every meal.

So, what have we done to try to curb this behavior? EVERYTHING.
We have ignored it. Doesn't work.
We have taken things away. Doesn't work.
We have done time out. Doesn't work.
We have ended meals. Doesn't work.
We have raised our voices. Doesn't work.
Did I mention that NOTHING works for more than a few minutes?

My one son is much more likely to listen than my other and if we had him alone, I probably wouldn't be writing this. But, as with many things, my other son encourages him to participate in this behavior. They also throw their silverware. We are down to letting them use only a fork or a spoon and taking it away as soon as it is thrown. I've considered taking them away altogether, but I really believe they need to be using utensils and not reverting to using their hands at this age.

Oh, and as for sippies, when they walk around the house with them they also do this so I have water in all sorts of places.

I probably don't have to say that this is beyond frustrating. It's beyond beating my head against a wall. Is this normal toddler behavior? Is it worse in boys than girls? I just don't know what is going to give besides my sanity. It's been >1 year since my husband and I have been been able to have a nice conversation over dinner because we're just reprimanding and trying to manage the chaos. Every meal isn't terrible. We definitely have good meals for which we give them high praise. But, I really thought we'd have made more progress in this department by now.

What gives?

 

Have you tried feeding them at different times or in different rooms? I'd just take their clothes off, cover the ground with vinyl table clothes, put one in one room, one in the other and ignore them until they were done. Without being able to see each other, they won't have an audience, and won't really have a reason to show off.

 

I totally agree with Bex. When we have mealtime silliness that gets out of hand we separate them. Sometimes one goes in time out until the other is finished, or sometimes we put them in different rooms. The other thing is no emotion when you correct them (negative attention). This is so hard for me because it drives me NUTS! But if you try to keep meals as calm as possible and not let them get away with any spitting or throwing, they should get better. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

ETA: Also only put a teeny bit on their plates at a time... less mess (I know from experience).

 

I like the suggestion of divide and conquer. Make mealtime conversation a big part of it, too. Do they snack a lot throughout the day? For a while I would eliminate snacks to help get the message across. With drinks if they asked they would have to be with me or at the table- no wandering around with beverages all day.

 

Are they in boosters or anything that forces them to stay at the table? All my kids' issues disappeared when we got rid of those. They just say when they're done and get up now...

 

This is what I was thinking on the drinks. Also I understand not wanting to withhold water from them but I would take water away for spitting, if they are spitting then they're not drinking it anyway so it's not like taking it off them will make them dehydrated. I think I would probably put the drink in 'time out', take it off them as soon as they spit and set a timer for a few minutes. After the timer beeps they can have the drink back if they want, if they ask before the timer beeps explain that their drink is in time out because they were spitting.

I also agree with giving them only VERY small amounts of food. If they are that bad I would probably only give them 1 or 2 tbsp of food at a time, or enough for them to have say 4-6 bites/spoonfuls. I'd prepare the normal amount of food you give them but keep the rest back and portion it out as they finish the previous bit. That way they will have a lot less to make a mess with.
Splitting them up is a good idea if you can do it, I can remember turning mine round in their high chairs so that they were back to back and couldn't see each other.

 

Thanks for your suggestions. I'll consider separating them if I don't see improvement soon. I'd prefer not to, but if all else fails...
They are in boosters. I truly can't imagine letting them sit freely in chairs yet. I really don't envision that helping our particular situation. I don't think they're ready yet.
Last night they did great at dinner. They behaved well and ate well. Tonight was the polar opposite.
It was one of the night's when I'd have rather volunteered for feeding time at the zoo ;-)!

 

I have a couple of thoughts:
I think the idea of separating them might be a good one since it seems like they are feeding off each other...ha! no pun intended! I know it is a nuisance but it seems that they have gotten into this "habit" and maybe by separating them for a while it will remove the "audience" for their antics and maybe put a stop to it. For example, maybe you could feed one while the other one is playing or watching a show and then feed the other right afterwards. Then you can put them to bed and you and your husband can have a nice quiet dinner! Maybe if you did something like this for a month consistently, it might work? At first, you may even see an increase in the behavior but I think if you keep consistent with it and ride it out...I don't know, it's worth a try. As for breakfast and lunch, maybe separate them on an as needed basis (if you sense a bad meal coming.) I'm sure it will be a pain but it might be worth it to stick it out and perhaps break that pattern...???? I don't know...I'm just trying to figure out what I might try to do.

Something else... you mentioned that last night they behaved well and tonight was the complete opposite....and it just made me think, "What was different yesterday from today?" Maybe you can think back on the past or even take note in the future of anything that may have been different on the good behavior days. You might notice some sort of pattern that maybe you didn't realize...like maybe they napped longer? they had more snacks? less snacks? etc. Maybe there's nothing you can put your finger on...but you never know, it might give you a new insight???

OR maybe they are just being toddlers in the terrible twos.....ughhhhhhh.....it's so hard, isn't' it? Sometimes there's just no rhyme or reason and that can be so, so frustrating. Especially since you have been dealing with this for such a long time. Believe me, I have 3 year old twin girls and sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind! I have 2 other daughters too (ages 8 and 6) and I just told my 6 year old today that I hope she grows up to have 4 children just like her!!!

So the good news is, they will mostly likely outgrow this on their own....and then someday when they are grown and they call you to complain that their children are throwing food and making a mess you will look back on this and laugh hysterically