marriage suffering

My twins are almost 16 months and I also have a 5 year old. The twins have never been good sleepers and both had just started sleeping through the night when they started teething again! Ugh! I haven't slept more than 4 hrs at a time in probably 3 weeks. I know this will pass but it is so hard sometimes. Plus I feel like my husband and I are in a horrible rut. We never see each other or even talk and I feel like I am so spent at the end of the day that I just want to veg out and go to sleep. We have gone through tough times before but this seems different. Anyone else out there go through this at this age????

 

We have been through some rough patches, I don't remember one at that particular age, but the last 2.5 years have had some real ups and downs.


I'm sorry you are having a rough time, sleep deprivation is the worst, esp. at that age. You expect it from 0-3 months, but once they start STTN and then they stop, it's almost worse.

I can offer the standard advice:
1) try to get a sitter for a dinner or lunch away
2) Let some things go, housework, order take in, to have more time

It's hard, but communication is key.... :hug:

 

It is important to realize (hard for me to do) that you were a wife before the kids came. Even now, I relate more to being a mom (because it is a 24/7 job) than being a wife. It is hard to be a wife at times, but it is VERY important to your marriage. I'd try to arrange a time for some time for just the two of you if possible. I know that all you want to do is sleep when you get a break. If you have family nearby perhaps it's time for an overnighter. :hug: My twins were horrible sleepers. I hope yours get better soon!!!

 

Big :hug: to you. Sleep deprivation is no fun. I agree with the PP's, if you have family and friends nearby perhaps it's time to see if someone can take the kids overnight so you and DH can have some alone time to reconnect. If you can catch some time during each day to have a small chat with him, try to take it. I know there are somedays where it feels like me and my DH are like two ships passing in the night. I hope they pass through teething quickly for you!

 

I would have to agree with the pp. Alone time!! We finally took an overnight trip when the twins were about 17 months old. I know it did us some good!! We don't get to get away often. BUT....the few times that we have, have really helped.

 

I feel you on the sleep thing--I really do. My DH and I are at it a lot more than every before. In fact, the first 3 or four months was easier for us than this. We aee each other all the time, but what's the point when we're always irritated with each other. I also really get you on the rut thing. That's what's going on here, and everyday the financial situation gets more and more precarious, and we can't seem to get where we need to be.

I think you guys probably need to get some alone time, so you can talk this through. It's pretty clear that's not happening right now since you're rarely seeing each other. Maybe you can also try having some time together each day, even if it's 15 minutes after the kids go to bed, where you can unwind and tell each other about your day.

 

In our house DH has always been the night owl. I tended to go to sleep much much earlier. I hate to say this part-but since the boys are STTN- I don't need as much sleep and have been staying up later just so DH and I can have time together. (I didn't want to rub salt in an already open wound.) We have always enjoyed some of the same TV shows and movies and so now we make that our time. I don't know if spending some time in the evening together would help but for us it works. It gives us time to talk about what went on through out the day. We don't get to go out without the kids very often. We are Wednesday night because MIL is coming to town. It will be the first night out together in 6 ths or more.
I agree with PP if you have family near by, use them. You guys sound like you need alone time.

 

we didnt have a particular time frame that it happened to us either but it did! So you are not alone!
Dh & I ended up going to counseling so we could talk about the differences we had in how to raise kids because that alone was a big change and source of contention for us.
We also arranged a 1x a month date night. We go to our favorite restaurant and have dinner just the two of us.
We realize both people "work" even though one is away and one is at home so we try to divy some things up like who gets up with the kids on which days to make things fair.
We try to do activities with the kids that also allow us time together like bike riding. Sure we are all going, but the kids are in a bike trailer and if we dont look back its like we are biking just the two of us.
Have you tried to talk to your DH? What are the areas he feels you guys need? for you, it sounds like you need some personal time to yourself. Maybe another mom would be willing to do a babytrade so you can get 2 hours a week to yourself?

Best of luck I hope things get better!

 

My husband and I have had our rough times since our twins were born. Between sleep deprivation, both of us working full time on opposite shifts, and just everything being so hectic in general... it gets really hard sometimes. (We've also had a total of 11 family members pass away at different times since our twins were born less than 2 yrs ago, so that's another aspect for us). But I have to say, as frustrated as we've been with each other at times, we have taken a few hours off for a date or 2 to go to the movies when we needed to get away for awhile and it's helped tremendously! We still don't get much time together, but in the few hours we've had a chance to get away, it's helped a lot just to have some "down" time to actually talk to my DH (without asking for a diaper, can he take the dog outside, do dishes etc.) And as horrible as it seems to say it, it is nice not to be on my "mommy schedule" for just a little bit & not feel so restrained to what I think I need to be or should be doing to make the day go smoothly for my kids.

 

Ditto to much of what's been mentioned. I just wanted to add that in the beginning the alone time will feel force and sometimes you just end up with alone time to argue. But just push through it, it's normal because once you get alone with eachother sometimes all the things you wanted to say and can't say in front of the babies just come to the surface. Eventually it really does help. Some of the things that helped us is waiting to have dinner alone once the babies are asleep (I'm starving by 7PM but its worth it and a glass of wine doesn't hurt!) Watching a movie together once the babies are asleep (we watch a DVD on our laptop in bed). And of course movie night (sometimes this is good since you're not forced to talk about anything and you can talk about the movie afterwards instead of babies conversation). Baby steps...