Mine has gotten stronger as we pull together and work together to have the little joys in our lives. Right now he lets me make the majority of the decisions. We will see what happens when we don't agree on how things should go.But so far we agree on almost everything dealing with the kids.
It was great but chaotic the first 6 months, then the next year or so we had our struggles and now it is much stronger
Ours is stronger, so far . I remember when my DH and I first found out about the twins coming, he said "We are really going to need each other", and so far, that statement has been true and has served us well. It doesn't hurt that I now stay home with the kids, for the most part, so the house is clean, bills paid, he doesn't have to worry about as much stuff. Now I just need to reconcile with my new life at home. Not so easy I'm finding out. I miss my old life. I'm off on a tangent now so I'll stop-maybe you'll see a future post from me re: this! KS
We were so stressed from lack of sleep and everything else that goes into having TWO newborn that we just about killed each other. We had our fights and it was the only time I questioned whether we were going to make it or not. Yes we tried so hard to have a baby and a miracle happened and we were able to have two, but those first 6 months were difficult trying to balance everything. Now things are so much easier and we get sleep so we aren't so grumpy and are "back to normal" (as we were before babies, just so much happier and fulfilled). IMO, having a baby is a big change to your marriage, having multiples is a HUGE change!
I think ours has gotten stronger but also a bit more businesslike and less emotional. I think having twins can be a huge stress, but also a help to the relationship, because it's more obvious that BOTH parents need to be involved. There is just so much to do, we find ourselves working as a really great team, which is good, but it's too easy to forget to be cuddly and silly. (Fortunately toddlers tend to bring out the silly in both of us.) I do find that when we have time alone together (date night, or just after the kids go to bed), we have to really work at having a conversation, especially one that isn't just about the kids. But in general, having twins has just reinforced that I married the right man.
I would say better. We both have a healthy dose of feeling sorry for the other now. No sleep, no routine, no time...we are empathetic to the other's struggles with these things. The biggest adjustment is with me and missing my life. I wouldn't trade this for anything but I do miss my freedom, my brain and my social life.
Overall I'd say for the better. There is a lot of stress, and we squabble a lot more over stupid trivial stuff, but we know that's just because we're more tired and busy than we've ever been, and don't take it too seriously. Getting through all the challenges together (including the pregnancy - for the last 2 months we didn't know if DS was going to survive!) has really made us stronger, and it is wonderful to share the joy of the babies together. Each of us knows that nobody in the world will be as excited and interested to hear about the latest milestone or poop color as the other. I just wish we had more time together as a couple!
Another divorced here. The babies got too much of my attention and I had nothing left for him. Lesson learned the very hard way, as much as it might be a struggle at times..............everyone (wife and husband) should do their best to remember that while a new role has been added, the previous ones (husband/wife) still exist and generally need to be nurtured daily to succeed!
That first year was cvery hard on our marriage! I always say thank God we knew each other for a long time and dated for so long before we got married. If it was a new marriage, it would have been even harder then it was. Things are almost back to normal! (as normal as it can be with two 16 month olds). Communication has never been more important in our relationship as it is now!
QUOTE(kj2racing @ Dec 20 2007, 05:05 PM) [snapback]542183[/snapback] Another divorced here. The babies got too much of my attention and I had nothing left for him. Lesson learned the very hard way, as much as it might be a struggle at times..............everyone (wife and husband) should do their best to remember that while a new role has been added, the previous ones (husband/wife) still exist and generally need to be nurtured daily to succeed! Good reminder, thanks!
So many things pp's said are true for us too. Those first months were rough but looking back I have so many good memories of the two of us working together. I'm not saying we haven't fought more because we have and I'm sure it had to do with stress and lack of sleep. Our relationship has also become more businessy (like another pp mentioned), but we are trying to keep the spark alive. Making time to be together alone after the girls so to bed is now a priority... talking about stuff other than poop.. that kind of thing. But I find that we need to make the effort or we end up being roommates who are responsible for these two little people. Thankfully I have more energy to put toward nurturing my marriage now that the girls are sleeping thru the night and I get good sleep too.. also, seeing my DH take care of his girls and be just as involved as I am in their lives and care makes me love him in a whole new and amazing way.
Our relationship is doing pretty good, but I wanted to add I heard recently the rate of divorce for couples with multiples is 70%. Helen
My marriage is definitely stronger. He was such a great support system to me when I was on hospital bedrest. He gave me bed baths everyday! And now that the girls are here it is amazing to see how much he loves them, we really had to rely on each other for strength to get through the whole NICU experience...it all just makes me love him that much more everyday.
Having twins has been really hard on our marriage. We were only married for 2 months before we got pregnant so it was a sudden change. We were together for 7 years before getting married so we weren't so concerned about getting to know eachother... because we already knew. These first few months have been very difficult for us. I often feel alone and wonder if we will make it. The past couple weeks has been better, but I wonder if it has anything to do with the holiday season. I wish he would help me more but I think he feels left out and like I don't have any love left to give him.
It's definitely put a strain on our marriage (which is really pretty good overall). On top of having twins, we have two older boys and have been in the middle of a very large renovation/construction project. I guess the best way to put is that we have a very solid foundation, but we're seeing the cracks in the walls. There are a lot of things that have been revealed to us in these last three months...some good, some bad. But, we're working on them and I totally agree with Dianne, you've got to nuture that relationship and keep the communication open. Without that, it really makes it tough.
at times we sounded like a bad Lifetime TV movie, but once they hit 3 months it got a lot better, now he wants another set!!! It's like anything, what happens really varies by individual. We haven't done the best job of making 'us' time and sometimes we have to make a conscious effort to discuss something other than the kids. I think that was hardest when i was on maternity leave. I had so little time to read or watch tv and he would ask me about current events...that got me irritated. Once i got back to work, there was more to talk about - my world broadened again. Anyway you cut it, the first 1-3 months are very rough.
I've seen that roles have definitely changed. I'm not working right now, so I am pretty much the primary care giver for the boys. As much as I adore each day home with my children, I feel a little resentful sometimes that my husband doesn't do more around the house. I really think that in his mind, I'm home all day so I can certainly handle the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. on top of baby care and attention. Then I wonder if I'd be better off at work where I'd feel more productive. I just try to remind myself that seasons of life are temporary and that I need to cherish the little moments with my boys while I'm fortunate enough to be at home with them. I also know that my husband truly misses them when he's at work and he calls home more during the day just to ask how we all are. All in all, I think every parent of twins will have good times and bad. (We just hope the bad ones don't last long!)
QUOTE(kuchar @ Dec 20 2007, 08:25 PM) [snapback]542288[/snapback] Our relationship is doing pretty good, but I wanted to add I heard recently the rate of divorce for couples with multiples is 70%. Helen I heard the exact same thing too, yesterday! I heard it on Quint-essentials if you've ever watched it. It's a reality show about a couple and their 5 babies...woah! I've been questioning my marriage here lately and I'm sure it has to do with the babies being so little and a toddler. My poor DH does everything and yet he doesn't do enough. He works then does the cooking, the shopping and bathing my 3 y/o. I give him breaks..actually I encourage them but he really doesn't give me a break. I'm sure he doesn't want to be left alone with all the babies but he doesn't think about me. I have to ask him to do things he doesn't just do them on his own. Just this evening Hayley was screaming in my ear so I was talking loudly and then he yelled at me and then I yelled back asking if I deserved to be yelled at and he said he was being yelled at and I had to explain that he wasn't being yelled at...I had to talk over a screaming baby in my ear. That's how it usually goes for us. So, we have our good moments and bad moments. Who knows what tomorrow brings.
QUOTE(2BMommyof2 @ Dec 21 2007, 03:37 AM) [snapback]542459[/snapback] Having twins has been really hard on our marriage. We were only married for 2 months before we got pregnant so it was a sudden change. We were together for 7 years before getting married so we weren't so concerned about getting to know eachother... because we already knew. These first few months have been very difficult for us. I often feel alone and wonder if we will make it. The past couple weeks has been better, but I wonder if it has anything to do with the holiday season. I wish he would help me more but I think he feels left out and like I don't have any love left to give him. I could have written this myself...in fact I think I have. DH and I GOT married in the hospital during my 20th week of pregnancy (we had a huge wedding planned so no, it has not always been my dream to get married in a hospital gown). Although we were college sweethearts and lived together for 6 years prior, I still don't feel "married". I guess there just hasn't been that closure that a wedding brings to dating. Not to mention, we didn't get to consumate (sp?) the marriage until the boys almost 6 months later! I too get scared that we won't make it and always suggest to DH that we get counseling. But just today when I mentioned it he said "why? we're the happiest couple I know!". And he's right, we are happy most of the time, but I feel terrible for the lack of intimacy in my marriage and wish I could do something about it. He says things like he got knocked aallll the way down the totem pole and that I don't have any room for him and it makes me really sad. I know that if I put forth a little more effort, things wouldn't be like they are but I just don't have the energy. I do feel like when I stop nursing the boys as often and they become a little more independent that our relationship will flourish again. The love is definitely still there...just misplaced.
QUOTE(serranoboys @ Dec 20 2007, 09:18 PM) [snapback]542519[/snapback] I could have written this myself...in fact I think I have. DH and I GOT married in the hospital during my 20th week of pregnancy (we had a huge wedding planned so no, it has not always been my dream to get married in a hospital gown). Although we were college sweethearts and lived together for 6 years prior, I still don't feel "married". I guess there just hasn't been that closure that a wedding brings to dating. Not to mention, we didn't get to consumate (sp?) the marriage until the boys almost 6 months later! I too get scared that we won't make it and always suggest to DH that we get counseling. But just today when I mentioned it he said "why? we're the happiest couple I know!". And he's right, we are happy most of the time, but I feel terrible for the lack of intimacy in my marriage and wish I could do something about it. He says things like he got knocked aallll the way down the totem pole and that I don't have any room for him and it makes me really sad. I know that if I put forth a little more effort, things wouldn't be like they are but I just don't have the energy. I do feel like when I stop nursing the boys as often and they become a little more independent that our relationship will flourish again. The love is definitely still there...just misplaced. I think the fact you are aware of all this is a huge sign that you guys will make it. It is sooooooo hard those first 6 months, I always say the first 6 months went by PAINFULLY slow and the 2nd 6 months went by way too fast. I found once mine started sleeping better I had the energy and attitude to be a good wife. But no matter what you DO have to put forth the effort and so do they!!!
My DH and I are driving eachother crazy. We talk to eachother like 12 yearolds on the play ground picking a fight. He has been amazing and has been a HUGE help from the beginning. I work from home and make twice as much money as he does. I do have a nanny from 9-3 three days a week but I am trying to cut down her hours so that we can save some $$$. This means that many days a week I am working from home - conference calls etc... AND watching the kids. I think I am a really good wife and he is always telling me that I am not nice to him and he is "afraid" to talk to me because I am irritable. I think I am really nice to him. We talk multiple times during the day on the phone and always start and end with I love you. We kiss hello and good bye and talk about our days and go out by ourselves as a couple every other weekend. I think it is silly that I, a woman, mother, and wife, am being told that I am NOT NICE to my DH because I may snap at him or lose my patience or have a difficult day or be trying to talk over a screaming baby. The kids are 6.5 mos. now and it is like now that everything is calming down a bit we have this time to reflect on our marraige. I am soooo sick of feelinig like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I have never been one to sugar coat things, that has always been my way. I feel like if AF is in town and I am irritable a bit then maybe he should just chalk it up for what it is, a stressed out mother of twins having her time of the month. I totally ask him about his work and listen as he talks about it every night. He golfs everyweekend and neither of us really care to have a boys night or girls night out or anything because we prefer to be with eachother. THis being said we simply cannot communicate as he ALWAYS thinks I am going against him or something or takes EVERYTHING personally and it is driving me insane. I recently have just sort of been really laid back about it not combatting back and I thought he would appreciate that until last night when he told me that I was acting like I was better than him. Can someone please give me a break here ! Amy I admit that I may be wrong and am really trying to always talk "NICE" to him but for the record I believe he is overly defensive and actually being quite mean to me. Do we sound like we are 12 or what??!!
Our marriage was pretty strong before, and I think it's about the same now. I think a lot of that is because we had help with the babies for the first two months (my mom was here), the babies are good sleepers, and DH isn't working, so we both have a lot of time and energy to devote to taking care of the kids and the household. That said, the intimacy in our marriage is sorely lacking right now. I need to make waaaay more effort, and I'm trying -- I just feel so gross, though, with the extra weight and the nightmare of a belly and the saggy boobs and the pumping -- not to mention, there is really zero time to even have a quickie in the afternoon, LOL. If the babies are sleeping, my older DD is usually awake.... I don't ever question whether we will make it, though. My DH, too, is aware that this stage is temporary, and we will get the old fire back at some point.
QUOTE This means that many days a week I am working from home - conference calls etc... AND watching the kids. I took K&K to the office with me and took care of them while working my 40 hours a week (I did this for 4 1/2 years). While it seemed like such an ideal situation at the time (wohoo I got to care for the kids and also bring home a paycheck) in the end I totally believe this was a major factor in the failure of my marriage. In my opinion, the money you save by trying to cut back on the hours may not be worth it to a marriage. I am not at all trying to sound preachy here but taking care of the children while trying to work is a huge challenge and I definitely think if we had scraped up the money for help of some sort I might not have been as irritable. I remember sitting in the driveway before heading in for the night saying to myself "ok Di, just be nice.............you have to just be nice" then one thing would be said or whatever and I would be grumpy. I am sure it was the stress of being the breadwinner, mommy etc etc at the same time and if I could do it all over again I think having help would have been a small price to pay to save my marriage and prevent me from my current situation in having to do it pretty much alone financially (I do get $300 a month) and emotionally.
Our relationship didn't make it. It was rocky when I got pregnant really. Splitting up was the best thing for me and the girls though. Less tension and anxiety and the girls don't have to listen to us argue - which was my biggest concern.
This has been a really good thread to read right now. Thank you to everyone that shared their experiences. We are in the thick of it right now and have had moments lately that I can't believe were us. DH and I have always been very comical and forgiving in our marriage. It has been impossible to capture that much of the time lately. We just keep apologizing and moving on hoping that we learn to handle it all better with time.
