Making friends -- social skills at 4?

My boys don't have a regular group of kids they hang out with. We go places where there will be other kids often and I've noticed major changes in their desire to interact with other kids (suddenly, they can't get enough...) They love to share and do fine taking turns. They will approach and attempt to engage any child. They try very hard.

I have noticed, however, that they only seem to get to play with older girls. The boys their age seem to be more interested in declaring the playground equipment THEIRS and not sharing. The girls their age seem intimidated by two eager boys bounding up to them and talking loudly. The older boys dismiss them as too young to play with. So, they run and swing and slide with each other and the older girls who seem to be drawn to them. I said something to another mom at the playground about it as her older girl was occupied with a doll and she laughed and said her daughter had already asked to come and play on the tire swing with them.

I'm wondering what I can tell them to help them learn to play with the kids their age? The last little girl they terrified, I told them to approach one at a time and tell her their names before asking hers. I also told them it wasn't nice to make up a name for her because she was too shy to answer (they were calling her Kiwi). She warmed up a little with the calmer approach. But the little boys who play the "MINE" game... what to do?

 

Are you more concerned that they're not playing with boys their age, or that their feelings are being hurt because the other boys are not being friendly? If it's the former, maybe it's not such a bad thing -- just think of all the bad social skills your boys aren't learning because they're not playing with those kids! It sounds like your boys are just somewhat more civilized than most kids their age. :good: They are doing really well at being friendly and initiating things, and the older girls just happen to be more responsive to their style right now. And they're even making progress at learning how not to terrify younger girls.

If their feelings are being hurt because the other boys won't play with them, maybe you could encourage them to sort of parallel play near the other kids, but without confronting them directly (so as not to trigger the "MINE" response -- which, I agree, is really irritating!). You can also teach them to tell the other boys that playground equipment is for everyone and they are allowed to use it. I've done this on behalf of my kids a few times, and the non-sharers are always taken aback and somehow miraculously learn to share. I don't know if it would have as much of an effect coming from the child rather than the parent, but sometimes it can make a big difference if someone (whether child or parent) just tells these kids flat out that their behavior is not acceptable.

 

Actually, both. My husband is very worried that they have no friends their age to come over and play. They're asking to do things like have kids over to play on their swingset and today Trent was asking specifically about having a sleepover. I don't think the other moms would appreciate an invitation to bring their 5-8 YO daughters over to sleep with my boys... I also don't want them getting so much rejection that they quit trying to befriend their peers or worse -- adopt the bad behaviors to attempt to fit in.

 

Sorry -- I guess I didn't realize that you were worried about them not having friends. I thought you were just trying to figure out how to handle the playground interactions.

Is there any more structured setting where you could meet kids of the same age -- a class, church, etc? I sort of think of playgrounds as (from the kids' perspective) being like a bar hookup -- you might find someone you enjoy hanging out with for awhile, but you're unlikely to make lasting friends.

When the kids were younger and there were a few playgrounds we went to often, we did see the same people (often other sets of twins :ibiggrin: ) there repeatedly, and the kids learned each other's names, but we never even got as far as exchanging phone numbers. Most of the kids my kids hang out with are either from their preschool or are the children of our adult friends.

 

I think that friends/playdate connections are more made through repeated meetings than through just a spontaneous trip to the park. All of our playdates tend to occur after seeing someone at the library over a period of weeks or happening to meet up at the same park at the time for several weeks. I've noticed with my kids that it takes them several exposures to a child before they really make up their mind whether or not they want to play more. That might not be the case for your boys, but it is likely the case with the children your boys are finding.

For you boys, I would suggest talking to them about how to make friends. Even role-playing out how to walk up nicely, how to speak quieter to not scare the girls. I've had to do that with Sarah. She's extremely shy and I have to help her talk to kids without shutting down. I give her questions and suggestions that she can ask. I also think at this age, parallel play is still very much how kids play.

Even at 4, it was hard for my kids to make friends other than the few that we regularly had playdates with. In social situations they would huddle together and play and ignore any kids they didn't already know. It's taken practice, role-playing, and repeated exposure before they did better socially.

Marissa

 

hmmmmm . . . c&a have some friends who we see a LOT through school and regular playdates. but they also, like t&t, suddenly this summer were SOOO into making new friends every time we went to the playground. it seems like every week they come home telling me they made a new friend. it's actually really cute. and it was great when we were in seattle visiting my family and they didn't have their friends around. i haven't found that it's been an issue - maybe because i have both a girl and a boy so whichever the new "friend" is they connect? i also find that they seem to do best when there is just one other kid their age or on the playground that they become friends with - i don't know why.

i think it's worth trying having just one of them approach a new friend at a time and see if that helps. good luck!

 

Everyone loves the girls ardon: the come into daycare and it seems EVERYone knows their names. Their daycare class is all girls (fell sorry for their teacher 8 3-4 year olds is too much for me!)

The older girls are probably interested in a motherly kind of fashion with the boys. My girls really like younger children so they can mother

 

I agree with others that you have to get them into some sort of setting where they are repeatedly seeing the same kids. Maybe a class or team? Or maybe just library storytime? Unless they are in preschool or you have neighbors/family they always see, you kind of have to manufacture settings where they can make friends at this age.

My kids made their friends at church. Since we go three times a week (Sunday morning, Sunday Evening, and Wednesday evening) plus plenty of fellowships and other activities, they get to see them pretty often. One of the great things about it is that there are very few age barriers. The older kids like "looking after" them, the kids their age all run (literally run!) around church together between services, and they like "looking after" the younger ones. If you ask them to name their friends, they will name kids age 2-11. I love that and wouldn't change it for the world. In fact, I plan to foster it. By being able to interact well with people of all ages, their social skills will be beyond those of their peers who will end up stuck with the mentality that they can only get along with kids their own age.

So, I certainly wouldn't discourage your boys from playing with kids who are either older or younger (and the opposite sex), but maybe find a way to give them repeated exposure to other groups as well (boys and girls their age and younger).

 

Make friends with people who have kids your kids age and then force them to be friends . That is what i have done, and it has worked great! Even now when I am not as friendly with the mommies we still get the kids together!