Mad, Sad, Frustrated, Tired, Resentful.......

I don't even know where to begin but I'm hoping just venting to people who I know will understand will make me feel better. Thanks in advance for listening!

Tonight I am just feeling mad, frustrated, resentful, tired and then even sad at just life in general here at our house. I was trying to fix dinner tonight and the boys were fighting over toys, wanted only me to hold them, crying/screaming at the gate for me to come and get them...UGGHH! Then my husband says at dinner "Are they like this all day?" "Do you respond to their every need...maybe this is why they are acting this way?" Meanwhile I have fixed dinner, cleaned up both boys, washed the dishes, the spaghetti flung on the floor, while he sits on the couch and "watches the boys". I then give both boys a bath, dress them, brush their teeth and put them to bed by myself because he has fallen asleep on the couch. Plus I'm upset with myself because I yelled at the boys tonight and I just don't want to be a Mom who yells.

I don't want this to sound like a bash against my DH but sometimes he just makes me really mad. For the most part he is a great father and husband but given the opportunity he will allow me to do most of the work - but would never admit that this is true. I guess I have created alot of this mess because it just seems easier to do alot of this myself vs. arguing with him about doing any of it. So...how do I get it all done and not feel so darn resentful? I hate that feeling and tonight I felt like I was transferring my frustrations towards my DH onto my boys which I don't want to do.

Ok....I know that probably just sounded like a rambled mess but thanks for listening.

 

:hug: :hug: We've all been there... I know all too well what you mean about not wanting to be a mom that yells! I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of you!!

 

just wanted to send you :hug:'s

 

:hug: We have all been there. It is hard, incredibly hard!! I have had lots of moments when I have been ashamed of myself for yelling at the girls. My mom was a yeller and I swore I wouldn't be. I don't know how you do it and not be a little resentful, I know I am sometimes. Today will be a better day, I hope. :hug: again!

 

Oh, I totally understand!
A few days ago I tol DH I get real anxious in the evenings with all there is to do and want a break. He said "What would you do then?" I said "What you do! Sit in a chair and watch!" He couldn't help but laugh - he knows he has a good deal....
(But nothing has changed here either!)

 

:hug: I hope you have a better day today!

I don't know why, but around here dinner is the hardest meal for me to cook and get on the table without having a meltdown myself or burning it! After frustrations, tears, yelling, etc....I have finally convinced my DH that things would go ALOT smoother in the evening if he could keep the twins entertained and out of the kitchen until I have dinner on the table. Maybe I am hard core, but I don't take the excuse of "Well, I had a bad or busy day at work...I'm tired". Well, guess what buddy...staying at home with twins makes me tired too! He has realized that it is non-stop action all day long with the two of them and I so very much appreciate his help in the evenings!

Don't beat yourself up over yelling at them. We all have those bad mommy moments. :hug:

 

*hug*

I understand where you're coming from since I was in the same place you were about 2 years ago. Since you asked for help, I'll share what I did:

(1) Talk it all out. You talk about what you need and want, and he talks about what he needs and wants (make sure you're both listening to one another and reword what the other one has said to make sure you understand where the other is coming from). No accusations; just describe the things that you need/expect here.

(2) Compromise now. Each of you agree to do certain things from the "list" of what needs to be done and work out what seems fair between the two of you. Be patient during this process, since you'll both have your own ideas of what fair is and what it isn't. Talk about what you think and really listen to one another.

(3) Set up two days a week where you can alternate a rest period. Or, you can work something else out. In any case, you want to have an agreement about when it's ok for one of you to take a break completely from all responsibility (whether this is a half hour each night for both of you, or one day a week for each of you).

Then, the hardest part is to let go and let each other do what they've agreed to do. Get out of each others' way and let the other person do their thing their way. This was *really* hard for me (I'm a control freak and have mild OCD). So we had to sit down every few weeks and adjust things until we were both happy. We've got a pretty good system now, but it took patience, work and time (and lots and lots of communication).

Men seem to understand better if we're direct with everything. Unfortunately, they sometimes choose to ignore what may be obvious to us because we haven't said anything directly about it. So yes, you're doing most of the work because you haven't told him this isn't cool so he might think it's ok to you on some level. He may be aware of your frustration but not sure how to fix it because maybe his fix isn't what you expected or wanted, so he may be feeling helpless, which may contribute to frustration for him too.

However, I'm guessing wildly here and I have no idea what's really going on; you'll have to sit down and talk in detail and make sure that both of you know what the other expects and needs.

I'm sorry I rambled so much, but thought I'd answer beyond just commiseration since you asked for help. I sincerely hope this helps you (and maybe anyone else reading this)! Best of luck to you. I very much sympathize with you *hug* I hope I haven't offended you by launching into this long ramble! If so, I'm very sorry. Let me know and I can delete it

 

I meant to also say something about yelling at the kids. I'm very much with you on that! We all feel like yelling from time to time. I do certain things to avoid yelling if I can, although sometimes my frustration leaks out into my voice...and then I have to tell them that I'm sorry because we don't talk to other people like that; I was frustrated and I should have done ABC instead.

 

I can totally relate to your Vent on this topic. I deal with the same types of issues, except I have four children who are a little older than yours. I too, had to have a talk with DF recently and let him know what I need him to do.

For me, personally it would be easier if things werent so rushed, but I get home at 6pm everyday, and have to make dinner and give baths, and brush teeth, etc. .AND my Kindergartener has homework to do. I tried explaining that I cant be in more than one place at a time. If my back is facing the kids at the table, can you just be nearby to keep an eye on them. .If Im upstairs running a bath with the girls, can you supervise the boys brushing teeth downstairs? etc.

It is hard to ask for help, when most of the time it seems easier to do it yourself. But on those days, or times when you are really struggling, you NEED that extra set of hands, ears, eyes, or mouth. Although, when you're in the midst of having a hard time, its not the best time to tell DH that he needs to help. lol I learned that the hard way. . saying some things I knew better than to say, just because I was frustrated.

I hope you are able to work through this, and get on the same page with DH. I know it sounds bad, but we kind of have to 'train' them to react a certain way. Eventually they will learn that when Mommy does xyz, Daddy needs to step in. If you dont normally yell, and he hears you raising your voice, he should help. Or if you make a face, or use a certain 'clue' word, he needs to be there. Or if you just want him to check in with you every 15 minutes or so, to make sure you are okay. .or if you want him right there next to you helping every step of the way!!

I hope Im not taking this too far with my response. I know you said your DH is usually helpful. Maybe it was just my personal experience coming through, but I think all of us mommies have tendancies to give our spouses slack, that we dont get to enjoy ourselves.

 

Hugs from over here too...

I feel like I have made this post before. I think men still have this romantic idea of what their job is within their nuclear family. It's tough for some to break out of 'tradition' especially if they had a father who didn't do that type of thing while they were growing up to set an example.

DH is a SAHD so he kind of didn't have a choice in learning the domestic side of things. It may be difficult but you have to talk about your needs. If you keep it under wraps mommy's not happy and therefore no one will be.

Take some time to yourself once a week at a minimum so that he has to do the baths and bed time routine so you can have a break...or pick something, anything he will take care of everynight (i.e. empty and load the dishwasher.)

You have to be specific...can't just say I need your help...he can't help if he doesn't know what you need.

Good Luck,
Lindia

 

Thanks everyone for all of your support and wonderful words of advice. Life in my house has gotten better. For some reason the other evening was just a real low for me....I don't know if I was just overly tired or what. I think my husband realized I was at my wits end and we were able to talk about how we could run our evenings a little better.


Thanks again....you all are wonderful!

 

I'm so happy to hear that! *hug* I hope things continue to get better

 

That is great news! I am glad you guys were able to talk it out and your DH took notice!! Hopefully, things will stay on the upswing for you all!!