Lost It

I don't know what happened this morning, but I've literally lost it. Every fear I've had since being pregnant seems to have come together in this moment. This pregnancy was a surprise in the first place, and when I found out it was two, I just cried. Now I feel so guilty because I still haven't been able to turn that feeling around. I know I am blessed that thee babies are healthy so far, I just have become so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do.

My dh and I are not and have not been getting along for a long time - we almost separated right before I got pregnant (how does that happen, right??). He works long hours, but does manage to pick up our ds after work, gets him dinner and puts him in bed (a total of 1.5 hours - they usually get home at 6:30 p.m. and ds is in bed by 8 p.m.). I have the mornings, but in the last week or so, even moving around the house is difficult. We have two flights of stairs that you have to go up to reach the bedrooms/bathrooms, so getting ds and I dressed and ready to go in the mornings seems to take a lot out of my morning. It doesn't help that I don't sleep anymore and have low iron, which contributes to the inability to get anything done. I have also been responsible for putting together the crib, doing the nursery, finding/putting together car seats, making sure we have all of the necessities (bottles, diapers, etc.), writing thank you notes, putting up the valences/curtains, putting together the playroom AND working my 32-hr job.

Normally, this wouldn't phase me at all - I am a type A personality (as much as I had to admit it) and getting things done is what I thrive on. Now I feel like I can't get anything done and am being a bad mom to boot. I miss spending fun time with my ds - I used to get off work every day by 3 p.m. and have the entire afternoon/evening with him. Now I'm in such a bad place by evening, I don't even spend much time with him. Then, last week, I fell and messed up my knee (thankfully the babies were okay) - which provides a whole new dimension to trying to get around let alone lay on my left side to rest (it was my left knee).

Friday brought my first trip to L&D for contractions. Dh had to stay home with ds, which was fine. Problem is when I tried to call him three times, he never answered the phone. Everything was okay, and I was able to go home... where I came home to house without a single light on (we have lots of stairs) and dh asleep. Good thing nothing was wrong; I would have been alone at the hospital.

I also told dh I wanted us to take ds to see UP this weekend, because I felt like that was something I could actually do. When I went to the office for a couple of hours yesterday, dh took ds to UP without me.

I know that I am complaining, I just feel so isolated and lonely right now. I can't even manage my life with one ds and work, how am I possibly going to manage once these two babies get here? My friends and family don't live here (we relocated for my dh's work), so I have very little support. I'm either at work or alone at home, and it seems like I can't figure out how we are going to make it through all of this. I was sitting in my car this morning crying because it seems there is nothing left to do. If I could just close my eyes and wake up in a different time and place, maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and clueless.

Sorry for the vent ladies - thanks for letting me get this out.

 

:hug: Momma!! I am sorry you have so much on your plate right now. I think a lot of what your feeling is normal, and the pregnancy hormones tend to exacerbate every situation. I am so glad to hear that the babies are doing well! Keep up the good work, and best of luck to you!! :hug:

 

Oh my momma you are going through alot right now! :hug:
Just vent and complain all you want! If that's what it takes to feel better then I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Talk with the Dr about iron supplements if you aren't on any right now. Also talk about prepartum depression since it does sneak up on you.

Does your family know how you are feeling or how things are going? Can a family member come stay for a while? Or maybe a neighbor or friend who you can lean on for some support?

 

I'm sorry you have so much going on right now without enough support. :hug:
Have you tried talking to DH about everything. Even if you two aren't getting along perfectly right now, you still are carrying his two babies and taking care of his other baby.
I would also talk to your doctor about your stress levels. There are probably lots of different support groups in your area, such as MOM (moms of multiples) that are great.
You're doing wonderful momma!!!!!

 

I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed :hug:
I think it is totally understandable with all that you have going on ~
All you can do is just try your best to take it day by day (or even hour by hour!)
I agreee with the pp about telling your OB about your stress level right now, she/he may have some suggestions for easings things up for you.
Hang in there & you are doing GREAT :hug:

 

Ohhh I feel so bad for you! :hug:s I am sitting here tearing up at my desk. I know how hard it is when it's a surprise and how hard it can be to turn that around. I can't imagine having a hubby who isn't as supportive as he should be. I am almost 27 weeks now so not too far away from your 29 weeks and it seems like all my fears are coming back again, maybe it's just the stage we're at, let's hope so.

Definitely talk to your doc and a friend or family member, even if it has to be over the phone. I wish I could help more! :hug: It will be ok momma, have a good cry, let it all out and try to pamper yourself a little bit to see if that will bring your spirits up. Hang in there!

 

Oh mama, we've all been there at some level, you just have a lot going on at once!

Even if you don't think you have the budget, STRONGLY consider making a part time nanny or babysitter part of your life for the first few months. This did wonders for me mentally and they can help with anything you need, housework, ect. and mine charged $15/hr which isn't cheap but we only need her part time. They really are there for YOU which is nice when you feel all alone, which many of us do.

Otherwise check local churches or mom's groups. They can give support, meals, babysitting. If you line up support it will really help you mentally.

You are stronger than you realize and you want to be as calm as possible for your little ones who need you!

Good luck, we're all here for you

 

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. :hug: It's okay to let it all out. You are going through so many changes right now and have lots of hormones going on. :hug:

 

:hug: Vent all you need to girl! Sorry things are so rough and i know its hard when you already have a lil one at home especially at this stage. I agree with pp to talk to your dr about stress levels and to see what you can do to try to relax a lil more. Good luck! :hug:

 

I was so happy to not see anyone badmouthing your dh who is lacking in the support department right now. Since post-partum plays an even bigger strain on marriages, i suggest starting some sort of counseling, even if he is unwilling, maybe going yourself. Without open communication between you two, the stress may climb too high and put a strain on the pregnancy or an even bigger strain on your marriage. But I completely understand that it is hard to talk rationally to dh when the anger and frustration is there---go ahead and vent as much as you need HERE, then, in a calm moment at home, say "honey, can we talk?" I really think this needs to be opened up now, and you can take on all your faults and hope (and pray) he can admit his own....mine, I was too controlling and that left him feeling disrespected and me feeling unloved, and him feeling out of control and.....on....and....on......
Another suggestion? I know you NEED love and some extra attention right now, but maybe start with giving him some--it may or may not be reciprocated, but I pray it will be--eventually.........
I hope I helped---this is really tough stuff and the hormones are really in overdrive..........GOOD LUCK! :grouphug: