Lose any friends?

Hi everyone! I've never posted before but have checked this forum a million times over the past year looking for advice! I had my twin boys via C-section (Twin B had IUGR and was breech)last December. We had been trying for 5 years with 3 losses along the way, and finally resorted to medicated IUIs. On our 3rd attempt we finally had success! My boys are 9 months old next week--after what seemed like a neverending wait, they are growing up way too fast!
I hope you don't mind that I use my first post to vent a bit--I need to hear some feedback from twin parents.

I had an issue a few weeks ago with a close friend who had been giving me the cold shoulder for several months. When I finally confronted him, he told me in a nutshell that his wife had gotten upset with me, because I wasn't around for her anymore to talk or spend time with. She went through a major crisis with her teenage son right after I had the babies, and she had tried to call me to talk about it. DS2 was not a happy newborn, and didn't sleep very much once he came home from the NICU. I didn't have a lot of time to spend on the phone-as most of you probably can relate to. My boys were not always on the same schedule--and when they finally did sleep at the same time, I used that time to pump, eat, sleep, or try to get some stuff done around the house. I was able to call her back about a week later, once things finally started to settle down a bit, but she didn't want to talk to me. Then I never heard from her again until this conversation with my friend.


When I tried to explain to him how insane it was in the beginning,and tried to remind him that his children (NOT twins) had been babies once, his comment was "Yeah, but I know there's some down time." I just saw red. Down time? Seriously?

How would you deal with this? How do you get past it? I'm not even sure I WANT to sometimes...

Thank you if you've read this far. I just feel like very few people understand what this is really like.

 

1.) Welcome to TS! I'm glad you are not lurking anymore!
2.) Congratulations on the birth of your twins!! Can you believe they will be one in three months?!?! Yikes! Goes by fast, huh?!?

As for your friend...wow. I'd see red. And unless they had twins, or other multiples, they would know there was NO down time. And if there WAS down time, I can absolutely guarantee, I wouldn't have been spending it on the phone. I was doing what you were doing-pumping, feeding, cleaning, SLEEPING, etc. If it was THAT important to her...what she could have done was simple-come over to your house, help you with the babies, bring/make lunch/dinner and talk. Simple as that. I am perfectly capable of listening to someone while watching my kids.

I don't know what I would honestly do. I would be extremely hurt for one. Especially from another parent. It's amazing how quickly people forget. I think there may be two choices-meet up with her and talk to her about it, if the friendship means that much to you. Or, walk away. She doesn't seem too supportive to me.

 

Meaghan said it perfectly. I would be incredibly ticked off! And frankly, I don't have time for people who would get upset over that kind of thing, especially their total lack of compassion for your situation. I might give her a call directly and explain how busy things were at that point, but I don't feel you owe her an apology.

 

This is what I was thinking too. If her children are teenagers she has probably forgotten just how hectic and unending the newborn days can be (not to mention having multiple babies). She was obviously hurt by feeling like you didn't want to make time for her when she needed support, I'm not saying that was reasonable just trying to look at her point of view.
Anyway you said she is/was a close friend so I guess the real question is do you want to continue to be friends with her? If you do then I think you will need to meet up so you can talk it out-let her explain her side and you explain yours, although I agree that you don't owe her an apology-and see if you can continue your friendship from there. If you don't then you cut your losses and walk away.

 

Zoe and Meg already said what I would say as well Consider the friendship and go from there. I also have become more distant from some of my friends bc they either aren't ready for kids or only have 1 where as I have 3 that are 2 and under...it's just harder in some ways! :grouphug:

 

Thanks for your input ladies. It helps to hear that you feel the same way I do. I'm extremely hurt, and angry, that they took this stance and chose to ignore us and our babies rather than try to talk to me about it back when it happened.. I invited them over several times back then, and they didn't take me up on it. I explained the only way I could talk was if they were there with me in the house. I know they were hurting, but there was nothing I could've done differently. I was physically and mentally exhausted over my babies and my own personal life at the time. Any "down time" went to much-needed sleep--and I know YOU all understand that! I guess I needed to hear that I'm justified in how I feel--because they really made me feel like I had become a selfish person.

I'll see how things go. I work with the husband and rarely see the wife since all this happened. I have no problem being cordial, but I don't know if it can ever be the same with all of us.

Thank you so much for helping, ladies! And for the warm welcome! I hope you're all doing great with your LOs! :thanks:

 

Many people think they know howled going with twin family. But true is they don't. Nobody can imagine how hard/busy it is with twins in the first 6 months. Having twins will change your lifestyle and the way to socialize with friends, I mean everything really. Hopefully some day your friend will understand.

I remember the first 3 months we didn't talk to anybody at all. Ppl called me always got my voicemail. Many people were not happy about that. Bur hey I had 2 premature babies to take care of. So I totally understand your feelings. Hang in there!

 

Another vote for your friend is not being understanding of the realities of twinfants. It's about survival at the beginning--there is definitely no time for anything else.

Personally, if she were a long-time true friend, I would reach out to her again--email maybe and explain again and try to set up a time to meet up.

 

I see your frustration. It seems like it would be obvious to people that its overwhelmingly demanding to take care of twins. I hate to spell it out for people because it makes me seem like a martyr but sometime I have to. I'll have a friend come from out of town and say that she wants to see me and all three of the kids and then turn around and ask where we should meet up. Then I have to go into this whole explanation of how its exhausting and stressful to go somewhere with twin 10 month olds and a 3 year old. Then i seem rude if i don't bring my kids to see THEM. Sorry, just venting. Some people just really don't understand what its like because they have never lived that.