LISTENING!

OK so my twins are 14 months. JD listens time to time, and Amberlynn is a horrible listener! They know what 'NO' means but sometimes they just dont care!! It is so frustrating. I think they have it down and then times come like last night where i felt like i was saying NO every minute for like an hour! So, my question is, when is the avergae age that kids really know what listening is, and if its now and my kids are just testing me, when and how is it ok to punish them??? I would like to put them on time out, but they dont understand that, so sometimes i will put them in their crib for 5 minutes, or ill hold their hands together so they cant move for like 5 minutes. I really need some feedback cause i dont want to hold off on it and wait till its too late to punish and then its nearly impossible for them to listen!! Thank you!!!!!

 

My boys are almost 15 months, and it is the same thing with them. Sometimes when I tell them "no", they stop, and other times, they just ignore me. I have found it helps to tell them specifically what to do or not do. For example, we are currently trying to reinforce sitting on their bottom rather than standing in their toddler chairs. Rather than just saying "no" when they stand, I say "sit on your bottom". The first few days, I would actually go over and turn them to sit the way I wanted. They now know what "sit on your bottom" means, and they usually do it, so I'm not saying "no" as much. I also praise them like crazy when I catch them doing it on their own without being told. If they keep standing despite being told to sit on their bottoms (usually after 3-4 chances), I will go over and simply pick them up and put them on the floor rather than the chair. It's surprising how effective that can be! If that still doesn't work, I redirect them - get them playing with some toys, etc.

We are also doing things like "don't hit your brother", "don't touch the trash can", etc., although it takes the longer to catch onto the ones that are "don't" things. It is easier for them to understand what I want when I can tell them to do something rather than to NOT do something, if that makes sense. I can't wait until they are older and we can start more specific discipline, like 1-2-3 Magic (which isn't appropriate until age 2, I think). When all else fails, I simply redirect.

 

While my kids started following directions fairly well a while ago, it's only now that I'd say that they're starting to have the attention span to "listen". And we still have a loooong way to go. Discipline isn't really effective until they're closer to 2. In the meantime all you can do is keep redirecting them toward things that you want them to do and rewarding whenever you see good behaviour.

 

I would say that my kids really started to listen better as they got closer to two. I think what you are doing (holding their hands or putting them in the crib for a few moments) helps. At that age, even though my kids really did not "get" time outs, if they did something like bite or hit, I would put the offender in my lap and we'd go out to the kitchen, sit facing the wall and be in time out for a minute. I would not say anything to offending child until the minute was up. Another thing I did was to praise good behavior when I saw it, even if they weren't aware that it was considered good behavior (sharing, giving each other a hug).

 

I agree with all the pp's and especially the above. At that age it really is all about redirecting. Using positive phrases as much as possible has made a huge difference for me. They find it easier to respond well and I feel much better that I'm not constantly saying no/telling them to stop. Finding something they can do, which is similar to the thing you want them to stop doing, can be really helpful too. So if they're banging on the trash can/tv/window give them an empty plastic tub instead, if they're throwing blocks find them a ball and so on. Then you are still letting them do the action they want to but in a way that's acceptable to you. Praising when you see them do something right is a really important part as well.

Time out/1-2-3 magic etc really aren't suitable for toddlers under 18 months (and most need to be closer to 2 years). They just can't make the connection properly so it's not effective. Even when they do start the guideline is 1 minute per year of age. I don't think there's anything wrong with you holding their hands for a moment (or putting them in their crib if they're really driving you mad) if they are being very persistent with a behaviour you don't like, but I think 5 minutes is much too long. I would just do it for one minute, more so that you can catch your breath and think of something to distract them with. I'd also try to keep it as a last resort, for big things like hitting/biting or when you've had to pull them away from one thing 10 times in a row.

 

We're in the same boat. I feel your pain.
I agree with pp's about redirecting and I believe (and have read over and over ) that telling them what they CAN do versus what they CANNOT do yields better results at this age (although I don't always follow my own advice ;-)
I'd caution just a bit about using the crib as any type of time-out or punishment area. Negative associations can develop, so perhaps use some other chair or corner.

 

Whatever you are going to do for discipline when they do start listening is what you should be practicing now. It is not too early to teach and be consistent. It will be harder if you start the discipline when you think they understand you because their listening skills are months ahead of their speaking skills. Even when they are older and hear what you are saying they may not have the ability to follow direction every time - that comes with maturity. We just turned two years. We have been using "quiet place" (similar to time out except not a certain spot) since 14 months or so - infrequently and only for things such as hitting, and only for a very few seconds. We started seeing some results at 18 months meaning they understood to go sit down but not to stay - so we had to hold them. At about 20 months they would sit and cry...but didn't get that they had to settle down before getting up. This was our REALLY trying time. Now they go sit down, whine, but know they have to wait until I say they can get up. When we get up we count to 10 and then go hug whomever we offended and say sorry. Still, I don't do this for every little snafu, but the minute I ask if they want to sit in the quiet place, it is usually enough. Still, though, it only works for a couple of hours and then we have to revisit the quite place...lol. I hear that it will be a very long time before they have the ability to mind. Personally, even when they know they are doing something wrong, I don't expect they have the ability to always stop themselves. This is key, because as adults we know wrong and we make a choice. They may understand wrong and just can't help themselves..heh heh. Oh wait, that is an adult sometimes too!

We also do the telling what TO do rather than what not to do. So if they are on the table I say put your feet on the floor, rather than get off of the table. Good luck - it is just beginning. Just do your best whatever discipline you choose to stay very consistent. It can be very hard...there are days I struggle so much. I have asked a couple of mothers when they start listening consistently and they told me when they are 18! HA!

 

ITA with PPs who say it's all about redirection and enforcing positive actions (throw a ball, not a train; sit down vs. don't stand). My guys are over 2.5 and they *still* respond better to redirection and telling them what to do, than telling them no! They do understand, but I think that for a long time, kids don't really get the fact that "no" means that they should respond in a certain way.

 

I'll just ditto pp's. Redirection still happens often, although some days I feel like all i say is no. Mine are now into the "ignoring" phase. They know what no means, but they just ignore me if they don't want to listen to what I have to say. It's driving me crazy :lol: But patience, and more patience, and a smidgen more patience, is what will get us through these battles of wills!