Letting them go hungry if they refuse to eat?

We have good days and bad days here, but for months our boys have been terrible eaters. We think a lot of it has to do with teething, which they have been doing constantly for five months now (they only have their 2yr molars left to get). Their weights are not good and we've been having to work very hard with the pedi to get them to gain any weight.

This week has been especially bad, and we've had to practically force them to eat anything. When I say force, I mean sometimes we have to hold their head still and spoon soup/ice cream/whatever they'll eat into their mouth. And sometimes it gets spit out. It's ridiculous.

My BIL has been in town this weekend and watched all of this. He thinks that this is all a game to the kids and they are totally playing us. He thinks if they refuse to eat, they should be put down from their chairs and too bad if they get hungry later. We tried this today at lunchtime when Ben barely ate a thing. We set him back down in the floor and later when we put him down for a nap he was so hungry he refused to go to sleep, which never happens. He later ate his snack (which he always does) but once again had to be forced to eat his dinner. DH and I did not feel right sending him to bed with no food at all in his belly.

In some ways, I do feel like they are playing a bit of a game, but in others, I think their mouths just really hurt and they don't really want to put anything in them. If we work with them, we can get some calories in them. But it is sometimes ridiculous the efforts it takes, and it is always stressful.

Do you think they are too young to use this "go to bed hungry" method? Is this the right situation to use it? I just don't know.

 

We have good days and bad days here, but for months our boys have been terrible eaters. We think a lot of it has to do with teething, which they have been doing constantly for five months now (they only have their 2yr molars left to get). Their weights are not good and we've been having to work very hard with the pedi to get them to gain any weight.

This week has been especially bad, and we've had to practically force them to eat anything. When I say force, I mean sometimes we have to hold their head still and spoon soup/ice cream/whatever they'll eat into their mouth. And sometimes it gets spit out. It's ridiculous.

My BIL has been in town this weekend and watched all of this. He thinks that this is all a game to the kids and they are totally playing us. He thinks if they refuse to eat, they should be put down from their chairs and too bad if they get hungry later. We tried this today at lunchtime when Ben barely ate a thing. We set him back down in the floor and later when we put him down for a nap he was so hungry he refused to go to sleep, which never happens. He later ate his snack (which he always does) but once again had to be forced to eat his dinner. DH and I did not feel right sending him to bed with no food at all in his belly.

In some ways, I do feel like they are playing a bit of a game, but in others, I think their mouths just really hurt and they don't really want to put anything in them. If we work with them, we can get some calories in them. But it is sometimes ridiculous the efforts it takes, and it is always stressful.

Do you think they are too young to use this "go to bed hungry" method? Is this the right situation to use it? I just don't know.

 

Do they eat independently at all? Are they using utensils? I know Bea will refuse to let me feed her with a spoon at times. She wants to hold the spoon, and now she wants to put her spoon in the bowl, and will protest and not eat unless she can do it herself. Do they eat better in different situations, like sitting on the floor for a snack, or in a restaurant?
I haven't had mine out and out refuse to eat all that much, but they do get stubborn if things are not their way. Maybe tinker with the way meals are done till you find something that they like. If you really think it's teething pain, try giving some Tylenol or Motrin maybe 30 min before the meal.

 

have you tried putting oragel on their gums before they eat or given them tylenol or motrin 1/2 before they eat to help with pain and swelling if it is teething. My boys are doing this now. They eat, but not very much. They both have the four on top, four on bottom, and are both working on their 1st year molars which I have noticed is very painful for them. Also try cutting the snack. If they will eat that, then they should be able to eat lunch or dinner. so instead of a mid-day snack, wait until dinner time when they would be very hungry and see if it is a game to them. If they are that hungry to eat a snack they will eat their dinner instead, if it is easy to eat with their gums sooo sore. I hope this helps.

Keri

 

Well, I think you should definitely talk to your pedi about this since they have weight issues, BUT generally speaking I think that forcing a kid to eat does more harm than good. First, they will pretty quickly figure out the connection between not eating and being hungry. In most cases I think kids eat when they're hungry and don't eat when they're not, so there's no reason to force them to eat if they're refusing food. Besides which, it's totally stressful for you, AND I think forcing them to eat can lead to problems down the road.

So in our house, when they refuse to eat (which happens fairly frequently!), they don't have to eat, and I try not to make a big deal out of it. They aren't allowed to throw their food, but they don't have to eat anything if they don't want to.

But honestly in your situation with weight issues I'd definitely talk to the pedi to see if the "standard" advice applies.

 

I've been wondering about this too -- can I ask a follow-up? If you do let them be hungry, do you give in if they ask for food before the next scheduled meal/snack? Or do you make them wait? Would you do this even at night (when the next meal is breakfast)?

I read about this in the book "Child of Mine," which overall I really liked, and her main argument is that you should not even encourage a child to eat, let alone force -- just offer food and let them decide. But she doesn't address what you do when a child is too hungry to sleep.

 

Having gone through feeding issues and been to a feeding clinc with my boys I can safetly say that FORCE FEEDING your child is BAD! It is so hard on you and on them. It teaches them that eating is a negatiave experience and it makes food a control issue, rather than what it simply is - energy to meet your daily needs. I would offer them three meals and 2-3 snacks a day in their highchairs/booster seats. Don't offer food any place else, this was a big thing the feedin clinic stressed. YOUR job is to offer nutritious food and THEIR job is to decide what they will eat. I would highly recommed removing the battle field from meal time, simply offer food and if they refuse to eat, say oh well . . . and move on to the next activity. Don't act disappointed or angry at your child, they can sense your frustration and they turn these negative feelings into an association with food. Just keep offering foods.

Also, I agree with the tylenol/Ibuprofen before meals for possible teething pain.

I would feel free to talk to your pedi if you are concerned about weight gain. Have they gained any weight? Even if it's just a few ounces? ARe they following their growth curve? All toddlers are different sizes and weights. Not all children eat as much as others nor gain as much weight. My guys are 2 years old and weight 24 lbs, so they are pretty small compared to the average child. But they have followed their growth curve.

Also, do they drink alot? If your child drinks a lot of any beverage it will fill them up and they won't have room for food. Always always always offer food first and then the milk at the end of the meal.

I know how hard this is and how much you want your babies to eat and thrive. Just know that you are doing a great job and keep on offering foods and try to remove any negative behavior/language from meal time. Feel free to pm me with any questions. I hope I didn't sound harsh towards you, you are doing a great job. I just wanted to strongly emphasize that force feeding is not the way to go. Keep on plugging!

 

Something I heard once is that there are very few things in life little kids can control, and the first one they figure out is food. The second is potty-training.

I have flat-out refused to play the food game with my two. I would start giving them more choices in general, like picking out shirts, or picking out which of 2 acceptable foods do they want to eat. Like banana's or strawberries, or offer 2 types of crackers and let them pick.

Another thing I would try is peer pressure. I was honestly shocked how soon I saw peer pressure work with my two. I started taking mine to the library before 18 months old and they would start sitting because all the other kids were. Ask around your friends and find someone with kids who like to eat and invite them over. When other kids are having fun doing something, most of the time, they'll really want to join in.

Realistically, teething did affect our eating. Give some Tylenol or Motrin 1/2 hour before. Don't use the orajel. If they swallow some while eating it will numb their throat.

I'm watching a friend struggle with eating and her son (who's the exact same age as yours). I watched them one meal once. She nagged the poor kid the whole time about the mess, about not using utensils correctly. The boy had no fun at the table and couldn't wait to get away.

I hope you find something that works. My two are generally good eaters, but they've had their moments.

Marissa

 

My daughter is a very picky eater too and it is always at mealtime. Snacks, she always eats...so I just make sure she gets a lot of nutrition at snack time. Here are some of the things they like for snack that meet all the food groups requirements:

Cheddar cheese shredded on the smallest shred side of the grater--they love to eat "little worms".

Apple or pear cut into shapes with little cookie cutters

Mandarin orange section (seasonal treat)

Whole wheat "roll-ups" (Cut crusts off bread, spread with cream cheese or peanut butter, roll up. Cut into sections)

Roll up deli meat: Turkey breast, ham

Berries!!! (Expensive off-season, but really good for them and they love them).

Yogurt

As long as they eat well during snacks, and you know they're getting the nutrition, just ease off at meal times. You don't want meal time to be a battle ground (eating--or not--is one thing THEY have complete control over). Maybe serve more "fun" type foods, just like snack time to change the vibe around mealtime. DH made them pancake snowmen on the weekend, and they helped decorate them and they ate everything on their plates. I know it's frustrating!! I hope some of the suggestions on this thread work for you!!

 

quote:
Originally posted by Minette:
I've been wondering about this too -- can I ask a follow-up? If you do let them be hungry, do you give in if they ask for food before the next scheduled meal/snack? Or do you make them wait? Would you do this even at night (when the next meal is breakfast)?

I read about this in the book "Child of Mine," which overall I really liked, and her main argument is that you should not even encourage a child to eat, let alone force -- just offer food and let them decide. But she doesn't address what you do when a child is too hungry to sleep.

Well honestly I have never had that problem. I pretty much have only EVER offered food and drinks at the designated meal/snack times, and they have no expectation of receiving it at any other time, so quite honestly I don't think it occurs to them to ask for food at any other time! When we're in the process of fixing the next meal, they will hang over the gate and say "Eat! Eat!" but otherwise they never go to the gate and ask to eat. If they see one of us in the kitchen with the Cheerios box, though, watch out!

And I've never had a problem with them not sleeping due to being hungry. So no, I don't give them any additional food outside the normal mealtimes, even if the next meal isn't until breakfast. My pedi actually mentioned that a lot of small children don't eat a great dinner because they are tired by the end of the day and they've already eaten two meals and snacks, so they often don't really need that meal. Makes sense to me, and dinner is usually the most-rejected meal in our house. But they are great breakfast eaters!

Anyway, I just think that anyting I can do to avoid the mealtime battles is a plus, AND I think that with our culture's weight issues, "don't eat if you're not hungry" is a really important lesson I can teach my girls.

 

quote:
My BIL has been in town this weekend and watched all of this. He thinks that this is all a game to the kids and they are totally playing us. He thinks if they refuse to eat, they should be put down from their chairs and too bad if they get hungry later.


Your BIL actually has a very valid point. I am going through this right now with Grace. I spoke with the pedi about it and he said NEVER force feed. Just like you and I have likes and dislikes, hungry or not hungry they are individuals too and you can't make them want something they don't want. I'll ask you the same question my pedi asked me. How much are they drinking and when? He told me to cut out ALL liquids at least three hours before meal time and then only offer something to drink once they had adequately eaten their meal. He also said NO snacks between meals until they learn how to eat during mealtime. He also made a good point. Babies come out drinking their meals, so that is what they get used to. You have to train them to eat solid food. Good luck.

Angela

 

I struggle with the answer to this question, as we have had this issue at times, but never so bad that their overall weight was an issue.

At their age, I really do not believe that they understand the concept of "not eating the meal means no snacks later" - They may be playing you, because at that age, I think they are definitely smart enough and capable of doing that. When we have had problems with this, we basically give in and give them whatever they want (within reason) to eat. Cheerios for dinner, sure if you'll eat them. Hot dog and chetchup (how my son says catsup) for breakfast, sure if you'll eat it.

 

PS I do not plan to let this continue when they understand the concept. I refuse to be my grandmother who made three separate meals at each mealtime based upon what her husband and kids would or would not eat. I just don't think at this age they understand that yet.

 

I would just add to all the great replies the following: offer them a varied assortment at each meal. My guys are teething too, (each already have two bottom molars and the tops are coming in) so I can understand having two toddlers with little appetites. What has worked for me has been offering them 4-5 things at each meal. If they choose to just eat one or two, great; I'll let them fill up on that. Like last night for dinner I offered them: 1)veggie burger 2)broccoli w/cheese 3)applesauce 4)bread w/butter. Colin filled up on #2 and #4, while Ryan ate #1 and #3. That was just an example of one meal; I think by the end of the day, each has eaten a well-balanced variety of food.
Maybe your Pedi has some advice too...?

 

Mine stopped eating around that time too. I found this article to be a big help.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/T030800.asp

 

AGain because of the weight issues your ped may have other ideas.

BUT I made the huge mistake of being a short order cook with dd. She is such a picky eater now but it is getting better. So the boys will eat what I make for dinner or go hungry. PERIOD. Of course i always make a side dish I know all 3 kids will eat such as pasta, macncheese or home made potatoe wedgies etc. I DO believe they can play us at this age and will not give in to the second time around!

HTH

 

quote:
Originally posted by Stellaluna:
I would just add to all the great replies the following: offer them a varied assortment at each meal.


I was going to post the same thing. That's pretty much how I avoid them going hungry. Usually even if they refuse the main meal (meat/protein and veggies) they will eat the fruit or carb offered. Not the best meal, but over the course of the day, they eat enough. I have never had them refuse a cracker, cheerios, or mandarin oranges. After dinner, they get a sippy of milk before bed. Usually if they ate light at dinner, they drink all their milk, which reassures me that they aren't going to bed hungry.

 

Thanks to all for the feedback. To answer a few questions: they probably drink anywhere from 12-20oz of milk per day. It varies a lot, depending on how they feel (if they feel good, they will both eat and drink a lot). However, I am definitely cutting down on water and juice, and I am going to try to hold off on milk as much as I can until the end of the meal. Ben is hard, because he tends to need milk often throughout the meal to help swallow his food. My strategy will definitely change with the milk, though. I do offer a variety of foods for them to try. Sometimes they reject it all. Also, I am just now introducing utensils, so they can't do it themselves, although I am sure they would love to.

Also, their weight growth curve has slowed and even dropped. Ben-- not even on the chart. It is a big concern for the pedi, so I am reluctant to let them go hungry. But maybe a little bit of this will help in the long run. In the past month we have worked really hard, adding a lot of fat to their diet. It has paid off, as they have gained a whole pound! But a lot of that fighting has gone into it, and I cannot do it anymore. It sounds like I shouldn't be, either.

I've also been talking to my sister, who is a speech therapist and works a lot with kids with eating issues. We think that while this probably isn't a manipulative "game" they are playing, they do have a strong negative association with food (possibly due to severe reflux issues as infants, plus the forcing). It takes very little to set off this negative association-- teething, tired, the wrong food. She thinks it is more of a psychological issue, and my anxiety makes it worse. I also think they are bored in their highchairs and need more stimulation to make it fun and interesting.

So this evening, I tried giving tylenol 1hr before dinner (usually I only give it at naptime, which wears off by mealtime). I also created a more mentally stimulating environment that helped entertain them. Bingo. They were quite hungry and ate ALL of their dinner plus a big bowl of ice cream! No forcing or anything! I was so excited I nearly cried. Praise God. I'm not sure if it was a fluke or not, but I'm more hopeful.

Thanks again! Keep any ideas coming please.

 

Hey, that's awesome!

 

Hey that's great! Hoep it continues
Just an FYI about utensils. When I say mine are using them, I mean that they hold them and try to feed themselves, but aren't 100% successful. They are much happier if I let them do it though, and I can even sneak a few spoonfuls into their mouths. You have to be prepared and OK with having a big mess though. Today they had mashed butternut squash in their own bowls with spoons, and both of them used their hands to eat (in addition to the spoons), and ended up with their faces in the bowl. Reminded me of A Christmas Story "Show me how the piggies eat!".

 

It must be something in the air because Grace has eaten every bite of every meal I've given her the past two days. She even ate a VEGETABLE!!!! WTG Mommy!!!! Keep up the good work.

Angela

 

I haven't read all of the responses, so sorry if my post is redundant.

I will stop feeding my kids if they don't want to eat. I tell them they don't have to eat if they don't want to. My dd didn't want soup for lunch which is what we were having, so I didn't make her eat it. I also served carrots and pears which she likes and she ended up eating a bunch of those. But if she didn't want any I won't make them eat it. I have read that if you force feed your kids they can have a tendency to be overweight later in life, and since that is an issue within our family I try not to do that. I feel bad sometimes too, but I know if I'm not hungry I don't want to eat too.

One of the things that helped was a friends recommendation of giving them Rold Gold Honey Pretzel Sticks. I need to watch them while they eat them, but it is something they can chew on that helps take pressure off of their gums and still give them something to eat.

HTH.

 

I asked my Pedi about this b/c mine have not been eating very well and have dropped to the 10th percentile for weight.

She said that "kids will NOT starve themselves. If they are hungry - they will eat. However, with teething, you have to be sensitive and offer soft foods like yogurt, applesauce, ect"

She also said they are old enough to "play games and manipulate" so they best course of action is to offer food and if they play with it or start throwing it - take it away and try again in an hour or so. Also, she said it will be tempting to offer cookies and candy just to get them to eat but that this is what they want and try to only offer nutrious foods.

I have started giving them pediasure drinks just to get some calories and vitamins in them. I think this works best for us b/c if they have a horrible food day - I know they are still getting nutrients from the Pediasure.

Erin

 

I didnt really want to repeat anything already said but I just want to add what others have said.

Do not look at what a child eats in one day but what the child eats over the course of one week. Mine are great eaters, if you only look at what they ate for the week. Each day though they are pretty picky. But overall they get a good variety of foods for a week.

My youngest 3 sit at a table and eat with a fork. They dont always use the fork and sometimes I am vaccuming 2 or 3 times in one day but they eat and they are happy. They get up and down a hundred times but it isnt a fight and thats all I care about. I will also let their food sit for a little longer than necessary to see if they will take an extra bite or 2.

I am of the opinion: Whatever works!

I am glad that you had a good night of eating and heres to having more nights like that to follow.

 

My 3 year-old is a terrible eater. Our ped said not to force her to eat, and that if she complained of hunger later to offer her the food she didn't eat at dinner. That way, she still has the "choice" to eat what was offered to her at dinner, and if she's hungry enough, she'll eat it.

 

All great posts! I just wanted to add a few things that have helped with my picky little Tyler.

Presentation-this is a big thing to Tyler. I have so much better luck when I give him bigger pieces to eat. He likes big chunks of fruit, long strips of chicken nuggets, larger pieces of toast than I was cutting, etc. I had tried to give him PB & J sandwiches and never really had any luck. My hubby called me at work one day and was all excited because he had bought Uncrustables for Tyler. Tyler loves them---but you have to cut it in half so he can hold it like a watermelon slice. Small pieces of things just don't float his boat. I started sensing this one time and gave him larger pieces. I would keep saying "take a bite" in an excited voice and he just ate and ate. I still cut up things small for Paige, but that a big "no no" from Tyler.

My pedi also told us not to force it. As mentioned previously, he said kids won't starve themselves. I also tend to give a drink at the half way point of a meal.

Utensils-Mine love to hold spoons. They want to put the spoon in the applesauce, cereal, etc. and feed themselves. I do encourage this as much as possible, but sometimes I find this difficult if I'm feeding them by myself just because of flying food. (or if we are in a bit of a hurry since them feeding themselves takes much longer) But, I did discover that as long as I let them put the spoon in the container or bowl to get some on their spoons, I can use my own spoon and they will open their mouths while they are still concentrating on getting the one they have in the container.

Paige (who is my good eater) isn't on the charts and Tyler is only in the 25th percentile, so I know how you feel about being concerned over the weight. Poor Tyler has NO waist! But I do think overall they are eating well enough. There are some days I just want to scream and then I remember one thing the doctor said. He reminded me that I don't always feel the same amount of hunger for meals and that kids are the same way. He said he will make up for it the next meal. Dinner is my most difficult with Tyler and I really don't think his sleep has ever suffered.

Hang in there!! Tyler has gotten better (still has a ways to go--crazy kid still doesn't like mac n cheese--can you imagine????) and I hope the same happens for you.

Hugs,
Amy

 

wow, you have a lot of replies for this topic. Eating is always a struggle for us too. My daughter has reflux and just started eating puree food at 16 months and they are 19 months now. My daughter's poor eating habit really affect her brother (who was a champion eater till I started feeding together). He started copying her bad eating habits. What really works for us is keeping them distracted, letting them hold a toy or give them a task like puzzles or poker chips. Recently, none of these works for my daughter,so we started giving her a spoon with a little yogurt and her own bowl so she can make a mess while we feed her the puree food. It's always difficult for us so we are constantly looking for toys to stimulate them. The funny thing is they actually enjoy being in highchair but it's the actual feeding part that is difficult.