learning to stay close and/or hold my hand

Hi Everyone, I am new to this forum. My twins just turned 2 last week. They are learning to become and wanting to become more and more independent which is great in some ways and scary and frustrating in others. Today I ventured to take them to a park by myself for the 1st time. They did great at the park, but when it was time to go my DS didn't want to hold my hand and was whining and struggling against me. Once we got to the car, I opted to put him in 1st and told my DD to stand right next to me. She is usually really obedient and not nearly as prone to run off as my son is. Anyway, the lot was empty and, while it was a small parking lot, I really didn't think she would wander beyond the van. Well, next thing I knew, I looked up and she was heading towards the busy street - maybe only 20 ft away!! I hadn't even finished strapping my DS into his seat but I yelled her name and ran towards her as fast as I could (being 28 weeks pregnant, mind you). I live in a fairly small town and a lady stopped her car in front of the entrance and told me she was ready to get her, if needed. I thanked her and grabbed DD and carried her back to the van. Once I got them both properly in their carseats, I just lost it. I was shaking and crying. How am I going to do this with 3 kids?? And, when do kids start to listen better? How do you teach them to stay with you? Because of their newfound independence it is getting harder and harder to keep them in a stroller and because of my pregnancy it is getting harder and harder to carry them or pick them up when they refuse to go with me or hold my hand. I am so frustrated and feel like such a failure. I know it was my fault for trusting DD to stay close while I dealt with her brother. Overall, they are really good kids, though. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.

 

Hi, You are not alone...I wrote a post very similar to this as I would love to go out walking more with my 2 (who have just turned 2) but am struggling with one or the other running away. The one thing I have figured out (so far) is getting them in the car. When I get to the car with both kids, I ask them to touch the tire (just to keep them both there with me), then I lift my daughter in and put her between the 2 car seats (she then climbs into her own seat. That only takes a second and while I'm lifting my daughter in I keep my son 'trapped' with my legs (between the car/car door and me.) I lift him in right away after my daughter and strap him in, then go and strap my daughter in. Wow, that was harder to describe than I thought - hope it made sense.

Lately I have been doing something else that is working - for now.....I put their harnesses on just in case, but walk without using them - then I ask the kids to stay only on the sidewalk until we get where we are going. If they step off the sidewalk they get picked up, which of course they don't want. It has taken practice but seems to be working. Others I have heard bring the stroller and make your kids hold on, then if they don't behave they have to sit in it. The harness doesn't work well for me but is great to have on just in case so it is easy to grab if one or the other decides to take a run!

It is hard but I've heard it does get easier!

 

First, a big hug to you. You did a great job handling two kids in the park by yourself. This is not an easy task. Second, please give yourself a break. They are two years old. They get distracted very easily and they wander if they see something that catches their eye. That is normal.

I belive it takes repetition and practice to teach them not to wander and to hold your hands. Explain over and over again that you must hold mommy's hands when crossing the street, in a parking lot, in a crowded mall, etc. Again, they are only two years old and are apt to forget or get distracted, so keep reminding them.

Because they want to be independent, tell them when we get to X, then you no longer have to hold mommy's hand anymore, but while we are crossing the street, etc. you must hold mommy's hand. With my two, they know if they do not hold my hands, they will be carried (a little tougher for you being 28 week pregnant. You can try using the stroller if that is easier). Once they know the consequence, and that you will seriously use it because it is a safety issue, they will learn that you are serious and will hold your hands. However, you have to keep reminding them from time to time as they are only two years old and are prone to becoming distracted and tend to be forgetful. And my favorite trick is to make them hold each other's hands to slow them down.

I do something similar to the PP at the car. They both go to car. I open the door and DS (a little more agile than DD) goes in first and climbs over DD's car seat to get to his. In the meantime, DD must touch the inside of the car door. She remains between me (I am behind her) and the inside of the car (which is in front of her) while we wait for DS to sit in his car seat. If she tries to wander off, my body prevents her from going anywhere. Once DS is through to his car seat, she climbs into her carseat. The reverse happens on the way out. I lift DS out of his carseat and carry him to DD's side of the car. I open the car door and he must hold onto the inside of the car door. He is in between me and the inside of car. I then lift DD out of the carseat. GL!

 

Thank you, both, so much! You both gave great suggestions and ideas on what I can (and should) do in the future. I was feeling down all day yesterday because of this, but I am feeling much better. I am supposed to meet a few mom girlfriends at another park tomorrow morning for a playdate and definitely plan on doing things a little differently this time. A part of me is really just mad at myself for not thinking clearly and for letting my guard down with the twins yesterday. My stupidity could've resulted in a horrific event and that is hard for me to let go. But, I am getting back on the horse, so to speak, and hopefully tomorrow will go a lot better for all of us. Thanks, again for your help and support!

 

yes, don't be petrified to try again. it can be very hard!

I never gave mine the option to be out of the stroller until recently... because of the logistics etc. If we were out of the stroller I would do the harnesses. they have to hold my hand w/the harness on, so I just use it as a "just in case" and training them. I think that they are "just 2" and you just can trust them... hopefully you can get a plan to help you get them in and out of the car safely.

I finally this last month have started letting them walking in and out of the Y when we go. we've been going several times a week and they are getting really good at it. but let me tell you when we started 6 wks ago I went in with the double stroller for a few weeks. Repetition really helps, so keep up the good work.

sorry for the scare!

 

One other tip - I have started using the word STOP when things are really serious. They hear NO A LOT so I heard from another mom to use a different word when it comes down to something really serious. I have also started talking the boys when they are in the car that if they dont listen to mommy then they could get really hurt. It often seems like I am talking to a brick wall, but I am starting to see that bits and pieces are SLOWLY sinking in. Also may not hurt to get some of the simple harness just for your peace of mind - you could have it hooked to your belt loop or the stroller with the new baby or something.

Also with the fighting you on holding your hand - I have simply told them it is NOT optional under certain circumstances - parking lots, sidewalks, etc. and if they fight it then they either get carried or into the stroller - period. Clearly you cant carry them right now so maybe having the stroller with you and if they fight it then they go in the stroller.

But props to you momma 2 year old twins and preggo - I am not sure I would have the energy to get off the couch!

 

Stroller... until they learn to behave and listen. If I'm anywhere in a crowded parking lot I will put one of the kids in the car while I strap the other.

 

Don't beat yourself up. I always put both twins in the car and buckled one and then the other.

I also wanted to tell you that things like that happen to all of us. My girls are 4 and the other day, we were at the park. We have been to the same park bunches of times. I was looking at a pampered chef catalog and talking to another mom while our kids were playing. Next thing I know, I hear hey you guys come back!! I looked up not thinking much about it , HOLY COW it was my girls heading straight for the busy highway!!! OMG!!!! I started yelling STOP!!!!! They kept running. I ran after them ( 24 weeks pregnant) and finally they stopped. I swear I was so upset!!!!! I took them both to the car and ALL the way home I talked to them about the dangers of running off and told them if they ever left the playground area again, we would not go back. Oh my goodness I was so shaken!!!

 

I still do the "trap DD between me and the car" routine while putting DS in. It works, and I always know where she is.

 

I am loving all these great tips and pieces of advice! I am also really appreciative of the stories of support and the "been there done that" sharing. I think I know what I have to do . . . keep using the stroller and/or be smarter about loading them into the van, reinforce the hand holding/being safe behaviors, keep talking to them about their choices and consequences, etc. It makes me feel so much better, though, to know that I am not alone. Sometimes I look at other people and their toddlers and feel like I am the only one who still has to use a stroller or cart to keep them with me. I see so many (especially at our community center playgroup) who just walk in holding hands with their moms or walk through the mall w/o a stroller and stay close to their parents . . . I keep thinking "what am I doing wrong?!" I often feel like my twins are a little "young" for their age (they seem to hit most/all of their milestones fine, but their maturity level - if there is such a thing at 2 - seems younger than their age to me) but I also feel like I am maybe not teaching or guiding them as well as I could maybe? IDK. But, I appreciate everyone's shared experiences. I am motivated to keep at it, for sure!

 

You are doing just fine, kids have a mind of their own and I will tell you that even with my 17 YEAR old, just when I think he is mature enough BAM!! He reminds me that he is still a kid LOL!!

 

Oh and I avoid the mall at all costs. My girls are like hyper misbehaved poodles at the mall. Last time we were there, Addison walked out of a shoe store with a shoe and I did not notice until my son said OMG mom!!!! addi stole a shoe and we had no idea which store she jacked it from so taking it back to several stores was quite interesting LOL!!!! Feel better now???



And stroller??? My two have HATED the stroller since they were 4 days old. With this new baby, I am going to train him to ride in the stroller and I am not going to let him know that walking is ever an option in a store LOL!

 

My boys are two and a half now and are listening pretty well, but that 10 second moment when my head is in the car strapping in one ds while the other is standing in the parking lot still makes me nervous. I have done the block him with your body technique but as they get bigger it seems more awkward and difficult. So what I do is this: whichever one is 2nd to get in the car has to "help" mommy by holding the diaper bag. It is heavy, I hand them the handles and then slip the shoulder strap over their head so they can't just drop it and run off. So far they are so distracted by being a "big boy" they don't bother to go anywhere, and I figure they wouldn't get very far with the bag if they tried.

 

In the parking lot I have one of them hold (or rather hug) my leg while I strap the other one in. The good thing is that I feel immediately if the waiting child moves (or gets restless) and they like doing it. So far this has worked well for us, but I am always super nervous until they are both safely inside the car, the stroller or holding my hands.

I second the idea of teaching them a special word for emergencies to make them freeze whereever they are. I use "sit down" in a special voice and without my customary "please" or other polite "softeners", mainly because I started using it at home with so much success (like when they are heading towards the hot oven or when I drop something and there is broken glass all over the floor), and they know they may not get up before I explicitly allow it.

Don't feel bad about using the stroller, or harnesses if you need them. Safety first, always!

I think we have all had days when we watch other moms and admire how they handle their children and we have all had days when we were the ones being watched and admired - even if we did not realize it or did not feel worthy of admiration.

 

I do the cornering the opposite one that i am putting in the carseat inbetween my legs and the door as well. It keeps them close until i can get the other one in or out and not running off.

 

Yes, we rarely use a stroller since they are pretty much over that one. What help at this age was a wagon and the thrill of that hasn't worn off yet! My girls are angels when it comes to holding my hand, staying next to me in public, etc. HOWEVER, when it comes time to leave the park..forget about it! You are not alone. So a wagon is a good kid carrier. If you have a mini-van, i actually put them both in the car and the only way out is the door im standing in front of...so one moves back toward her seat while I'm strapping in the other....GL

 

Sorry if this is repeat I didn't read all the replies. My kiddos just turned 2 in early March. I use two methods. I either sandwich one between me and the car while I am putting the other in. Mostly though, Jude ALWAYS goes in first because I cannot trust her and no shouting, one-word method, anything, compels her to stop if she is really wanting to do something (hoping that changes.) So when I put Jude in I explain to Zoe there are cars around and she needs to hug my leg. This has been very effective as I can feel the smallest flinch. Now, with this method I do not stay silent. I am constantly talking, "great job holding momma's leg Zoe, don't tickle me, where's my knee?" etc. etc. I don't always have to for her but it helps to keep me focused instead of getting Jude buckled in and just forgetting for a second that she is down there, because we park on the street and I know it can take seconds and she is gone. We have all been there - I feel your pain and just want to send hugs. As far as going anywhere sans stroller they are to hold hands or they have to get into the stroller. If they hold hands then they follow me and it is kind of a game. For some reason that has been effective. It is a constant puzzle every time we go out, and I rarely go without my stroller handy. I just think it will be forever before Jude especially is going to listen perfectly.

 

I say although it is a pain, the stroller is the way to go. I rarely go anywhere without mine because it's the only way I can be sure they will be safe. I have one that would be sure to dart out into the street and she is FAST! I have to wrestle her into the stroller every time, but I do it because I know it's the only way right now (mine turned 2 in January) Mine are also at the age that if I tell them they have to hold my hand, inevitably one of them will resist and get all floppy or throw a tantrum and it will be impossible to get them from Point A to Point B without physically dragging them! So I think the stroller is the way to go with twins at this age. I'm dreading taking them to the park this summer because I'm afraid of what will happen if they start running in opposite directions! I admire your bravery, especially being pregnant too! When the baby is born, maybe you'll have to put one (or both) in a harness. I was never really a fan of those, but after having these twins I can totally understand why people use them!!!!

shannon

 

I have a minivan and I always open the door closest to me, and they both climb into their seats (the other door is always shut. They usually both climb into their seats or my DS will go to the third row and hide until I have to strap him in Either way they are BOTH in the car safe and sound while I buckle one in and then the other so I don't have to worry about one of them running off. I didn't read all the PP so sorry if this is redundant. This works well for us

 

i've seen several times where some children dutifully climb into their seats... uhhhh not in my house! which is another reason that it was just easier to do the stroller at that age... now at close to 3 yrs they are finally getting better, but my dd is still a stinker and doesn't climb into her seat immediately... which means she is trying to get in the front seat and getting into my hand lotion etc. anyway, for me it's not the easy way out to just put both in the car and then buckle one at a time.