Lauren's Behavior

A little background... Lauren has ALWAYS been the more shy, skiddish one of the two. I know I am not supposed to compare and I have done a pretty good job so far, but it is becoming a lot more noticeable. Mattie does good. She still has her moments, but generally ok.

At first (18 months old) I said it was seperation/stranger anxiety. Well they will be 3 in 5 weeks and it isn't any better. The only place I can leave her is at daycare and she cries every morning when I leave. But my real concern is her seperation from others and not wanting to be involved. For example... we are having Bible School this week. I have to carry her in, she won't walk. We went to crafts first and she flipped out because I wouldn't let her use the scissors. I had to take her out of the situation because she just can't cope.

Then we went to hear our lesson and make a crown. When someone speaks, she draws up and makes this whining sound. Mattie went to the table with the other children and made her crown and Lauren & I had to sit in a chair against the wall because she didn't want to be around the other kids. Same thing in music; Mattie fell right in with the others singing and Lauren was with me with her head hid.

What am I going to do? I feel like a failure. Is there something else going on where I should be worried or is she just like this? How long should it last before I become concerned? All of the examples I used were from last night, but it is like this anywhere we go. I am just so frusturated. :cry:

 

Brandy, does Lauren ever interact with other kids, or does she always hide or shy away? Does she warm up to new situations? What about daycare? After she cries when you leave her, does she then get into the activities with other kids? What do the daycare workers say about her behavior and socialization? How is she at home when it's just your family? Does she interact with Mattie?

(sorry for all the questions... but I figured my advice and other people's advice would be different if Lauren never interacts versus if she's slow to transition to a new situation)

 

Have you ever discussed your concerns with her pediatrician? If not, my advice is to schedule an appointment with the pedi, have all your concerns written down, and go over everything with the doc.

I'm also interested in hearing your answers to the questions Tricia asked. Is Lauren's behavior only extreme when you're around, or does she do the same types of things at daycare, or with Daddy, or other caregivers? How long does she cry when you drop her off at daycare?

 

QUOTE(idril @ Jun 16 2009, 10:46 AM) [snapback]1356338[/snapback]
Brandy, does Lauren ever interact with other kids, or does she always hide or shy away? Does she warm up to new situations? What about daycare? After she cries when you leave her, does she then get into the activities with other kids? What do the daycare workers say about her behavior and socialization? How is she at home when it's just your family? Does she interact with Mattie?

(sorry for all the questions... but I figured my advice and other people's advice would be different if Lauren never interacts versus if she's slow to transition to a new situation)


Hey Tricia,

I welcome the questions. She does interact with other kids on a minimal basis. She is usually very bossy with others. At daycare she stops crying after I leave and is ok then. There is only 5 of them at daycare and she has been around them since she was 6 weeks old. If other children (she doesn't know) speaks to her she will put her hands in front of her face and hide or draw up. She does interact with Mattie.

I haven't spoken with the pedi lately about it. I guess we last addressed it at her 2 yr old visit. He said it was the age, blah, blah, blah. I think Lauren is worse when I am around. If daycare goes to the library she has to sit in Jodie's lap and the others have learned that she is "just that way:.

 

Brandy, I seriously wouldn't worry too much!! She's taking advantage of having you there!! My kids wouldn't do ANYTHING with me there for the longest time and still hover and hold my leg in "stressful" situations (like lots of kids or kids AND adults is worse - they do better with all kids). Then I put them in preschool at 3.5 and they have FLOURISHED. BLOSSOMED before my eyes. Now they let the "man" take their pics for portraits etc. and will play with the other kids.

Now, some kids are just going to be more wary in those situations, but my guess is that if you weren't there - she'd get over her crying and get with the program. Since it doesn't sound like that is possible I would just participate as much as you can.

It's like if you are walking across a balance beam and it's really narrow and high - if you had a bar there to hold on to, you might use it. She WILL if you are there. You are her safety.

:hug: :wub:

 

Thanks Diane! Since I am there, I guess I have to make the best of it. I just feel terrible because I feel this is a learned behavior that is my fault. :angry:

 

Aww Brandy! Don't beat your self up!!! :hug: It seems like this is just her temperment, just how she is, not necessarily what she has "learned". I don't have any real advice on how to deal with it or modify her behavior, but I feel your desperation in your posts. Going around feeling gulity about it will do you no good, you're just trying to do your best to protect your daughter and no one can fault you for that...even yourself!!! I wouldn't run to the pedi right now or anything, but I would start keeping a list of some of the worrisome behaviors to talk with the pedi about at their 3 yo check up.

Hang in there!! :hug:

 

Thanks Catie!! :hug:

 

Brandy, I agree with Catie. I'd keep a list of the behaviors with very specific examples and discuss with the pediatrician at your next visit in case he has suggestions or ideas for how to introduce her to social settings that would help her grow out of her shyness. But the fact that Lauren does interact with other kids, even if it's in a bossy or shy fashion, is a good thing. And I agree with everyone else... this is her temperament, not something you taught her. If you had taught her this, your other daughter would act the same way. Hang in there!

 

B, I don't have any advice. :hug: I just wanted to say that you are most definately not a failure and to please not be so hard on yourself. :hug: :hug: Tony goes through periods like this... and I know it's frustrating, to say the least, but try not to worry right now and definately no blaming yourself, you hear me? :hug: :hug:

 

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to pop in and offer lots of hugs. :hug: You are NOT a failure as a parent, at ALL!! :hug: My first thought was just what others said, she has you at that moment, and doesn't want to let go. :hug: Definitely bring it up at her next visit. :hug:

 

Brandy, It's not your fault, I think some kids just have these tendencies.

My dd is painfully shy (3.5 y/o) and I have stopped dong anything for her in social situations I will not allow her to sit on my lap or use me to hide. It is really hard to remove myself like that but it really is what's best for her. She has slowly started to reach out to others when i do this. She is (slowly) learning that she can do it herself. I've never had a child like this before so it is quite strange to me. This dd is very independent and if the others are playing something she has no interest in she doesn't mind going off and playing on her own but she will join in when they do something she wants to do.

When other kids are there (non-siblings) she won't play with them unless her twin brother is there. I think she feels protected by him. I am working hard to try to create situations to ease her into them and desensitize her.

Good luck. Don't blame yourself. :hug:

 

Brandy, I have no advice either, but I know Trevor is definitely going through some kind of separation anxiety thing now as well. He always wants me and only me. It's been going on for a few weeks now. I would definitely bring it up at their 3 year old ped appt. But as others have said, it's nothing you have done, you are not a failure. :hug:

 

Aww you guys! :wub: Thanks!

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Jun 16 2009, 02:24 PM) [snapback]1356719[/snapback]
My dd is painfully shy (3.5 y/o) and I have stopped dong anything for her in social situations I will not allow her to sit on my lap or use me to hide.


I have tried to do this and she starts to cry and climbs on me. Then the stares start coming. :gah: Do you just let her cry or do you remove her from the situation?

 

:hug: Brandy. You are most definitely NOT a failure. Kids are just hard. Plain and simple. :gah:

 

Does she have other "sensory" issues - particular about loud noises, clothes have to be just right, textures with grass, textrure with foods - things that irritate her very readily? Your examples seem to be outings where she may be overwhelmed with stimulation. It may be worth it for an OT eval - I have heard good things about the book "The out of sync child" don't know if it would apply for you, just a thought.

 

QUOTE(brandycaviness @ Jun 16 2009, 10:05 AM) [snapback]1356432[/snapback]
Thanks Diane! Since I am there, I guess I have to make the best of it. I just feel terrible because I feel this is a learned behavior that is my fault. :angry:

:hug: It's NOT learned - it's her nature otherwise both of them would do it (most likely)

QUOTE(samilymom @ Jun 16 2009, 11:21 AM) [snapback]1356572[/snapback]
Aww Brandy! Don't beat your self up!!! :hug: It seems like this is just her temperment, just how she is, not necessarily what she has "learned". I don't have any real advice on how to deal with it or modify her behavior, but I feel your desperation in your posts. Going around feeling gulity about it will do you no good, you're just trying to do your best to protect your daughter and no one can fault you for that...even yourself!!! I wouldn't run to the pedi right now or anything, but I would start keeping a list of some of the worrisome behaviors to talk with the pedi about at their 3 yo check up.

Hang in there!! :hug:

I love this advice!! Keeping track of the worrisome stuff - actually making a list! Love that!

Is it optional for you to not be at VBS? If you can leave and have her participate, I would try that for sure! It's impossible if you are there (almost) and she knows if she makes a scene she'll get what she wants - MOMMY and her attention! :hug:

 

I posted something yesterday about my daughter having the same problem. Well, I started the post differently, but I have the same general issue. S leans on me incessantly, and if I won't let her touch me (b/c I'm trying to get her to get into a different activity), she will still insist on touching something that's touching me - even a table - to the point where she's socially crippled. She will eventually get the hang of things in a group without me, but even then, she's infinitely more reserved. I am considering getting a behavioral eval, because my local Infants and Toddlers doesn't see anything wrong, but is annoyed with her when she won't participate in her speech therapy sessions

Another poster mentioned sensory issues - S is very sensitive about clothing fitting just the right way, the slightest thing being out of place, etc. That is part of the reason why I'm thinking that our recent addition to our house, and the mess that accompanies it, may have made her neuroses, whatever they may be, more difficult to deal with (both for her and for me) because everything was changing on a daily basis, and she needs more consistency to be a "normal" child. I don't know if anything is wrong with her, per se, but the research I did lead me to believe that, if there was a chance that something is wrong, I was better off trying to figure it out now, because undiagnosed behavioral/mental/emotional issues only get worse.

Okay, not trying to say that your DC has any issues - but if you are concerned, definitely get your pedi involved.

 

Lauren sounds a lot like my son, Jack. I don't have any good advice, but would like to say as a fellow mother, please don't beat yourself up! :hug: Jack frustrates me so much sometimes, and I just feel like a total failure, but in reality I think that having me near is simply something that he needs. He's a pacifier, blankie, mommy-needing kind of kid. I am sure in time, he will grow out of it and learn to cope better. Jack is also easily overwhelmed by stimuli and social situations. DP & I have taken him to the doctor twice so far solely for concerns related to his behavior and sensory stimuli. They never really did much because he doesn't have other autism signs (the main thing they were looking for) and my insurance wouldn't cover the OT that they suggested. Since he was so young and the doc was not very concerned, we opted not to pay out of pocket for one.

Sorry I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and it is absolutely not your fault. Also, I definitely agree that keeping a list and approaching the doctor about her behavior might be beneficial. I haven't kept track and am grasping for good examples to bring up at their 2-year WBV on Friday. :grouphug:

 

QUOTE(Nancy C @ Jun 16 2009, 08:12 PM) [snapback]1357216[/snapback]
Does she have other "sensory" issues

She doesn't like loud noises but is ok if I tell her before hand that it is going to happen (i.e. vaccuum cleaner), but that is the only one.


QUOTE(dfaut @ Jun 16 2009, 08:13 PM) [snapback]1357218[/snapback]
Is it optional for you to not be at VBS?


Diane, I wish it were. We have 2 groups of her age group, but when I have left her and she starts crying they just bring her to me. It is easier for them because they have 20 other little ones to tend too.

Last night was awful. :cry: Then to top it all off, I get home and DH asks how it goes. I tell him and he starts in on "Lauren why do you act like this?" Which makes her cry. Then he thinks :angry: that it is best to take her blankie and paci away until she stops. This of course starts an argument between the two of us. :grr: Why isn't this easy?? I got her blankie and paci, gave it back to her and we snuggled until she fell asleep. So many things there I see wrong, but I couldn't watch her crying her little eyes out and almost gagging because she was so upset. :cry: I am completely at a loss.

 

I don't have any advice, but many :hug: I'm sorry last night was so difficult.

 

Brandy, I'm sorry it was so awful!!! :hug: I'm sorry your Dh isn't getting it! They think "my dad told me not to cry or he'd give me something to cry about" I can do the same! uh....NO! Sorry! You can't! Not on my watch!

I digress - It might also be that she just doesn't do well in crowds. 20 kids is a lot and sounds very overwhelming. She's probably really hyper stimulated and can't cope with it. The only problem with keeping her out is that she gets one on one time with Mom and that's what she's either 'after', but regardless she's getting it. Can she stay home with Daddy while you take Mattie???

Sorry to keep coming back. I feel like I'm brainstorming and don't want to bombard you!