Just need to vent

I just need to get this off my chest and then I will be okay - thanks for allowing me to do this.

I am hoping that just ‘saying’ this it will help me feel better and get over it. I am not looking to start a male bashing session. As I am sure there are many things about me that DH is not that happy about right now either.
Currently I am working 4 days a week, 1 of those from home. DH was laid off toward the end of my leave, so I went back to work, our original plan was for me to be a SAHM. My parents take the boys every Sunday night through Monday. So this leaves DH home alone with the boys only 2 days a week. He gets Monday to himself.
When I was home on leave, I tried very hard to keep the house somewhat decent (some days were better than others) I was still pumping, cleaning bottles, making bottles, etc. When DH got home from work I would usually run around and do laundry, restocking diapers and sometimes make dinner. DH also did a lot of the cooking.
He now spends most of his time complaining about how tired he is and generally grumpy. Every opportunity he has he is off trying to take a nap, while I spend the time when the boys are sleeping trying to get caught up on household stuff. I am sure that some of this has to do with the added stress of losing his job.
So here is my list of complaints and then I will be done. He doesn’t help much around the house, he doesn’t refill diapers, wipes, etc. Doesn’t do laundry, constantly leaves little messes everywhere. Often leaves me with dirty bottles and no formula. Sometimes doesn’t keep track of when they ate or if he gave them their medicine. But is sure to tell me when one of them had a major poo and how I owe him one. But the icing on the cake was today when he says “I need a day to myself†WTH!!
Really he is great dad and a wonderful husband and I know we are both at our wits end with lack of sleep and financial stress. Part of me is still upset about not being able to be a SAHM and I am sure some of that is reflected in my frustrations.

 

:hug: It's definitely okay to vent! I agree that he should be helping to keeping things straightened up as much as possible. I also agree that it sounds like the circumstance is weighing heavily on him (and you too). I hope it's resolved soon. I'm really sorry to hear this :hug: .

 

:hug: I'm sorry. Guys just don't think like we do. My dh can put some garbage into an already overflowing garbage can and it just doesn't seem to hit him that it is full and needs to go out. Have you expressed your concerns to him? Is he looking for work?
:hug: I hope the two of you find a happy medium. I hope you get a day off too!

 

:hug: I hope you are able to work out the kinks.

 

hugs to you--what a stressful time! I'm not an expert, but it sounds like your husband may be dealing with some depression. You may encourage him to talk to someone.

I'm sure it's frustrating to deal with working all day and then having to "catch up" at home at the end of the day, and feeling that the other spouse isn't "doing their part." However, your babies are so young--you're still in "survival" mode and honestly, when my babies were that age, I was still struggling to be dressed by the time my husband came home from work!!! Try to be gentle with each other, and vent to us if you need to!!!

 

The constant naps do raise a red flag for depression on his part. I hope you guys can work it out.

 

Hope you are able to find some relief soon. Just curious though, do your babies sleep through the night or does he get up with them a lot? I handled most of the night time stuff, but I'm not good at naps (by the time I fall asleep the babies are up) so I find I'm in a better mood if I don't nap. But I know if it were my husband, he'd be conked out 5 seconds after they were put down. Maybe you can compromise that he can nap during one of their naps, but he should try to do some housework during the other naps. Or, even if he doesn't do the housework, but just handles the extra baby stuff during a nap - like refill diapers, put a load of baby laundry in, make formula & fill bottles. Even if those few things were taken off your hands, it would be a big help.

 

I'm in a similar boat. It's SO fustrating - sometimes while I'm commuting in the car by myself, I just have a good cry :cry: . That's how I release...
Good luck!

 

:hug: I hope y'all get through this soon

 

I'll echo other's concern about possible depression. Added to that is that no matter how great some Dad's are, they just aren't wired the way we are and they would consider the things we complain about "little things".

Sounds like you two could use a nice date night, where you might have a chance to talk calmly over a glass of wine (or three!). Hope you can work it out. The first year is hard. I know our relationship wasn't at it's best during this time. I didn't realize how stressful of a time it was until we were out of it.

:grouphug:

 

:hug:

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. . . I can't imagine the stress of your plans to be a SAHM suddenly being changed up like that. And all that you're juggling has got to be hard. Is your DH still unemployed?

Not to tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would suggest that it's good that you each get a break on a weekly basis. You need one too. Even if it means that you go eat dinner for an hour by yourself once a week. I think it's hard if a whole day is taken at this point, but a few hours' break is not unreasonable.

Also, I would suggest to DH that he might obtain a job, even if it's just a holiday spot at the local store or a couple hours working at a fastfood joint, just to get out of the house and feel good about bringing in some income. It is very hard to meet the needs of babies day in and day out. . . I do not know any men who can do this. Until a person has stayed at home with small ones on a routine basis, they just don't seem to get how physically and emotionally draining it can be. This is one reason why most dads and many moms prefer returning to work. Somehow, I can see where two days break may still not quench his need for a mental break.

But still, he needs to tough it out. Many women do and don't get paid or complimented for it.

I hope your wish to be a SAHM is met real soon.

 

as some PPs mentioned, my first thought was depression as well - the constant napping is a potential red flag. regardless, what a tough situation to be dealing with right now! :hug: it must have been really hard to switch the plan of you being a SAHM so suddenly - that would have really messed me up. i hope you guys can find a solution that works for you soon!

 

I found those first months hard on our relationship and we fought were we usually didn't before. So I couldn't imagine going through all the financial and emotional stress as well that you both have to deal with. I'd only say is to "try" in your fights / discussions to be respectful of each other, it is hard to take back nasty words. I hope it all passes soon for you. Feel free to vent anytime we all do.

heather

 

Good vent! Daddies just aren't mommies!!! My DH helps but must be micromanaged. I still get exasperated when he doesn't just jump in and do what needs to be done, instead of me having to nag off a list of to-dos. When we were both working, we made a chart of house hold duties, and that gave him a visual to follow.
Sorry ya'll are having financial hardships. I hope things get better and that, eventually, you can find a way to stay home if that is what you really desire.

 

It's okay to vent! :hug: It does sound like he might be depressed but also the FY is hard on both parties. I hope that you both will be able to work it out.

 

QUOTE(ginagwen @ Dec 11 2008, 07:47 PM) [snapback]1107758[/snapback]
Good vent! Daddies just aren't mommies!!! My DH helps but must be micromanaged. I still get exasperated when he doesn't just jump in and do what needs to be done, instead of me having to nag off a list of to-dos. When we were both working, we made a chart of house hold duties, and that gave him a visual to follow.
Sorry ya'll are having financial hardships. I hope things get better and that, eventually, you can find a way to stay home if that is what you really desire.


Good advice! I forgot that we did that too and it helped both of us a LOT. We had assigned days of who would drive to/from daycare, who cooked/did dishes, who did baths (although we almost always do bath and bedtime together). Some men just can't think on their feet.

 

QUOTE
I am sure that some of this has to do with the added stress of losing his job.


You can pretty much bet your a$$ it has a lot to do with that!
I'm sure he feels like he is not doing his part taking care of his family. That is not to say that you could not use more help, sure you could. I would suggest (and I don't know your situation) giving him a few days or even a couple weeks to get things under control and get back out in the workforce providing for you guys. This is most likely a case of depression. We are in the middle of a huge recession and it seems like he may need to lean on you for a bit right now.

Probably not what you wanted to hear but men get overwhelmed and depressed too. Since he lost his job, I would tread VERY lightly around him right now. People kill themselves over less. Try and encourage him and show that you still love him in this toughest of tough times.

Breathe and try to cope as best you can. This, too, is temporary.