Just need to vent

Hey everyone, I haven't read all the posts and I need to but I needed to just vent tonight so I thought I would come here. I went out to meet some friends from high school (college and beyond) tonight. They were my best friends for most of my life. The back story is that we had a falling out a few years ago and I actually just started talking and seeing one of them this last year (still saw the other girl sparely since she was bf and past roommate). To make a long story short, we met since it was Kristen (my old roommate) who had a birthday last week and we wanted to see each other.

Come to find out she and her husband just bought a 600K home in the town we grew up in, with every amenity you could ever want. Now they don't have children yet (she is concentrating on her big career with Fortune 500 company right now), so I know I am lucky to have my kids in my life and know what it is like to be someone's mom. But there she is, sitting there in her perfect stylish outfit, weighing the perfect weight, with her new car keys in her hand and her new COACH bag handing on her arm. Here I am in my shoes that are falling apart, my coat from 7 years ago, my LIZ $15 deal from TJMaxx, and my beatup Dodge Grand Caravan keys in had and I wonder, when it is ever going to get better for us??? I know its just $$$$, but I am so incredibly tired of just scraping by. I mean, we don't vacation, we don't buy new furniture, we don't get new clothes, or new shoes, we don't buy extra goodies at the store, I NEVER has owned any designer purse or outfit EVER, we don't buy new cars and we certainly will never own a new house, let alone one with more than 2 bedrooms one bath. I am just tired, really tired. I feel like the best young years of my life have been spent running myself into the ground, sometimes I am very depressed about our situation. MY DH will never be successful. He is just a regular blue collar worker bee, and I will only be an elem. school teacher and we all know that is not the best paying job.

Well I am sorry for the big "me" post. I don't like doing them. I just get really bummed out when everyone around me seems to be doing better than us. I just need to catch a break every once in a while.

I really hope God has some better stuff planned for me in 2007.

 

Hey everyone, I haven't read all the posts and I need to but I needed to just vent tonight so I thought I would come here. I went out to meet some friends from high school (college and beyond) tonight. They were my best friends for most of my life. The back story is that we had a falling out a few years ago and I actually just started talking and seeing one of them this last year (still saw the other girl sparely since she was bf and past roommate). To make a long story short, we met since it was Kristen (my old roommate) who had a birthday last week and we wanted to see each other.

Come to find out she and her husband just bought a 600K home in the town we grew up in, with every amenity you could ever want. Now they don't have children yet (she is concentrating on her big career with Fortune 500 company right now), so I know I am lucky to have my kids in my life and know what it is like to be someone's mom. But there she is, sitting there in her perfect stylish outfit, weighing the perfect weight, with her new car keys in her hand and her new COACH bag handing on her arm. Here I am in my shoes that are falling apart, my coat from 7 years ago, my LIZ $15 deal from TJMaxx, and my beatup Dodge Grand Caravan keys in had and I wonder, when it is ever going to get better for us??? I know its just $$$$, but I am so incredibly tired of just scraping by. I mean, we don't vacation, we don't buy new furniture, we don't get new clothes, or new shoes, we don't buy extra goodies at the store, I NEVER has owned any designer purse or outfit EVER, we don't buy new cars and we certainly will never own a new house, let alone one with more than 2 bedrooms one bath. I am just tired, really tired. I feel like the best young years of my life have been spent running myself into the ground, sometimes I am very depressed about our situation. MY DH will never be successful. He is just a regular blue collar worker bee, and I will only be an elem. school teacher and we all know that is not the best paying job.

Well I am sorry for the big "me" post. I don't like doing them. I just get really bummed out when everyone around me seems to be doing better than us. I just need to catch a break every once in a while.

I really hope God has some better stuff planned for me in 2007.

 

I can sympathise with you. My DH and I have been scraping by for years. One year we made an average of $900 a month. Oh, and we had $500 a month rent. So we had $400 a month to pay for utilities, gas, food and "extras". Then I found out I was preggo with Emma, and Mike's boss fired him. But he finally found a decent job and we are doing much better.

I don't know your friend, but I bet you appreciate what you have in your life more than she does.

 

I can definitely sympathize - I'm right thre with ya. We'll never have the fancy house or cards and some months it amazes me we've got by with what I make (DH is a SAHD).

I was actually just venting to DH about this the other day - and he put it in great perspective. Some people have wealth in money and material goods and some people have the wealth of family and children. We definitely have the wealth of children - I gave up material goods for our large family and wouldn't trade them for a million dollars.

Here's to hoping for a great 2007 for you and your family!

 

I used to be a bit like your friend. Dh and I both had very well paying jobs, we went to Europe at least once a year and could spend money on basically whatever we wanted without thinking twice.
We gave it up so we could have our babies. We put ourselves into debt with fertility treatments. So much so that we couldn't afford daycare for both of them and I had to quit my job to stay home to care for them. We have a lot less money now, but we're a lot happier.
Just because someone looks like they have it all doesn't mean that they do. That woman could be looking at you like you have the perfect life. Things will get better for you. As long as you can get by that's all you really need. Everything else is just gravy.

 

I know that things seem really tough right now, especially during the holidays. But PP is right- wealth is measured in many ways (I know you know this) but really, those people that look really happy- their "coach bags" can hide a lot of things.

 

My dh and I were financially stable before we had kids. We struggled with infertility for years, and during that time, and I always thought - what's the good of having all this stuff if we have no one to share it with? I would have taken the family over the stuff any day. You may not be wealthy in material things, but you are wealthy in family, and that's more important. HUGS

 

's X 1000, Sarah.

 

Sorry, but I don't have much sympathy for you. If you have all you need, your health, and a loving family, what more do you want? You may not be rich with money or material things, but you can be rich in other aspects.

You have made choices in your life, and you can make more choices to change your life. If you don't like your job, take some actions towards getting a different job.

You're jealous of your friend, yes. Sometimes things aren't what they seem. All you need to do is ask yourself if you're happy. That answer should come pretty quick. If you're not, change it. If you are, count your blessings.

 

“One hundred years from now it will not matter

What kind of car I drove

What kind of house I lived in,

How much I had in the bank account,

Or what my clothes looked like.


But the world will be a better place

Because I was important in the life of a child.â€Â

You better believe it! You are the most imortant person to 3 people. I bet all your friend has no one that considers her the most important person. You have everything and more becasue you have 3 people that look into your eyes everyday and love you! You have everything that will last. Death will take away all your friends stuff, but you have something you can take with you when you die - you have the love of your 3 babies. And I would bet you anything, that she would trade places with you in a heartbeat - her life must be so empty!

 

Thanks for your reply. I agree you can change things. We are in the process of that right now. Unfortuantely sometimes there are things that you do not choose and you cannot change. For instance, my DH lost his job last week so yes we are in danger of possibly losing our house because of huge loss of $$$ coming in, esp. since we just scrap by now.

And yes I am a little jealous of my friend. Its hard not to be when some people just seem to fall into good things, with good decisions or not. It really does help to have parents who were able to pay for their college tuitions and buy them their first car, pay for their weddings. Its a lot easier to start out on your own if you don't have debt to start with. Sometimes making good decisions can also make things harder on you.

And yes we are happy, but sometimes the stress of worrying about putting food on the table, worrying about paying for your health care, finishing school, going to work, and taking care of your kids and chores can still take a toll on your health and your happiness. Its only human.

 

Sarah - we really ought to talk more. We are the same age, kids are around the same ageish, I always love reading your posts...and I could have written this one myself ver batum!

I am not going to hijack your post to compare our stories. But I have learned that happiness comes in many forms. I dont have nearly what my friends and family have in regards to money & "things." But I have my children and I love them more than anything in this whole world! I would not trade them for the fancy house any day.

I hope you can find your happiness! PM me - we should be friends. I can be your poor friend

 

I'm sorry you feel so bummed!
I sometimes looked at the picture people show of their life and feel they have something I don't. Haven't done that since the girls arrived much. You can never know what's in a persons soul especially just by looking at them. Keep in mind, everyone has their own struggle in life.
Before I had the babies someone might look at me and think I have it all and although I was grateful for the financial and professional stability I felt like pp said that it meant little without being able to have a family. It was just making and spending money. Although we had a great time doing that there was something missing. I've had to make some professional choises that very much limited our income in order to be able to spend one year at home with the babie and then work an 8hour a day job and this I have done with no second thought. Yes, this means that the lifestyle we were used to probably is a thing of the past but really it doesn't seem that important anymore.
Hope you can embrace your daily life more fully and things work out better for you. You are so important raising your babies and also contibuting to the raising of the children you work with!

 

Sarah-so sorry you are feeling down.

I too know how you feel. Luckily we do own a decent home, not huge, but good for us now. But I always feel like my sister and DH's sister get all the breaks. They both have nice huge homes and don't bat an eye when they spend money. Now my sister does work part-time to help afford thier lifestyle, but DH's sister doesn't and hasn't since her first was born the same time my first was born. Where as I had to work full time for 4 years then went part time for 2 years and this year am home, but we don't have much extra money. So I know how you feel. The grass is always greener. If I had to guess I'd bet your friend is a little jealous of you too for having the family she probably wants, even if she acts like she doesn't want it now. Hang in there, your time will come.

 

If it makes you feel any better, it sounds to me like her life isn't very fun. How wasteful to buy an expensive house you don't need and not be able to find something useful to spend that money on. Think of how much she is missing out on by spending her life devoted to working in an office building, trying to climb the corporate ladder just to hopefully make some more money to buy some more stuff that she doesn't need. I'd feel sorry for her, even though she has new stuff and we're still wearing the same clothes we have for years. Our days are not easy and can sometimes lead us to think that we're going to pull our hair out but we're actually doing something important with our life.

 

"I just get really bummed out when everyone around me seems to be doing better than us."

You are never going to be happy if you are constantly comparing yourself to those around you. There will always be friends and family that have nicer things, more money, and seem to catch all the breaks.

You have three beautiful children, a husband who loves you and a family that's healthy. I know a lot of people who would love to be so blessed. I know it's easier to focus on what you don't have rather than on what you do have. We all probably need to do more of the latter.

I recently read an article on how to make yourself happier. It was written by a psychologist and it basically said that you can improve your levels of happiness by thinking of three things that went right that day and why. They didn't have to be major things either, just everyday stuff. Here's the link to the full article: happiness

 

I think that all that Sarah was trying to say is that it's really hard to struggle constantly and never get ahead, then see someone you know, have everything and not seem to have to work to hard for it.

She's having a hard time, and came here to vent, and I don't think she deserves to be GIVEN a hard time.

quote:
All you need to do is ask yourself if you're happy. That answer should come pretty quick. If you're not, change it


I don't think it's always just that easy.

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. It is hard not to compare sometimes, but a Coach bag doesn't make you happy. I have three Dooneys(all bought on deep discounts : ) and they don't make me happy, my girls do. I teach full time so we can pay our mortgage but sometimes wish I could be at home with the girls and envy the women from the mothers of twins club I go to who can make weekday playdates and get-together. I don't have much of a social life between work and the rushing home to see my girls.

Angela

 

quote:
Originally posted by becky5:
She's having a hard time, and came here to vent, and I don't think she deserves to be GIVEN a hard time.




I couldn't have said it better myself. Many times we feel things and don't post them simply b/c we know we should be happy with the way things are. I think it was very brave for Sarah to post her feelings. Yes we all make choices but obviously there are days when we wish the shoe was on the other foot. I know for sure that I have those days! And let me tell you something else, when I only had two kids before the twins and was working the great job with great money there were many days when I wished I was SAHM. Now I am! It is VERY NORMAL to feel this way.

I am going to PM you.

 

Sarah it's completely normal to feel envious (not jealous) of what other people have when you know all too well what it's like to struggle and it seems others do not. I can certainly relate to that! If it makes you feel any better though...one of my friends who "appears" to have it all...tells me all the time how lucky I am and how she hopes some day to find a husband like mine and how wonderful my kids are and yada yada yada...who knew?! ...I'm willing to bet your friends think you're lucky, too. Hang in there...and always, always come here if you need a shoulder.

 

quote:
Originally posted by JDMummy:
It really does help to have parents who were able to pay for their college tuitions and buy them their first car, pay for their weddings. Its a lot easier to start out on your own if you don't have debt to start with. Sometimes making good decisions can also make things harder on you.




I totally agree. Not to hijack either, but ... DH and I were both older when we married 3.5 years ago. Neither of our folks paid for our colleges so we both had a good deal of debt when we married. Then, neither of our folks helped with ANY portion of our very nice, simple wedding. We could have gone the way of the courthouse, but felt our vows meant more than that. Then, infertility hits.

To top it all off, we felt obliged to be urban dwellers in our area, to help revitalize our city. So, we bought a very nice, but very old house, where the schools suck and the taxes just keep going up. This month alone, our mortgage went up by $100 a month to account for our new tax bill.

Then, you add in things like no family willing to take time out of their busy, hectic lives (even those who live a couple miles away as well as those who moved hundreds of miles away) to help us with anything like fixing easy things around the house (things too complicated for us, though) or to watch our girls' for a minute. Unlike my SIL, who has had FREE babysitting forever, and who just had her suburban kitchen remodeled. Did I mention she hasn't been to our house once, not even to just drop off a meal at the front door since the girls were born?

Yeah, I'm bitter right now.

I was actually going to submit a post tonight about how I feel like this first Christmas for my girls isn't turning out as I would have liked.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I just envy those people who have had the ability to do different things with their money. We are only one tragedy away from going under ... and no matter how happy we are as a family, it's not fun being under so much stress.

There is only so much you can do to change situations. DH has been searching for a job that pays more and it's not happening for him. To avoid those amazingly high day care costs, I quit my job ... but we had to sell one car to do it and we're still struggling.

We are no better off now than when I worked ... the only difference is that we don't have sick babies anymore!

Anyway, hang in there. I think 2007 is our year!

 

Sarah....hugs to you!!!!! Sorry things have been rough. Hang in there...and it is okay to vent! That's what we are here for!

Kathy

 

Sorry you are feeling down.

We all make choices in our life. it seems your friend has chosen to focus on her career, and she should not be looked down upon for that. She must work pretty hard to earn that kind of salary - I know I used to be that "career woman"

However while I was a "career woman" I also struggled with infertility for 7 years, before being blessed with my twins!
So before you judge anyone, know that they could be worse off than you think, perhaps not financially, but in other ways...

Now that I'm a SAHM and all of my money from my old career has been completely spent on infertility stuff, I know how it feels to get by month to month.

However, I still have a choice to have someone watch my kids so that I can be that career woman again. I choose to stay at home. You can get that job at the Fortune 500 company if you want - perhaps not an an executive level to begin, but you could certainly start at entry level and work up to where your friend is...again, choices.

Be happy with the love and health of your family. If you have that you are truly blessed.

 

Thanks for everyone's replies. Its nice to hear all sides.

Just to clarify I do not judge my friend's choices. I am very happy for her working or not. She likes her job and I think she is very fulfilled with it.

Also I am not a SAHM either, I actually do work (25 hours a week in a law office and I go to school half time to finish my Masters Degree in Education. So I know what is like to work to make the ends meet and I wish I didn't have to so I could be with the boys. I would much more prefer to be poor AND be home. Unfortunately that is not the case nor will it ever be.

Thanks to everyone who let me get that off my chest. Its nice to have a place to just vent sometimes and have your friends just listen. Thanks guys, you are the best (you know who you are )

 

Sarah Sorry you are having a hard time!! I've been thinking about you all day and haven't had a chance to post anything of substance, but wanted you to know that you are a valuable member of this forum! We treasure your participation and you are always there for others! I'm thrilled to see the response to you in a time of need!!

 

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. You are a great mom and are doing an awesome job with your boys. I hope the new year brings nothing but good fortune your way and things start to look up. I know being a teacher doesn't pay much but it takes a very special person to be able to do it. I was a teacher before becoming a SAHM with my girls. More

 

Vent away, that's what this place is for. I've been praying for your family since your last post and I hope things improve...hearing that you worry sometimes about putting food on the table breaks my heart.

Appearances are so deceiving. When I visit your darling webpage I think, "God I hope my twin boys are as happy and healthy as dear little Kevin and Pat." Everything looks so perfect at your home!

(I've been obsessing over whether there will be something wrong with my guys now that I'm at the end of my pregnancy). Anyway I wish you and your family all the best--what you may not have in $$$$ you and your boys have in good looks!!!

 

Hi JDMummy, it's been a while. I also work, from home, sometimes with one on my lap...and I think everyone at one point has that friend at a totally different stage in life. I look at it this way,If you had the money right now for a coach bag? would you get it?? nah, I think not and probably, like me, the bag you have doesn't require any worrying if you spill a bottle in it or your 3 year old colors marker on it. And then you just need that one smile from your babies, that great step of finally rolling over, or just that smile only a baby can give you that makes you think you're the most important person in the world. But god, I know those days when you look down, as I'm doing now at my stained shirt, still in pj bottoms and slippers and think "what has happened to me??) but only for a minute. Your boys are beautiful just a couple weeks younger than Annabelle and Sophia..

Jennib9

 

I admire your honesty! I once lived in a new home with new cars and traveled the world, the whole time I was in a miserable marriage and no one knew because I couldn't even be honest with myself let alone anyone else. I have now been blessed with a wonderful second husband and two beautiful babies that I wasn't sure I would be able to have. I guess my point is that things are not always what they seem from the outside but it sometimes looks like things come so easy to others.

Blessings to you and your family in 2007!

 

URG!!! I typed out this long reply and somehow lost it!!! I hate when that happens!!!

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I like to look at things from the perspective that all things happen for a reason, and that things tend to work themselves out in the end. Maybe not how we wanted or planned, but their is always an opportunity to grow and learn from our experiences. Call me an unrealistic optimist, but basically I think that good things happen to good people. I think that the way we view things that happen to us in our lives affects how well we get thru them. Those that choose to overcome their stuggles, and not make excuses are the ones that gain the most in the end. Material things do not make me the person that I am, the way I treat others does. Raising happy, healthy, well adjusted children that know the value of hard work is the most fulfilling thing in my life, not what kind of car I drive or the lable in my clothes. Kids that see their parents work hard turn out to be better people than those that have everything handed to them.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that it helps to be thankful what you do have, and try to look at things from a different perspective. It could always be worse!!

I hope that you have a wonderful Holiday and that 2007 holds nothing but happiness and comfort for you and your family!

Hang in there and take care!
Catie

PS Kudos to you for continuing your education! Grad school (social work) was so tough! I couldn't imagine trying to do it with 3 kids!

 

I used to wonder the same thing, but then I realized that there are people out there who have it worse than I do. Just because she has all of this stuff doesn't mean she's happy with her life. Money isn't everything, sure it helps out alot and avoids fights if you have it. I'm just thankful for what I have because it could be worse.