Just need to vent for a minute...

ARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm really, really frustrated.

Last weekend, my husband promised he would watch the boys so that I could go to a movie all by myself. Well, instead he ended up tearing a hole in the wall of our bedroom so that he could replace the plumbing in the hall bathroom shower. Needless to say, that took all weekend and I never got to go to the movie. The hole is still in the wall, my dresser is in the guest room, there is debris all over my bedroom, and soldering gunk and drywall dust, and his tools. He keeps piling things on the floor at the foot of the bed--on my side. Not on his own. He doesn't get up with the babies at night. I do. So I'm constantly tripping over the things he puts there in the dark. but "his side" of the room is clean.

So, obviously I expected this weekend he would patch up the hole in the wall. He calls me this morning, all excited. "I just checked the water and sewer authority's website and they lifted the pressure washing ban." (we're in drought) So, the hole in the wall is staying, I'm stuck with the boys again all weekend, and he's going to spend the entire weekend pressure washing the house and the deck and the wraparound porch. THEN he announces he's also going to paint the deck and the porch if he can squeeze it all in.

Meanwhile, when he comes home in the evenings, he goes upstairs, gets changed, goes to the bathroom, comes back, grabs a beer, sits down in front of the TV and essentially stays there the rest of the evening. During that time, I bathe and feed the boys and put them to bed, all by myself. He can't feed them and he refuses to bathe them. So, even though he could bathe one of them while I feed the other, he refuses to do so.

I'm just so, so frustrated and pissed off and really, really just need him to help out instead of doing all these stupid projects that he never EVER finishes, and I just can't get him to listen to me.

And then, he's constantly hounding me to have sex, as if I would ever even want to when I'm this pissed off, even if I weren't too tired from taking care of twins 24/7?

And whenever I try to talk to him about it, he chalks it up to me "being hormonal" instead of realizing I might have a legitimate reason for being mad.

I just want a couple of hours to myself and a clear path to the door of my bedroom, is that so much to ask?

 

:hug99: i'm right there with you. so vent away. dh comes home, "needs to relax", then goes right on working (stupid stocks and trading crap). he spends a total of a 1/2 hour with the girls a day, i swear. last night he's "relaxing" on the sofa while i'm running around trying to feed them their solids, get them dressed (which is not easy anymore since they try to get away from me), get their bottles ready... and there he is, like a lump on the sofa, while in front of him is a MESS OF TOYS ALL OVER that he could've EASILY picked up for me, but nooo. so i'm picking htem up and i'm rushing because i left the girls in teh other room unattended, and i'm MAD, and he's like, "why are you all huffy?" i said, "well, it would have been nice if you could have picked these up for me". he says, while playng a game on his phone, mind you, "i asked you if you needed any help. why are you always mad?" i was like, "when you can focus on me during our conversation and not your phone, i'll talk." grrrr. and the whole sex thing? omg. it's SUCH a turn-off the way he is sometimes that i just don't want to go near him. and dh refuses to bathe them, as well. or give them their solids.
sorry i jacked your thread to vent, too. :blush:

 

:hug99:

It's not too much to ask.

 

Aimee,

:hug99: You're doing such a great job! You are not asking for too much. I definitely think it's fair for you to get some time away and to want him to help out more. Is there anyway that you can get a family member, friend or sitter to watch them while you go to a movie if DH has house stuff to do? :hug99:

 

QUOTE(ddancerd1 @ Jul 11 2008, 06:09 PM) [snapback]872154[/snapback]
:hug99: i'm right there with you. so vent away. dh comes home, "needs to relax", then goes right on working (stupid stocks and trading crap). he spends a total of a 1/2 hour with the girls a day, i swear. last night he's "relaxing" on the sofa while i'm running around trying to feed them their solids, get them dressed (which is not easy anymore since they try to get away from me), get their bottles ready... and there he is, like a lump on the sofa, while in front of him is a MESS OF TOYS ALL OVER that he could've EASILY picked up for me, but nooo. so i'm picking htem up and i'm rushing because i left the girls in teh other room unattended, and i'm MAD, and he's like, "why are you all huffy?" i said, "well, it would have been nice if you could have picked these up for me". he says, while playng a game on his phone, mind you, "i asked you if you needed any help. why are you always mad?" i was like, "when you can focus on me during our conversation and not your phone, i'll talk." grrrr. and the whole sex thing? omg. it's SUCH a turn-off the way he is sometimes that i just don't want to go near him. and dh refuses to bathe them, as well. or give them their solids.
sorry i jacked your thread to vent, too. :blush:


Vent away, sister! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just get so mad about it, and he never can figure out what the big deal is. ANd that just makes me madder, because it's not a big deal, it's a bath, for god's sake, so just give me hand already!!!

 

:hug99: Finding the right balance, for both of you, can be tough. I hope you get your alone time, really soon, and that your DH appreciates how much you do.

 

QUOTE(ladybenz @ Jul 11 2008, 05:14 PM) [snapback]872163[/snapback]
Vent away, sister! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just get so mad about it, and he never can figure out what the big deal is. ANd that just makes me madder, because it's not a big deal, it's a bath, for god's sake, so just give me hand already!!!



you know what i love? when he's all, "oh, twins are tought..." "but do you have TWINS?..." "when YOU have twins, you talk to me..." telling people how hard it is, and how much he loves being a dad, blah blah blah. how is it hard for him???? he plays with them a little bit then that's it. i do ALL THEWORK. oh wait. he feeds them before bed. 10 minutes. that's it. I am the one to put them to bed. if i went out with my girlfriends and left him home, he'd call his mommy over to help him. together they'd ruin my schedule. argh. someone is crying and guess who's passed out on the bed "just staying out of the way"?

 

Living through any kind of construction is enough to make anyone irritated, and adding twins into the mix is worse (we updated our one bathroom....I HATE drywall dust!!!) Your husband really needs to help out more in my opinion. Although my husband works a full day I always tell him your day doesn't compare to mine so help me, and he does (I think he is afraid of what will happen if he won't help me ) And you need some alone time, so if you can stand your ground with your DH and make him help you, or at least wait on the projects and give you some alone time. Tell him no bding until you get an afternoon by yourself!!!!

 

Aimeeeeeeeee.....I am so so sorry. HOW IRRITATING!!!!!!
I know *exactly* what you are talking about and it makes me want to scream on a regular basis (sometimes I do!)
If I were you I would move all the stuff on the floor to his side of the bed while he is gone....h34r: (really mature tamara....) OK maybe I wouldnt but it sounds good!
My DH does the same thing to me with pressure washing, mowing, edging, working etc. I still havent used the massage/facial gift cert. I got for MOTHERS DAY (why even give me that kind of present when you know I cant ever use it!).
The only time I get to do stuff is after the girls are asleep (and he plays video games while listening to them sleep on the monitor) while I run to Target or wherever to buy *&%$ for the babies!!!
I say just buy the movie ticket on fandango or soemthing & tell him when he gets home so that he has no choice but to watch the beebs...
the pressure washing can WAIT!
hugs to you (and sorry for hijacking too....its hard not to vent right along with you!)

 

Hugs to you. It's that missing bit of chromosome...

Does he actually tell you, no, I won't bathe the babies? My DH also doesn't like to do the baths, but while I'm bathing one, he makes bottles, puts an overnight diaper and PJ's on the other one, puts the laundry in the basket, and then starts feeding the other baby.

I would strangle him if I had to put the babies down alone while he's home. What's that about???

If we get together next Wed -- feel free to vent to me!! Hopefully some retail therapy will help!

 

OMG! On the weekend you should just tell him you are leaving for a couple of hours and let him look after the babies - don't give him time to say no. My husband often takes the boys out for a walk after dinner giving me 30-45 mins to get a few thinks done w/o alone. My heart goes out to you.

 

I have to agree with everyone. Isn't it *funny* that since we've had the babies that my DH suddenly has so many 'projects' that need doing OUTSIDE.
I am having the same issue. I have started doing a few things that have helped though. One is when I am bathing the twins, when I have dried and nappied one, I call out to him, hand him a bub and clothes and say 'Can you dress - him/her - for me please sweetie.' I have started just issuing orders. Nicely, of course. If he wont help me by doing a job - like giving them a bath - changing a nappy - then I just treat him like a helper and call out from the bathroom or wherever I happen to be. lol.

And I am hearing you on the sex thing. Last thing you want to do is have sex with them when you'd rather be strangling them. lol. I don't know how they expect you to do everything for the twins and be supermom and then switch to wanton sex goddess at the drop of a hat. Sorry, no can do.
I think if you want some time to yourself you have to TAKE IT. Not ask, just TELL THEM what you are doing. I have found it takes me to break down for him to notice I am struggling and do anything about it. Oh, but if he wants to have a saturday to himself to go motorbike riding then he is really helpful leading up to it typical. So I just milk it for all it's worth.

I hope you get some time to yourself soon and that your DH wakes up and appreciates you. :hug99:

 

QUOTE(tamaras @ Jul 11 2008, 06:38 PM) [snapback]872203[/snapback]
If I were you I would move all the stuff on the floor to his side of the bed while he is gone....h34r: (really mature tamara....) OK maybe I wouldnt but it sounds good!


Actually- I was thinking the same thing!
I'm so sorry that he isn't helping out. It's hard enough having twins when you do have someone to help- who needs the added frustration of having DH around- only never pitching in??
Not that it is any of my business- but do you express to him that starting ANOTHER project this weekend instead of finishing the one he began last weekend really isn't a priority and that you would really appreciate him finishing what he starts before beginning something else? I know that sounds stupid- but the one thing I have learned is that sometimes men REALLY HAVE NO CLUE.
Hugs to you- I hope things get worked out. :hug99:

 

QUOTE(belinda07 @ Jul 11 2008, 07:21 PM) [snapback]872256[/snapback]
I am having the same issue. I have started doing a few things that have helped though. One is when I am bathing the twins, when I have dried and nappied one, I call out to him, hand him a bub and clothes and say 'Can you dress - him/her - for me please sweetie.' I have started just issuing orders. Nicely, of course. If he wont help me by doing a job - like giving them a bath - changing a nappy - then I just treat him like a helper and call out from the bathroom or wherever I happen to be. lol.

That is what I do too- and I find it really works better than me holding in my resentment and frustration because he doesn't just "do" things on his own. If I smile and say it sweetly- he typically just complies without any issue. I'd rather show my frustration and yell at him to help me, I hate playing those games- but getting help "playing sweet" is better than not getting help at all!

 

OMG I hate renos. My husband tore apart the babies room in January and didn't get it back together until April!! There was reno debris everywhere in the upstairs of our house. Do you have a friend or relative that could come give him a hand and might inspire him to get the projects done quicker? My FIL came and lent a hand a couple of week-end which made my husband actually concentrate on the project at hand and not go off on a tangent!

Move the reno debris to his side of the bed!!!

Go to the movie just tell him that you are going pick which one and just tell him that you are going out!!

Vent away !

 

I'm pretty sure you just described my worst nightmare.

How can you stand it? I don't blame you for being pissed! I would be seething.

Do you try to put your foot down? What happens? You really need to stick your ground here. That is totally unacceptable. He can't do all of these things if you say "No" can he? Try it and see what happens. Tell him "You can absolutely do all of these projects as long as I'm at the movie and you're watching the babies WHILE you're doing it. Have at it!"

If he says "no" to that- then he isn't allowed to do the projects until the kids are older. Simple as that.

I am a firm believer in equal opportunity parenting and have to say that I have the MOST AMAZING husband in the world who does EVERYTHING when he is here. There is nothing he cannot or will not do. He bathes BOTH of them EVERY SINGLE NITE when he is home, changes EVERY poopy diaper, feeds them, takes them places alone, takes them swimming EVERY afternoon, does their laundry, you name it...

He gave them their first baths EVER. He did every single nite feeding for 4 months ALONE and not cuz I "made him". He did it because he is their Father.

I'm soooooooooo sorry that you are going through this and I know that you are not alone. I don't think that it has to be this way at all tho.

I told my husband from the time we even discussed getting pregnant that he would be one busy dude cuz there was NO WAY I was doing this alone. He knew well ahead of time that he would not be doing "extracurricular activities" of any sort without approval from me. Same goes for me.. The boys come first and it's a group effort.

I'm sure he's a wonderful guy and loves you and his kids very very much. I don't doubt that at all. I just think he needs a little "redirection"??

Good luck!!!!

 

My DH is the same way. He has all these extra outside projects or extra school work or baseball games. My DH does help somewhat but I do have to put my foot down. My DH cant seem to smell poopy diapers either. They can have the nastiest one and he will hand them right off to me like they dont even smell bad. My DH starts all kinds of projects that "have" to be done too and then leaves a mess and never finishes it. Okay so when do I get time to get my stuff done? Men just dont understand what it is like to be with the babies all day and then they come home from their job of working hard (yeah right you called me 50 times today plus you got to pee when you needed to and you got to eat your lunch on your lunch break in peace) and want to take it easy.

I think maybe you should have a talk with him and just tell him how you feel. A lot of times I keep my anger towards DH bottled up and it builds up till it explodes. I am now starting to realize that I need to talk to my DH more. It is hard b/c I am not the type to share all my emotions and stuff.

Hugs to you. I hope your DH gets some sense knocked into him.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too agree that just issuing orders really helps. My DH has always helped but he has his really rough days at work and comes home out of it. I got made one day for him not doing something that was obvious and he said he is not a mind reader. From there on out we call on each other to do things constantly. And now we enjoy doing them as a family. Bathtime is the four of us sitting there (babies in the tub , us outside the tub) and laughing and goofing off. Then we each get one and jammie and lotion. Feeding is the same way. They dont' get held during the day and we both know this and at night we really enjoy holding them to feed.

Maybe you can wait until the "situation" is over one night and then talk so you aren't in the thick of your emotions (KWIM?). Then tell him you need him to be your partner and that you are going to start just handing off responisbility to him.

ORRRRR

You can just start doing it one night. "honey come get baby a and dress him please" "sweetie, hold and change baby b while I make bottles" and just see how he reacts.

 

I am so sorry! Hugs to you :hug99:

I agree w/ the pp that you have to play nice and be creative to get DH's to help. My DH is motivated by $$$$$. I tell him I understand that he is busy but I need help to get what ever done. If you are too bust then I will have to hire a mothers helper. It works for me every time! GL! :hug99:

 

I kinda know how you feel. My DH helps me out when he can, but he's in school full time and working full time so it's hard. He told me this weekend that he was going to go golfing and I about lost it. He was only going to be gone for a couple of hours, but come on! He went golfing for 6 hours three weeks ago (that's the only time he could fit it in) and I have not had a child-free moment since I had the twins. He told me that I could go out this weekend and he would watch all 5 of the girls. I had to tell him that I just wanted him to spend his 'time off' helping me because I don't get ANY 'time off'. He gets it when I tell him, but he doesn't think of it on his own. ARGGG!!

Sorry, I jacked your post too.

Oh yeah, have you thought about pumping so your DH can feed them their night bottle?

 

I say try the "being nice" approach which I know is sooo hard when you really want to yell at him to get off his $^&^&* and help with his children. But, we all know that dh will not respond well to the harsh approach. I think of it almost like working with children, use positive reinforcement instead of negative. So, when he does do something with the babies, like put pjs on then tell him how much the baby enjoyed and how great and cute they look, or when he feeds the baby compliment him on how he is doing it. Again, I know this is not what you want to say, but force yourself to do it and I bet after a few weeks of this he does some of it all on his own!

I also like the idea of telling him that you may need to hire someone to help out, perhaps that will be the financial incentive he needs to help a little more.
I feel very lucky after reading this post, as my dh is wonderful with the babies. He is happy to be left with both of them while I take a break, he has helped with every nighttime feeding (when he is in town), changes diapers, plays with the babies, burps babies, baths, lotions, puts pjs on, cuddles and does whatever else is needed with the babies - and the best part is that he ENJOYS doing it! And, when they were infants and all they did was scream every night, he took the fussy nighttime shift with them while I slept! He is fantastic, as he does this all without being asked.
Hang in there, hopefully if you try the sweet, positive reinforcement approach things will get better : )

 

OMG! I would be beyond pissed and frustrated. (hugs) I don't even know what to say or have any advice.

I do like Tamaras thinking, I have actually done something similar with moving the crap to his side of the bed. My Dh had a big problem with leaving his hangers all over the bathroom. I started putting them in his sink and if they ended up back on the floor, I put them on his pillow. One thing I did NOT do was put them away. I didn't get them out.

 

Okay, so when he got home last night, he pretty much knew when he saw my face that he was going to get a tongue lashing. He started apologizing almost as soon as I started talking and he promised that he would fix the bedroom wall this weekend, and vacuum all the dust and put away his tools. He also said he will definitely watch the boys on Sunday while I get out of the house ALONE. I get out with the boys lots during the week, but it's kind of like being with a traveling circus--not very restful.

He said he always feels bad because he knows he doesn't help enough in the evenings. He also said he will start helping with baths and bedtime in the evening (yes!) but that he hasn't done it before because he's scared he's not going to do it right. I kind of pointed out that it's just a bath, they get one every day, if he misses a spot it's not big deal!!!

I didn't realize how insecure he was about this sort of thing. I guess I need to realize that he's a new dad as much as I'm a new mom and he has the same fears and insecurities I do, but he hasn't spent lots of time alone with them to get over those fears and insecurities.

We also agreed that he's going to feed them their solids on the weekends when he's home, and clean up afterwards.

I feel much better today. Thanks for letting me vent ladies!

Oh, and Becca, I am soooo looking forward to our get-together. It's so nice to spend time with someone who has BTDT!!!

 

Aimee *hugs* I can see why you are frustrated. I think all you can really do is point all of this out to him if you haven't already. Sometimes men need to be knocked over the head with the obvious...they just don't always get it on their own.


Dianna

 

Honestly, next time he comes into the house be ready to walk out the door and just go!!! Give him a kiss and say thanks for watching the kids I'll be back in a few hours and GO!!! I would also pack up those tools and throw them in the basement!

Seriouly though, do just go, don't wait for him to step up to the plate. Tell him you're going and go... If he gives you a hard time tell him you will likely be more in the mood for sex when you get some time alone and he does some sexy parenting... I call any time my husband plays with and interacts with my kids sexy... Let him know that most women find it sexy and a turn-on to see thier husbands cook for them, play with the kids, and show their wives that they appreciate them... Also, let him know that, Hey let's have sex is not nor has it ever been foreplay or a turn on!

 

Glad to hear you guys talked. I know that DH and I have had very similar arguments latley... I hate the unfinished projects too. We are really trying to work it all out before the kids get old enough to pick up on it It sounds like you 2 had talk that should really help in the future. There probably will be many more down the road.

 

QUOTE(ladybenz @ Jul 12 2008, 07:11 AM) [snapback]872928[/snapback]
Okay, so when he got home last night, he pretty much knew when he saw my face that he was going to get a tongue lashing. He started apologizing almost as soon as I started talking and he promised that he would fix the bedroom wall this weekend, and vacuum all the dust and put away his tools. He also said he will definitely watch the boys on Sunday while I get out of the house ALONE. I get out with the boys lots during the week, but it's kind of like being with a traveling circus--not very restful.

He said he always feels bad because he knows he doesn't help enough in the evenings. He also said he will start helping with baths and bedtime in the evening (yes!) but that he hasn't done it before because he's scared he's not going to do it right. I kind of pointed out that it's just a bath, they get one every day, if he misses a spot it's not big deal!!!

I didn't realize how insecure he was about this sort of thing. I guess I need to realize that he's a new dad as much as I'm a new mom and he has the same fears and insecurities I do, but he hasn't spent lots of time alone with them to get over those fears and insecurities.

We also agreed that he's going to feed them their solids on the weekends when he's home, and clean up afterwards.

I feel much better today. Thanks for letting me vent ladies!

Oh, and Becca, I am soooo looking forward to our get-together. It's so nice to spend time with someone who has BTDT!!!


I am SO happy that things worked themselves out & that you are going to have a GREAT sunday alone!!!
It seems like in my house we have to go through a big blow up sometimes in order to figure out how to work as a team again ~
Have fun tomorrow!

 

It sounds like you are all my soul sisters here lol!! *sigh*

 

I am so there with you all. (Misery loves company!) Since the twins have been born my dh has begun finishing the basement, built an enormous swingset, built a playhouse, done a back patio, decided we had to have a pool installed and did work for that, and built shelves for our barn. I NEVER leave the house. He is a very good father, and usually hands-on. I don't know what his deal is, but I am ready to loose it! All five kids and the inside of the house are 99.9 % my responsibility. He doesn't even pay the bills anymore. (He does have some lingering issues from his tour in Iraq, but still...)

 

QUOTE(5girlies @ Jul 13 2008, 09:49 PM) [snapback]874710[/snapback]
I am so there with you all. (Misery loves company!) Since the twins have been born my dh has begun finishing the basement, built an enormous swingset, built a playhouse, done a back patio, decided we had to have a pool installed and did work for that, and built shelves for our barn. I NEVER leave the house. He is a very good father, and usually hands-on. I don't know what his deal is, but I am ready to loose it! All five kids and the inside of the house are 99.9 % my responsibility. He doesn't even pay the bills anymore. (He does have some lingering issues from his tour in Iraq, but still...)



I would like to clarify that when I say I never leave the house I mean that I never leave for me. I am always at B.J.'s, the grocery store, driving to Summer Theatre classes, swimming lessons, and play dates, etc. Usually I have all my kids with me!

 

Grrr. I would be mad too! My hubby can be good, but lately he has been making me really mad too! He hardly helps out around the house at all- and the girls and I have been sick all this week. He does do a 2 am feeding, but my girls sleep till it's time to eat and then go right back to sleep after eating, so it's not a big deal. We talked yesterday and he told me, "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it" So before I went to bed I asked him to unload the dishwasher. I had already taken all the bottles out (because I arrange them a certain way) and there were hardly any dishes in it. Before I went to bed I reminded him and he said, "Yeah I know I'm about to do it" Well, I get up this morning and it was not done. In fact NOTHING had been done. It's so annoying. So, I feel your pain!!!Luckily mine has not started any projects.

 

QUOTE(ivfbound078 @ Jul 11 2008, 08:10 PM) [snapback]872326[/snapback]
I'm pretty sure you just described my worst nightmare.

How can you stand it? I don't blame you for being pissed! I would be seething.

Do you try to put your foot down? What happens? You really need to stick your ground here. That is totally unacceptable. He can't do all of these things if you say "No" can he? Try it and see what happens. Tell him "You can absolutely do all of these projects as long as I'm at the movie and you're watching the babies WHILE you're doing it. Have at it!"

If he says "no" to that- then he isn't allowed to do the projects until the kids are older. Simple as that.



I ditto this...definitely need to stick your ground. You aren't asking too much. It is very hard work taking care of two babies, and it is mentally and physically exhausting. You deserve time to yourself (and a clear walking path too)

 

I am glad all it took was a look on your face to see you needed help...some guys dont even get the hint then! I have had to remind my dh to help out every once in a while but he understands that parenting is equal and the more he helps the better our relationship is. My dh is not a baby person so his main focus is our 3yo but that helps me in a lot of ways too.
I hope you dont have to remind him too often and over time he will see that he is capable of caring for your babies. Good luck!

 

QUOTE(pigsocks @ Jul 11 2008, 08:03 PM) [snapback]872315[/snapback]
OMG I hate renos. My husband tore apart the babies room in January and didn't get it back together until April!! There was reno debris everywhere in the upstairs of our house. Do you have a friend or relative that could come give him a hand and might inspire him to get the projects done quicker? My FIL came and lent a hand a couple of week-end which made my husband actually concentrate on the project at hand and not go off on a tangent!

Move the reno debris to his side of the bed!!!

Go to the movie just tell him that you are going pick which one and just tell him that you are going out!!

Vent away !


Ditto. I have never been up for a night feeding without DH. He always gets up. And everyone deserves this. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :angry:

 

Gosh I thought I was the only one whose DH suddenly had ten million things that just had to be done the minute the babies where born. He got more done in the first three months of their lives then he had done in a year. Of course if I asked for help I got a huffing “but I have stuff I need to get doneâ€
I have a really hard time not getting cranky with him or being resentful but he works so I can stay home and take care of our kids and I know that in the not too distant future they will start to want less and less from me so that is how I try to derail it. It doesn’t always help though. It irks me when, to me, he is being totally selfish and then he tries to be all nice so he can get what he wants. Are you kidding me?
I hope things get better for you. At least you know you have a lot of us right there with you. :friends: