just asking

Has anyone had experience with this? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it?

I am 26w2d, on bedrest after cerclage (2 months now and for the foreseeable future), up only to use washroom, brief shower, and doc appointments. There are 6 stairs from my bedroom to the kitchen on the main level.

More often than not, DH will fix himself something to eat and not offer to get me anything. Example: one weekday last week he cooked up eggs and toast for himself before work, got DS' breakfast ready, then headed off for a shower. No offer to even bring me a bowl of cereal, which is my usual breakfast. I was livid and hurt. Today it happened again - he's back from work at lunch to drive me to the doc's. Goes to fridge, heats something up for self, eats it. No offer to get me anything. And these are not the only 2 incidents. Each time it happens, I address it with him. Pardon me, but WTF? Any experience with this? Any suggestions? Other times, usually in the evening, he is solicitous, asking if he can get me anything. But the meal thing has really thrown me. What IS that?

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It's probably just a guy thing, since they aren't really used to needing to look after things like that all the time - not that that is an excuse. My DH has been pretty good, but we also have an intercom feature on the phone which I used frequently to remind him about bringing cold water, snacks or something like that(we live in a 2 story, so there was no way he would hear me if he was in the basement, which is where he usually hangs out). So, even if he did forget about my existence, lol, I'd give him a quick call.

 

My DBF can be like that. Yesterday, during his lunch break, I wasnt that hungry right when he got home, but I told him to fix me something before he left. Did he? No. Right as he was leaving I asked him again 'hey, did you get me anything?" and he said "oh crap i forgt...but i gotta go". I'm thinking 'you sat next to me on the futon for an hour, and you "forgot" to fix me something???'. WTF indeed.
I agree that I think it's a guy thing...even if he's used to helping take care of your son, he's not used to taking care of you, whether he 'should' be or not. I'd tell him exactly how you feel, especially in the evening, when he's being really nice. Maybe say something like 'no, i don't need anything now, but why didnt you ask me in the afternoon when i did need something?' or 'I feel hurt when you make food for yourself during the day but don't offer to make me anything'. It sounds like you already do that though.
Not that this is an excuse, but maybe he is having a hard time coping too, emotionally with you being on bedrest? DBF and I have really only been able to 'talk' seriously like once since I've been on bedrest, and he said it was hard for him to take care of me so much because he's having trouble dealing with the fact that i'm on bedrest. So by taking care of me when i need him, it's like he's admitting the reality of the situation.
I'd just try and tell him (if you havent already) that making food for you is not an option. If he's eating, you're eating. Even if it's just a little snack. Maybe if he doesn't view it as a favor, he'd be more likely to do it? Just a suggestion.
Good luck and sorry he is acting lame

 

You gals are great, thanks so much for reading my rant and trying to cheer me up with some support. :grouphug:

Tammy, I LOVE your suggestion of using the intercom option on our phone to page DH. We have a 4-level split with our main bedroom on the top floor, and DH's hangout, the TV room, in the basement. So I will make sure the phones are close at hand at all times. Unless "someone" "forgets" to keep it close by. (sarcastic LOL)

Leah, you are absolutely right about making food not being an option, i.e., when he eats, I eat. Period. A no-brainer, right?? I get so fed up (ha) with patiently explaining this to him time and again. :headbang: And I completely sympathize with you about not getting any food yesterday before your DBH had to leave... despite asking. It is frustrating, hurtful, exasperating, confusing, and all kinds of other things, even though the (in)action itself is unintentional. It's the non-thinking/insensitive part that floors me. It sounds as though you have similar experience with your DBH not really completely understanding the nature of bed rest. Sometimes I think, if they had x-ray/u/s vision and could at all times see the load we're carrying... right down to shortened cervix and squished organs, they might understand it a bit better. What I hear from DH is, "you look great, you look healthy" (nice to get compliments I admit), but it seems as though there's an element of denial about the harsh reality of the situation...i.e., these kids could come at any time, and possibly with severe disabilities. So could we just do what we can to try to avoid that???!!! Like... BED rest?

Whew. Leah, your DBH sounds like a doll, offering to cook meals in advance this week. I guess they do mean well, but sometimes the day-to-day, practical little things get lost in the shuffle... it means ways of thinking need to be readjusted and I think/hope that in my case DH is slowly catching up to me on this... i.e., it's pretty serious. And your DBH sounds a little freaked about things too... to see you at risk like this must be scary. It is a tough adjustment for sure for us Moms/to-be, and I forget sometimes that other people around us need to adjust in their own way too. (But let's get on it please!!) Something that has occurred to me is putting a sticky on the fridge to the effect: "Don't forget to feed the hungry pregnant lady on bed rest!"

I do feel better now, and part of it has to do with a good doc appointment this aft. I was worried that I might have been leaking fluid after noticing clear fluid off and on for a few days... but the OB did a speculum check, and took a swab which she put on a special strip... and it's negative for fluid. Thank G-d. And the cervix is still firm and closed. So counting off the days to 27 weeks, 28 weeks... and hopefully beyond.

Thanks for your suggestions. Big hugs to you, good luck to all of us, here's to good vibes, good distractions on bed rest, good snacks (healthy and unhealthy), and above all, healthy beautiful babies!!

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Erin I'm glad you feel better a bit. I think it is hard for the guys to adjust, but you know, they do need to get on it. It's not like we really had a transitional period, it was 'everythings going well' to 'complications' in a second, you know?
I love love love your idea of the sticky on the fridge! I think I will do that as well.

 

I like the sticky on the fridge idea. Sounds like he just needs a reminder. When I want something, I bang on the wall (the head of the bed is against the wall). Can you come up with something like that? Even a bell would work. Then, when you hear him cooking, just remind him that you are hungry too.