just another vent

Our room is right next to the babies' room. I just spent the last hour and a half laying on the floor of their room bawling my eyes out like a crazy person and praying to god for help while trying to rock ds to sleep in his bouncy seat (he sleeps in there). He woke up at 4:15, I tried to console him but it did not work, so finally 4:30 I gave in and got him a bottle, then dd wakes up probably from hearing him, got her a bottle. Then dh woke up at 5, he has a big meeting today. So they are both fed, staring at me not wanting to go back to sleep. Before today I already felt like I was cracking up and I have told dh on a number of occasions that they system we have is not working and I can't do it and his response is always well what do you want me to do, not work? Basically there is no one else to help me and no money to hire help. I could not get to bed last night before 11 because I was making bottles and doing my nightly stuff for the babies and then I was venting to another ts member who was a great help. So I went to bed around 12:15, but it is not just that I only got 4 hours last night, it is everything all the time. I need help andI need a break and he doesn't get it. I know I have horrible timing due to dh's meeting today and all but when he finally noticed what was happening in here this morning, all I really wanted him to do was just come and hold me and tell me we would work it out even if it was a lie, it may have gotten me through the day. And all he could do was look at me and ask me what was wrong and tell ds (in a sweet way) to go to sleep. I mean he did feel bad but still it wasn't enough. He asked me if he should stay home today but I am not sure what would have happened if I said yes, he knew I wouldn't. Then he went on to ask me where things were, like his pants and the cell phone charger, while I was still laying on the floor crying rocking ds. Does any of this sound normal to you? I am just so hurt and angry with him and exhausted and a million other things. After overcoming a 4 year battle of infertility and having my beautiful babies that I love so much, I never ever would have thought the scenario that I just described would happen but it has. I feel so horrible. How could I not handle it and take care of these helpless babies? Sometimes lately I have even been getting mad at ds because he has trouble going to sleep, how could I do that, it is not his fault. Our parent's raised us back in a time where the women did everything, how could I be like this? Why can't I just be like them and do what I gotta do to take care of my little ones and keep my mouth shut about me? How could I even let it run through my mind that I wish I was a guy so that I could get sleep and a break and such? I just feel so awfulthat I can't just suck it up and enjoy my babies. I guess I am just a poor excuse for a mother. Anyway, no need to respond, I just needed to get this out. Sorry to be such a downer again and have a nice day.

 

I can't imagine that anyone here hasn't felt exactly like you do at this moment. I have had many days like this. Sure, our mothers did it, but did yours do it two at a time? Mine didn't! You are doing a GREAT JOB as a mom, don't knock yourself for that. It is soooooo frustrating at times when they whine and cry and don't go to sleep when you need them to, etc. There is only so much we can take...and then we vent a little on TS, pick ourselves back up, brush off, and feel better! Hopefully your babies will do something amazing today that will make you stop and go "you know, this is why I'm doing this". :hug99: :hug99:

 

I am so sorry! You should be VERY PROUD of yourself for making it through night after night doing the toughest job on Earth! We all here appreciate you and know just how hard you are working. You are stronger than you think right now! I am proud of you and you will get some sort of a break today-it always happens that way. Hang in there, the tides are turning! Tell yourself just how amazing you are and what you are doing. You are raising wonderful people. THAT is the THE most important job...

:hug99: to you!

jen

 

Sending hugs. I think going through years of IF, we are even harder on ourselves because of it. We think we should never complain, but parenting twins is hard!

As soon as your DH arrives home from work, you need to hand him the reins and go to sleep. Let him take care of them so you can rest. He's got responsibilities in this too. I do work FT, and my DH helps out tremendously...they are capable. Force him into it.

 

Ilyse,

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time, and the pp are right, everyone has felt like you have at one time or another! Don't be so hard on yourself! Taking care of twins is a really tough job!! I know for me, just when I thought I would lose my mind, the tides would usually turn a little and things would get a bit better. Please, never apologize for venting to us! That is what we are here for! Try to get a nap in when the babies do today...forget the housework...you deserve it. :hug99:

 

Sounds really familiar to me. I know how you feel; probably everyone on this forum does as well. Sometimes I feel the same, I get mad at my babies because they don’t want to sleep. Then I hate myself for even thinking such things about them. Then (on a sleepless night) singing or trying to calm them down I pictures some movie or a novel in which the guy is so caring and responding. I picture some stories I’ve heard in families where the father take care of the babies and his wife sleeps at least on the weekends, and so on and on. Then I turned my head and see my DH sleeping next to me, sometimes asking me why am I staring at him and not even having a clue what is it in my head.
Sometimes I feel sad and lonely and thinking why did I marry him...but then I am trying to be positive and just telling myself some guys are just not as nice as you've seen on the TV.
I hope someday they will realize how much work we do, or maybe they will never get it. I don’t know. I know that all I want to do is to get some sleep.
I guess we could never be able to change our men, so just try not to think about it and stop focus on it, because otherwise it\s getting worse. Just do what you need to do and enjoy the moments with your babies.
Sorry for not being such a help, but I guess I needed to vent it too.

 

Our mothers lived in a different time... They had a system, a network of other women who came to relieve them. Those women don't exist now. My brother and I are 5 years apart so I remember my mother's friends taking us for a few hours so she could sleep, or all of the moms and kids going to one house so none of the women felt isolated...it isn't like that anymore.

Bottom line is you both work. Do you sleep during the day? I never could, I never had TWO sleeping babies, you have to be 'on' all the time and frankly your job involves life and death, you are keeping his (and your) children alive and happy, he should show some appreciation for that. It is HARD. Other moms of twins will stop my in a store and say "isn't it the hardest thing you have ever done?"...followed by "and the best?". My DH split night feedings with me. I also suffered from PPD so if it feels like too much talk to your OB and see what options there are. Also see if there is a teenage girl that can come in for like 2 hours a week, my girls only charge $5/hour if I am home while they are there. Maybe another mommy friend can come and give some relief? Maybe you can trade.

Bottom line: DH needs to do more, MAKE HIM! GOOD LUCK!

 

I woulds have said what the others said. I think we have all cried along with our babies. I wonder for you right now if you are feeling even worse because you are not getting sleep.

Just want to say that every point you made, I could relate too. I think your feelings/thoughts are totally normal.

You did not ask about sleep help so I am hesitant to even say this but are you willing to have them CIO. I remember how hard that was but it was also at my breaking point so I remember them crying, but since I knew I was not going to get up, it felt a little good that i could continue to sleep (although not very well since their room is next to ours).

 

Your doing a great job! Caring for twin babies has been the HARDEST thing i have ever done.
I know one day before DH left for work (he was working third shift at the time) i just had a huge melt
down i was watching CMT and the song "Jesus take the wheel" came on. and the part where she sings "Jesus take
the wheel, i'm letting go" made me start sobbing like crazy. I was just in need of some time by my self. My hubby had me call my mom
who told me to bring the babies to her house and go out for a while. What a difference it made, i think i went to the mall and just walked around.
Maby you could have your hubby watch babies when he is home so you can have some alone time cause even if he works he still gets out of the
house time. Good Luck We are always here for you ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

 

I would just like to say first of all, that you are doing an INCREDIBLE job. Please keep telling yourself this. Remind yourself of it constantly.

Secondly, although I have help (I have an au pair), I still have times of desperation. I also have a 2 year old daughter and with 3 kids it's so hard. The au pair is a tremendous help, but the saddest story is that my parents and 2 brothers, who are all alive and well and living very close to my home, HATE MY GUTS and threw me out of their life 3 years ago b/c my DH and brother couldn't get along in their business partnership. Sooooooooo... when you think you are alone and think that you can't do it, just tell yourself how great you are and tell yourself that someone out there has it harder and has it worse. With my current situation, I have to do this daily. It's so hard knowing how my family feels about me, but having my DH and my kids makes it all go away.

Meanwhile... one of my twins is such a handful (they are 7 months now), and has driven me to tears so many times in the past and I have even called him terrible names in my head. I can't help it. I feel terrible, but that's when I remind myself of how grateful I am for everything I have.

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!

 

I agree with the previous poster, can you try letting them CIO? Do you have a noise machine? I found that the easiest way to get them on the same sleeping schedule is to separate them for a bit. Even if you do not have an extra room, I am sure you have a bathroom? Put the harder to get to sleep twin in the bathroom, cover the window, turn on the fan, and shut the door at naptime. Put the other twin in the bedroom, turn on the noise machine and shut the door. If you can cover up those windows, make it as dark as possible. If you get everything ready beforehand, they will be closer to the same schedule. At this age, mine were usually on the 10 and 2 schedule. They were up between 7-8, nap at 10 and 2, down for the night between 630-7. The easiest way to pull me out of a funk/crying meltdown/desperation was the whole schedule. I knew, that when they woke up, I only had to get through the next 2 hours, and then they would be back down to sleep. Also, do not wait until they are crying and too tired to fall asleep- this only makes things worse.
Now, I do have to ask- why is you DS still sleeping in a bouncer? It could be that he does not like to be strapped in too much anymore? If you had them in a crib or packnplay, they would be able to wake up, roll around, play a bit, and probably go back to sleep (they will probably need a little practice). As for the bottle...I often just gave in, gave it to them, because it meant that they would go back to sleep, and I could go back to sleep as well. When you are so incredibly tired like you are, I think it is more important to give them what they need to get back to sleep, so that you can get back to sleep as well. I started giving them watered down bottles, and smaller amounts. This was quicker, and I found that just a couple of ounces would put them back to sleep. Mine did not start sleeping through the night until about 9.5 months- all babies are different. I just decided that htey still needed that bottle, because they would take it so quickly, they were not just playing with it, etc.
As for DH, he needs to step up to the plate and help out. Mine gets up at 430, and is home by 5pm. He knows that when he comes home, it is time to feed the kids, which leads to bedtime, and then he might have a little while later to ourselves. Sometimes, it just does not work, and it seems like we never have a break, but it DOES get better with each month. Sometimes, I am waiting at the door, and I hand them over and leave. Just going to the grocery store by myself is a treat. Coming home to find them all in bed is an extra special treat.
Having a place to put both babies and let them play on their own during the day also helps. An area that you can lock them in, like a playroom, superyard, etc. After a few days, they know where their toys are, and they want to play. They will also get used to not having you with them all of the time.
Men so often do not know what to do, but that does not always mean that they are not willing to help. If you tell your husband that in the evenings when he comes home, he needs to feed the babies, while you are making bottles, etc. this will give you a bit of time away from the babies, get in bed earlier, and allows your DH to do something with the babies.
Sorry to go on and on....

 

I totally agree with everyone else--you are a great mom! Don't doubt that at all! And your dh probably doesn't know how to help any more than he is. (which may be very little) I think it's a rare & wonderful man who takes care of babies without being told exactly what to do. Both times we've had infants in the house, I have thought SO many times, "Why did I marry this jerk who doesn't help?" I've honestly thought we'd get divorced many, many times during the first year of my son's life and during these past 10 months (while the twins have been infants). I think it's probably pretty common to have marriage issues during the first year of your children's lives because your entire world has completely changed! So, you need to talk to him about this. Get on his good side by telling him you appreciate whatever he's been doing to help (even if it's just emptying the dishwasher once last week). Then, tell him exactly what you need. If you need him to make the bottles tonight so you can go to bed early, ask him. Make it a goal to get to bed by 9-10pm every night so you aren't as exhausted getting up at 4am. If that means dh puts the babies (or just ds) to bed, then maybe you'll have to negotiate that. Or if what you really need is a night away from everyone, plan that with dh as the "babysitter". You need to do something for yourself...you can't keep going on like this. Pretty soon, you won't be able to take it anymore.

I agree with LindyFrog re: scheduling the babies & her other suggestions. Well-rested babies are happy babies, so make sure they get 2-3 naps during the day & they will sleep MUCH better at night. Remember, sleep begets sleep. 7 months was when I started doing CIO with our twins at bedtime. It's awful at first, but it works SO well & leads to much happier babies AND mommy! I also agree that white noise works wonderfully & so does separating the twins for a while. If ds is still in a bouncy seat, maybe he likes feeling confined--you could try swaddling him in the crib to mimic that feeling. If you need help re: sleep, I really liked "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Weissbluth. It tells you exactly what you need to do to get your babies to sleep better. Very realistic solutions that work! (It worked wonders on my non-sleeping son!)

Good luck!!!

 

I feel for you so much ... We all know exactly how you feel, believe me. We have all been there. I remember one night trying to get the both of them down for bed, one or the other would keep crying, my honey was working so I was alone, it kept going on and on, and then I crawled in bed, and my cat, who I hadn't spent much time with, came into bed with me and cuddled up by my side, and just as we got all snuggled in ... wails from the nursery. I got so mad at the babies ... it happens. It doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes you a TWIN mother who loves her babies fiercely but is severely sleep deprived and stressed out.
I think a lot of us have had those issues with our honeys as well. I just kind of broke down to mine last Sunday, crying, that every day I'm the one who gets them up, takes care of them by myself all day, and most nights does tubtime and gets them off to bed before he gets home, so when weekends roll around I always hope to maybe get an hour to myself, just to get away, or at least get more help with the babies, and it rarely happens. Frankly I think a lot of DHs are just kind of dense. Unless you really explain how you feel and why you feel that way and lay out exactly what they can do to help, they will just assume everything is fine and that they are doing a great job supporting thier family by working. I told mine I know how hard he works so that I can stay home with the babies, but sometimes I need help around here too, I need a break from the kids to keep my sanity or I'll break down. I know I will. There is simply only so much you can take before something has to go.
Sounds like you and DH need to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart. He definitely needs to step it up or you will start to resent him so much and things will escalate ... one night ended in me yelling F-YOU! to DH and smacking him. Talk about low! You know what? You should tell him that Sunday (or whatever) you are leaving from 12-3 so he needs to watch the babies. Don't even give him a choice about it, you are leaving and that is that. I have felt exactly the same way as you, like, it must be so nice to stop off and have a beer or 4 before coming home from work, and then get home but need to run to the parts store, so hey, I'll be back, meanwhile, you can't leave if you wanted to ... ugh. So just tell him you need to leave and that's that. Let him take the kids, he needs to do it both for himself and for you. Go get a coffee, or go to a park and nap in your car, or something. Just alone time for you.
Also, a little trick I learned - I take my guys out almost every day, to get all of us out of the house. They inevitably fall asleep in the van, and when I'm heading home, I'll grab some food from somewhere, and I keep magazines in the car, and when I get home, I pull up, park, and have some food and escape in a magazine while the kids snooze. It's a mini getaway and it can really really help. Or, even, grab a catnap for yourself while they sleep.
Big hugs hugs hugs. :hug99:

 

Big hugs to you... I can tell you from personal experience and from pm-ing other TS moms that what you are going through is completely normal and sorry to say is normal for your dh too. The other day I needed out, I mean just a couple of minutes so I left the babies with dh while I took my Mom shopping. We were gone just two hours (I'm still nursing) but it was enough to make me feel whole again and to give him a tidbit of what I go through. Oh yeah and I didn't ask, I knew he had no where to go and didn't care if he wanted to do things in the house, I just left and told him I'll be back before they are hungry again! Good Luck!

 

guess I am just a poor excuse for a mother

sorry you are not.. you are very NORMAL.. what you are feeling is NORMAL..
i went through this with my x..

it sucked.. and now i resent him for not letting me enjoy my babies..

that being said..

at 4 months i went back to wk.
i nursed 1 and put em back to bed.. nursed the other and at 530 i went to wk..
wked my8 hours came home to a sty.. and then he went to wk A PRETEND JOB THAT EVEN WHEN HE HAD A REAL ONE HE COULDNT KEEP IT)

SO I BECAME SELF SUFFICIENT..

i did 4 double loads of laundry.. never folded it until friday.. and started.. only washing his outside clothes..
when we split .. he had an entire basekt of dirty fithy undies.. and sports shorts..

showing his parents that he couldnt even do anything for himself.. let alone the family..

im sorry your going through this.. it is normal..

hang in there.. prayers and hugs
m

 

I just want you to know that you are not alone with getting frustrated with DH and overwhelmed with the babies.
I also suffered IF and feel like I should always LOVE being a mommy and appreciate the twins 24/7. I am starting to realize it is okay to get frustrated with them because there are 2 of them and only 1 of me!

I had a hard day with DH yesterday because sometimes I feel like he doesn't have his priorities straight. He took the day off for our 2 month appt but was going to the gym beforehand. So I got up and fed DS and DD started fussing. DH stuck the paci in her mouth and said hopefully that will hold her off until you are finished with him and was going to leave for the gym. If looks could kill, he would have been struck down right there. He ended up feeding DD

He knows how hard it is to be with the babies all the time, but I still feel that he expects me to do it all now that I stay home and he is the "breadwinner" for the family. I am starting to get resentful and have tried to talk to him about it a little at a time. My DH is awesome, but I think he is getting lazy since I am home all day and he thinks I should have energy even when he gets home.

Let me tell you though, I taught a special education preschool class and these 2 little babies take more out of me than teaching ever did! I think you and I should both have a nice, long talk with our DH's. I leave my DH alone with the twins for a few hours a few days a week so he can get a taste of what it is like. You should give it a try. It might open his eyes.

 

QUOTE(kma13 @ Jun 14 2007, 08:20 AM) [snapback]291736[/snapback]
Our mothers lived in a different time... They had a system, a network of other women who came to relieve them. Those women don't exist now. My brother and I are 5 years apart so I remember my mother's friends taking us for a few hours so she could sleep, or all of the moms and kids going to one house so none of the women felt isolated...it isn't like that anymore.


Exactly. My grandmother stayed with us for a week and you know what she told me? She said that it's much harder to raise children these days because the expectations are so different. No one was worried about teaching and stimulating small children or babies. They just played and learned naturally. She said that women back then were able to keep such a clean house because they thought nothing of putting a baby in a pack and play (she calls it a portable crib) outside when the weather was nice and leaving the baby to enjoy the air and a few toys there for a couple hours. She says all the neighborhood kids would keep an eye on the baby. She said all the women in her neighborhood would do that. Of course these days no one would. It's a different world now and it felt so good for me to hear my grandmother acknowledge that. I felt like "Ok that's why I can't keep a perfect house, perfect kids, perfect dinners, etc." It took some pressure off.

 

QUOTE(NatalieK @ Jun 14 2007, 04:23 PM) [snapback]292073[/snapback]
No one was worried about teaching and stimulating small children or babies. They just played and learned naturally. She said that women back then were able to keep such a clean house because they thought nothing of putting a baby in a pack and play (she calls it a portable crib) outside when the weather was nice and leaving the baby to enjoy the air and a few toys there for a couple hours. She says all the neighborhood kids would keep an eye on the baby. She said all the women in her neighborhood would do that. Of course these days no one would. It's a different world now and it felt so good for me to hear my grandmother acknowledge that. I felt like "Ok that's why I can't keep a perfect house, perfect kids, perfect dinners, etc." It took some pressure off.


Yup .. my dad told me his mom would plunk him in the front yard with the St. Bernard guarding him while she was in the house getting things done.
That used to help me too, when I would wonder if I was stimulating the babies enough, that back in the day they didn't have all the toys and gadgets and theories and everything that they do now and kids still turned out great. So I try and give myself a break if I just plunk them outside for a while, babies need time to just take in the world!

 

I am soooo sorry for what you're going through. :hug99: We certainly all understand and everything you feel is perfectly normal. You are NOT crazy.

My friend who had POW training in the military told me part of his course included the sound of a crying baby over the PA 24x7, accompanied by prolonged sleep deprivation. These are 2 of the worst conditions a human being can endure. Twin moms, do you hear that!!!!

Learning that REALLY made me feel strong..and it should you, as well. The bottom line is, we're still here with our babies, aren't we? You are surviving and you WILL get through this. It will definitely pass.

Is there ANY way you could hire occasional help, just to take naps? Even if you have to advance on a credit card or something? We're a little overextended but we've agreed too much lost sleep is bad for everybody and we'll be using some $$$ we really don't have to get help.

Try to take care of yourself.

 

Thanks for all of the support. Just to answer a few questions and/or touch base on a few things:

As soon as your DH arrives home from work, you need to hand him the reins and go to sleep. Let him take care of them so you can rest. He's got responsibilities in this too. I do work FT, and my DH helps out tremendously...they are capable. Force him into it.

He gets home like 7-7:30and then will eat dinner and then take over for a while. But usually they are asleep by then. So he just has to sit there with them(we don't leave ds to sleep alone yet) and give the 9 or 10pm bottle. During this time, I will eat dinner, make the bottles/load all of the days bottles into the dishwasher, etc., take a shower, fold any laundry(usually theirs), etc. Usually that is all I have time for as the later I get done, the later I can go to bed. Also, he is always wanting me to finish quickly so that he can go into his"office" and do some freelance work for a few hours before he goes to bed. Then he does not get enough sleep and cannot not get up the next day and is late to work which causes him to get home so late. It is a vicious cycle. But in anycase, he does care for them and can do the basics (feedings, diapers, changing clothes, playing, etc) it is just too late by the time he gets home. On the weekend he will spend time with them while I go foodshopping and then it is the same thing at night. I try to get more me time on a weekend where not much is going on but then he has more freelance work and/or other things to do (like mow the lawn, etc) I tell him that in 6 months they won't know him and it will be his own doing and he gets mad and when I ask for time, he asks me if I want him to send them back.

Do you sleep during the day? not usually but after I post this I am going to try to if they have a decent nap


You did not ask about sleep help so I am hesitant to even say this but are you willing to have them CIO. I am not loving this but I have started to a little, at least a modified version. I stay in the room since ds is in his bouncy seat so I will turn him so he can't see me or if I must hold him, I will hold him and sit in the rocker if I need to rather than walk all around like he prefers (hey I said modified lol). With dd is is more like WIO or MIO (wine it out or moan it out) she falls asleep before she gets to the crying. If it ever does get bad with her, I will pick her up but not for at least 5 or 10 minutes. Oh and she can't see me in the room when she is in her crib.


Now, I do have to ask- why is you DS still sleeping in a bouncer? He has acid reflux, a deviated septum and lyringomalicia. The acid reflux is the obvious. The deviated septum cases him to be severely congested all the time and the lyringomalicia is like part of his throat area is soft and not totally mature and causes him to have labored breathing when laying down. We have a sleep wedge inbetween the mattress and box spring and on top but it does not help. We do put him in the crib on a good day when napping so we can watch him and his body can have a little freedom, but for now, it is obviously more important for him to breathe, so the bouncy seat it is.

Sounds like you and DH need to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart. He definitely needs to step it up or you will start to resent him so much and things will escalate ... one night ended in me yelling F-YOU! to DH and smacking him.
Believe me, I have tried and he just doesn't get it, and I honestly don't think he ever will. I have left few times because he pissed me off so much. I don't like to do that though because then he says that I am leaving my babies. I told him that I would never leave them and that if I ever left him, they would be coming with me no matter what.

Anyway, thanks again. I think I covered everything. Going to try to get a nap now.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this...as you can see you are NOT alone! I remember one night in particular laying on the floor of my boys' room when they were about a month old completely miserable because they were both screaming and I was trying to figure how to feed them both, put back to sleep etc.

Being a mommy to twins is VERY hard work and you are doing such a great job! I hope DH becomes more understanding and I hope you can get some rest soon - everything looks better once you're somewhat caught up on sleep!

 

I remember those days and nights so well. I think all of us have been in your position at one time or another. I know I have had feelings about be incapable of taking care of my two. However, like others have posted, this time will pass. I think that the biggest problem you have is sleep deprivation and that makes all of the other problems bigger than life. My suggestion would be to CIO. I did this at my breaking point. I felt it was safer for my two to CIO than it was for a frustrated mommy to go in and try to soothe them and then get angry when they wouldn't do what I wanted. CIO is very difficult; however, it really saved me and my little ones from unwanted stress.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. You are not alone!

 

Thanks again, I don't know what I'd do without you ladies.

 

Just when I think he could not do any worse. I'd rather not get into it right now, but he is a very selfish man. He doesn't put me or his children first. I just told him that if he did not get another job closer to home (he works 60 miles away) that would allow him hours less traveling a day, and he could be home earlier at night and leave later in the morning, that I was leaving him with the babies. This is not the issue this has been something for years but the issue tonight could have been avoided if he worked somewhere else. And I am serious. I have had it.

 

First, I totally feel for you. I have had many days feeling like you do right now. I won't bore you with the details but I know how horrible and crazy-making this whole thing can be. I too went through infertility and did IVF for both my twins and my older DD; my DS also has severe reflux and is on a variety of very strong meds that don't seem to do a thing most days. It can be horrible and I too feel so bad about being miserable when we went through so much to bring these kids into the world.

Have you thought of contacting a local church for help? DH and I are not at all religious, but a church down the road heard through friends we didn't have much help and a few of their members called and offered assistance with watching the kids so I could get a nap or some free time during the week. Again, we're not religious but they have been totally willing to help anyway. Take whatever help you can get, whereever you can get it.

Also, try your local college nursing dept or childhood education department. I found out that both some colleges give credit for caring for twins and/or infants with medical issues, and the students will sit for free to get these credits. My neighbor who has twins got help through an area college that way.

Finally, can you move your son to the car seat to sleep at night? That should keep him upright but would stop the movement that comes with the bouncy, which may be keeping him up and making it harder to sleep. Just a thought.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you!

Mellie

 

QUOTE(~ilyse~ @ Jun 14 2007, 05:44 PM) [snapback]292208[/snapback]
Thanks for all of the support. Just to answer a few questions and/or touch base on a few things:

As soon as your DH arrives home from work, you need to hand him the reins and go to sleep. Let him take care of them so you can rest. He's got responsibilities in this too. I do work FT, and my DH helps out tremendously...they are capable. Force him into it.

He gets home like 7-7:30and then will eat dinner and then take over for a while. But usually they are asleep by then. So he just has to sit there with them(we don't leave ds to sleep alone yet) and give the 9 or 10pm bottle. During this time, I will eat dinner, make the bottles/load all of the days bottles into the dishwasher, etc., take a shower, fold any laundry(usually theirs), etc. Usually that is all I have time for as the later I get done, the later I can go to bed. Also, he is always wanting me to finish quickly so that he can go into his"office" and do some freelance work for a few hours before he goes to bed. Then he does not get enough sleep and cannot not get up the next day and is late to work which causes him to get home so late. It is a vicious cycle. But in anycase, he does care for them and can do the basics (feedings, diapers, changing clothes, playing, etc) it is just too late by the time he gets home. On the weekend he will spend time with them while I go foodshopping and then it is the same thing at night. I try to get more me time on a weekend where not much is going on but then he has more freelance work and/or other things to do (like mow the lawn, etc) I tell him that in 6 months they won't know him and it will be his own doing and he gets mad and when I ask for time, he asks me if I want him to send them back.

Do you sleep during the day? not usually but after I post this I am going to try to if they have a decent nap
You did not ask about sleep help so I am hesitant to even say this but are you willing to have them CIO. I am not loving this but I have started to a little, at least a modified version. I stay in the room since ds is in his bouncy seat so I will turn him so he can't see me or if I must hold him, I will hold him and sit in the rocker if I need to rather than walk all around like he prefers (hey I said modified lol). With dd is is more like WIO or MIO (wine it out or moan it out) she falls asleep before she gets to the crying. If it ever does get bad with her, I will pick her up but not for at least 5 or 10 minutes. Oh and she can't see me in the room when she is in her crib.


Now, I do have to ask- why is you DS still sleeping in a bouncer? He has acid reflux, a deviated septum and lyringomalicia. The acid reflux is the obvious. The deviated septum cases him to be severely congested all the time and the lyringomalicia is like part of his throat area is soft and not totally mature and causes him to have labored breathing when laying down. We have a sleep wedge inbetween the mattress and box spring and on top but it does not help. We do put him in the crib on a good day when napping so we can watch him and his body can have a little freedom, but for now, it is obviously more important for him to breathe, so the bouncy seat it is.

Sounds like you and DH need to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart. He definitely needs to step it up or you will start to resent him so much and things will escalate ... one night ended in me yelling F-YOU! to DH and smacking him.
Believe me, I have tried and he just doesn't get it, and I honestly don't think he ever will. I have left few times because he pissed me off so much. I don't like to do that though because then he says that I am leaving my babies. I told him that I would never leave them and that if I ever left him, they would be coming with me no matter what.

Anyway, thanks again. I think I covered everything. Going to try to get a nap now.


iIyse, reading your post i could feel shivers as it reminded me so much of aspects of my relationship.

My husband HAS NEVER changed a poopey diaper. My girls are 8 months old. He has changed maybe three pee diapers, including on in the NICU when they were born.

My husband is a young entrepeneur who makes a significantly higher income than most people and as such has this belief that since hes a large breadwinner he doesn't have to do ANYTHINGelse in the family. Anything i ask for help with he says 'go hire someone'. Well that might sound like an enviable position to some people, but its not. Its a lonely life. He gives me no attention, no appreciation and the kids (who he loves very much) get cuddles and kisses when they are cute and clean but passed to me when they spew or cry. I have a young girl that comes and helps me with them for several hours for two days per week, so i know i'm lucky. But its the sheer neglect that breaks my heart.

He sits in his office (from home) for 15 hours a day plus, doing 'important' work. He is usually cranky and stressed.. and thinks i have the life of a queen because i'm not working.

We used to be business partners, we set up business together and without my smarts he could never be where he is today, and back then he was loving, attentive and i really thought he'd make an amazing Father because he has a very sensitive side. I was wrong. He has turned into a distant person and i dont know what i can do about it. I have written him letters and tried to talk to him but in his mind, he brings home the 'big bacon' (which only started to get very big in the last 2 years). I find himself becoming more submissive and on egg shells around his moods and its exhausting. To even think of complaining about handling the girls by myself will errupt into a huge.. 'you're so ungrateful, i make lots of money blah blah'

He is selfish and a narcissist. He went on a business trip recently and instead of calling to make sure i'm coping with the girls, he calls me to tell me that being by himself is 'peaceful' and he enjoys the time away from all the 'havoc'.


Anyway, i'm sorry to hyjack your thread, i'm just having a MAJOR vent too! Maybe in some small way it will make you feel better. The part where you said your husband was asking for his charger etc while you were on the bedroom floor reminded me of my husband, he yells out where is this or where is that.. hes 29 years old, surely he can find it himself!

I know we've had a rough 8 months as one of my daughters was born with a rare eye syndrome and it put a lot of stress on us both, my Mum has suggested he has sort of a male post-natal depression where the stress of the last year has taken its toll on him and he just wants to focus on work and not think about it.

 

(((((((Ilyse)))))))

I'm sending you some major hugs. I think you *need* to talk to your DH about the situation. Maybe you should enlist an impartial third person to mediate this conversation. I don't know if you are part of a religious organization or maybe you can call your OB for a recommendation. Who knows if its PPD or just the stress of taking care of two babies all alone, but regardless you need to take care of yourself for your lil ones. And your DH needs to get on board. Yes, he works but SO DO YOU!!! I'm back at work and can honestly say being at the office is MUCH easier than taking care of my girls.

If there is any money at all, you should try to get a mother's helper for a couple of hours a week. Are there any teenage girls in your neighborhood? Now that school is almost out, maybe you can find one or two who will come over when you are there (cheaper!) and hold a baby while you fold laundry or eat lunch. Just having another person there to pick up a baby is so comforting... then you aren't juggling two screaming babies alone.

I hope it gets better for you. -Leighann

 

QUOTE(~ilyse~ @ Jun 14 2007, 05:44 PM) [snapback]292208[/snapback]
i]As soon as your DH arrives home from work, you need to hand him the reins and go to sleep. Let him take care of them so you can rest. He's got responsibilities in this too. I do work FT, and my DH helps out tremendously...they are capable. Force him into it.[/i]

He gets home like 7-7:30and then will eat dinner and then take over for a while. But usually they are asleep by then. So he just has to sit there with them(we don't leave ds to sleep alone yet) and give the 9 or 10pm bottle. During this time, I will eat dinner, make the bottles/load all of the days bottles into the dishwasher, etc., take a shower, fold any laundry(usually theirs), etc. Usually that is all I have time for as the later I get done, the later I can go to bed. Also, he is always wanting me to finish quickly so that he can go into his"office" and do some freelance work for a few hours before he goes to bed. Then he does not get enough sleep and cannot not get up the next day and is late to work which causes him to get home so late. It is a vicious cycle. But in anycase, he does care for them and can do the basics (feedings, diapers, changing clothes, playing, etc) it is just too late by the time he gets home. On the weekend he will spend time with them while I go foodshopping and then it is the same thing at night. I try to get more me time on a weekend where not much is going on but then he has more freelance work and/or other things to do (like mow the lawn, etc) I tell him that in 6 months they won't know him and it will be his own doing and he gets mad and when I ask for time, he asks me if I want him to send them back.


You two definitely need to sit down and have a heart to heart about all this, even possibly talk to a counselor. My DH wanted me to sleep as soon as he could take over. He would have taken care of all the bottles, folding laundry...all of that. He'd have sent me up for my shower and bed. Taking care of babies FT is much, much more difficult than working FT - I've done both and can vouch for that.

Can you hire some help? Even a high school or college student, out for the summer, who can come and spell you for a few hours each day?