Is it Better to "Have Help" or Not with Newborn Twins?

Hi everyone,

I'm due in about 7 weeks.

My DS just turned 4 and so my mom and dad are visiting for his birthday. They brought my grandmother.

I love them all dearly and truly they are helpful, BUT...(there's always a but)...

I'm losing my mind.

There is so much unsolicited advice, constant dialogue, and people around all the time. Our house is small.

I had assumed we would want my parents here to help the first few weeks. As of right now, both babies are breech so it's looking like I'll have a Csection.

I started thinking today about how crazy it'll be when the babies are here and I'm recovering and we have a 4 year old. AHHHHH!

I guess my question is: How much help did you have? Do you wish you had more or less?

Thanks in advance!

 

:hug:'s Sorry it's crazy right now with everyone there.

I can only speak for myself, but I loved having the help. I had a c/s, they were my first and I had my mom and MIL here to help. :good: Before they were born I thought it would be too many people and they would drive me crazy but it was a tremendous help to me and wouldn't change a thing. I laid down the law before the babies were born and they did very well obeying. :laughing: Seriously, I think they were scared of me and my hormones. It gave me the chance to heal and spend alot of time just with the babies. :wub: They did the rest and took the babes at night, which was the most helpful thing ever as I couldn't just jump out of bed.

Saying all that, I'm sure if you decided to go with no help from them, you'd do great. :hug: :hug:

 

DH and I did it alone for the first 3 weeks. (DH was off work). That worked fine and I think it was best for us to get used to the babies without other people around. After that, I had help basically every day for the first 3 months. After 3 months, I've I have had help 2-3 days a week. I LOVE having help. I am breastfeeding, and initially it took me over an hour to feed the babies. It was essential to have someone to care for the other baby. Basically, I focused on feeding. Now, it's great to have someone hold/play with the babies. It also frees me up to do laundry, chores, etc. We have a small house and I think it's best to only have one helper at a time. Whenever we had a lot of people over, it got overwhelming, as opposed to helpful. My family lives locally, so I have the benefit of people coming for just the day. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you have help, I would take it.

 

After our twinkies were born, my DH had ten days off. Once he went back to work my Mom stayed and helped out for a week, then my cousin for a couple of days and my best friend for a few days after that. I was immensely grateful for their help, it worked out so well for me (and DH).

 

My parents came for the first month after the babies were born, and it was great! However, I put my foot down and insisted that they not stay at our house (we have a small house and while technically, there would have been room for them, I felt like it would have been too much). It worked out well--they stayed in an extended stay hotel and were well rested whenever they came over to help (which was every day), plus they had their own space to retreat to in case things got too crazy. They did dishes, laundry, errands and were fabulous baby holders. i had a c-section so it was nice to have them around also to help me out as I was recovering. After that first month, I've been on my own about 11 hours every day--the first couple weeks were the hardest, but you get used to it! GL!

 

I thought I'd definitely want the help. I had a c-section and I was breastfeeding. My DH was home until they were about 10 days old then he went back to work full time. He was able to come home at lunch most days to get me my food (thank goodness!). My MIL came over and helped for a couple days when we first came home but it was off and on (she lived 30 minutes away). My mother came into town for 2 weeks when they were 9 days old and came over for a few hours every day till hubby came home. HONESTLY this was more than I wanted or needed. I actually did better when it was just me and my hubby. It seemed like when people were over I was "entertaining". Even if this was not their intention. At times when I should have been sleeping (when babies were sleeping) I was awake talking to whoever was over and this made for a very long few first weeks. I was absolutely exhausted. Some people like a lot of help and are able to take the time to go rest when people are over. I'm just not one of those people and I kind of like my own space/time. The advice sometimes gets overwhelming too. I think you should go with what your gut says. If you have some family close by that can be "on-call" if you don't want them over all the time that would be great. What really did help me was the first week some neighbors set up a dinner rotation and we would have a full meal brought over from one of the neighbors every night that week. That was SO appreciated. They would stop over, take a quick peek at the babies if it was ok, drop off the food, and scoot out the door. It was heaven! Food was the number one thing that really helped us out to be honest. Maybe if you have a good friend or family member to organize something like that? Good luck! I know it's nice to know help is there if you need it but sometimes it's nice to just have your own time to figure things out.

 

I really wish I had help when my boys first came home. My mom lives next door and she was great at watching my older two kids, but I was pretty much on my own at my house with the boys because my husband had to go back to work within a few days. It was really really rough. There were a lot of tears, mine and theirs. Having a second set of hands to help when both boys were crying would have been a life saver. I couldn't nurse both at the same time at first so feeding them was really hard.

Also, if this is your first c-section, then you may be hurting for a while. This was my third and it was an easy recovery, but it was still sometime hard to carry both boys around. By the end of the day I usually felt pretty sore.

 

I had a c/s also and an almost 3-year-old. My husband was off the first week (including hospital stay) and my mom came and helped me the next week (during the day only). After two weeks I was on my own and I SOOOO wished I had help still! After my mom stopped coming and hubby went back to work, I couldn't keep up with breastfeeding or sleeping. Like pp said, I too wouldn't want more than one person around though. I would have felt overwhelmed with more than one. But then again, I was overwhelmed with none!

 

My parents were here for the first 2 or 3 weeks & I welcomed the help. By the end of that time I was anxious to try things on my own, but in the early days, I definitely found help to be a plus!

 

I would suggest laying down the law in advance...explain that you need help around the HOUSE, and not necessarily with baby cuddling...although with a c/s, you will need time to just heal and recover. I really appreciated being able to hand the babies off and taking a nap for a couple of hours or even just holing up in my room while surfing the net (on my laptop while I layed down in bed)...I had/am having a tough time recovering (incision had to be re-opened due to fluid build up/infection) and ended up with a fever, etc, so I don't know how on earth I would have managed without the help (even if it DID feel claustrophobic sometimes!). Oh, and I also have a 2 year old...and just having someone to get his lunch and put him down for naps, etc was invaluable.

 

We didn't have any help. We had lots of visitors who offered to help but noone really followed through and i didn't like to hold people to their offers. When i look back a spare pair of hands might well of saved my sanity but i really didn't feel like there was anyone i could rely on so i suppose i am getting round to saying, if you are comfortable with the person who is helping and feel able to ask them to help out or step back as the case maybe then yes go for it but there is nothing worse than having people in your home who don't let you breathe. I am a private person and really struggled with the amount of attention we got as we generally don't see much of our extended family. This is just my exeperiance and if i had a 4yr old i might just keep them forever but if if i were to do it all again i wouldn't ask for the help as we coped on our own and are really proud of that fact actually. Lots of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

 

Having another child really complicates things. If I had only had a singleton or didn't already have a 3 yr old, things would be entirely different. For the first couple of months it seems like all you do is feed the babies (and that's really not far from the truth). I would give my right arm to just have someone here to give him the attention he needs/deserves and I'm someone who is generally pretty private and very reluctant to accept help of any kind. Unfortunately, we have NO one so it's a moot point.

That being said, I also like the idea of laying down the law for whomever you do have to help you. Hey, it's the only time you can really get away with this without anyone accusing you of having an "attitude" anyway, right? You can be nice, but definitely tell them exactly WHAT you need done. My wishlist (in this order): someone to handle the brunt of DSs #1's care, feeding ourselves, housework. Your babies will be held plenty by virtue of just needing to eat virtually round the clock.

Good luck!!
Eve

 

I had help, but it was a night nurse hired by my mom for the first two weeks. That was invaluable to me--especially since my incision got infected. It allowed me to sleep full nights the first couple of weeks while recovering from the surgery. By the end of the 2 weeks, I felt ready to be on my own, and I was.

 

you'll want help. esp if you are breastfeeding!

of course, you'll also want days OFF from help.. but that's something you can plan as well.

it helps to have someone help you establish your routine.

 

I don't think you will ever regret having help. Take it when it's offered because NO ONE offers to help EVER AGAIN after the novelty has worn off. TAKE IT! Do whatever you can to REST now. TELL THEM TO DO THINGS. You will have to give orders if you can. No one knows what to do. They want to be helpful (I think ), but don't know where to start. I've found that if you ask kindly- they will help with whatever you need.

I had a girl friend who worked a split shift during the day so she would come over for an hour or two during the day (m-r) and it was nice. She would help me regain control of myself. I was REALLY hormonal and panicky in the beginning and just having someone there REALLY helped me normalize.

Even if you are a "private" person, I think taking help in the beginning IS a good idea. It won't be long before they are all gone and you are solo. You'll be solo for the next 20 years so a few weeks of help in the grand scheme of things will later seem like a blip on the map but when you are going thru it and you have TWO wailing newborns... AND another child. Those other hands will be a hot commodity.

Take their help!

 

I say take any and all help offered. I had a 26 MONTH DD at the time the boys were born and it was great to be able to have some extra time to reconnect with her after being in the hospital on bedrest.

 

My parents planned to come when the boys arrived, but they were in the NICU for a month. My dad came for the weekend they were born and my mom came the day I got home from the hospital and stayed a week. DH went back to work right away so he could save his paternity leave for when they came home. My mom drove me back and forth to the NICU since I was still on pain meds (csection too). Both my parents and DH were around for 2 weeks when the boys came home from the hospital then my mom stayed another 2 weeks. She left 2 days before DH was sent on a 2 month deployment. I went from a ton of help to none. It worked really well for me, but I wouldn't have wanted any more people around.

 

DH was home for the first 2 weeks, and my parents came down when the babies were 2 weeks old for about 12 days. After they went home and dh went back to work, MIL would come down to help for a little bit. I wouldn't have wanted anymore help, I'm a very "do it yourself" type of person anyways. Mostly MIL stayed after she picked up our 7 yr old from school and brought him home.

It was GREAT having help the first few weeks though, and it was my 3rd c/s so the recovery was fairly easy but I ended up with a bladder infection, which was incredibly painful and made moving around very difficult. I also couldn't breastfeed both babies at the same time so having some one to occupy baby #2 while I was feeding #1 was priceless!

I say take the help, but as pp's said tell them what you need done, and REST when you can when they are there!! :hug:

 

For me having help for two weeks was too much right off the bat. I wish they had come up when the babies were a month old instead. I wanted to do it on my own from the start because I had to get on my feet and get my head wrapped around it all. That being said, I didn't have an older child - with this new baby I will love having help and I know I'll need it with two 14 month olds. Everyone and every situation is different and you might change your mind a ton of times. I certainly did. Good luck and just do what is most helpful to you!

 

Ok. if you will ask my opinion help but very short one
actually it depend.
Let me tell my experience.

I have almost 4yo DS and twins and my expirience with first DS wasn't great with help so this time I was against any help. but my husband said that I would be uncomfortable with all 3 kids after c-section so he make sure that I invite my mom for a week.
so first week was in the hospital and I asked DH NOT TO TAKE this days from work. but he was working from home this days so he came to me for lunch and after work in the hospital.
2nd week he took off from work and we were along by ourself. IT WAS THE GREATEST WEEK regarding help. DS is attend day care and Dh drive him in and pick him up because I wasn't allow to drive.
3rd week I had my mom for help. It was hard week for me. SHE DOES HELP but not the way i want it or need it. I place babies bottle how I like it, but she doesn't like and she change the location. how SHE THINK IT MUST BE. and it was almost in everything. the great help was in the evening when I pick up first DS from day care and she played with him. but again. he use to go to bed at 9pm she didn't put im to bed until 10 pm
once we told her that he need to go to bed at 9 she just reply that it is ok to go to bed at 10. so after a week it took us couple of days to switch the rutine back to normal for him. and he is smart enough to tell that grandma allow him to play longer.
4th week THIS IS GOOD WEEK. I am along. with all kids. it is not easier because we wake up I feed twins and dress DS for day care. after I need to put twins in the car seats and take DS in the daycare. (so I need to make ready all 3 kids. and it took long time)
later on in the evening I need to make sure that our feeding schedule will not interupt with pick up DS from day care. because I need to pick him up before 6pm. but so far I was able to handle one week. and believe me it is good do what you need when you need. another hard part. sleeping. but when you are along it is much easy. I just put twins in their bassinets in our bedroom and sleep for an hour while they are sleeping.
My DH asking if I want to hire someone who will drive and pick up DS from day care but so far I am good. and will see how thing goes.

So from my experience. the best help is DH if he help you. otherwise along would be just fine. might be think about hire night help. it woudl be better. this is what I simetimes thinking about when I have sleepess night.

P.S. Forget to write. the great help was food prepared by my mom an MIL they brought it on the weekend and we were eating it sureing whole week so we don't need to spend time for cooking. just warm it up and was able to feed ourself and DS.

Good luck with your decision.

 

I had to recover from both a vaginal and c-section delivery and on top of that, I developed postpartum pre-eclampsia (rare but it happens). I was not doing well and am so incredibly grateful to have had the help I did right from the get-go. I still am getting help during the week. During the weekend it's just DH and I. We also have a five year old so having extra people around allowed me to give her some undivided attention.

You need to do what you think is best for you. Everyone is different I am still loving having the folks come by during the week to help out. I am actually dreading the day they are going out of town and we'll be totally on our own.

 

I think it all come down to your type of personality. I am a do it yourself kind of person and I just wanted to figure things out on my own without all the advice from everyone else and wanted to get into a rountine with DH. My DH was home for 3 weeks and I have no other children so my situation might be a little different. I also was not able to sleep when everyone was around and had a lot of nervous energy. Everyone wanted to come in and hold the babies,not really help out with the fun stuff like laudry or dishes all the attention was focused on the babies. I also found it annoying that if I wanted to ask for help I had to stop and explain how to do everything where this goes, where that goes etc and is easier to just do it myself. I think it would be good to have help with your other child since you will be so busy with the babies. Also if you plan to breastfeed or not and how others view your decision. I breastfeed and I had to listen constantly to the people saying just formula feed I don't understand why your are doing this. If I wasn't so determined I would have given up from the constant negativity. I also felt that every time someone came over I had to straighten the house up and be up for entertaining. It was alot of stress and I felt like my door was a revolving door. I think you need to set guidlines in advance and if you want help or people visiting set up designated times and things you want them to be in charge of. It also depends upon the relationship you have with your parents. If I had the money I think it would be better to hire someone to come in and help so no one is stepping on anybody's toes. I think the biggest help was with food and running errands because that is the last thing you feel like doing. Hope you can figure a arrangment that works for your family.

 

I loved having the help from my mother and my little sister. The one thing you have to prepare for that can be really annoying is the visitors. Visitors will come to see the babies but are the opposite of helpful. We had so many visitors. I couldn't believe it. I never visit people with newborns. I know how tired they must be. It really drove me crazy. I was more than okay with visitors once we made it past the 2 week mark, but before that it just made me irritable.

 

Sorry it's overwhelming for you right now!!

My mom stayed with us for the 1st 6 weeks---only at night time. I had a c-section and knew I would want some extra help. We are lucky enough to be very close to all of our family. My parents only live about 10 minutes from us, so my mom would come over every night around 8 or 9PM and stay all night, then go home in the morning. It was a huge blessing and I loved the help. Even if it was just dealing with my 4 & 7 year old daughters for bed time, while I attended to the twins or vice versa. My husband had to work & it just was too hard for him to get up at night with us, and then work 10-12 hour days. So, it was just my mom & I @ night attending to the twins. My boys are EBF, so she would get them when they woke up, bring them or one to me, I would nurse & then she would take them for the burping & putting them back to bed, so I could get some more sleep. I can't even imagine surviving that 1st 6 weeks w/out her help. Even after the 6 weeks of having her @ night, she would come over during the day to help with the twins so I could spend some uninterrupted time with my daughters.

However, you always have some of that unwanted "advice", etc. I caught her trying to put one of the babies to sleep in their crib on their tummy---thank goodness for that video monitor we have! lol Even though she knew "back is best", he was fussy & she was just trying to get him to sleep. All I had to do is gently remind her that it can be dangerous & she never did it again. So, even though there might be some issues, it was totally worth the extra help as long it's reliable help that is willing to actually help you out & not stress you out. Good luck!

 

Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I don't know how one can handle newborn twins without help.

We have older teenager girls that love taking over for us in the morning. The deal is if dh and I can make it through till about 5:30AM they come in and take them out of our room so we can sleep in.

I had a C-section due to ours being breech also, and during the first week I hurt sometimes it hurt me to hold the babies.

My advise is....if you have help offered take all you can. It will just make your recovery quicker in the end. You'll probably only "need" help for a short time anyway.

HTH,

 

I needed help. My hubby and I managed for the first 6 weeks and then I melted down ( he was back at work after 2 weeks.) After 6 weeks I spent 5 days a week at my parents. Then at 3 months we hired a night nanny 3 nights a week (that was heavenly.) I can't imagine how I would have done it without help.