intrusive mother in law?

Hello all,

I am a little over 6 weeks pregnant with twins. First pregnancy after 4 years of ttc. First and probably only grandchildren for both our mothers. My mother is thrilled and being protective of me. My mother-in-law is only concerned for the twins. She has sent us three emails in the last 24 hours trying to convince us to let her hire a nurse for us to help care for the babies after they are born. I find this pretty offensive because the between the lines message is that she doesn't think I can take care of my own children. Dh and I discussed it and decided to put it off for now, telling her that it is so early, we don't know that I will actually deliver 2 live twins (fingers crossed that I do) and we don't know if I will deliver early. We think that if all is well, we can manage on our own until I go back to work and the only hired help we might want is someone who can help with housework and cleaning.

I am looking for some opinions here -- would you accept her offer or do you think we will be able to take care of them ourselves providing all goes well? I am feeling uncomfortable about a stranger near the babies. It took so long to get here that I am already pretty overprotective and I do believe we can take care of them ourselves but I don't want to be unreasonable because I am feeling moody and insulted by my MIL.

Thanks in advance!

 

Right now I think you should worry about you and your babies... You have a very long time to decide what you want to do (or dont want to do) after the babies come. So I dont think you need to make any of decisions along those lines right now. I also have a very intrusive mother in law who doubts my abilities as a future mother, so I know how you feel...

The one thing that has really helped me (especially while I have been pregnant) is just to zone her out (I know, sometimes easier said than done...). Right now my biggest priority is these 2 babies in my belly!! And everything else is second to them!!

Congratulations on the twin pregnancy!! You have wanted this for such a long time, you deserve to enjoy it and be very happy!!

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy first of all!

I'm sure emotions are running high right now; there are so many variables and a long road ahead.

However, whether or not she was implying you can't care for them, I know lots of ladies who were able on this board had night nurses in the beginning and loved it. I for one could have used it!

I bf my babies, but with two, it's non-stop around the clock feeding, changing, burping, etc.
You may want to consider it down the road.

Get ready for Grandmas!!

 

It took us a while to conceive too. I feel the same way you do. I cannot fathom giving my children to someone else to care for. I need time after their born first. You need time to decide what you need. I would suggest telling her what you need, someone for cooking/cleaning, not a nurse. I would state it politely but very firmly. That's her option(s). And yes, she is being intrusive - a little too aggressive. Laying down boundaries now where your children are concerned is a great idea and will lay the foundation for when they're here and growing up. HTH.

 

it is nice to get to sleep the whole night through. when my dd was 5 weeks old, my MIL spent two nights with us and stayed up with dd so we could sleep the whole night. it made such a difference for us! you might want to get a night nurse for when the babies are 4 - 6 weeks. by then you'll be thoroughly exhausted, but also calmer about the babies to feel comfortable having someone else around.

but, like the others, i say put the decision off until you are closer to delivering.

 

I'd make my intentions clear as soon as you can. You don't want her to get her mind set on providing that for you, setting up care and then having to cancel. She'll be irritated, I would think. Just have your DH explain to his mom that you'd rather have help with housecleaning, etc. - if she is a loving mom she should understand this. She was given the opportunity to care for her own babies, after all. If he explains it in a loving way, you should have no problems. She's probably just trying to help when she can.

I would say, though, having a night nurse might help in the first week at home or so, unless you have DH to help. It can be exhausting!

 

Thanks Ladies. I really appreciate your ideas and support!

Dh works at home and will be able to take a few weeks paternity leave so I think we will be fine initially unless the babies are premies. He told his mom we'd love to take her up on getting us some extra housekeeping so that we have more time to care for the babies but we didn't want to make plans until we are closer to delivery. She has this way of contacting us independently then trying to play us against each other so we try to make sure that all "policy statements" from us come from him as she respects his word but not mine. So at least we put it off for now but I feel like this is the start of a new era with her and that we will constantly have to draw new lines in the sand for her as she tries to run the lives of her grandchildren.

But you are right -- I need to not worry about her and take care of myself and the babies for now.

 

Congratulations on this pregnancy. It sounds like you have a very excited grandma who only wants the best for her grandbabies. The problem is, what you feel is best and what she feels is best are two different things. I think that it is wonderful that you are letting DH field the issue with his mom. That will help in the long run. You have so much time to worry about getting help. As it gets closer and the reality starts to set in, you can plan from there.

And FWIW, DH took three weeks off and we were just fine without a nurse. My friend on the other hand, with twins, was sooooo thankful she had one. I guess it just depends on your personalities and the temperament of the babies. But man oh man, I would have given my left leg for a housekeeper (and still would)!!!!

 

Hi! congratulations on your pregnancy!

I understand a little how you feel, for different reasons. When I had my first pregnancy, my dh wanted his mother to come and help. I really wanted to have some time on our own after our dd would be born, and I insisted that my mom comes first, but only a week after the scheduled due date. My MIL was to arrive 3 weeks after the due date. In reality, my daughter was past due, and my mom ended up arriving before she was born because she had already bought her plane tickets. It was actually wonderful to have her to help me pass the time while I was waiting for the induction date, and she even was present during the delivery. She was very discrete, and very helpful. She was cooking, cleaning, and I just had to focus on taking care on my newborn. I was breastfeeding, so I was the also feeding her at night. Thanks to my mom's personality I never felt invaded, she respected our privacy and my need to feel in charge as a new mom. The bottom line is that I had no idea of how hard it would be. I delivered vaginally and had some stiches, I could barely sit, and as everyone, was sleep deprived. And I was glad she was there all the time, especially in that first week following my dd birth. You don't know how your body will respond to the birth. So any help (maybe except a direct help from your MIL in your case) MIGHT be welcome. I think you did well to have this wait and see attitude and to accept a possible help for housekeeping. Whether you may even appreciate the help of a stranger is a matter of personality I guess.

If you do have someone at home, the most important willl be to be clear with that person on her duties and what you don't expect (meaning don't want) her to do, such as whether or not picking up a crying baby when you're in the room or just stepped out for a minute, offering advices, or making comments related to baby care.

As for the reasons for your MIL to offer this help, it's hard to tell. She probably does not realize that she's being insulting. But relationships with MILs (when she is the mother of the husband) are sometimes ambiguous and often carry some competition component. There may be some "territory" issues. I used to have that with my MIL, but things are better now. The most important is that you are always on the same page with your dh , and that you don't feel that she is dividing you. Even when she is wrong, try to be as diplomatic as possible with your dh so that he doesn't feel you are against your MIL by principle. After all, she's still his mother, and he'll appreciate the respect and will support you even more if he feels you "neutral".

Finally, as everyone has said here, what you need now is to focus on this pregnancy, so the least you think about her, the better!

Well, that was a long one! I was trying to share my personal experience, not to give you directions I hope it will help!

I wish you good luck!