I'm too honest, I hope I don't upset any of you

I just need to write. I don't even know if I will hit the post button at the end of this, but if you are reading this than I did.
As most of you know, SO died when I was 8 months pregnant.
More back story so you can understand where I am coming from: I got pregnant when I was 20 and moved in with my boyfriend who was 29 when I was 18. Although I am a very mature 21 year old, I am still 21. After 2 years together, dude was getting to the baby making age and although the pregnancy was not planned, he was so happy when I got pregnant that although I was terrified I had a feeling that it was going to be okay and that we could do it- together. I did not have one single friend who had my back on having a child at 21, not one. All I had was my man in my back pocket. Every single person (other than him) from my mother to my best friend, to guy friends, to women I have respected my whole life, told me to get an abortion. Although I am pro-choice, I couldn't do it. I didn't have the heart to. And like I said before my love was the happiest I had seen him in years.
So it is hard for me to "complain" (I HATE THAT WORD!) to my friends because they all told me not to do it and that I would ruin my life. I definitely don't feel like I have ruined my life but this whole "dude in my back pocket" isn't their anymore because he decided after 2 years clean to get high and he died instantly of a stroke due to a speed/coke overdose.
But I am at my wits end. I have been a failure in just about everything I have ever done in my entire life- no joke. I don't have low self esteem I just know I have never tried at anything, ever. And if it didn't come easy, I gave up. Although I have changed and grown up a lot since those days, I'm currently taking as many classes as I can take online so I don't have to put my children in child care. I'm taking philosophy and humanities right now over summer thats crammed from 12 weeks to 5. I put the babies to sleep at 8 Pm and do homework until 1 or 2, whenever one wakes up. By the time I have fed one and put them back to sleep the other wakes up. So I sleep from 3am-5am, sometimes 6 if I am lucky. I am not even exaggerating. I DO NOT SLEEP. I have never tried to hard at one thing let alone TWO (school, babies) in my entire life and I feel that I should have already broken. But for some reason, I haven't.
Trust and believe, I know I am one of the strongest biatchs I have ever met, I know that. But I am in love with a dead man and feel I am a wood plank that just keeps bending but never snaps.
I know that me busting my *** everyday in school is only temporary and this too shall pass. I know I am doing it so I can provide a decent life for my little ones because the odds are already against them. I know I will not be alone for the rest of my life, not physically but mentally and emotionally and I know I will learn to love again. I know that everything is going to be okay in the end. All of this I know, with everything I encompass but it still doesn't make it better right now.

I am absolutely sick of having dreams EVERY night that my man is still alive. I wake up thinking he is not dead and that I am going to walk upstairs and he will be in bed with his little girl or little man. Every morning I kick myself in the *** for dreaming of that over and over. And every night I kick my *** for laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking of how things would be oh-so-much different if he was here. It's a different kind of love- the love you get from your babies and the love you get from your man. And when you feel like that love you get from your babies can't hold you, that love of that man does. And vice versa. It's a circle, one that I did not get to experience and I hate that. I hate him for doing that to us. I hate seeing his homeboys and the stupid looks they give like, "I wish I could help, but I don't know how". I hate when people tell me how much he would have loved these babies and how much he loved me, cause he can't love me anymore. I HATE THAT. I think I know and hate a lot right now, huh?

Who feels like they can't go on and they do? Your situation doesn't have to be as drastic as mine. I think we all feel it, it's an internal thing. Sometimes it's not even due to sleep deprivation, it's just a hole that wants to break.

Thanks for reading, I hope I don't make you guys sad. Cause one day it will be a beautiful thing; this experience.

 

First of all I am so sorry for all you have to go through. hang in there - you are doing great, I can't believe what you have been through and continue to go through, you are a super strong person, and it sounds like you are finishing everything you have started! It's amazing actually what a person can do when they have to.
Is there anyway anyone you know can watch the babies for a bit of time every week to give you a break and a chance to sleep? Any of your SO friends, perhaps a group of them could look after the kids - or would you trust them?
I am so sorry you are having those dreams, that must be hard to wake up each morning, but just know you are doing a great job with your babies!!! Hugs to you!!
Yes, my situation is nowhere near yours, but I can relate in a small way, as I was without my dh for 2.5mnths while he was overseas, we had twins, tried to sell our house, did showings, lived in a house with only a bed and a couch set for a month, packed up our house, shipped our stuff overseas, I moved 6hrs away in with my parents for 2.5mnths, nearly landed up in the hospital due to all the stress I was undergoing. In the meantime I was trying to support dh who started a new job in a new country, not to mention trying to set up our new house from a thousand miles away. THere were many days where I felt I could not go on. But, somehow I did it, not sure how somedays. Again, it is incredible what you can do when you have to. It is people like you that motivate me that I can go on : )

 

I cannot even imagine what you are going through, sweetie. Hugs to you--you're really an amazing woman, though I imagine hearing that isn't very healing. I imagine every time you hear that you want to scream "I don't want to be amazing, I just want my man back." And it's perfectly okay and legitimate to feel that way.

No advice, just more hugs.

 

I am glad you posted. Hopefully in some way just getting it all out was good for you. I have followed your posts in other forums, and have marvelled at your strength. As pp post said, you probably don't care to hear that. But, it is true.

It is great that you are trying to get your education, but I think you need to sleep too. You lost the man you love right before giving birth to twins. You need time to adjust, recover, and to let youself heal. Do you think maybe school can wait until you are not so overwhelmed both physically and mentally?

We moved into a new house in the Fall, my husband left for Iraq, and I was alone with three kids and pregnant with twins. My husband came home 16 days before they were born. The combination of all the stress has left us stressed and arguing, which we never did before. I am on meds for ppd and he should probably see someone for ptsd, but he won't at this time. Some days are wonderful, but some days are very, very difficult with five kids and a husband who has become distant in many ways. At times, despite all the blessings in my life, I feel that everything is impossible. I know that right now I could never successfully take on any more, especially school.

Even though you are amazingly strong, and even if you can knock out school, maybe you should consider giving yourself some time.

And I am sorry his friends are afraid to talk to you. That sucks. Maybe in time they will come around.

I am not sure where you stand with your religious beliefs, but I feel my faith has helped me through the challenging times in my life. When I do feel that things are impossible, I pray and I pray and I pray.

Keep taking one day at a time right now. There is plenty of time to focus on the future and the "big picture". It might feel good to just worry about today.

I wish you all the peace and happiness you deserve, Lisa

 

I am so impressed by your strength. You are doing it because you are thinking of not only you, but you and your kids. Not only are you taking care of kids and doing coursework, but you are also taking care of yourself and grieving a great loss. You are such a strong person and I hope that the people in your life (friends and family) learn from you. You are setting an AMAZING example for your children.

I don't mean to 'call you out' in this very public forum, but I do want to mention that I hope you are talking to someone (psychologist, therapist, grief counselor, etc), because you are the rock for so many other people and you really need others to help support you. I'm glad you hit the 'send' button.

 

I had one of those posts the other day, different life stresses but it was a post I just had to get off my chest. I did feel better afterwards just to tell someone. I'm sure with that feeling of "everyone against you" you are even more determined to make this all work. You will make it work because you have to... for them for you and for him. Try to do what you can to find sometime to sleep because you can't help anyone if you get sick and run down. You havent' had time to really grieve losing him. You have to find the time for that too. A letter to him, maybe plan an outing with your babies and make it a memorial to him. You will think of something that is special. Don't expect things to be happy when you think of him, but you can start to be happy to have had him in your life and take what he gave you and carry that on in your children.

All the best to you and your struggles

Heather

 

I am amazed at your strength and determination to give your babies a good life. I knew your SO passed away, but didn't know the circumstances. That makes for so many mixed emotions. You are going through the stages of grief and I'm so glad you wrote all this out. Just getting it out of your head will help. I can't imagine being without the support of my family so I send you lots of hugs and know that we can be part of your family too. The supportive part!

My boys were born 7 weeks early and one month after they were home from the NICU my DH was deployed to the desert for 80 days. The boys had Dr. appointments and so did I, so we couldn't go stay with family for a month. I was on my own day in/day out through the fussiest stages. I would cry when they would cry and get angry at the AF and Bush and everyone else I could blame for sending my DH away. I would go to sleep for 3 hours, feed the babies, sleep for 2 hours, feed the babies, repeat. I heard from DH randomly and he was always so down that I had to build him up. I didn't have anyone to build me up. I was able to drive for 2 days with the boys to get to my parents and have some help, but they were so impressed with what I was able to do, that I kept doing a lot myself.

I don't know if this helps, but I think you are doing an amazing job and wish I could give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on!

 

Thank-you for sharing your story. I hope all the feedback you are getting is encouraging you! I will be praying for you. Hope you get a break and some good rest soon. I'm proud of you for working really hard at two amazing things right now!

 

Hey Lex,
Being a single mother is tough! No one can take that away from you! And people will say that they understand because their husband works all day or is gone for long periods of time, but in actuality, they have no idea. We NEVER get a break! EVER!
I give you mad props for continuing school. I quit when I was pregnant and now I'll probably never finish! I dont know how you do it!

From what I have seen and read you are doing an amazing job! Pat yourself on the back! For what its worth, I have days when I just dont know how I am going to survive but I do and you will too!

Try and get some sleep!

 

Wow, what an amazing story of strength and determination. Ditto to what Leighann said about being an awesome example for your children and even your friends and family. :hug99:

 

You are one strong woman. You are an awesome mother also. Stay strong.

 

I can't wrap my head arond being a single mom of 2 but my boyfriend (who I was deeply inlove with) was randomly murdered when I was 24 years old. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am now 39yrs old & married with my 2 boys. The only advice I can give you is that you honor your grief and give yourself time. The dreams do eventually stop and slowly the joy will come back. This is going to be a hard season for you and you should surround yourself with good friends and family who are understanding - and most of all take joy in your babies. You're going to be a terrific mom and I can say looking back, you have a great journey infront of you & you will survive this! Do try to get some rest. Big hug!

 

:hug99: to you! I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you. I really admire your strength and courage. To be a single mother and go to school at the same time is a difficult task indeed. I have had days where I have hit the wall, so to speak, but I cannot say I know what you are going through. Hang in there, I am thinking best wishes for you and your babies!

 

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but just wanted to give you a hug :hug99:

 

First of all :hug99: I can't imagine doing this alone, you are one tough mama! We all have our tough times, thats for sure. What makes some of us special is how we deal with it. I was diagnosed 4 years ago with several very serious, life threatning medical problems. It nearly killed me once, and my future is either an early death or paralized from the neck down in the next few years. In the mean time, I suffer horrendous chronic pain, many neurological symptoms, basically just a miserable existence but somehow I manage to get up everyday. Some days I want to crawl under a rock and never come out but I can't, you can't. Those babies is what gives us the strength to do everything in this world. They keep us fighting! I know our stories are very different but they are also alike. We are tough, we are strong, we are here to make a difference. To show people that we can do it, we can make it. Life is hard, life is tough, but we manage to bulldoze our way through it everyday. Sure we look back and think of the "what if's" and we look into the future and think of the "what if's" but in the end, we know we will survive. And while we are here, we will make it the best that we can. You have EVERY single right to be angry. You have EVERY single right to feel everything that you are feeling. Just keep on fighting the good fight. Don't crawl into that hole, even though that would be easy to do so, don't do it. Look at those babies, they are your life, your love and your strength. :hug99: keep fighting, keep dreaming, and most importantly, keep loving.

 

Wow. I have no words. You are strong. You will get through this and you will become an even stronger woman. I bet you'll help many other women in your life. I have a hunch that this will all be used for a greater purpose for you.

I was a single mom, but never of twins and never without some help from DS's father. I can't imagine. Huge kudo's to you.

 

I like your attitude. The fact that you know you will get through and you will survive and be a good Mom and provider is a testament to your will!! GO GIRL!!

You can have a good cry! Have many! Yell that life isn't fair! That's cool. It's not! I think that with your strength and great attitude you will be just fine!! Better than that! You'll be a success story. One that movies are made of. I think you deserve your pity parties and love that you move past them. It seems healthy.

I would encourage you to (I know, you have SO MUCH free time ) figure out what services are available to you for some counseling so that you can cope with the death of your boyfriend. I think that's some very unfinished business for you and hope that you can come to grips with it.

:hug99:

 

I just wanted to say that I hear you on the 'I cant do this anymore', but I do do it, because I have to. My babies need me. My partner (babies daddy) is an alcoholic and a liar and a cheater, and leaves me every few months, but I take him back because it is better than doing it alone (though he's not MUCH help - any help will do sometimes). I hope you continue to find the strength somewhere to do this and that good fortune comes to you in a gigantic wave. You deserve it. Your babies are lucky to have a Mommy like you. :hug99:

 

you already know that I think you rock & are an amazing mommy to your little guy & precious girl....
It's really good that you posted this, I hope that all of us can help cheer you up & let you know how great you are doing!
Hang in there girl ~ :hug99:

 

First I want to say how lucky you are to have experienced a love that was so intense and true that you feel it still. Your dreams may be his way of telling you he is watching over you and that he is ok.

I was married before and we had two children. I moved in with him when I was 18 and had my first DD when I was 19 and my DS when I was 21. It was a similar situation with family and friends. I did not experienced the love you did however. My previous husband was abusive and irresponsible. I worked hard and went back to school and we ended up getting divorced because I couldn't stand being cheated on and wondering if I would make it through another one of his tirades. We continued to battle in court for years until I found out that he was abusing the kids. His parents are very influential in the county we live in so for years and I mean years the courts ignored what was going on. Finally we were able to get a restraining order to keep him away from them. I spent my entire savings, which I had worked so hard for, and then money I didn't have from my job to fight them. I worked full time and went to school to earn my AAS as a single parent. I then met my current DH who has endured the harassment of these people and has lost his savings as well trying to protect children that are not even his. We still struggle to this day because of it. My DD decided that she wanted to move in with her grandmother as she believed things would be better for her. She was told this by them for a long time. We went through so much counseling and agravation. She was so awful to live with for a long time. My DS sees that she gets more than he does, believe me he is not hurting for anything though. Life can be He!! most days. I managed to complete my Bachelors degree and am currently working on my Masters. We finally were able to have our twins as we have tried for years to conceive and haven't been able to. Our relationship is strong but we have days which make me wonder sometimes. My ex really made me have some issues and lots of doubts about myself. Life is getting a little better, we are not in court every week and dealing with a defiant DD constantly. I don't tell this whole thing to everyone, and have left out a lot as well, and I really hope that people don't judge me for my mistakes. I did want to let you know that no matter how hard things may feel now you will get through it. There will be very hard times and there will be very good times. I hope you find another man who will be able to fill that hole for you. Please do not give up, you are doing so good. Keep up the good work taking care of your babies.

Jen

 

That is what is so great about this place, people do not seem to judge others, they listen and support. We have all made mistakes in our lives and we either learn from them or we don't. I admire people that can make mistakes and learn from them and go on with their new found knowledge to make their lives better. That is true courage.
My stories are nowhere near what many of you have been through. And, hats and everything else off to ANY single parents, especially those of twins - that must be hard beyond belief.
I did get married when I was 24 to a decent man, we were not in love though, and 5yrs later I decided to leave him as I thought there had to be more to life (we did not have kids, so that makes it somewhat easier). it was a rough 6mnths as he stalked me, would call my work and threaten to commit suicide, I ended up passing out at work one day literally hitting a glass wall and having to be hospitalized for a head injury! That is when I met my current dh, he supported and loved me through all of that nonsense, and today I am SO glad I went through what I did, as it brought me to where I am today.

Can you check and see if your city offers free childcare, I know many city's have a childcare program for parents that need it, they call it a Crisis Nursery in some of the places I have lived - they can either come to your house for a few hours a week, or you can drop them off at a daycare type place, just to give you a break. Have you looked into any of these options? It sounds like you could really use a break : )

 

Thank you all for your responses...Hearing what others have gone through makes me feel better. Or I could just be having a good day. Most days are good but those ones that are bad make me feel like it will never pass although my knowledge of the past knows it will.
A few months after my man died, one of my best girls died of an over dose as well and I was able to be there for her husband and at the time I thought that was the reason I had been through what I had been through. I now see it's a piece of the puzzle and the puzzle of why what has happened, happened is much larger than one situation. That I will be able to learn, grow and help others in lots of little situations. I have met so many women in NA/AA that have been through the exact same thing and I see them in happy, healthy relationships and I still can not grasp ever having sex with anyone else. Or ever even WANTING to have that with anyone else. But they all say in due time, you don't forget but you learn to let go of something unattainable.
I grew up in a broken home and although there was a lot of money it didn't change the fact that it was broken and I had no active father. I just don't want that for my children. I want them to have a stand up man in their life that teaches my son how to respect and treat a woman and teaches my daughter how a healthy male relationship can be. And hopefully they will have that.

I have never heard of that crisis daycare but I will look into it. I am going to check into that. My best friend's birthday is in 2 weeks, so I am going to go to Palm Springs for the night/day and pay someone to watch the babies. The nanny that took care of me for 13 years when I was a kid is not living with us but not working for us to get her citizenship papers. (long story). But, she works for another family but will be in town so my mom and I are going to pay her and split it 50/50. She wont take money from me so my mom is going to pretend like she is the one paying her, though.

I made it sound like I have no one. I do have a lot of friends who although did not like my decision love my babies almost as their own. I just feel that they are MY babies and I need to take care of them. My mother also feels the same way- although I don't have one childhood memory with her! Ha...

Again thank you, and I have too much homework to respond to each individual story but I admire you, as well. And like me, you probably hate to hear that, too!

 

You're doing such a wonderful job :hug99: . Reading your post, I can see that you're a loving woman and mommy. You also sound like a great success in life! Hugs to you :hug99: .

 

I have posted this to you before and I will say it again-I think you are amazing-the strength you have shown and the courage you continue to have is an inspirtation to me. Please hang in there. Your little babies are so lucky to have you for their mom!
PS you can pm me anytime, I havent been through what you have been through but I would love to lend a shoulder to cry on anytime you need it!

 

Sending hugs your way. You are doing great, even if you don't realize it. You have been through so much and you are pulling through. Glad you came to us, it does help to get things out. *hugs*

Dianna