I'm questioning my parenting skills - long

I don't feel like I know what I'm doing with them and when I see that something needs to change with our schedule I just don't feel like I've got the strength to do it. I talked to somebody from a postpartum counselling agency and she highly recommended the book "positive discipline" so I got it out of the library. I've just skimmed it but there is absolutely no way I can figure out how to do it with twins who are wacking each other on the head or who are tipping the lamp over when I'm changing the other one so I can't "redirect". And I absolutely don't feel like my friends with singletons understand at all! Here are a few examples:


There are times when they both just want me to hold them. Often if they wake up too early from their nap but otherwise too. And I just can't. Ezra will only let me hold him if I'm standing up, Elias will let me sit down but only if he's hoisted up with my hand under his bum. If I try to put him down, he'll climb up me like I'm a tree. Ezra just goes hysterical..and I mean hysterical. This boy has no middle ground - he's either laughing hysterically or crying hysterically. On Sunday I had them both freaking crying their eyes out because I kept on putting one down to tend to the other. It was horrible. I ended up throwing them into their coats while they were weeping and taking them out in the snow and rain for a walk...which also was horrible.

There are a very few things that they have access to that I don't want them to touch. There is a floor lamp that they wack into the wall and have broken the plaster, Ezra has figured out how to take his highchair tray off and it goes crashing to the floor. They will do those things but will say "no no no" before they do it so they know that's how I'll react. It doesn't matter. I've tried time outs but they don't mind them. Sometimes Ezra goes hysterical and I just don't know whether I'm comfortable physically restraining him in a place. I'm not sure he understands.

Stealing and throwing toys is really bad. A lot of the times, they don't even want the toys. They just want the other kid not to have them. They'll steal it and then run over to the babygate and whip it over. What's that about?? Of course they often want to play with the same thing. I find books particularly hard. One child will sweetly choose a book and climb into my lap and snuggle in for storytime. The other one will come and try to wrestle the book out of my hand. I pull back and say "no, I'm reading this to x, why don't you come up and we will read it together." no go. If I put them on my lap, the one that started on my lap will just try to push the other one off. I guess its about jealousy but I just absolutely don't know what to do.

I also feel bad all the time when I choose myself over them. I don't want to stop listening to CBC (Canadian NPR) because I don't have a chance to read the newspapers any more and I'm a current affairs junkie but I know that they are understanding more and more and there is a lot of serious and scary stuff happening in the world that I don't want the exposed to. Their sleep schedule is off and I just can't bare to fix it. I think it means that they have to go to bed later and that will result with them sleeping later but that would mean that I would have to feed them dinner and bathe them and get them ready for bed. Right now the nanny does all that and I just play with them until bedtime because it's only an hour after I come home from work. I love that hour -it's great. The idea of having to organize dinner and clean up after and all that really makes me feel like I'm going to explode. In reality, it probably would be easier than I think but 2 weeks ago I had a sick cat and I lost my cell phone and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I'm just at the end of my financial, emotional and physical resources and to add something more just feels overwhelming.

But I had children and I knowingly had children as a single woman and I can't make them pay for this. I need to do what is best for them. And so I read a book like "postive discipline" and I just feel bad that I'm betraying my children and confusing them and treating them without respect or whatever (can't even remember what their line is) but that doesn't mean that I can adopt their philosophy.

I found infancy so much easier. Adding in the jealousy and the neediness and the conflicts between the two of them and I just really think I need to do better for them. So many times I'm just at a point that I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading.

 

I don't have any advice just wanted to send you big hugs and things will get better. I do know what you mean about the book reading. One of my girls will bring me a book and the other will come and try to take the book and then a huge crying match starts. So we are right there with you on that one. Grace has learned if Hope has a toy a she wants it she will sit and wait like a little buzzard and when Hope drops the toy she will swoop in and take it and run away with it.

 

First off, hugs to you. Just the fact that you're thinking about this and questioning yourself puts you in the good parent category. Seriously, there are tons of people out there who give no thought to how their actions affect their children or whether they have good or bad parenting skills. So please know that you are probably doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for.

This is a really difficult age. My girls are about a month older than your boys and there are days I think I'm going to lose it too. Ultimately, you do the best you can and your kids will grow out of this needy clingy tantrum-y stage. In the meantime, I truly beleive that you have to take care of yourself first. If you're happy and centered, your kids will pick up on that. If you're stressed and questioning yourself, that gets communicated to your children and they feed off of the stress. So take the time to listen to the news. Have a second cup of coffee on a weekend morning while your boys watch some cartoons.

As for not knowing what to do, we're all there with you. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done because there's no book to read, no expert to whom I can talk. I feel like I've been able to master everything else in my life through hard work, but this? This is HARD. As parents, we just never know if what we're doing is right. Or enough. I've stopped reading the parenting books because I just can't live up to any of them.

I'm rambling, and hope that someone here on TS who's a lot more eloquent than me can say better what I mean. But I guess it comes down to this - you are doing the best you can, and in all reality, it's probably a very good job. If you need to hold one and let the other scream sometimes, that's fine. If it helps to have the nanny feed them dinner (and I understand this!), then keep it up. If timeouts don't work (and they don't work at my house either), then don't do them. Trust yourself.

Hugs,
Tricia

 

You mentioned a nanny? what length of time are they with the nanny? I get the impression that you are away from the boys most of the day and your struggles are in the evenings when you have alone time with them and then possibly the weekends? I'm sorry if I'm not quite following.

It could have a lot to do with the different styles between you and the nanny -- but I'm just guessing.

Single parenting is hard! You deserve applause for your courage! Yes, you do deserve your "you" time. Perhaps you can listen to your CBC when they are in bed, or you can record it to listen to later? I understand wanting to fill that need, and you should try to work it out the best you can.

Your boys are also at a difficult age -- they can understand more than they can communicate and that can be frustrating for both them and you. You are taking the first steps in recognizing that something needs to change, and the good news is that your boys are young enough to adjust to new routines and changes. Changes are difficult, but I'm confident that you will find something that works for your family.

 

Holy crap, that is me.

I too come home later, have about an hour with them before it's off to bed. And my husband is with them during the day, me at night (opposite shifts because we can't afford daycare full time for the both), and for some reason, they are absolute angels during the day, but when it comes to me, they're really bad or I'm really sucking at taking care of them.

And not wanting to share, wow, books, toys, my lap, every day is a fight. I take the item in question and remove it from "babyjail" (playyard). They'll both screech, but usually within 5 minutes they stop.

I've found the best thing for my situation is to remove them from it. So I take them to the mall to play or on better days, I take them and the dogs to the dog park. At least then they're distracted, in a safe environment, and I can enjoy watching them play with others.

 

I really do think a lot of the struggles are due to their ages. Mine are right about the same age and are acting the same way. Fighting over toys, stealing toys and throwing them over the gate, climbing/wrestling on top of each other, fighting to be held (has to be while I'm standing up too), etc. I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but I've found that I've just got to accept that I'm one person and they're two people. Mathematically, it just doesn't add up to one-on-one attention. If you can find a way to not let the whining and fighting bother you as much, that will help immensely. They're going to steal toys from now until they're grown. I don't intervene too much with that right now because I don't think they have the mental capacity to understand really what they're doing. I just give them another toy to play with or distract them both with new toys.

I also think that a one minute time-out in a pack-n-play might help solve the true discipline/danger issues. (For instance, the knocking over the lamp or hitting each other). I think I'm about ready to start TOs like that with mine.

And lastly, Sesame Street is my lifesaver. When it's getting crazy, I turn it on and things get a lot better. I used to feel guilty about their TV watching, but I've realized, it's not the end of the world if they watch 2 episodes of Sesame Street in a day. It keeps me sane, and they love it.

 

Im going thru the same thing mama!! They dont want me until the other is in my lap. Food flies everywhere.. They are climbing, hitting, throwing, screaming.. Ect.. :hug:
Sometimes i wonder why i ever wanted another child.. But then they share something or give eachother hugs.. and it makes it all worth While. Its so cute to watch them interact! :hug:

 

It really is a very very very frustrating, trying age.

I will say that one thing that has worked for me is providing them with the outlets they are looking for...in other words - if someone throws a toy I will calmly point out that toys are not for throwing and if they want to throw something, go get a ball to throw. Sure enough, they immediatly stop what they are doing and go get a ball.
If one hits the other (luckily this has not been too much of a problem over here, yet) I remind them to be gentle and give them one more chance. If they hit again I remove the hitting child, walk a step or two away from the playarea and explain that just like they are special, their playmate is special also and this means we have to treat them very gently and nicely and if we are going to hit then we have to play by oursleves. Usually they run back over as soon as I turn to walk away and I take them and do the same thing one more time. Of course they come right back again but pretty much always move on to another activity. I may ask them to give their "attackee" a kiss or a hug (they do not say/understand sorry yet) and I give out a hug and we move on.

Just some ideas. If they want to throw - give them something to throw. If they want to hit, give them something ( a couch pillow, etc..) that they can hit.

I wish I could help more but we are struggling over here also!

 

:hug:
I don't know if this will help but I always found the age you're at (around 16-20months) to be the hardest stage. I guess what I mean is it will get better. At the moment they know what they want but can't comunicate that to you, and can't understand why they don't always get it. As their communication and understanding grows some things will become easier.

They are still quite young so you may also find that time-outs improve with age. Lots of people say not to start time-out until they are 18 months, and personally I'd wait until they are closer to two.
QUOTE
If they want to throw - give them something to throw. If they want to hit, give them something ( a couch pillow, etc..) that they can hit.
I just want to second this idea, it's worked very well for me in the past.

My thought on the dinner/bedtime situation is that maybe you could have your nanny still prepare the dinner (she is doing it now so it wouldn't be extra work for her) and then you will only have to warm it up, which is less stress. Also if you don't work full time you could just do a quick face/hand wash on the days you work to take that stress away too, or have the nanny bath them in the morning.

 

Oh, :hug:. That was SUCH a rough age. It was worse by far for me than 2 has been - at least 2-year-olds mostly understand why what they're doing is wrong.

Time-outs didn't work for us until 22ish months. At that age, we just needed to change stuff up. I started blaring music when I was tempted to scream ... it was really hard. I promise it gets better.

 

:hug: I know it is overwhelming, but try to take a deep breath. Whether you read them no books or 100s, they will grow up to learn to read. Whether you neglect them or over indulge them, they will still grow up just fine. I picked extremes to show you that it really doesn't matter. As much as everyone wants to say... we have to do x,y,z to have a well rounded kid. You don't. Kids are going to grow up anyway and pretty much all come out equal unless the extremes are really extreme.

When one or both of mine gets so hysterical, I put them back in their crib. The added stimulas of up and down, back and forth, only adds to the problem. Being put back in a crib, removes most of that stimuli and helps end the hysteria sooner. I don't think most singleton parents really get how hysterical these kids get, because they can put all that focus on one child. I think most of us multiple mommies know that a little hysteria never killed their children or damanged them. I am sure you can tell as well by the adult twins on this board that they grew up just fine. And you KNOW their parents had hysterical toddlers as well.

 

:hug: I am so, so sorry that you're having such a rough time and doubting yourself so much. :hug:

Ditto the pps that this is a VERY challenging age. Having TWO toddlers with no impulse control and no compassion, who both want 100% of your attention 100% of the time, is grueling. They ought to make it an extreme sport. I can't even imagine handling it as a single mom - even with a supportive partner, I'm at the end of my rope a lot of the time! :hug:

I don't know what your resources are like, but is there any way you could get some breaks? I know it's hard to get away when they're so clingy. I always feel guilty when I take some "me time." But I know I just can't function without it, and if I don't get that hour to myself, I'm not going to be able to be a good mom to them later. The old oxygen mask on the airplane thing...

PLEASE don't beat yourself up. I really think that any good parent never feels like they're doing enough for their kids - and it's probably one of the signs of being a good parent. You are obviously giving your entire heart and soul to these kids! And that's all that really matters. Sure, maybe if you were superwoman, you would have magic discipline/redirection tricks up your sleeve all the time, and be better than Mary Poppins at getting your clingy todders to act like mature and considerate 10 yr olds... But instead, you are just a downright great mom, with endless hugs and cuddles and attention for your two little lunatics. And that is more than enough.