I'm having a pity party!

Ok, on a serious note, I don't know where else to vent, no one quite understands what I'm dealing with. First, I'd like to ask anyone if you think post partum depression can kind of creep up on you. I was on Wellbutrin prior to getting pregnant and through the pregnancy. My OB upped my dosage after I gave birth, because of the possibility of getting it. My babies are 8.5 months old and I really feel lost. This may sound like a selfish post, like it's all about me me me. I went through 5 rounds of IVF to finally have my babies, I have always dreamed of being a mother and I couldn't imagine life without having children. So now that they are here, why am I so miserable? Don't get me wrong - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies. That being said, I can not seem to climb out of this dark hole I seem to be in. They are still not sleeping through the night. We've tried the CIO, but DD will scream at the top of her lungs until she gets a bottle. My DH has decided that he can't get up and help anymore because he's too tired during the day when he works, so it's me, every night. But I still have to take care of them all day long, so I guess it doesn't matter that I'm tired - no, exhausted. My DD also cries, whines, fusses all day, every day. If she's awake, she is fussing. It is driving me insane. I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I feel like I don't like her sometimes, and I hate myself for that. I also have to mention that I just feel horrible about myself. This is the part that will sound so vain, I know. I used to really take care of myself and now I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself anymore. Who is this person, with bags under the eyes, no make-up, hair that just stays in a ponytail everyday, whiter skin than a vampire, wearing dirty t-shirts and sweats. Maybe gets a shower every other day if I'm lucky. DH and I can't seem to even stand each other right now. Although I can say that he is great with the kids, and when he is home in the evenings he does spend time with them and help get them ready for bed...I am also trying to start my own home business, because I had to leave my job. We need the money big time, but I've also been told by DH that I'm spending too much time on the computer - well, my business requires me to be on the computer. So, I just feel like disappearing, like starting to take a walk and never come back. I know I am blessed with these beautiful perfect children, that I prayed for years to have, so why do I feel so horrible? Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I usually wouldn't just lay all this out there but I don't know who else could possibly understand. I am going to call my OB and let her know how I'm feeling.... Any encouragment would really be appreciated. Thanks so much!

Cindy

 

Cindy, first off, :hug99:'s Momma. You are definately NOT a failure as a mom. It sounds like you are going through a rough time right now. I didn't have to start my own business, and I was feeling alot like you are describing at that time. It is hard to jump into motherhood and not have feelings of being lost or exhausted. I, too, went through fertility issues and when I felt like what you described, the guilt came even harder. I felt like I should have appreciated it more. I did go to the doctor and got some medication to help me get out of the darkness. It was hard for me and my husband to accept that I needed it, but in the end, it changed our lives.
As for how you are feeling about yourself. :hug99: Are you able to get out on your own at all? Do you have any family or friends that can watch them, even if it's for an hour? Is there any possiblitly of you starting your business at a later time, once the kids are sleeping better and you are feeling better?
You can do this lady. Always remember that. You are a strong, smart and wonderful momma. This too shall pass, and hopefully soon. :hug99: When things get too overwhelming, just step outside for a minute and take very deep breathes. I hope that a call to your OB will help you.

 

You should be very proud of yourself that you are willing to admit and address these issues. Just last month I talked to my Dr. and began taking meds for PPD. They have made a wonderful difference for me. At first, I thought my feelings were related to just being tired. Then, things began to intensify as I became more sleep deprived, DH returned to work, DD became very difficult and I struggled to leave the house with her. I felt guilty, depressed, anxious, resentful... I could go on. I found the "dream" I had envisioned about having a perfect family with wonderful children and a white picket fence did not match up with the reality I was living with and I was disappointed and frustrated. Especially in how I viewed my skills as a mother when compared to others I know (none of them have twins of course). I love my children- but was torn with feelings of wanting my "old" life back. You are a wonderful mother going through a difficult time. Please make sure to talk to your Dr. Things can and will get better. Hang in there :hug99:

 

:hug99: First, yes PPD can creep up on you. I actually felt fine (emotionally) the first year, but then developed PPD/Anxiety when the girls were about 13 months old. I started meds when they were 14 months and now I'm starting to feel like myself again- major indicator is a actually wear lipstick when I leave the house now (vein, yes, but true). Call your doctor and talk to him/her about how you are feeling. There are many things you can do to help yourself feel better. Not just meds alone but also restructuring some things in your life to give you some time to yourself (monthly girls night out?, mothers helper to play with the kids while you veg for a bit, etc etc). GL, hang in there and come here and vent often. :hug99:

 

The feelings you are having do not make you any less of a mother, you are not failing and you are a great mom! Having one child is tough, but you had two! Throw being tired and having a bit of a challenging baby and stess from your marriage and it is no wonder you feel depressed...who wouldnt?!
Deffinately talk to your doctor about PPD-it can happen any time. Please Please Please dont hate yourself...I remember one morning waking up and wishing I could take back having my twins and thought why did I ruin our happy little family and then I got so upset for even thinking that-it is natural, and more people then you can guess have those feelings. It doesnt mean you dont love your babies-you know that.
I hope things are looking up for you very soon. I think I wrote pretty much your exact same post a few months back so I do understand. You can PM me if you ever need to.
There is a forum here for ppd and I bet you will soon be invited and everyone there is so supportive and has great suggestions and really understand that aspect of things...they helped me through a tough time!
Hang in there!

 

Your post sounded exactly like something I would write!

I have noticed with me I get depressed when everything piles up (kinda obvious that is when it might happen). I just get sad...sad that I don't enjoy the babies like I feel I should be, sad that I want to just be left alone for 5 mintues and I barely can get something in my mouth to eat, sad that my DS cries all day long (for NO reason!!) and I call my DH and tell him that I can't stand listening to him anymore, sad that I just feel like a failure somtimes...I can't tell you how many times I have called my mom crying, wondering what I am doing wrong and why this isn't easier. I think that even though you wanted kids (and I did too, really badly), nothing can prepare you for actually having them. And then it gets hard and you feel so guilty for having any bad thoughts about the babies you worked so hard to get....it's like a rollercoaster of emotions. I never ever thought I would struggle with being a mom, but somedays I do. When it really gets bad I have a little reality check with myself and realize it won't stay this way forever. I think back to the newborn stage and think of how it's so much easier now. I look at my older DS who is so much fun to be with and think about in a year or so the babies will be a ton of fun and life will just be different. I just need to get through the rough patches...and this first year has been the roughest one ever!!

You don't sound any different then other moms I know who are overwhelmed, overtired, and need a break and a other people to let them know that they have felt the same way. You are 100% not alone....if I could hug you I would!

 

I'm still pregnant so I can't say I know exsactly how you feel, but I wanted to send you some hugs! :hug99:

 

The pp gave you such wonderful advice and I just wanted to add that you came to the right place. We don't judge you here since we all know (at least the part of having twins) is like and how difficult it is to take care of two but you first have to take care of YOU so you are strong enough for them. It seems weird to put yourself first but you deserve to feel like "you" again. Make an appointment today and try to get someone to watch the babies so you can have some real time to talk to the doctor. As my good friend says to me "fake it til you make it".

Heather

 

Huge :hug99: to you. There is a forum here where you can discuss things with others, in more detail, that have been there and are there with you. It is a password protected forum, and if you are interested, all you need to do it to PM Becky5.

Best of luck with everything! You are in no way a bad Mommy for feeling like this. I hope your call to the OB helped. :hug99:

 

I completely understand! I have never had depression issues but lately have been feeling miserable about everything. I feel like I'm never happy... only stressed, tired, mad at my husband and annoyed with my kids. My twins are #'s 3 and 4 and I had to convince my husband to go for a third... when we found out it was twins it was truly shocking and overwhelming. I never really adjusted to the idea and then they were born at 35 weeks. My son has Down syndrome, so that was another thing to adjust to, and my daughter has had a lot of medical issues. Nothing serious thankfully but another added stress. I really, really wanted to breastfeed and struggled with that for months before finally having it be successful. So now they are 9 months old and life should be getting easier but I feel like lately everything seems like too much work/effort. I don't feel like I enjoy them most of the time, or I enjoy the babies but the older two drive me crazy, which I then feel guilty about. I sometimes wonder why I so desperately wanted a third child when we had a nice little life with two kids, and then I immediately feel terrible that I had that thought because of course I love our two new additions. I also had to stop working and the loss of income has been hard... I feel like I constantly worry about money, which takes away from the joy I had with my first child shopping and buying whatever I felt like for him.

Not sure that I helped... in fact I'm sure I didn't. But you're not alone! Definitely talk to your doctor. Try to get some time to yourself (much easier said than done, I think), and know that this time will pass. As they get older there will be more challenges but hopefully it gets easier!

 

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

Yes it can sneak up on you and it can be months and months after the babies are born too. Do you ever get a break? Even an hour here and there? Do you and you hubby get any alone time? Depression can be a horrible thing. Sending you huge hugs.

Dianna

 

I think everyone in one way or another can relate to just about everything you've said. And I can vouch for the no sleep factor - that totally turns you into a completely different person that often puts negative thoughts in your head about your ability, how you're feeling about your family and situation, etc...and it's so hard to not get annoyed with the whining and fussing and nap fighting when your're running on fumes. And if you don't have someone to give you a break, it's a viscious cycle day after day, night after night. I can totally relate to the "vanity" issues you listed too. I never thought I would miss getting up and getting ready for work every day - putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes, feeling like someone that would be taken seriously when out in public. I'm learning to adjust to that part. I find even putting on a pair of jeans and a nice top (as opposed to the sweats I wore in the 6th grade!) makes me feel a whole lot better - even if I know they'll be spit up on it no time! Are you able to get out with them? That forces me to get ready and helps me feel more like my old self too.

It is so easy to be on edge with other people now too - it must be the tiredness and stress of raising twins. I never had any issues with family before - mom, sister, nicest people in the world. But sometimes I find myself biting their heads of and getting so irritated by little things I never would have cared about before. Same thing with my husband, we're both pretty easy going and really never had anything to fight about. But are fuses are shorter these days too. It's just a rough time right now, but you'll get through it. Do you ever try to talk your problems out so they don't build resentment? Sometimes I find writing them down in letter form helps me get out what I want to say. I did that when things were so hard in the beginning and my husband went back to work and had no idea what I was going through at home all day. I wrote him a letter while I was up all night anyway, and it really helped him to see things from perspective and get us on the same page.

I don't know too much about PPD, but it sounds like it's worth talking to your dr. about. Sounds like it has really made a difference in some of the other posts. Hang in there!

 

I think a lot of us can relate. I also went thro fertility issues and ended up doing IVF to get our twins. I was so excited when I knew we were having twins - that was before I really knew what life with baby twins would be like! I hated my life the first 4months, wished for my old life back hundreds of times/day. I would cry all the time, and felt hopeless and empty.
Things are better now, but I still have my days when I feel that way. It's hard being alone with the babies all day and then plus you have them all night too! That is HARD! And, is enough to drive anyone to feeling depressed, let alone trying to start up a business as well.
I hope there is someway that you can get someone to help you out - friends, family, neighbourhood teenager to help with the babies, even if it's only for a few hours/week. I found for me, once I surrounded myself with help and support my mood and everything started to improve. It's not perfect and many days I still wish for my old life back but it is slowly getting better.
Is your dd teething, would tylenol or teething gel help....or maybe she is just going thro a needy stage. I am sorry that she is challenging right now.
Big hugs! You are doing the best you can, don't be so hard on yourself, we all love our babies, but sometimes we don't like them very much! Hang in there, it will get better.

 

I feel for you and send you big hugs! I have been on Zoloft for anxiety from the beginning and I know it is helping me. I am also seeing a therapist one day a week. I always feel great afterwards. Is this something you can look into doing?

 

You are so not alone, I hope you realize that. You have gotten great advice, and I don't have too much to add except that I agree you are a good mom and I appreciate your honesty. I have been on meds for a couple of months now, and it has been a lifesaver.

 

big big :hug99: youre not alone..i feel the same way alot of times. youre a wonderful mom, and we all deserve a break from this crazy life. sometimes i shower and do my hair and makeup just as a treat for myself, even if im not going anywhere. i hope you feel better soon!

 

I have felt the same way...We did IVF as well...this was always my dream, and then some days id give it all back for a good nights sleep...
I love these babies to death. They are going to daycare now which makes me appreciate them that much more since I barley get to see them.
Looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I definitely agree with the PPs...talk to your doctor. Just know you are definitely not the one that feels this way. I too felt resentful towards my daughter during maternity leave...I just felt like she didnt like me no matter what I did, and I just couldn't handle that.

 

Just wanted to send you some :hug99: s!! I think most of us have been there at one time or another. It is very, very hard to be a mom of multiples. Hang in there and it's great that you recoginize what's going on and are willing to admit and get help. :hug99:

 

I also forgot to add before that I had the same guilty feelings about going through so much and ultimately IVF to get pregnant, and then I sometimes felt like I made the wrong choice in the beginning and wanted my old life back. I used to fear that was the reason I couldn't get pregnant on my own, because God knew I couldn't handle being a mom, and then I went and forced it to happen with IVF. Now I try to tell myself that only certain people are blessed with twins, and not everyone could handle that. But we were given them because we CAN. (Even though it's really really hard sometimes!)

 

Hi Cindy,
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I've had so many of the same feelings and I have no business to run here....just a crazy household. ;-)
From feeling like an alien has taken over my body, sense of fashion and sometimes, my very sense of being to getting in arguments with DH about every little thing - having twins takes its toll on you! It is the most difficult thing and most rewarding, but some days the difficulties outweigh anything else. I agree with what the pps have said - try to take some time out for yourself. I know it makes such a difference for me when I can get a break. Also, talking to your DR sounds like a great idea to me. Remember, we are all here for you to vent - anytime - and we can relate!
Take care,
Erin

By the way, I checked out your site - you are so creative! I give you so much credit for putting your ideas down on paper. Even if you can't put as much time into it as you'd like right now, it's wonderful that you are giving yourself the opportunity to do something you enjoy. Kudos!

 

:hug:

I'm sorry that you are facing this darkness! Even though this is 'motherhood, round 2' for me, I can say that the time since having my boys has been the most challenging time of my life - I feel that I have aged 5 years in the past seven months!

I too am an IVF'er, and went through years of infertility. I am so, so, so blessed to have three healthy, beautiful, sweet children. My whole life, I have wanted to be a mother, and now I have three wonderful children, and I get to stay home and care for them. I am truly living my lifelong dream! BUT, that said, raising twins has been so rough at times. There have been dark regretful moments, in the very wee hours of the morning, while juggling 2 screaming babies and coping with days and weeks of less than 5 hours of sleep a day... But, the sun always rises, and, even on the most difficult, noisy, demanding days, my kids manage to pull me through that darkness with a smile or a laugh or a cuddle.

If you are finding it a constant struggle to pull out of that darkness, then I hope that you can find the support and intervention that you need! :hug:

 

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just have to say, I feel like I just had a girl's night out with my best girlfriends, helping me through a rough time. I can not thank you enough for the responses, and the genuine empathy you all have for me. I seriously feel better just from reading all your posts. I saved them all to a file on my computer so I can re-read on a regular basis, it will help keep my perspective.

I am going to see my OB on Tuesday! She will probably up my dosage on my Wellbutrin, and probably refer me to a therapist (she has before and I didn't go). I also ended up taking DD to the pedi yesterday because of the constant whining and screaming - turns out she has an infection in her throat, called hand-foot-mouth disease! Poor thing! Her throat was killing her and she was screaming in pain, and the screaming I'm sure, made it hurt even more! It's a virus so it has to run it's course but I was given some instructions on how to ease the pain. Wow, I feel bad for being so angry at her! :-(

Thank you all for sharing your stories as well. I mean, when I'm in the midst of being so angry, upset, depressed - all I can think of is "wow, you are apparently not cut out for this", but just knowing that it's pretty much part of it for most twin moms, well at least I know I'm not crazy. (well.... haha) So, thank you thank you thank you for every one of your responses, and caring enough to take the time to write. You will never know how much it meant to me. Hugs right back to you all! :grouphug:

Cindy